(Found this story someplace online years ago. I liked it so much that I saved the story to send to family via e-mail)
The Coyote and the Assholes - a Creation Story by Johnny Moses
This is one of our creation stories from long ago. And if you are listening to this story, I will be asking you to say “Ah Nee” and that means “Oh My”.
Long ago, the world was pure and clean. The reason why the world was pure and clean was the creator had created all these planets in the universe, and in these planets he gave some of these people 5 assholes. Some of them he gave 4 assholes, 3 assholes, 2 assholes, but the people on earth, they didn’t even get 1 asshole. And that is why the world was pure and clean. And the people were complaining, they had bloated bodies and little tiny heads and they would complain like this “ahhhhhh, ewwwwwwwww, We want an asshole.” And they were complaining to coyote because coyote was the messenger. And they said, we want an asshole. And coyote said “alright, I will holler at the creator, and ask the creator to come down and help us”. And the creator just got done creating a bunch of stuff on earth and was trying to get back home and take a nappy-poo. There the coyote hollered at the creator. “Creator, creator, the people want an asshole”. There the creator woke up from his nappy-poo and he said “Oh God, what now, I just created a bunch of stuff down there. Alright I’ll come down there”.
And so he traveled to the earth, and there he called all the animal people together. He said alright everybody, come back tomorrow, coyote is going to be my assistant. We will make new assholes for everybody. We will go by the river and after we complete them, everybody when you arrive, everybody will have their new assholes and we will do the fittings. Oh, they were so happy. And Coyote went with the creator to the river. Coyote was the assistant. And there, they did their sculpting. They made large assholes, medium sized, small assholes, microscopic ones. Some of them they decorated, some had one wrinkle, 2 wrinkles, some had many wrinkles, and some had straight hairs, some had permanents, all different kinds of sizes and shapes. All the assholes were wet and the creator said “Alright coyote, put all the wet assholes in the basket. I want you to make a long clothes line and hang the assholes up so they can dry.” So coyote put all the wet assholes in his basket and he made the longest clothes line in the world, that was made out of twisted cedar bark. And there he hung all the assholes up from the smallest to the largest.
And his job was to watch over the assholes, to make sure nobody stole them. There he was laying on his back and coyote started going to sleep, and as he was going to sleep, he heard this whistling sound, and he opened his eyes and looked, and there the wind was blowing through the assholes. It was the orchestra of whistling assholes, as the wind was blowing through them. So he went back to sleep. The next day, the animal people began to arrive, and there the creator said “Alright we will do the fittings now”. There he put the new assholes on all the animal people. Bear got his new asshole, ant lady go hers, and worm was lucky, he got 2 assholes.
And there the animal people started playing with their assholes, started trying each other’s assholes on. Bear would put ant lady’s little tiny asshole on, and ant lady would put bear’s real big asshole on. And as they were switching them around, playing with them, the creator got mad at everybody and said “Quit playing with your assholes now”. And they had to listen to the creator, so they put their own assholes back on. And they went on their way and they were happy.
Well as time went on, the coyote realized something, coyote said, “Oh no, I forgot to ask the creator to make me one. What am I going to do?” And he looked up on the clothesline and there was one asshole still hanging on the clothesline. It belonged to dog. Dog was always late to the gatherings. And coyote thought to himself, “I know, I’ll just steal dog’s asshole”. And he took it down from the clothesline and put it on, and he ran off. There the creator was taking his nappy-poo, and the dog finally arrived. And he looked around and he said crying “Where is my asshole?”. And he woke the creator up “Where is my asshole?”. And the creator said “Oh god, what now. You’re the last one here, it should be hanging on the clothesline.” And the dog said “It’s not up there – I want an asshole”. And the creator said, “Alright I’ll make you one. But you gotta realize, there will be a consequence to this, it will be made out of left over materials.” And the dog said “Oh anything, as long as I have one”. And so they went to the river, and the creator did his sculpting and made the new asshole for the dog out of this leftover material. He put it on the dog, and he said “you have to realize, there is a consequence, that this asshole might not have any feelings”. And the dog said “oh it doesn’t matter, as long as I have one”. And he ran off and he was happy. And our grandmothers to this day, they tell us, if you every notice, when you’re watching the dogs, they are always checking to see if anybody stole their asshole.
And that is all.
From Native American Bedtime Stories for Adults by Johnny Moses
Storyteller, Northwest Pacific Coast
www.johnnymoses.com
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