Would the following discussion bother you (with mother) now more so...

[Locut0s]

Last edited Sun Jul 14, 2013, 12:09 AM - Edit history (1)

With my own emotional issues in sometimes don't know if I should be bothered by things that you am. However I also know that my mother acts oddly at times. Anyway we recently had a discussion in which quite out of the blue she said that should anything happen to her I have to be extra nice to my father and look after him. She mentioned a rental property she has that she would will to me. She said that that money really should belong to my father but that I need it should anything happen and that because of that I need to be nice and look after him. Now here's the thing I'm closer to my father than anyone on the planet and he is nicer to a fucking fault to me. We get along extremely well. I would look after him if I were penniless and it should be obvious. Also not only have I never asked for the money from said property I have actually said I don't want it. The part I find hurtful is the suggestion that I wouldn't do these things when it should be obvious that I would do them in a hear beat without question. She was also very intensely making these statements like I might have thought something different.

Is this just me or would such a discussion bother you too? Again I have difficulty telling what should and should not bother me at times cause of my emotional issues.

OK now I'm even more confused. In the past 2 days she has strongly disproved of me giving spare change to 2 homeless people. I know she does it for a good reason as she worked I don't have much money, the thing is I don't have a job but lots of money saved away. Then today she makes a point of giving money to a homeless woman. When I say why is it you can give money to them but I can't she said "but that's a woman". She also argued with me in front of the homeless man that I shouldn't be giving him the money! I know this shouldn't bother me maybe. But it does. My issues I guess.

If I am to examin myself the reason both of these bother me is that I feel I need to control my own life at 31 and these things feel like I'm being controlled like a kid I guess.

[handmade34]

1. no bother

just say yes Mother, and do what you would do anyways... don't be hurt

[Locut0s]

15. Lol, yeah essentially what has happened...

Though as part of my large amount of emotional bachhage I often find myself hurt when I shouldn't. When no harm is intended. Or when I am simply FAR FAR too sensitive. This is something I have been working on for years with a snails pace of improvement.

[southerncrone]

2. Does she have a history of manipulation?

Sounds like some sort of manipulation for attention. Especially since you say you are closer to your father. Perhaps she is jealous of that relationship?

[Locut0s]

14. She has been jealous of it before, and rightly so...

I have not shown enough love to my mother over the years because she is a far more difficult person to love than my father. I have tried to correct that in recent years. I wouldn't say she is an emotionally manipulative person though. Just that she can be VERY emotionally blunt, to the point of shocking others at times. She doesn't know the niceties or how to break the ice on certain subjects without startling or angering you sometimes. But it's more the fault of the other person than hers once you get to know her.

[Tribalceltic]

3. It Sounds like she is showing you her

true deep love for him. Sounds like a lot of love all around. I'd accept it as that and not worry about it. Just my opinion.

[Locut0s]

13. Yes in some ways...

Though the relationship between my parents is tightly strained at times. It's more now a relationship of mutual comfort and respect than true love. I'm sure they were at one time very much in love, and they still care for each other very much but they are VERY different people. But you are right the reason she says this is she worries about who will look after him when she is gone. He is not very good with money and doesn't have hardly any savings despite being retired. She is far too good with money and can't enjoy having any.

[vanlassie]

4. It seems like it says more about her, than you.

It is sometimes not clear where people are coming from. It often has little or nothing to do with us. It's true that it is puzzling, but you sound very clear about where you stand, so she may just be off base for some reason that you can't know.

[Locut0s]

12. Thanks this is all true...

After calming down some I realized the issues were mainly mine, but exacerbated by her way of delivering the subject (something I should be used to by now).

[mia]

5. It would have bothered me at one time, but now that my parents are elderly,

I think that your mother knows that you will need extra money to take care of your father. As your father ages, he may not be able to make the best decisions and you may need the extra income to hire others to help you take care of him.

[Locut0s]

11. Yes she worries because...

Untill now I've been one of those embarrassing man childs living at home with his parents till 30 with no signs of growth. The reason for this are multifold but mainly due to emotional issues that run deep in the family and perhaps the way I was raised. At any rate given this she probably feels I need the money all the more. She recently offered me $4000 to help keep my expenses in check even though I don't need it. I tried to rebuke the offer but it's difficult to. However despite the above I fully intend to leave the nest and establish myself, I've been making some important emotional strides of late. She worries I won't be able to though, she things my issues may be worse than they are and thinks about the likely bad case scenarios.

[Chan790]

6. It would bother me but not in the same way it seems to bother you.

Your mother is intensely feeling her mortality. That's the origin typically of these kinds of conversations.

[Locut0s]

10. Yes I suppose that's the case too, thanks...

I asked her after reading you post is she had anything to tell me about her health but no she said nothing particular she just things about these kinds of things more. I can understand that, they are both in their 60s now.

[Locut0s]

7. Updated the OP.

[SheilaT]

8. I suggest that you're reading more into this

than might be warranted.

My oldest son is all of a year younger than you, so I'm probably around the same age as your mother, and I can imagine a similar sort of conversation with one or both of my sons.

As for her inconsistency about giving money to the homeless, it's baffling, but many of us are inconsistent about all sorts of things. It does sound to me as if she's essentially good-hearted and cares a lot about you. She may not fully appreciate that you can give your money to the homeless if you want.

It's easy to see even our fully grown and self-sufficient children as still needing us for everything, especially advice or guidance. We look at the adult and we remember the baby, the toddler, the young child. That alone can be a good reason for adult children to live some distance away from their parents. However, since you live near her, cherish that, and if it's possible to have a deeper, adult to adult discussion were her about the various issues, do so.

[Locut0s]

9. Thank you SheilaT...

After calming down some I've realized most my issues with these incidents are my own. I actually don't live near her I live with her, and my father. I have been emotionally stunted in some ways, I'm mature beyond even my age in others but in many aspects I'm like a 17 yr old still. I'm only now leaving the nest so to speak and I suppose all those years of being cooped up means even small things that I perceive as purposefully limiting my freedom to be bothersom. But I have to accept this as my problem not her's. Another thing that gets me going but shouldn't at this point in my life is that she can be extremely blunt with her wording. It comes from being raised in a Chinese family (I'm 1/2 Chinese, my mother is Chinese) that's just the way things are done.

Like I was saying thanks for the reality check

[olddots]

16. you answered your own question in #14

your mother has a harder time with intimacy than your father does .This does not lessen her love for either of you .

yes you do need to control your life but that will come shortly plus none of us really ever actually control our lives because we live with other people who interact thru strength and weakness .

[Locut0s]

17. Thanks, lol I suppose I did answer it myself...

Thanks for the reply. That's true about never really controlling our own lives. However metaphorically not being in control is a bit different from living as a 16 year old when you are 31. I don't feel like a few friends of mine that I'm in a terrible desperate situation and that there is little hope left, but I DO feel I need to get moving.