First, we had cake. Cake was good. I liked cake. It was nice; it was substantial and it had frosting, filling and candles. Cake had panache. It had purpose too...it was communal, occasional and celebratory; it wasn't very good for you but that's why you don't eat it every day. It was the breaking of bread with friends to celebrate.
Then we had the cupcake. It was like a smaller personal cake--filthy libertarian cake. Gone is the breaking of bread, the communalism of cake. It says "I am portion controlled, use me to cheat on your diet but only in a measured sane way that is ultimately good." The cupcake is a fucking liar. Pretty soon it was getting gussied up with ever more frosting, fillings and decorative edibles. Cupcake was rococo self-indulgence; cupcake is all about cupcake. Insidious like needle drugs, cupcake hangs out at kiddie-eye-level and peddles himself like sugary pretty crack. Cupcake gets them addicted young, even invading the classrooms of America.
Cupcake, by no surprise, yielded miniature cupcake and cake-pop with their promises of being a viable single mouthful daily indulgence. They say "I'm just one bite." Do not fall prey to their charms. They know they feed your cake addiction, that's why they travel in roving gangs of 6 or 12. Like Lay's potato chips, you can't just eat one. They are shameful, you will know you have erred and in embarrassment, you will find yourself indulging in secret.
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