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It filets, it chops, it dices, slices,
Never stops, lasts a lifetime
It mows your lawn and it picks up the kids from school
It gets rid of unwanted facial hair,
it gets rid of embarrassing age spots,
It delivers a pizza, and it lengthens, and it strengthens
And it finds that slipper that's been at large
under the chaise lounge for several weeks
And it plays a mean Rhythm Master,
It makes excuses for unwanted lipstick on your collar
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It forges your signature
If not completely satisfied, mail back unused portion of product
For complete refund of price of purchase
You can live in it, laugh in it, love in it
Swim in it, sleep in it,
Removes embarrassing stains from contour sheets, that's right
And it entertains visiting relatives,
it turns a sandwich into a banquet
Change your shorts, change your life, get rid of your wife,
And it walks your dog, and it doubles on sax
And it steals your car
It gets rid of your gambling debts, it quits smoking
It's a friend, and it's a companion,
And it's the only product you will ever need
Follow these easy assembly instructions it never needs ironing
Well it takes weights off hips, bust, thighs, chin, midriff,
Gives you dandruff, and it finds you a job, it is a job
And it strips the phone company free take ten for five exchange,
And it gives you denture breath
And you know it's a friend, and it's a companion
And it gets rid of your traveler's checks
It's new, it's improved, it's old-fashioned
Well it takes care of business, never needs winding,
Never needs winding, never needs winding
Gets rid of blackheads, the heartbreak of psoriasis,
Christ, you don't know the meaning of heartbreak, buddy,
It's effective, it's defective, it creates household odors,
It disinfects, it sanitizes for your protection
It gives you an erection, it wins the election
Why put up with painful corns any longer?
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You satisfied?
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