My 2yr+ boyfriend (54) won't come home with me once this summer. We own a private island in canada.

[lindysalsagal]

Boats, open bar, parties, my mom's incredible cooking, wildlife, it's gorgeous. Plus, my parents are 73 and 80.

But it's just too long a drive for him. Boo effing who.

I left him in the car, with him whining at me that I should listen to his reasons why he doesn't want to come home with me once all summer. Pass. I really don't want to hear his reasons, and he certainly didn't want to hear mine.

He also refused to attend my dad's 80th surprise party, and he already had the time off from work.

And the funny thing is, he had no idea at all I'd react like that. He honestly wasn't trying to break up with me-he was just trying to sneak out of being the real man in my life, ever.

Damn. And here I am, 2 years older, with nothing to show for it.

No more republicans or catholics! I tried to be open-minded. Never again!!!

[bluedigger]

1. Seems like you have differing expectations for your relationship.

Now you know.

[lindysalsagal]

4. Yup. I guess he's been playing along for over 2 years. Amazing.

[ZombieHorde]

2. Couples that choose against communication are usually doomed to fail.

Assumed motivation is a very poor replacement for hearing what someone has to say.

[lindysalsagal]

3. 2 years of communication= He isn't really that into me.

His reasons for not being that into me are irrelevant, if he's not ever going to see my family again, who cares why?

His back-story is terrible. I'll spare you.
Do you want his number? He's available. You can have a try with him, if it means that much to you.

[ZombieHorde]

20. You have a lot more information about the relationship than I do.

The tiny bit of information in the OP seems to surround communication.

Do you want his number? He's available. You can have a try with him, if it means that much to you.

Ha!

[olddots]

5. Run from this fool as fast as can and don't look back

consider yourself very very lucky --it hurts but would have hurt a 100 times more if it had gone on further.

[lindysalsagal]

6. Amazing, the capacity for grown men to lie for sex.

Utterly amazing!

And this one is convinced he's holier than thou: Goes to church, don'tcha know. Real tight with god, unlike heathens like myself, who are completely honest with everyone we meet.

Another bible-reading hypocrite!

[HipChick]

9. It's ok to rant...

[rug]

7. Screw him. Now let's hear more about your private island.

[HipChick]

10. +10000..

[lindysalsagal]

11. That's what I'm saying. It's actually a string of 4 large islands shaped into a lagoon

so the lagoon is our own private piece of the river. Muskrats, mink, eagles, hawks, osprey, beavers, raccoons, carp, hummingbirds on our front table. It's breathtakingly gorgeous, and my parents are the best party on the river. Everyone wants an invite to their place. The drinkers leave about 2 am. It's the ripingest party ever.

I own 2 kayaks, my parents own other boats including a yacht.

Some of the river (St. Lawrence) is 150-200 ft deep. Incredibly clean and fast.

But, boo whoo, it's not worth his prescious time. He golfs 4 times a week, and so he can't afford to miss any golf, while he's wasting time with my wonderful family, who really like him.

Fool.

Guess he's sleeping with his golf clubs from now on. I certainly hope they keep him warm at night.

[bluedigger]

14. 1,000 Islands?

My Grandfather had a place on the river in Morristown, NY. That's not even Canada, hardly. I thought you were dragging him to the NW Territories or something. It's beautiful there. Schmuck!

[lindysalsagal]

16. Yuppers. You know it. You can see our island off of the last bridge to the canadian mainland

Most men would kill to fish there, or at least jog or ride a bike or paddle a canoe. It's man-land heaven.

But it would cut into a couple of his golf games, so, he just can't afford to loose those 2 games, even though he golfs there, too.

I'm done with fools. Totally done.

Menopause: when women realize they need a pause from men.

[Downwinder]

8. Don't loan him any money.

[lindysalsagal]

12. He would never ask and I would never give. Actually, I will pay him back for some joint bills on a

vaca we just took. Lotta good that did.

[Honeycombe8]

13. His behavior is telling you something. Sounds like you've heard it.

It's not about whether HE wants to go. It's all about him going because it matters to you. And of course, you should listen to his reasons why. No reason not to. THEN you can decide whether those reasons are strong enough to give him a pass for not doing something simple like this just because it matters to you.

Consideration. This is, IMO, a key ingredient for any relationship. But I'm divorced, so what do I know?

[lindysalsagal]

15. I've passed him on everything else, already. No more passes.

I'll spare you the details. He doesn't want to be important in my life: It's just dinner and a quickie on sat nights, and he's outta here.

So sick of his childishness.

I wish I were a lesbian! I wouldn't have to deal with men!

[Sekhmets Daughter]

17. Relationships are the same whether heterosexual or homosexual...

If he or she is just not that into you, they're just not that into you.

As a non-believer there is nothing on earth that I would find attractive about a man who attends church every Sunday...regardless of denomination.

That you put up with his nonsense for 2 years says more about you than him...

Most of us have at least one loser lurking in a closet somewhere!

[lindysalsagal]

18. Thanks. I try to be open-minded, but really, no more religious people. I'm done.

He could have been a man and told me 2 years ago that he didn't really like me.

[Sekhmets Daughter]

19. Or....

you could have been more attuned to him and what his signals were saying... Sometimes it is just better to ask or assert. Both are time savers and life is too short to waste on those who have different desires.

I hope you get over him quickly and move on... the seas are full of fish...many of whom are waiting for just someone like you!

[Hula Popper]

21. Damn gal

I'd dump this mope very soon. I've fished, camped and hiked that area before and its beautiful there.
Is he afraid of cottage opening and work?
Damn repugs.
Meet me in Alexandria and we'll walk the Boldt castle grounds and fish musky. I'll bring a smoker for ribs...

[Ikonoklast]

22. I'm 58, single, don't play golf, and only step inside a church for weddings and funerals.

I'll tell your Dad dirty jokes over drinks until your Mom has dinner ready, then hit on her until she blushes like a teenager.

[Brigid]

24. Now here's an offer lindysalsgal can't refuse.

[lindysalsagal]

27. More likely, my mom will make YOU blush!!

But I'd still like to see you try!

...weddings and funerals....hopefully, not my own!

[DFW]

23. Well, I'm with a Catholic--retired, that is.

When my wife was little, she wanted to become a nun, that's how indoctrinated she was. But slowly, she noticed the priests in her area were doing evil things to little boys and girls, and the worst that ever happened to them was that they got transferred. So she stopped believing, and then she stopped altogether.

Her mom, the only surviving parent out of our four, is a sweet, open-minded lady of 85, still gets around great on her bicycle (10 Km to the dentist and 10 Km back!). She still goes to mass, still believes the whole ball of wax, but is very tolerant of me and the fact that I refused to have our children religiously indoctrinated. If she were American, I suppose she would even be a Republican, but she doesn't even speak English.

Your newly-minted ex sounds like he deserves to be alone with his golf clubs. I can't say for sure, because I don't play golf. I can try to imagine the mentality. After all, take away my guitars and there will be trouble. But my wife doesn't try to take away my guitars, and we're both cool with each other's families.

I'd caution against ceasing to be open-minded. Just next time, make sure your boyfriend is the same way. I think that's the minor detail you forgot with this jerk. It was doomed to failure if you were the only one making all the concessions. My wife and I have been making concessions to each other for 39 years now. It works, but not as a one-way street.

And beware of that saying German women have about men over 30 and public toilets--it's not always true, but it's not always wrong, either, as you just found out.

[lindysalsagal]

26. They don't care as long as they hit something???

Is that what german women say???

No, honestly, I want to know!

I think you're right about me doing all the adjusting. But that's over. He'll never understand.

I would be great in a marriage like yours, given the chance!!

[stevenleser]

32. I had to look it up too...

http://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=view_post&forum=1018&pid=260340

[lindysalsagal]

35. I think you're probably right!

lol!

[DFW]

34. LOL!! I think I lost something in the translation. Here it is:

Männer über 30 sind wie öffentliche Klos: entweder besetzt oder beschissen.

"Men over 30 are like public toilets--either they're taken or they're full of shit."

Now, I happen to know that is NOT a universal truth. My sister didn't get married until she was 44, and her husband was well over 30 at the time (37, to be exact). They are still very happy together, 13 years later.

NEVER think you'll never get a chance. I had no clue the "right" woman for me was out there. I thought I had met "her" when I was 18, but she dumped me for a better class of person (or some such) when I was 20, and I thought the world had come to an end. I met my wife two years later, and SHE was the one who thought it was a nice summer fling with no future. She thought America was somewhere beyond the far side of the moon, and she'd never see it, let alone marry a guy from there. Indeed, things were so hectic in those days, with my fluid situation in the States and her graduate studies in social work in Germany. But we somehow kept the spark alive, the suspicion growing that neither of us wanted anyone else. When I was recruited for my job, I requested to be sent as frequently as possible to Europe--and not because I like the cold and the rain. I think if my brother hadn't invited us to our own wedding, we still never would have found the time for it.

In short, you never know where or when the right partner for you is out there. Maybe never, but you can't resign yourself to that. You're worth more than that. You have to believe that at some completely unexpected point in time, you'll meet him, and he'll be happy his wait is over, too. The wait seems endless, I know. At age 20, my two years in the desert seemed like a century. But it was worth the wait. When I first joined DU, it was in the darkest Bush years, and many people signed off their posts with NGU. I asked what it stood for. It stands for Never Give Up.

[pipi_k]

25. One of the cooler things

about getting older is learning stuff.

Some stuff I've learned:

1. We teach people how to treat us. If this has been the general tenor of your relationship for the past two years, then you might want to ask yourself what you did to give him the idea he could treat you this way.

2. Communication is a two-way street. You said you didn't want to hear his reasons. And he doesn't want to hear yours. Sounds like you both care more about being right than about preserving your relationship.

3. There are two sides to every story. If he were to post here telling his side, what would he say? Yes, I know it's tempting to be the victim, but that's hardly ever the case in an adult relationship. I could go on and on and on about how shittily ex husbands or ex boyfriends have been toward me, but I'm no saint. I know I can be difficult, and I know that anyone hearing MY side of the story would think they were all complete jerks, which is not the case at all.

A relationship made up of two people means that both of them bring their own bullshit to the relationship. The trick is to figure out what OUR part in it is.

[lindysalsagal]

28. Here's his side of the story:

He plays golf. I know that. I have to take a back seat to the golf. Nothing to discuss.

I'm supposed to be happy with 2 hours of his time on friday and saturday nights, when he comes over for dinner, and passes out around 10:00 because he's so tired from getting up at 5 am to golf before he goes to work from noon until 9:30.

So I basically get his left-over hours, when his work, the church, and the golf courses and golf ranges are closed, and he's exhausted.

We spend no time together during the week or on weekend days. He's golfing. I'm alone.

That's just the imperical data: So, there's no interpretation there.

I'm filling in the cracks when the golf courses are closed, and I can't ask him to go anywhere or do anything with me when I have free time.

If you'd like his number, I'll email it to you, and you can try to have a relationship with him.

Just remember that he believes every word he hears on faux news, thinks I'm un-caring, and George bush is the second coming. He thinks the GOP really cares about him, and Obama's a socialist.

I. Give. Up.

[Arugula Latte]

29. Oh lordy. You can do so much better...

I think it's a good thing this happened to give you clarity and the will to dump his selfish, golfing-, GOP-loving ass.

[dixiegrrrrl]

31. So he is a fuck buddy..or you are...

Here's a hint from a life time of experience:

What you see is what you get, expecting them "to change" if ony you work at it hard enough
is a fantasy.

If he is a rightwinger, why are you surprised when he acts like one?

And does he fit a pattern in your relationship choices????

If you always do what you always do
you will always get what you always got
Ponder that.

[lindysalsagal]

37. I think that's how he sees it: But I certainly don't.

The problem is, are there any men out there who want a real relationship, and who don't lie to get laid?

[dixiegrrrrl]

39. May I be blunt?

If for 2 years he has the pattern that you described, despite your complaining,.....
then your actions are tellling him it is ok to continue his pattern
becuase tho you may nag and bitch he shrugs it off
PLUS
apparenlty he is still getting the Sat. night goodies.

Ball is in your court...keep letting him come over for a weekend screw
or
look at what you are doing and stop it.

You can't be a door mat if you are not lying on the floor.

[pipi_k]

36. Actually...

that's not his side of the story.

It's you telling your side of his story.

When I posed the question about what he would say about your relationship, I meant what would he say about the way you act toward him...

How does he perceive your relationship from his POV.

Does he ever feel nagged? Unappreciated?

His apparent obsession with golfing could be a passive way of expressing anger. Maybe he feels like you're trying to control him, and doesn't want to come right out and say it. Or maybe he doesn't even KNOW he feels controlled and is just acting out.

One never knows what's going on in another person's head unless they ask, but if two people don't care enough about the relationship, I guess that's not going to happen.

In any case, I don't want or need his number, as I'm married. For the third time, I might add, because the first two marriages (and a bunch of relationships in between) didn't last more than five years each.

Just celebrated 18 years of marriage to the same guy, so obviously something I learned along the way worked.

[Moondog]

30. It sounds to me like you're pretty tolerant.

He had his shot. Move on. There are a lot of men in the world.

[LuckyLib]

33. A Republican AND a Catholic? Either would be a deal-breaker for me. And both?

Not in a million years. Nobody can transcend that combination!

[lindysalsagal]

38. Yup. No more. I tried. Lost cause.

[patricia92243]

40. Only YOU can decide if you would rather have him in your life for hours/days - or not have him in

your life at all. Is his main fault that he doesn't spend the amount of time with you that you would like - but in most other ways he is a good man?

Everybody has faults. Every relationship has its ups and downs. If you find somebody else, they might not have his particular set of faults - but they will have others.


PS - Would he come to your parent's house if he could fly there instead of drive - can he afford it?

[Dyedinthewoolliberal]

41. Where do I sign up?

I'm descended from Canadians............

[lindysalsagal]

42. lol!

It's really a special place.

[Ken Burch]

43. DTMFA...but, just to be fair

You'll find a lot of guys who will pull that shit who aren't Catholics or 'pugs.

[lindysalsagal]

44. No doubt. But he thinks he's holier than the rest of us....

What's DTMFA?

[Ken Burch]

45. Check your pm's. I'm not sure it's cool to post it in a public thread.