A few words about weird kids.

[alarimer]

I'd put this is GD, but I'm afraid it would disappear among all the other threads and stories.

I want to say a few things about "weird" kids. Often, in fact every single time, a horrific event such as the Connecticut shootings happens, the killer is almost always described as "weird", "quiet", "shy", or even, "brainiac". Now I am aware that Adam Lanza no doubt had a host of issues that led to him doing what he did, but I am not really talking about him or any other person who did what he did, nor am I trying to excuse it. My aim here is to note that those words used to describe him can be used to describe many other people who are NOT mass murderers. They describe me. They might describe you.

No, my concern is that kids, especially, who are given those labels, will be further marginalized because they will come under extra scrutiny after this event, most likely by the adults in charge of any given institution. In some cases, that may be a good thing, in that it might identify people who do need help. But I'm afraid that, for the most part, it will only result in introverts being labeled as "potential mass murderers", and further ostracized or bullied.

Introverts face many hurdles in our extroverted society. It begins as soon as you begin socializing with other kids. Now, I am no expert in the field, so I am going to relate my experiences. When I was in kindergarten, I was sent home from school as punishment because I wouldn't play with the other children. My preferred activity was to sit and read (I had learned to read at age 3) but the teacher didn't like that and one day I acted out. As I got older, I got a little bit better and I had teachers who understood better and who knew how to deal with kids like me. Once I got to high school, however, things changed a lot. Loners and quiet kids were scrutinized and ostracized as never before. Now, this was before most of the school shootings had ever happened, so we didn't face that kind of scrutiny. In fact, this being redneck country, plenty of guns were in the parking lot of the school and nobody thought anything of it.

My whole life I have been labeled "shy", "quiet", "weird", and, yes, a "brainiac." In fact I overheard someone calling me weird at work not that long ago. I have to admit it stung a little.

Introverts like me face hurdles as adults as well, mainly in the workplace. Certain professions are just not open to us, no matter how hard we try, in this society that values extroverts more. And dating is a minefield for introverts, men and women, alike. But as adults we usually find a way that makes us happy, but it takes many, many years to get there. I'm not there yet.

[rug]

1. Well, you're in the right place.

[alarimer]

3. I cringe every time I hear a murderer described as "quiet" or "reserved"

Because I know that people like that will come under extra scrutiny, whether they deserve it or not.

Obviously most introverts and most people with problems, mental or otherwise, are not killers.

I was just trying to make an observation about these labels and how harmful it can be.

[rug]

5. Few people learn how to be comfortable in their own skin.

I greatly admire those who do.

Sometimes it feels like we're surrounded by mirrors and we're forever taking glances to see how we look.

[TrogL]

11. I feel like I'm surrounded by vampires and zombies

The vampires are socializers taking over a room or a meeting or buttonholing you for a conversation and feeding off you to get their socialization fix.

The zombies are socializers who do stuff like walk in a store, stop dead in their tracks blocking the doorway so they can yack to the person next to them. YOU WENT TO THE STORE TO BUY FOOD. THE FOOD IS OVER THERE, NOT IN THE DOORWAY. DON'T YACK, GO BUY FOOD!!!

[femmocrat]

2. Kids can be cruel to anyone who doesn't fit their "mold".

I see it as young as kindergarten. Teachers really do encourage everyone get along, play nice, etc.... but children form their own little social groups very early. I'm thinking you were sent home for the "acting out" instead of reading quietly. How did you express your frustration?

The playground is the worst place, IMO. There are kids who wander around the edges and just don't join in. Yes, it gets worse in middle and high school. Although sometimes the shy children will find a kindred spirit or two.
I am also an introvert, but have learned coping skills over the years. Best wishes to you, alarimer.

[alarimer]

4. I can't remember the details of that incident

But my mom claims that that teacher never liked me in the first place.

No doubt I misbehaved in some fashion or another. I was only 5.

[silentwarrior]

6. I was a very quiet

kid, did not have many friends, was bullied all through school.

My best friend was a drainpipe overhanging a wall. I used to run
to sit next to it at playtime and tell it all my thoughts.
It was very comforting at the time.
I was always called a "strange" kid.

[Still Blue in PDX]

8. I'm still wandering around the edges.

What an apt description.

[LWolf]

16. Not just kids. nt

[Archae]

7. I was like that.

Add to that I love to read. Always have.

"Bookworm"
"Egghead"
"Nerd"

Those are the non-vulgar names I was called, even as a senior in high school.

I hated school, and was overjoyed to finally graduate.

There were times too, I was angry enough to bring a gun to school, but I never did.

I've never been to any of my class reunions, and next year is our 35th.
I won't be going to that one either.
Just too many bitter memories.

[TrogL]

12. I don't dare go to a class reunion

I fear for others' safety. (mods, this is not a threat)

[TrogL]

9. Been there done that

Flunked kindergarten and was placed in the "slow" grade one until somebody had the idea to run me through an intelligence test. They gave me a booklet with a bunch of puzzles. After a bit I asked the teacher "I'm finished, now what do I do?" She looked absolutely horrified and said "you're not supposed to be able to finish it".

So much for the "slow" grade 1. I never did get to finish my cow project.

They'd based intelligence solely on ability to socialize. It isn't much different today. I'm lucky I'm in a nerd job (UNIX analyst). My last performance review was glowing praise of my work and complaints about my appearance.

[nolabear]

10. As a therapist I have a particular love for "weird". They often are just wonderful.

Again, the language fails. I don't work with kids any more but often the unusual kid becomes an unusual adult, and that adult is creative, sensitive, talented, artistic and an absolute delight. But the world is not well equipped to help those people to realize their potential and make the most of their remarkable natures. A few do, and we get the Robin Williamses and Bill Gateses and Lady Gagas and Jackson Pollocks and Neal Cassidys.

[alarimer]

14. What I object to is the conflation of "weird" or "quiet" with murderous.

I don't think we will ever understand what drives Adam Lanza and others to do what they did, but it's not because they're weird.
Bullying may have played a part, but I have no doubt that whatever it was, it takes a lot more than that to end up that way.

The media narrative seems to be that "weird" kids turn into murderers, so watch out for the weird, shy or sensitive. It just pisses me off that so many people buy into that narrative as well. And it ends up isolation these kids (and adults) even more.

As a an introvert and shy person, I get so sick of people telling me that I should smile more or that I should stop being so quiet. I have a little bit of this at work right now. I work along side some truly obnoxious extroverts (I know not all extroverts are obnoxious but this guy is) and wonder how long I can actually work in this workplace because of it. I simply do not fit in.

[nolabear]

18. I get that. I think of it as where one replenishes energy.

An extrovert draws energy from being around people and throws it out there in the hope and expectation of getting it back. An introvert renews by having time alone or to be quiet, and that helps them focus and think. Neither is better; they're just different. But being people people, more extroverted types often misunderstand those who don't like that constant back-and-forth interplay and think it's rejection or dislike of others.

So yes, I appreciate your position. I have some of both.

[Odin2005]

13. This Aspie cringed when the MSM started saying Lanza had Asperger's.

There are already tons of ignorance about Asperger's, with people conflating it with Sociopathy and thinking that we "have no feelings" and other such nonsense. Then this comes along...

[LWolf]

17. I did, too.

Some of the students that have changed me the most have been the aspies.

[Odin2005]

20. The funny thing is that I am an extrovert, despite being an Aspie.

People mistakenly think all unsociable or shy people are introverts. I actually like being out in public, and prefer reading in the library or in a coffeehouse rather than at home. It's just that my Asperger's makes socializing difficult. Many of us extroverted aspies get the label "active but odd" by people who specialize in Autism Spectrum Disorders.

[LWolf]

15. I have been thinking the same thing.

Maybe because there are more extroverts than introverts, we introverts are too often considered "not normal" in some way.

We are normal. We are just different than many.

[alarimer]

19. American society in particular is geared toward the extroverted

The good thing is we can gravitate towards those professions that suit us. But before I went to college and during breaks, I had a series of retail jobs. Now those jobs are hell for those of us who are introverts and also not people people. I did what was asked of me. I worked hard and worked extra when they needed me, but I hated it and was very unsuited to it.

[DCKit]

21. My parents were totally self-involved and left us by the wayside.

We raised ourselves... not a good preparation for adulthood.