How does one regain self-confidence after having it shattered?

[alarimer]

I don't have much to begin and now, I'm just really doubting myself, my judgment in other people, and whether or not I can ever trust anyone again. I feel very insecure, like no matter who I meet in the future, I can never trust that they won't leave me for someone younger and hotter, because there are always younger and hotter people around.

[HipChick]

1. start believing in you..

take yourself out..

After a bad breakup, I didn't date for about 5yrs...if someone was interested in me, I think I went out of my way to avoid them...in the end the only person you are hurting is yourself, you are depriving someone (you will adore you for just being you) of your company...

[alarimer]

2. It's strange because professionally I am in a good place finally.

In fact, I really should be working instead of fooling around on DU. I'm just procrastinating.

I'm not very social, so it's easier for me just to hide in my apartment, rather than going out to meet people.

[nolabear]

3. Find a good therapist. Just giving these problems respect

And yourself the ability to back up a little, with a skilled and caring person who can help you challenge those very real, but incorrect feelings about your worth. Ones value is intrinsic, not determined how another feels about them, in part because the other has his own internal influences that may outweigh any accurate perception of you.

[Flaxbee]

6. that, and see if you can volunteer somewhere...

or take some classes just to learn something for fun.

You are a good person. You're just in a bad spot. Please think about a therapist, just to talk through your grief and other doubts; then get out of your own head space and go volunteer with kids, with animals, whatever. Go do it.

And take yoga, or a dance class, or a drawing class, or .... choose something, though, where you won't end up judging yourself.

[alarimer]

8. I'm thinking about a cooking class actually.

I thought about it last night, as I was chopping vegetables (badly), thinking "I really need to learn how to do this properly."

So if I can find one

[Tsiyu]

20. That sounds like a really good idea

Learn some new skills and develop your own personal recipe file.

As someone who has been married - more than once - and has raised kids, I say
enjoy this time you have alone to find out who you are. Don't let someone else - or partnership with someone else -
define who you are. Discover what it is you enjoy doing, what your true goals are.

Look at this as an opportunity to develop yourself, and when the right person shows up - WOO HOO - you are free to enjoy the opportunity.

Let us know how the cooking classes work out.

[alarimer]

26. First I need to find a class.

I'm not sure where to look, maybe the community college.

[mythology]

4. I'd recommend a pet if nothing else

It will give you someone who is excited to see you, will let you curl up with them, forgives any sins instantly and loves unconditionally. And then take a chance on somebody a little more human.

God knows I know how hard it is to trust people, but every once in a while you find somebody that surprises you. I'd recommend not looking for a date, but instead a friend. Somebody with common interests. Try volunteering. Most people who volunteer tend to not suck as much as the rest of society in my experience.

[alarimer]

9. I have a cat.

But he's not really excited to see me. It's more like "Oh, it's you again."

[loli phabay]

5. why the need to get involved again, why not just go out and have fun without thinking about any comm

commitment. i think you are in the hole where you are either going to shut yourself of from everyone and end up with 30 cats or you need to just get out there and see where you end up. Dont go looking for a life partner just go lookin for something casual whether thats movies dates or sex.

[alarimer]

10. That's good advice

I was just in a bad place when I wrote this, Friday night and alone as usual.

I couldn't get mind not to think of him and what he might be doing with her, etc., etc.

[libodem]

7. We share the same

Type of insecurity. I really obcess over stuff and over analyze. And then I'm full of free advice I can't always follow.

[alarimer]

16. Exactly

Sometimes having an analytical mind is more of a pain than anything.

[Bucky]

11. Nice post, Mitt.

Sorry, had to do that. Seriously, you can only control what you do, not others. It sounds like a generalized anxiety you have about aging. Don't fight age; embrace it. Whoever you hook up with will be aging, too. Am I remembering correctly and you posted earlier this year about your l'affairs d'amor? If so, I can only recommend time, risk, and Buddhist sense of detachment. Personal relationships are of the nature to change. Some whither and some evolve, but they always change over time. Accept that. Stay light on your feet.

If you find a lover accept that it could all end today, every day, and realize that you'll survive the change. Stay in the moment at all times and stay light on your feet. Mostly, stay spontaneous. Guys like a chick who keeps surprising them. It's okay to share your heart and your fears, but I recommend a balance of about 8 parts fun to 3 parts sex to 1 part share your fears, blended in with 5 parts being quiet and relaxed together and 8 parts being okay with yourself when yall are away from each other. Obviously this recipe will changed over time and will vary from couple to couple.

But the most important thing is to be okay with yourself. Work on that. Self confidene isn't a trick you learn. It's a muscle that you have to exercise, lest it whither.

[alarimer]

12. Yes, I probably have talked about it entirely too much this year.

I always felt sort of anxious about it, like I could never just be myself or whatever.

All good advice, but much harder for me to put into practice. I am the least spontaneous person I know. I like to know what's going to happen. Uncertainty is difficult, even if it's good.

[Joey Liberal]

13. Try Yoga

It's brought me a lot of inner peace. There is someone out there, somewhere, that wants to show you what true love is all about. It'll happen. Hang in there and positive vibes headed your way.

[Wait Wut]

14. Live.

We've all been through it. It always seems like the end of the world, like no one will ever truly love you and share all those good times, be the shoulder you need when times are hard.

And then, the most bizarre thing happens. Your inner strength takes over. Suddenly, you're laughing again. You're holding your head high. And then...someone notices.

The highest power is within you. Never forget to notice how beautiful the sunrise is. It's always the beginning of a new day. The universe is giving you a gift of a chance. Accept it, embrace it and fucking laugh!!

I can tell by your posts that you're a compassionate and loving individual. Do you seriously think that no one will appreciate that? That you'll never be noticed for your intelligence? How many times have you not noticed someone? There could be someone in the very same building as you that feels just as dejected and lost. It could be the love of your life or just a good friend.

Experience things. Don't shut down.

Go for a walk. Smile at a stranger or two. Maybe strike up a conversation at a coffee shop. Don't let that fear consume you.

[alarimer]

15. Thank you.

Sometimes it's hard to remember all those things.

It's actually quite beautiful today. Unfortunately I am stuck indoors working on a presentation due in 2 days! No three-day weekend for me.

[OffWithTheirHeads]

17. I'm not quite sure how to express this but in my 62 years on this dot

I have found that when I stop giving a shit what others think about me, others suddenly seem to care what I think about them. I know, it's counter-intuitive but, at least for me, it has been consistant. It's also really hard to balance when your nature is to be empethetic.

[alarimer]

21. I'm learning

Slowly. Sometimes it's like I'm still in school, though.

[Taverner]

18. Sucess. Do something you can suceed at. Even if it's just Skee-Ball.

[byeya]

24. Briefly off topic: Skee Ball: one of the great inventions of humankind. Love it and wish

I had one in my house.

The post above about finding something you like and can succeed at is very much to the point and is good advice. It could be a solitary pursuit like collecting(your choice of collectibles); or a group effort like a Walk for a good Cause; or, like you mentioned, an adult course at a college or junior college.

I wish you the best; it's no fun going what you are going through.

[backwoodsbob]

19. hugs

No words...HUGS

[alarimer]

22. Thanks

It's better. I worked all weekend. Not that I want to make a habit of that, but it seemed to help.

[SimplyMarie]

23. It sounds cliche but

time really does heal all wounds. Believe me..I've kissed a lot of frogs..some downright toads..before I came across the love of my life. I think one of the other posters had a great point. When you stop caring so much what other people think of you, you become willing to take more risks and you project a different kind of personality. When you portray confidence you attract a different caliber of guy. Guys who are attracted to women with low self esteem or insecurity probably have their own issues.

I know that breakups hurt..the wondering etc..and it can drive you crazy to think about it..so the solution is to just stop thinking about it. What other interests do you have? I don't tend to be very outgoing socially...so I turned my love of reading into action and started volunteering for various literacy festivals around my state. It enabled me to meet a lot of great people and created friendships with two New England area authors.

Think about what your passions are..what interests you..then set about finding a way to be part of it.

[dawg]

25. I see myself in your OP.

I wish I had some answers to give you, but I'm still looking for them myself.

For what it's worth, I don't think it matters that there are younger, hotter people out there. If you're really special to someone, that doesn't matter.

[alarimer]

27. Yes, you're right of course.

I just get very insecure from time to time.