Divorce is no joke..

[HipChick]

so after 22yrs, a friend of mine is going through a divorce..

He is very bitter, but every time we go out, I become a sounding board for what is going on with his divorce - one on hand, its nice that he feels so comfortable sharing so much with me

I feel bad for him, and we have been friends for a long time - It's a bitter divorce,with kids, property and all sorts of stuff going on..but we also work at the same company, and he's in a more senior position than I am, and got me a job at his company

His ex sounds a bit psycho...but I am also only hearing one side of the story

How would you remain a supportive friend in this situation, without feeling like you are being dumped on all the time

[hollysmom]

1. heh I have been divorcd 25 years and I am still bitter

Just shows you shouldn't marry young.

I jest of course, sort of.

I never told anyone the whole story, but told different people different parts - Like my mom got the emotional part, business friends got the work part of it (i.e. I got my husband his job after he changed careers and moved into my turf). My closest Chinese friend got to hear the Chinese part of it, my single alder friend got to hear about the loneliness part, etc. I think that is how most of my friends handled it, i don't remember anyone leaning on me too much, my cousin a bit, but most others kept it to themselves.

As far as the psycho part, it is a gut wrenching emotion, especially if it was a long marriage. So, he probably does have his psycho moments. How he handles it and the ability to look at the big picture is important. People set in motion a lot of destructive forces when they get divorced, if you have your eyes on the prizes you want at the end, you can get it. He has to decide what he wants out of the marriage and prioritize what is most important. If the kids are more important than the money, be prepared to spend, if the money is more important,he won't have to compromise as much.

My friends did not want the details, and I am glad I only shared the more intimate stuff with Mom, who has now passed. If you want to be a friend to him, make sure he knows what he wants out of the marriage. But you should not have to take the brunt, that is for family. You are right to realize you only are hearing part of the story, but that is true of every story in life. You can call TMI periodically. You don't want to know too many of his details because that will color how he looks at you over time.

I am going to assume that you are not friends with his wife as well because our joint friends could not take it. and basically they had to choose. And mine was not really that bad a divorce, we settled without lawyers, we just had one to one meetings to split up everything. The lawyers finalized it, but we did not let them use up time negotiating. That was a good point, we did not want to spend our money on lawyers - more for us.

[HipChick]

2. That's what bothers me..TMI with wife's accusations..

I've know him over a decade...I have met the wife a few times...but the stuff he is telling me...she always acts as though butter wouldn't melt in her mouth...I don't want to even go to the intimate details here, but like I said we work together, but he's hurting underneath badly and needs a vent..

but I don't think I am it...

I got married at 19, and got rid of that loser by the time I was 25...It left me unable to get into another relationship for years, I realized finally because I was always churning the ex story...I never got therapy, and the bitterness churned in me for a while, but I got over it

[riderinthestorm]

3. http://www.divorceanonymous.com/

I have no idea if this is helpful at all but if he's making you crazy with his despair, then you need to try to nudge him into some kind of "larger community" to help him vent his way through this without dragging you down.

Maybe there isn't a Divorce Anon near him, but maybe he needs counseling?

It took my sister years before she finally STOPPED talking about it. Even now the bitterness simmers below the surface if it comes up. So be prepared for a long slog even if he does find a grief support group.....

[HipChick]

5. She had their dog put down...

rather than let him have it, for when he has the kids...The youngest is 12,very sensitive and cried the entire weekend about the dog,he had him since he was a puppy...there was nothing wrong with it either, I cannot believe the crap people will do out of spite

[riderinthestorm]

8. Gah!!! Horrific!!!

[hollysmom]

10. the problem with TMI

is that he can remember he said it to you later and not be happy about that.

But, yes, encourage him to get into a group. Personally, I got thrown out of group therapy because I could not believe the crap people put up with and kept saying "you don't have to put up with that!", since if I had a problem with my ex- I let him know in no uncertain terms what would happen, one day he called to invite himself to Christmas Eve dinner with my family and I had to break it to him we were not friends. heh.

If your friend has problems like you say, he must document everything - a paper trail is best when you have to fight in court. he needs a lot of documentation. The way I got my ex to agree to the settlement we have was having access to our tax returns and credit card receipts for the entire time of our marriage. And building a huge spread sheet of our lives together - I told you I was a bit obsessed. Oddly enough it helped me deal with what happened and figure out finally what drove this man. if he spends more time putting it on paper, he would not have to tell you so much. And you can say, we are friends but TMI!!!!!


As far as courts giving the mother priority, not if she is mentally unstable or does not have the children's best interest at heart. document document. Get something about the dog in writing. Up until the early 1900's the father was given default custody of the children because he could support them, the supporting of the woman after divorce was a more modern change. Usually the one with the best lawyer wins.

good luck.

[HopeHoops]

4. That's difficult. It's almost worse when they're staying together.

I have a friend who married a liar and maniacal bitch (pardon the term, but she fits it). He was already wealthy when they met and she told him she was clinically sterile so they didn't need protection. Funny thing, but she got pregnant and married into money. And curiously, she's had two more since, both when he was on the edge of divorcing her. The only reason he stays with her is because he's afraid the courts will give her custody of the kids (which, they often do lean toward the woman). I've been through not only his griping about her, but his older brother's griping about her AND him because he doesn't have the balls to just tell her to fuck off.

My parents separated when I was in 8th grade. As nasty as it was (for years before in fact), I think it was hardest on my brother and me. They divorced shortly afterwards, but we felt abandoned by both of them and the vitriol was unbearable. I put my friends through something similar to what you're dealing with. It sounds like he just needs a sounding board. My best advice would be to listen but not try to be his shrink. Casually suggesting that he seek professional help might be worth trying. If what he needs is someone to gripe at, one who is paid (and trained to handle it) could just be best for him.

[OriginalGeek]

6. "You are my friend and I appreciate all you have done for me...

and I want to be there for you and be the best friend I can be in your time of pain. However, I am not qualified to handle the rage and disappointment and hurt that you are feeling. Here are some numbers for people you can call who are trained to deal with this sort of thing..." and have a list of local free mental health resources...I don't know how big your company is but ours has a 24 Employee Assistance Program that offers free counseling for darn near everything you can think of including exactly this. It can be as anonymous as we want or we can use them to scheduling counseling or to see a real doctor...hopefully you guys have something available in your company or city like that...


ALSO, and I hate to say this as really don't know either of you (him not at all) so If I am wayyyy off base please forgive me and ignore this - but I have to wonder if, in his grief, he is dumping all this on you because he thinks it might set him up in the future to be more than friends with you. IF he can gain your sympathy he might think that could translate to future romance because he is interested in you more than as a friend?

[Phentex]

7. Good ideas...but it's hard...

I had someone telling me things I should not have been told and it made me very uncomfortable but I also knew it was a place of pain. Sometimes, there's just a need to vent and share.

I would have the OP say it just the way you've said it in your first paragraph as a very good start.

[dawg]

9. Sometimes, just listening is enough.

I've been a train wreck for nearly three years because of my separation. Having a friend or two who were willing to listen made all the difference in the world.

I know it's emotionally draining on you, but he needs someone to talk to. Or at least I did.

Actually, I still need that. But I try to hold back with people now. I know they are sick of it. It's still fresh to me, but it's old news to everyone else.

One friend in particular - I doubt she even realizes how much she helped me. Now we're back to lighthearted banter about anything and everything. But there was a time when I really needed her to listen .... and she did .... and I owe her big time.

[hollysmom]

11. good friends are so special.

I feel blessed the same way. But mostly my Mom listened and supported me. Even got my Nephew who was looking fora job to move in with me for a month, just so I didn't off myself, not that I would have done that, they just knew I was distraught.

[JustABozoOnThisBus]

12. Be dumped on

Sounds like he needs somebody to vent with. Sit and listen, and you're supporting him just fine. It's good that you recognize his stories about the ex are one-sided.

This will pass, or at least slow down over time.

Meanwhile, if he's venting, he should buy the beer.

[Taverner]

13. Be an ear and shoulder, that's what he needs right now

Someone to listen...