My mother in law still knows how to mentally abuse my wife. What do I do to help her?

[diabeticman]

My wife has said in this Hell in a whole dying town mainly to care for her mother. This woman has never been a kind woman to my wife. She has always kept her under her thumb and used her and ANY TIME my wife has soon any sort of backbone this woman has crushed her in some way.


My wife and I had decided not to tell my mother-in-law just how bad my wife's job been for her. She left the company she was working at because 1 she had terrible pay. 2 they kind of forced her out of the company. The company has done this to a number of my wife's once co-workers. We have been muddling through on my paycheck as she has been looking for another job.

She finally found a job that finally payed her $1.50 more than she was being paid hourly at the old job SHE will also be bumped up to $9 after her probation period. For where we are living between my pay and her's it will make things comfortable for us.

Right now the company is getting more clients so my wife is basically on call but she's making some money and it is better than nothing. I figure she an hang in there for the month and a 1/2 until things get finalize and settle in this new company she is working in.

Today my wife traveled 1/2 out of town to work with a client and when she went to go home the car battery was dead. It took her a half hour to get the car jump started (Thank the God, Goddess, superior power whoever for the kindness of strangers.) and a half hour to travel home. During that time I thought I'd need to borrow my mother-in-law's car to get home. BIG MISTAKE

She needed to know where my wife was why she was there and all that stuff. When my wife got home she called her mom I came to work.

Her mother gets pissy. Giving her the 3rd degree about what she was doing. Starts yelling at her "How the Hell are you getting to work everyday?" Wife said we have it covered that the car battery was a fluke thing.

Her mother got pissed off that she got a job without either telling her mother --Or getting her mother's permission.

The mother Than tells her that she has no brain and that I have no brain and that we are basically useless and hung up on her.

My wife is pissed and has once again said she is done talking with her mother but I know those words are eating her up inside and she's going to go back to her mother and get treated like shit more.

I wish I know how to help my wife without making my wife feel like it is more a tug of war between her mother and me. I try yelling, talking being supportive but something keeps her trapped here.

She once said her biggest fear is that her mother dies after one of these arguments and she will feel guilty that she hadn't done enough.

BUT her sister moved to Delaware. Her sister only comes in when she wants and she is coming in because mother-in-law has been having problems with her throat and neck --she's been a smoker and she will need surgery BUT then this woman hides most of the information from both wife and SIL "It isn't cancer but this needs done."

So this is preying on wife's mind and keeping her trap.

It may sound terrible to say and she feels guilty but wife has said several times. That she can't wait until her mother dies or her sister takes her so she can actually start a life.

This woman feels guilty that she has "Doomed me" to this kind of life. She said she was being selfish that she should have picked taking care of her mother and or getting married not being selfish to think she could do both. She always thought if we lived within 2 - 2 1/2 hours away from her mother things would work out. Of course that is impossible because than MIL thinks wife is abandoning her.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. Your wife is suffering from very low self-esteem at the very least.

She needs to get herself into the hands of a strong, competent therapist and find out why, and what she can do to stop it.

Your MIL is a monster.

I'd get away from her. Life is too damn short to put up with this shit.

[diabeticman]

2. I could if we could afford it.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

3. There are clinics where people are learning how to be therapists.

When they are near the end of their formal education, they have to provide therapy for a certain number of hours, and usually this is offered on a sliding scale.

Maybe there is such a place near you.

I was treated for my own problems in such a place, and my life was given back to me as a result.

[Lady Freedom Returns]

4. Peggy is right.

I had hell from my father when I moved in with my boyfriend, now husband. He made it where I had to chose between my family or Dave. I had to put my foot down, but it was hard for me. I highly recommend your wife to get help because situations like this hurts.

[MrsBrady]

20. +1

plus you can find real phd shrinks that do therapy...not just LPC's...
although LPC's are just fine too...but I prefer shrinks that do the therapy.
It's just my personal preference.

and many work on sliding scales if you don't have insurance.

I know...because I've been helped by them. You just need to get on the
phone and start making phone calls.

My 2 cents.

[nolabear]

13. I am a therapist, and Peggy is right on.

Look for a low fee clinic or an internship program. Everyone there isn't a raw recruit; some people are quite experienced and might be learning a new specialty. Don't knnow where you are but no reasonable therapist will just turn you away without trying to help you find some recourse. Look for information and don't be afraid of asking questions. We like to help.

[AverageJoe90]

18. I have had some S-E issues in the past, but nothing on this level.

I hope his wife can pull out of this one day. So sad to hear.

[merrily]

5. I am sorry that I don't know what good advice would be in this situation, but

I wanted to say, for whatever it is worth, that I am so sorry a bad situation exists.

Obviously, you and your wife need to keep supporting each other and building each other up, no matter what your MIL says or does. Beyond that, I can only send best wishes for a good resolution.

Just a personal story about what kids owe their parents:

My husband once said that people have kids for selfish reasons, not because they believe that life on this planet is so great that they want to give the baby the gift of life. Therefore, parents owe the baby, not the other way around. The baby owes them nothing.

If, later in life, the baby, now an adult, feels any sense of obligation for some reason, they should pay it forward, to their children, if they choose to have one. And, if not, to whatever good cause they choose.

That said, though, even as a teen, he saved his paychecks from his part time job as a supermarket checker to help his parents pay for an operation that his mother needed.

However, his mother thought the sun waited for him to wake up before it would shine and had always treated him fabulously, well beyond "room and board." IOW, his desire to help her was not simply because she birthed him.

Best wishes.

[mnhtnbb]

6. Breaking free from an abusive parent is very difficult.

If you can find a way to support your wife getting some therapy to help her with that process, go for it.

[Denninmi]

7. I heard a lot of this over the last 3 weeks.

It is hard, but your wife needs to learn how to stand up for herself. I struggle with family members who either disapprove or try to micromanage.

I would check out all avenues for low cost or free mental health services in your area.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

8. Well, I can see why your sister-in-law moved far away

The reason your MIL is such a bully is that your wife lets her be. Your wife has gone through a life-long form of brainwashing in which she believes that she is not worthy to be anything but a go-fer for her mother. That kind of brainwashing is hard to overcome, because it gets tied up with sentimental notions about parents and children.

I've seen a very sad case within my extended family of tyrannical parents who never let their youngest daughter have boyfriends or learn to drive, because they had designated her as their old age caregiver (Shades of Like Water for Chocolate!). I've seen other cases in which bullying parents were put in their place when it became clear that the adult child was not going to put up with their nonsense any further.

[noamnety]

9. You have some good advice here.

And I'm sorry your wife is in such a horrible situation.

I think it would help her a lot to have clear boundaries, and a set of fixed phrases she has rehearsed and can fall back on.

One clear set of boundaries I see is not taking abusive comments and not being treated like a child. The temptation is always to jump in and defend when someone gets personal (and I do that to, I should take some of my own advice!). But if you are dealing with family dynamics with someone that old it's unlikely you're going to change their actions through rational debate. It's like trying to argue with a teabagger.

So if the mom is saying "You should have gotten permission from me, you aren't smart enough to make such decisions ... blah blah blah" instead of arguing and pointing out that she is not a child who needs her mother's permission to get a job, your wife could take a page from DU and simply say "Thank you for your concern." Followed by "Well, it's been nice talking to you, I need to go now." And then follow through, give a chance for a quick goodbye. If it comes, hang up. If it doesn't come, hang up.

Just the process of not engaging, and being the one to stop the conversation, will help her feel like she's in control. If she can't get a word in edgewise in a one-ended abusive conversation, it's also okay for her to be the one to hang up or even lay the phone down and walk away. Sounds like her mother doesn't need her as an active participant in the conversation anyway, and after a few times of being abusive then realizing she's talking to dead air, she might get the hint. Your wife would have to be consistent for that to be effective.

If she's at her mom's house helping her, same thing. Walk away. Walk away in the middle of taking out the garbage or doing the chores. Simple "I'm done here" and leave, without mentally engaging in the fight. Let the mom call back and ask if she needs more help. But then repeat, if she goes back and the mom starts being an ass, walk out again. Your wife's self-esteem is never going to come from her mother's approval, but it might come from her ability to put herself back in control of that relationship.

So ... all that is what I would do, and you guys might come up with a different strategy. But the main thing I think is to have some sort of strategy of identifying what she is not willing to accept, and how she's going to follow through on not accepting it. Then she can avoid going through the mental struggle and torment of decision making of how to end the situation every time it comes up - she can just follow the plan.

[Raven]

10. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." Your SIL has

the right idea. I'm not suggesting that you move away but your wife should back off mom a bit. I had a somewhat similar problem with my mother. She was an angry woman and took it out on me and my brother. It took me a long time to realize that it was her problem, not mine. Your wife needs a lot of support and reassurance from you. Let her talk it out with you. Remind her that she's a wonderful woman and that the problem lies with her mother, not with her. Also, tell her that no matter what she does, she is NOT going to satisfy that woman or make her happy.

On edit: it's absence, not distance...

[HopeHoops]

11. I recommend lots of hugs, compliments, and back rubs. A nice bubble bath would be good too,...

... especially if you wash her back. Bonus points for using a loofah. If she drinks, a glass of merlot on the edge of the tub would also be nice.

Sometimes women just need to be pampered. It's amazing what that will accomplish in relaxation and attitude adjustment.

As for your mother-in-law, it sounds like a long-running and permanent situation. You're not likely to change that, so I say put the focus on making your wife feel appreciated and loved. If the "doomed" thing comes up again, just remind her that you knew what you were getting into and uttering "I do" was your commitment to "this kind of life".

Disclaimer: I've been with my lady since '84 and married 25 years. We've been through a lot together.

[diabeticman]

12. Thank you all for your support and advice.

[lunatica]

14. Here is a very helpful link so you can understand what a bully is (Your mother in law is one)

First you and your wife should read what's in the link so you can see how well your mother in law fits the description of what a bully is. I think it might help if you print it out so you can read it again in the future. This link really helped me realize and see who are the bullies in my life. Once you understand bullies it's much easier to recognize the behavior and do something about it. You'll both marvel at how well it describes your mother in law.

http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/bully.htm

Then get some help of some kind. Nowadays there are tons of information and help on the internet because of all the children who have literally been bullied to death in our society.

[laundry_queen]

15. Google 'daughters of narcissistic mothers'

Sounds like your wife has a narcissistic mother.

Even if she doesn't 100% fit the profile, a lot of the info you find when you google that will help you. Sounds like your MIL manipulates your wife with abuse, and then your wife feels guilty because our society says that you should be nice and care about your mother and your MIL will do everything in her power to take advantage of that.

Your wife could probably use some counselling as well, to regain some of her personal power with regards to your MIL. Be prepared for your MIL to blame you for 'breaking her and her daughter apart'. Seriously, once you read about NPD and daughters of mothers with NPD, the pattern is so predictable, you'll be amazed.

Take care. PM me if you have any questions.

[GreenPartyVoter]

21. +1

[kwassa]

16. Your mother-in-law only has the power your wife gives her.

The mother-in-law can't be abusive without your wife's cooperation.

Your wife owes her nothing. Nothing.

The healthiest thing might be to cut off all contact with MIL, both in phone and in person. I've known many who have had to do that with members of their family until their boundaries could be respected. Some have been cut off contact for a short time, some for years, some permanently, as far as I know.

I'm sure the MIL will use her health issues, real or quite probably imagined, to attempt to make your wife feel guilty and hooked into her, but your wife is not responsible for her health problems. Your wife is also not responsible for MIL's medical care.

I agree with the previous info in this thread, including therapy, as being very helpful. Reading also helps, if your wife is a reader. As some one pointed out, MIL is an abusive narcissist.

[mopinko]

17. no one can take advantage of you without your permission.

said dear abby. frequently.
blood may be thicker than waters, but it ain't iron chains. fuck her mother.

[MrsBrady]

19. I don't care if someone is family or stranger

they don't have a right to abuse someone else....
and allowing one's self to be abused is not acceptable to me.

What helped me in learning to deal with my own mother is that...
just because she calls....
doesn't mean i have to answer the phone.

some people I save their numbers and set the ring to silent so I don't know they are calling.
you can set up a pavlov type situation with abuse when they are calling.
stop answering the phone, and you can get some clarity. It works.

it also sounds like your wife needs some help with co-dependency.
I would try al-anon or codependence anonymous. both are free.

and you probably need some help to, because it's affecting you and
you are not really going to be able to help your wife stop accepting abuse.
She's going to have to do that for herself. I would go get some help for yourself
first so that you can find ways to 1) make sure YOU are ok and 2)that you are not also
enabling your wife to accept abuse in some way.

just my 2 cents. I don't claim to be an expert...but I have my own shit to deal with...and I've been in al-anon for years and have had honest to god trauma therapy
(EMDR http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessing
this helped me even more than talk therapy).
I'm doing ok today, but I know what needs to be done to break the cycle.
and I have to be vigilant about making sure I'm taking care of myself.

You and yours are going to have to do things differently for things to improve.
And you would have done them already if you knew what to do. You don't or you would
have been able to fix it already. Go get some help. I mean this in the most loving way I can imply.

take care

[Bryn]

22. Go to this link:

Agingcare.com where you and your wife will get plenty of advice and support.

Here's one of examples: (not mine)

Two years this July my mother has been living with me. She is a mean and hateful woman and I just can't do it anymore.

This person has 1724 replies

You will get great information, etc. as well. You didn't say age of your MIL, but this site has all info. you will need for when your MIL can no longer care for herself, where to find help, etc.

Kindred spirits out there! It has been a big help to me when I took care of my mother with Alz's disease for two and half years until she progressed. She's now in a great nursing home close to me.

It's also a great place for your wife to vent. There are many who are going through same thing you and your wife.

[nadine_mn]

23. My mom is extremely mentally abusive

and my grandparents (her parents) were like my real parents. My mom is a classic narcissist and has driven everyone away. Before my grandparents passed away a few years ago, my grandma asked me to look after my mom and I said I would. I am an only child. My father was physically abusive to me and I was able to cut all ties with him over 15 yrs ago. I am unable to do that with my mom because 1) my grandparents and 2) she would truly be alone.

I accept the fact that she is mentally ill and if she could do better she would. She will never change because she doesn't think anything is wrong.

I have been in some kind of therapy most of my life - court ordered as a child due to the severity of the abuse, voluntary off and on through college and now.

Even though I know my mom is destructive and her behavior has shredded any self-esteem I may have, I still have her in my life. And on a daily basis she says something hurts me.

It kills my husband... it really does. I don't want him to be angry at her and I don't want him to be angry at me. It's very hard on him because he loves me and hates to see me hurt.

The best thing a loved one can do in this situation is to be supportive, to love and not pass judgment. Our family ties are complicated and not easily broken. Do not yell at her or become angry. Help her find a support group, therapist or something. Help raise her self-esteem by letting her know she deserves better.

But mainly love her and do not judge her for keeping her mom in her life, instead help her find the strength to move on.