A question for anyone. Is it normal to feel very down on the first birthday of my father since his death? His Birthday

[debm55]

is the April 3. This was the first Easter without him. I would always make him deviled eggs everytime I went up to the house regardless of the occasion. He liked them with mustard, mayo and relish. My mother and sister didn't like them, but then they don;t like me either. I am sad.

[mercuryblues]

1. Very normal

And for many more to come.

Allow yourself to grieve and remember.

[debm55]

8. I took Dolly for a walk today and felt a burst of sorrow in my heart. I sat down at the bench at the bus stop and cried

I didn't feel this bad in Se[tember when he died, I felt he was free from being bedridden for 4 years and left alone by my evil family. The morning he died a white whisp went through my bedroom and then I got a call he had died.

[a kennedy]

9. You will find peace with his death.......it will be awhile.....but it will happen.

[debm55]

26. Thank you, a kennedy.

[soldierant]

55. So many people are

accurately saying this that I alomost didn't - but yes, it is a well known phenomenon. It kind of pains me that no one ever told you about it.But I would guess that it wasn't the kind of thing that yoour family wold discuss, from what you have said.

I would like to share a quote from Joe Biden - and he would know -

"I promise you, the time will come that what's going to happen is six months will go by and everybody is going to think, well, it's passed. But you are going to ride by that field or smell that fragrance or see that flashing image. You are going to feel like you did the day you got the news. But you know you are going to make it. The image of your dad, your husband, your friend. It crosses your mind and a smile comes to your lips before a tear to your eye. That's hwo you know. I promise you, I give you my word, I promise you, this I know. The day will come. That day will come."

[debm55]

58. Thank you Solderant. for your kind words. No, I was never told about it as I was on my life's Journey. All the extended

parents could do and say whatever and at the death of the person. Go all out in their grief.as it was with my family at the death of my dad. They treated him like shit while he was alive, But at the funeral gaslighted every one into the love they had for him. I have been called socially Inept. But they are hypocrites. we have gone no contact since i told them that I put a heart in my dad's coffin

[debm55]

25. Thank you, mercuryblues.

[Phoenix61]

2. Absolutely! Anniversaries are difficult, especially the first one.

I used to send my parents an Easter basket every year. My Dad had a sweet tooth that would have made a 4 year old proud. They’ve both been gone for several years but I sure did miss sending that Easter basket.

[debm55]

27. Thank you, Phoenix61

[Ocelot II]

3. Yes. Anniversaries can be tough, but it's normal.

[debm55]

28. Thank you, Ocelot II

[elleng]

4. Maybe it is, but I/we kind of celebrate it, 11/13, a big week in our family,

as my (deceased) husband was born 11/11, so w celebrate 'Veteran's Day' and THEN Dad's Birthday.

Be well!

[debm55]

29. Thank you elleng

[2naSalit]

5. Yes.

[debm55]

30. Thank you, 2naSalit.

[Frances]

6. It's definitely normal

My husband was on Hospice
There were people in my Hospice support group who had lost a loved more than a year previously. A support group is not for everyone, but it was helpful to me just knowing other people were in the same boat I was in
I hope that as the years ago by you can remember good times without the hurt the first year or two brings

[debm55]

31. Thank you, Frances.

[rsdsharp]

7. It's very normal, but it gets better with time.

Today is the 55th anniversary of my father’s passing. There was a long time when it was very raw, but today it’s fine, although I don’t do April Fools Day.

[debm55]

32. Thank you rsdsharp. sorry about your daddy's anniversary.

[snpsmom]

10. Hugs

I’m sorry you’re feeling so down, and for your loss. There really is no right or wrong way to grieve.

For what it’s worth, I find myself feeling out of sorts sometimes and then realize that it’s my dad’s birthday or the anniversary of his passing. My body reminds me, more than a decade later, even if I’m not consciously aware.

Something I heard that helped me is that our grief doesn’t get smaller, but our world gets larger around the grief.

Hoping you can find some comfort and peace.

[debm55]

33. Thank you snpsmom.

[electric_blue68]

66. I remember something like that phrase...

For me - joys in the present at some point will start gathering, and making a "buffer zone" so to speak around the grief.

[DaBronx]

11. Normal!

I applaud everyone’s sage advice and gentle
Comments. I would add that President Biden has excellent advice in this regard: that your tears will
One day change to a little
Smile given the hand of time.
I wish you strength and a flood of sweet
Memories.

[debm55]

35. Thank you so much, DaBronx.

[50 Shades Of Blue]

12. I'm so sorry, debm55! Another yes from me, too.

Your deviled eggs sound yummy - what a sweet memory that must be!

[debm55]

37. Thank you 50Shades of Blue.

[emulatorloo]

13. Yes Deb, it is very very normal.

Thinking of you, so sorry for your loss.

[debm55]

39. Thank you emalatorloo.

[vapor2]

14. I too lost my father in January

He would have been 91 March 10. Think about him everyday.

[debm55]

40. Thank you, vapor.

[mopinko]

15. not only normal, predictable.

i was a hospice volunteer for a few yrs. our counseling service was 13 mos, to get through the 1st anniversary.
happens to everyone.

[debm55]

41. Thank you mopinko

[Niagara]

16. It's important to remember ...we don't move on from grief, we move forward with grief.

I believe that grief is always with us no matter how many years has passed. I also believe that birthdays and holidays are the hardest for most surviving loved ones.


If you have to sit down and let it all out, do it ... Don't hold it in.

[debm55]

42. Thank you Niagara.

[Niagara]

52. You're welcome, Dearest Debbie.

[KarenS]

17. debm55, I am so very sorry for your loss.

My Father passed away 18 months ago,,,

I always like quotes to help me process my feelings, and to help put a little different perspective on them,,,
This one makes me smile:

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” A.A.Milne

I think he was very special to you and you to him.

[debm55]

43. thnk you, KarenS

[TygrBright]

18. Seems pretty normal to me. Grief happens in its own time and patterns. Stay open, stay strong. n/t

[debm55]

44. Thank you, TygrBright.

[LisaM]

19. No, and take care of yourself.

My father died in August of 2019. Of course, then there was COVID. Then there was my father's birthday, April 24th. I broke out in a raging case of shingles all over my face. I wouldn't have made any connection but the dermatologist asked me if I had had anything stressful or emotional and all of a sudden my eyes welled up with tears and I realized that my father's upcoming birthday had been a trigger.

[debm55]

45. Thank you LisaM

[electric_blue68]

67. Oh, dear! And understandable. Glad at least your dermatologist asked the right question!

[AmBlue]

20. It is totally normal.

Dear Deb,

I'm very sorry for your loss. Its so hard. I lost my Dad in 2017 and still think of him every single day. I also lost my 53yo brother and 50yo sister-in-law that same year, all three gone within 10 months time. Grief changes you and, like someone above said, you don't get over it, but rather you learn in your own way how to live despite the pain. Some days, like anniversaries and birthdays, amplify the loss and pain, and you will have little recourse other than to just sit with it, whatever that is for you. It's all okay.

The one thing I have held onto is that I know my Dad and brother and sis-in-law would all fervently wish for me to live every day I have with all the joy and curiosity and passion I can muster. I actually do feel their presence, urging and encouraging me. Especially my Dad. He was always my biggest fan, and I miss him with an intensity that is indescribable.

All that said, it does get easier. Time softens the pain, and their absence stops being a shock. But I expect to always grieve for them, and for the loss of the life I had before they left this Earth.

Go easy on yourself. You're not alone, and you will find your way through. Feel free to reach out privately if you ever feel the need.

[debm55]

46. Thank you AmBlue

[Delmette2.0]

21. It gets easier but never gone.

Sometimes things pile up. Ì

Few years back after my Mom died, I realized it was 30 days since she left us. The next day would have been my son's birthday, he to had passed.
On the third day it would have been my wedding. Anniversary but we were divorced and he had passed.

That was three days of grief. It will never happen again. I don't if that helps but healing can happen when you least expect it.

Sending healing thoughts and comfort.

[debm55]

47. Thank you Delmette2.0

[Prairie_Seagull]

22. For me, after my fathers passing,

the first year was hard. The pain was real, then in time I made not friends exactly more like acquaintance with it. For me it is like a prop in the background of a movie you love.

I believe you will get there for sure.

[debm55]

48. Thank you Prairie_Seagull

[AllaN01Bear]

23. very normal. my mom has been gone 25 years last december 21 i still get emotional around

her bday and dec 21

[debm55]

49. Thank you AllaN01Bear.

[malthaussen]

24. Totally normal. But why should you care?

You are who you are. You don't need to answer to anybody for how you feel.

Psychological fact: grief hits different people differently. It's no use trying to force yourself into a certain position on the bell-curve, you're allowed to be who you are.

-- Mal

[debm55]

50. Thank you Mal,

[debm55]

59. In truth, my feelings never mattered. That is why I asked.

[JT45242]

34. Part of the normal grieving process... lots of milestones

For my grandfather in law it wasn't his birthday it was the local town festival where he lived.

They had a Bullthistle Festival because legend has it that he and his buddies were complaining that ll the neighboring towns had things like a strawberry festival, corn festival, etc. and one of the guys said "The only thing that grows in this damn town are bullthistles." So they made a bullthistle festival. We always went up that week to visit and go to the festival. That hit me harder than other dates because that was always the weekend that we spent with him.

Allow yourself time and space to grieve.

Try to remember something pleasant -- it always helps me. When that first week in August rolls around when the festival is, I remember Grandpa Woody grinning as he would ask the boys if they wanted to help him mow the lawn. It was a special treat to sit on the riding mower with him and drive around in circles.

[debm55]

51. Thank youJT45242

[SARose]

36. Your year of firsts

“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”

― Jamie Anderson

It is hard. 🤗

[debm55]

53. Thank you SARose. That is beautiful

[Diamond_Dog]

38. I found that after I lost my dad

Grief would wash over me at odd times. I had to go to the ladies room at work and cry a few times.
My father and I didn’t have the best relationship and I felt guilty about that too. It will just take time and it’s different for everyone. Here’s a hug, Deb.

[debm55]

54. Thank you Diamond_Dog. I was in the same situation. But when we adopted my son, I saw a part of him that was very

loving and kind.

[csziggy]

56. I think any milestone date can be hard

I know last year February 2 hit me hard. It was my parents' wedding anniversary - ten years after my Dad died and five years after Mom passed. It would have been their 77th anniversary.

And then I had to euthanize one of my cats on that day. I was miserable, remembering how my Dad loved to celebrate their anniversary - though he complained about people making a big deal about Groundhog Day on HIS day, LOL.

I try to avoid thinking about their birthday - they had the same one, oddly enough, though they were born two years apart.

[debm55]

57. Thank you csziggy

[Elessar Zappa]

60. I imagine it's very normal.

I’m lucky in that I haven’t had any of my close family die yet (I’m 40) but I can only guess that I’d be inconsolable if one or the other of my parents died, especially on milestones like birthdays and holidays.

[debm55]

61. Ty Elessar Zappa.

[Rizen]

62. Yeah, holidays are hard.

My mom died 2 years ago. I still think about her not being there.

[debm55]

64. Christmas wasn't bad but Easter was terrrible and his birthday tomorrow.

[malaise]

63. Yes

[debm55]

65. Thank you malaise

[electric_blue68]

68. Yes, and you might have various different feelings at times...

It does get easier over time. My mom 16 yrs, dad ?13 yrs.

What Amblue said (which I forgot brb) ok ..
Amblue

"The one thing I have held onto is that I know my Dad and brother and sis-in-law would all fervently wish for me to live every day I have with all the joy and curiosity and passion I can muster."

When my mom turned 80 I figured she'd be around a few more years. She came from a long lived family most died early mid 90s.

She however had had better controlled by the early '70s asthma, got it when I was 5+ yrs old, tia's waaaaay later, and a freak thing that became the major factor in her death 23 yrs later.

So my mantra became "she wouldn't want me to be sad for too long". I said this practically every day for 5+ years.
It tore me apart but more so 6 wks later when I'd be going to visit her in the nursing home she was in. And now - I wasn't. Still, I didn't end up in the hospital bc of grief, so I know that self talk helped.
Oh, now, I still get sad, rarely very sad, but I've never been torn up again like the first 18 months or so.

If you did any special things together at home, or elsewhere they might catch you unawares so be forewarned.

My condolences, and a hug.

[debm55]

71. Ty electric _blue 68 Saturday I went to the refrigerator to get the eggs to boil. It hit me that there was no reason to

make those eggs anymore and I doubt I will. This morning I had a mass said for my Dad. I went.I felt better but I am getting the felling back of grief. Thank you for your beautiful post.

[electric_blue68]

73. Yw. All this will come, and go at various times. Good you had a Mass for him. One minute, one hour, one day at a time.

[Harker]

69. Without past joys there are no sorrows...

No todays, and no tomorrows.

May your sadness share space for loving memories.

[debm55]

70. Thank you, Harker.

[Harker]

72. ...