Looking for advice to the lovelorn.

[intheflow]

So... when my 49-year-old boyfriend gets tired, he reverts back to the emotional level of a 7-year-old tantrum-thrower. He picks fights with me. This past weekend he went from professing his undying love to being pissed that I had an upset tummy during a concert he'd long-anticipated going to (while we were at the concert) to weeping during the car ride home because he thought he was "losing me" (not that he told me that at that time, I had no idea why he went into a weeping fit until the next day). This roller-coaster ride was about 6 hours long after a long 48 hours prior to the episode.

This kind of mood-swingy behavior has ruined not only this concert but the couple vacations we've taken together. He absolutely cannot/will not see how his exhaustion plays into his behavior. I should say that he blames me for being moody and a killjoy. He is not physically or psychologically abusive, but it's emotionally draining for me to have to restrain myself from taking the bait and fighting back when I'm just as tired as he is.

The rest of the time we get along great. We're both homebodies so when we're on a regular schedule at home life is pretty harmonious. Still, I like to do things sometimes, go on vacations or to concerts, so this latest episode has given me considerable pause.

Other pertinent details: we've been together for a year, he comes from an emotionally abusive home and has been divorced three times already, and I live with him at his house. He's also on anti-depressants and ADD medication and works a physically exhausting job that pays well. I work at a cushy desk gig that's only 20 hours per week and doesn't pay enough to live on by myself.

So... anyone have any ideas/thoughts/coping strategies to offer me?

[seabeyond]

1. he almost sounds as if he needs those highs and lows.

i dont do weepy and dont know many that do, so i dont have any answers. but.... it seems most of your life with him is comfortable.

interesting to see what others say

[HopeHoops]

2. If he's on Adderall, that's often a problem with anti-depressants. Been there.

On Edit:

For a long time I was on Celexa and used Lamictal as a mood stabilizer. The LAST thing you need is to add a stimulant like Adderall to an anti-depressant. That's an ADHD drug, not an ADD drug. Have him get his ass back to the doctor to discuss his medications. Something doesn't seem right here.

For reference: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lamictal

[intheflow]

4. He has said his current doctor is a hack

and that he wants to find a new doctor. (Hack doctor is in a hick town where he used to live, still fairly close to here.) I don't know what his ADD med is, but he's on a generic prozac for the anti-depression. I would say he's definitely more ADHD than just ADD. Adderall sounds familiar, but I couldn't really say what he's on.

[Major Nikon]

8. Prozac is an excellent drug for depression

That being said it doesn't work for everyone. He is definitely exhibiting signs of depression that doesn't sound as if it's well controlled. His doctor is only going to be as good as the information he provides. If things aren't working, that's the feedback the doctor needs. It may also be helpful for you to visit with the doctor with him and provide a different perspective.

I highly encourage him to try cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). It can be taught by a therapist, or there's plenty of books, software, and online material. It basically trains the brain on how to recognize irrational thoughts and deal with them. It teaches you how to control your emotions, rather than you being controlled by them. I can be used either in lieu of or in addition to anti-depression drugs like prozac and it's very effective for many people.

[riderinthestorm]

3. Don't really have enough info to go on but it sounds like anything out of the routine is upsetting

him (and maybe even for both of you - tummy ache for you at the concert). If everything's fine when you are humming along at home, and the weird behavior only happens when you both get out of your comfort zone, there's probably some tensions burbling from both of you that's throwing off your usual harmony.

I also second the idea that he get his meds checked. I don't know any 49 year old men who weep like babies because their girlfriend didn't have a primo time at a concert. That sounds like a pharmaceutical problem.

[intheflow]

5. Thanks, rider.

I'll talk with him about his meds.

[Jeff In Milwaukee]

6. Blood Sugar?

Extreme swings in blood sugar can cause corresponding swings in mood and behavior. Just a thought.

[intheflow]

11. He does indeed have blood sugar issues.

But he's very proactive about it, always carries packets of gummies with him. He was as vigilant as ever on this particular day so I don't think that played into this episode. Good thought, though.

[Honeycombe8]

7. Like Judge Judy would say...if you're 49, you're not gonna change.

So he is what he is and how he is. Can you live with that? Can you live with trying to find a "coping strategy" for having a relationship with someone?

If so, I know of no coping strategy. You either take it, or you don't. Changing your reaction to his irrational behavior doesn't seem like a solution to me, but that's me. The problem is HIM and his behavior.

[Major Nikon]

9. People can and do change, even at 49.

If anything, the older you get the easier it is to change because emotions tend to attenuate with age. The key is that people have to recognize they need to change and they have to want to change. That's why many people just don't. If this guy is seeing a doctor and taking his meds, it sounds like he has both of those bases covered. He may just need more help than he's currently getting.

[Honeycombe8]

13. We agree to disagree. You can change and quit eating beef and superficial things.

But when your pushing 50, and you have character traits that have been there most of your life, that is part of who you are, and that doesn't change, IMO.

You can change certain superficial behaviors...exercise more, eat more veggies, wake up earlier, things like that. But control how you think and react? That is part of who you are. It can be improved, but not changed, IMO. Not at that age.

Everyone can improve.

As for his meds...he's a grown man, in total control of his meds and health care plan. His gf can't do a thing about it. If he hasn't been able to cope with his own problems by age 49, SHE won't be able to cope with them.

But that's me. If she loves him, and wants to live with someone with these kinds of problems who can't seem to handle his problems by himself, at middle age...it may be worth it to her. But to think that HER reaction being changed is all that is necessary is foolhardy. Nothing is her fault. The problem is not hers. She's buying into the meme that HER reaction can somehow change HIM. Sort of like him saying, "Look what you made me do!" if a man should hit a woman. You know, the old "she made me do it" thing. If only she would've done this, or not done that, then I wouldn't have hit her. It's her fault!

He is the way he is, IMO. He's not a bad person. He just has some issues. A mate will just have to decide, "can I live with that? Or not?"

[Major Nikon]

14. The symptoms she describes all appear to be related to depression

Depression is a treatable condition that can be cured in many people. Even if it can't be cured it can be mitigated through a variety of treatments that have proven efficacy. I lived with depression for 20 years, and now I have been depression free for the last 10. It absolutely involves changing the way you think and react by burning new neural pathways. It's the same mechanism that people use to learn new things. People don't loose that capability with age.

He definitely has to be strongly motivated to change, or it won't happen. You are correct in that she can't force change if he isn't highly motivated, but there are things she can do to help. My wife was tremendously helpful with my depression. She attended therapy with me and also learned the techniques needed to initiate change. She was able to help by recognizing when I would make an irrational reaction to something and queuing me to think about it differently.

[Flaxbee]

10. Everything in here so far sounds good. I'd also suggest maybe you find a therapist to talk to

every once in a while, just so you have someone to talk to about being on the receiving end of these episodes. It can't be easy. Not suggesting you need meds or anything, but just an impartial person whose job it is to listen to YOU.

[intheflow]

12. I was thinking that same thing last night.

Will look around and see if I can find anyone in the area who offers a sliding scale fee structure. Thanks - this is indeed an excellent coping strategy.