Federal Troops Tear-Gas Yankees Off Field So Trump Can Throw Out First Pitch

[smirkymonkey]

NEW YORK—Moving in formation across the first-base line as terrified players scrambled into the dugout, federal troops reportedly tear-gassed the New York Yankees off the field Friday so President Donald Trump could throw out the first pitch before their opening home game.

Sources confirmed that minutes before their contest against the Boston Red Sox was scheduled to begin, dozens of federal troops rushed onto the field and set upon the Yankees starters, pushing them into foul territory with riot shields and beating several of them—including Brett Gardner, Gio Urshela, and Gleyber Torres—with batons. Yankees players and coaches were heard to shout that they had no idea what was happening until they noticed a golf cart emerge from the bullpen with the president, who proceeded to stand on the mound and thank everyone for coming.

As the tear gas near the dugout dissipated, federal agents in full riot gear could be seen placing zip cuffs on the Yankees’ relievers and attempting to confiscate cameras from the TV crew filming the game. At press time, team sources had confirmed they had been unaware of the president’s planned attendance, while Trump posed for pictures holding a baseball before dropping it on the mound and walking away.

https://sports.theonion.com/federal-troops-tear-gas-yankees-off-field-so-trump-can-1844571417

[captain queeg]

1. The golf cart makes it sound that much more believable.

[burrowowl]

2. lol

[Layzeebeaver]

3. They failed to mention...

That the whitehouse admin handed to president a “softball” just prior.

Budum Tish!

[Gothmog]

4. I love good satire

[Coventina]

5. The Onion is a national treasure!