If I Had A Grand Excess Of Money

[The Magistrate]

I would survey to discover the locations of several thousand churches of the most serious god-bothering sort, and learn when their principal Sunday services either began or let out.

I would secure many thousands of blow-up sex dolls, in various shades.

These would be filled (by my minions) with helium.

At a coordinated signal, timed to coincide with arrival at or departure from these many churches, and at about the same time across a wide area, the batches of these dolls would be set free to rise, at some distance from the congregations, but well within their view.

I would expect great entertainment from the reactions....

[Snarkoleptic]

1. Some will run into the street thinking it's the rapture.

[The Magistrate]

2. That Would Be The Entertainment, Sir

There would be video....

[Snarkoleptic]

5. I would gladly donate to a gofundme for your project.

n/t

[2naSalit]

20. I'm pretty

darn poor but I would too!

So worth it!

[Harker]

3. Perhaps there's a grant available for

that sort of thing.

[The Magistrate]

4. That Had Never Occured To Me, Sir

Performance art may cover a multitude of sins....

[Harker]

6. I believe the cultural value should prove at least equal

to any number of nude adults riding tricycles in a circular path.

[The Magistrate]

11. Has That Been Done, Sir?

I confess I am not current with the latest creations of our present avant garde....

[Harker]

16. In the 1970s, if I recall correctly.

It had to have been a fad. A single instance, maybe.

The image immediately and regrettably appears before me whenever I hear the term 'performance art.'

I would benefit from broadening my awareness of the form.

[The Magistrate]

17. Excellent, Sir

Because the instant you suggested it, I was seized of the conviction it should be done, and several tricycles and naked adults is within my means. But since it has been done, any repetition would be too derivative for the artistique excellence a creative soul must strive for....

[Harker]

18. Or...

it's time has come again.

Kindly alert me should there be a reprise.

[The Magistrate]

19. I Certainly Would, Sir

And am in your debt.

[Harker]

21. Seeing me on a tricycle

would obliterate any sense of indebtedness, I assure you.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

7. I would just love to see that.

But you'd have to dress your sex dolls in modest clothing so the god-botherers would believe they were righteous people being taken up to heaven.

[The Magistrate]

8. It Seems A Common Belief, Ma'am

Among the 'rapture ready' that all earthly things are put aside, including clothing. Nakedness is what would likely be expected of ascending 'saints' called to heaven before the tribulations began....

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

10. But naked sex dolls are... different.

That might be a bit too much of a shock for some.

[The Magistrate]

15. At The Distance, Ma'am

The 'naughty bits' would not really be apparent, only a general impression of saintly nudity would be conveyed at a couple hundred yards or so.

[Just_Vote_Dem]

24. Nah, Bible-Thumpers tend to be secretly more pervy than the general public

[The Magistrate]

27. Data On Searches For Pornography, Sir

Both by location of origin, and by object of search, seem to bear that out....

"When correctly viewed, everything is lewd."

[dweller]

9. a box of cheap

non drawstring trash bags with holes for head and arms would work
🤔

✌🏼

[The Magistrate]

13. Perhaps, Sir

But a thing like this is worth doing well, were it done at all.

Blow-up dolls.

Bright, eye-catching pink-peach naked blow-up dolls....

[dweller]

12. be sure to include

1 baby trump balloon ...
😁

✌🏼

[The Magistrate]

14. A Good Idea, Sir

But it might harm the overall effect. We wouldn't want to remind them of the possibility of balloons. Someone in the parking lots might be made to think by it, and so question the carefully crafted spectacle.

[2naSalit]

22. What a wonderful idea!

I sight I would relish, for certain.

[The Magistrate]

23. Doubtless It Would Catch Many, Sir, For At Least A Few Moments

"Children make the best opponents at Scrabble, as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat."

[2naSalit]

31. A few moments to savor forever!

You made me laugh with that quote, sir...

I just related a tale, days ago, regarding my early childhood afternoons spent with my grandmother, a Scrabble champion of note. Obviously the quote fits her philosophy regarding our games which commenced around the time I was about four.

I must give her kudos though as English was not her first language and she never arranged the tiles on the tray while constructing game-breaker scoring words. It was amazing to watch once I learned how to actually play. She rarely had a score below 300 that I can recall.

[The Magistrate]

32. You May Not Credit This, Sir

But I am no good at that game at all.

[2naSalit]

35. To be honest, I haven't played in quite some time.

I do credit those days with fortification of my spelling abilities. I think it's a great game for dyslexic people, it did wonders for me at the time.

I know that it isn't an appealing pastime for many. If I'm bored, I would consider playing it all by myself if there was nothing else to do.

[Midnightwalk]

25. Set up a gofundme thing

I’d chip in.

My request would be to arrange some of them is various friendly and unconventional configurations.

Purely for inspirational purposes. The rapture is a beautiful thing but it would be reassuring to know there was still uh companionship.

How fast can you get ready? Sounds like Easter Sunday is supposed to be special this year.

[The Magistrate]

26. You Know, It Does Seem To Be Catching Fire, Sir

There must be many all in a dither of joy over these fresh signs the End is nigh, plagues in particular, and actively expecting, even praying, for their due as saved souls....

[gladium et scutum]

28. Would You Choose

A white or a black congregation for your display of religious disdain. Each Sunday around where I live, it seems to be pretty much equal as who has the fullest churches? Both groups of folks seem to be pretty much serious god-bothering sorts.

[The Magistrate]

29. Choice Would Depend, Sir

On where End Times was preached more fervently. To the best of my knowledge, this particular heresy afflicts black churches less than white ones. But the race of the congregation would not of itself be a factor in choosing locations....

[gladium et scutum]

30. The Black Churches

I have had occasion to attended preach the end of time as fervently as the white ones. They preach the wages of sin, they preach the second coming. Would that qualify them for your childish prank. They also, for the most part, vote a straight Democratic ticket at election times.

[The Magistrate]

33. Any Among The 'Rapture Ready' Would Be My Lawful Prey

Mere Second Coming is not sufficient to qualify, the whole hog of bodily ascension, such as old van Impe teaches (or taught, it has been a while since I bothered to view his comedy stylings) would have to be present in the preaching.



"Jesus is coming! Look busy...."

[gladium et scutum]

34. So you would have no problem

doing your childish stunt to a black church, because they do not believe like you.

[The Magistrate]

36. You're Serious, Aren't You, Sir

Good Lord!

This is the Lounge, for heaven's sake.

Go somewhere else if you are looking for a fight, and steer clear of theology for its subject.

"It is hard to see why an omnipotent deity needs assistance from state legislatures."

[gladium et scutum]

37. Sorry

somehow though folks with money to blow on this site, would choose feeding the poor, helping the homeless, or maybe donating to a favorite office candidate. My bad.

[The Magistrate]

38. Well, You Ought To Be, Sir

"You can't fight here! This is the War Room!"

[lamp_shade]

39. kick for visibility

[KY_EnviroGuy]

40. Congregations would be OK with it so long as the dolls fill their collection plate.

There's a special 800-number for wayward dolls to call for corrective prayer.

KY.............

[DFW]

41. It would be interpreted by some as a sign from above

And, of course, as justification to exhort the "faithful" to contribute doubly in the future.

After all, their deity takes not the form of a golden calf, but rather a golden kilo bar, stamped .9999, and with the Crédit Suisse logo

[The Magistrate]

42. There Might Be A Moment Of Horrid Doubt, Sir

A realization they were not themselves the saved saints they imagine. That would be helpful, it seems to me. You are correct, certainly, about what is actually worshiped by many of their preachers.


"For two thousand years evangelicals have been warning against the coming of the Anti-Christ, and when he finally shows up, they vote for him."

[DFW]

43. They do have a tendency to let the cat out of the bag

When one of them claimed that the Almighty intended for him to have a private plane, and the financing was not instantly forthcoming from celestial sources, he demanded that his flock make up the shortfall.

Lest we doubt the existence of miracles, by the way, it seems they did just that.

[The Magistrate]

44. In A Well Regulated Polity, Sir

That sort of thing would be prosecuted as fraud. Theft by deception has nothing to do with religion, and these preachers state directly that a donation to their pockets will be repaid with a ten-fold return. Find a few people who did not receive a thousand dollars subsequent to sowing their hundred dollar 'seed', and impanel a jury....

[DFW]

45. "Well regulated"--and there lies the rub

Commercial religion is alas no more regulated in the United States than the amount of water in an ocean. The impaneled jury would meet Godot before they would receive an indictment to act upon.

[The Magistrate]

46. True Enough, Sir

Not establishing a state church may have been the worst mistake the Founders made with our Constitution. Countries which have done so have found, in many instances, that people come to regard religion as a mere formality, with overtones of bureaucratic bother and muddle of the sort people mean when complaining of a state's Department of Motor Vehicles. So it loses its power over minds much more readily. Here, it has been able to establish itself as a sort of alternative authority to government, and is barely touched by law, and not at all by taxation.

[DFW]

47. I give the founding fathers a pass on that one

They came from a Europe where religion was a heavily politicized institution, able to repress, and, in more than one instance, instigate wars in the name of the local clergy, or, in the cases of cleverer machinations, hiding behind the sovereign whose portrait was on the local ducats, always with the obligatory "DG," i.e. dei gratia, behind his or her name.

They Continental Congress wanted to give religion no chance to oppress the citizenry of their new nation. That mass brainwashing, via a complacent/complicit media, could rise to the level of oppression never occurred to them. Never in their wildest nightmares would the likes of Osteen, Falwell, Reed or Graham ever figure out a way to amass sufficient power and wealth to circumvent their "shall make no law" phrase enshrined in the Bill of Rights.

[The Magistrate]

48. I Agree, Sir, It Was A Mistake Made With The Best Intentions

And in circumstances wherein it certainly had the appearance of being a great advance over the common order of Europe. If recollection serves, the Inquisition still operated in Spain at the time, and would for some years to come, though hardly in its high old sixteenth century style. By law a Catholic still cannot hold the throne of England. And I do not think the consequences which have proved their decision a mistake were forseeable by those gentlemen in their time. Still, it was a mistake....