Hosting Christmas and freaking out -- stranger invited without me being told

[moriah]

Okay, so our situation is fun. aka not.

My mom recently retired, and today is her birthday. I am living with her to ensure the mortgage gets paid. We both have physical limitations so our house is full of stuff we can't haul away or get moved out into correct places. It's hard to keep clean.

We both have mental limitations too. I've been incredibly depressed. Plus I have anxiety, PTSD, and a crapton of other dxes, but essentially I have a hard time with strangers. Especially strangers judging me and my house.

We only have seating for five, barely. With family including me, it was already going to be six. Mom asked for someone else to host this year, and nobody spoke up, so she said she would. Even though it's her birthday and the last thing she wants to do on her birthday is stress out hosting people. So I should have been the one to step up and ensure the place was presentable, for family.

Someone who meant the world to me and many others (though not in my family) died on the 21st. I'm still processing. I'm a wreck mentally, and it's winter so the physical sucks too. I haven't been able to do my part.

And then yesterday, as I was trying to panic and clean and get stuff done to the point where I wouldn't be embarased to have family here.... I learn that one of the guests invited a friend, a stranger, and asked Mom for permission after inviting her already. So Mom said yes.

And nobody told me.

Now I've got 4 hours until a house that can't seat family is invaded by not just family, who I like, but a stranger, who may be great and I get not wanting a person to be alone on Christmas, without enough room for people to sit without utilizing barstools, with non-trash junk cluttering the place... and I can't stop crying.

I would seriously run to my Jewish friends who had me teach them how to use the new-to-them phones how to add appointments by adding "Latkes and Lo Mein" for today -- they live just down the street -- if I wouldn't offend people potentially more by being absent on Christmas, and if I would be decent company even with them. But that would be more rude than pretending to be contagious to the stranger and hiding in my bedroom, which seems to be my only option to avoid embarrassing myself in front of this stranger, yet may still fail.

Judge me if you will, it's okay, I'm judging myself harshly enough.

But ... seriously... I'm dreading this.

[Joinfortmill]

1. Wow

I'd be stressed, too. If you can, have a glass of wine or two. As for the stranger, not much you can do. Could go two ways: One, you meet your next best friend or two, you never see the person again. Offer it up or, put another way, let it go. Wishing you all good things.

[tblue37]

2. I understand. I have physical limitations, too, and can't keep my place in order without help.

The friend I pay to help hasn't been here since late August, because she always has something else to do. My apartment is a mess.

I also am very introverted and don't like having to interact with complete strangers.

I would be very upset if this happened to me. I avoid such things happening to me by simply opting out of holidays. I stopped doing Christmas as soon as my kids grew up.

[dem4decades]

3. It's Christmas, if someone is coming over they have no other place to go.

No one will be judgmental and all will enjoy the company. Try to relax and let the day bring you a pleasant surprise.

Good luck.

[moriah]

5. That's what I'm trying to tell myself.

I'm far more triggered by the "less than 24 hours notice" thing regarding them coming, than a person not wanting one of their friends to be alone on such a day in our culture.

Even if the holidays don't mean much to me -- the *only* reason this day is special to me is that it's my mom's birthday -- I know it means a lot to others.

[dem4decades]

12. Cheer up, I have to see my Trump loving brother in law today. He's an idiot.

[moriah]

14. I have to see my "all parties are the same", "Libertarian" BIL.

And my sister, who USED to be a Democrat, has been influenced by his views. So neither vote for Democrats, and throw their votes away.

I do feel for you, though. Hearing Drumph's voice is triggering enough, praying for the courage to not call his worshippers idiots to their faces at family gatherings is not something I envy you.

[bottomofthehill]

4. So sorry that this holiday brings such anxiety

I grew up in a house where my mother would be gripped by panic attacks around the holidays and it made for some interesting times. I know this is difficult, but I am betting that the person who is alone on the holiday will be so happy to be included in any celebration of the day that there will be no judging. As much fear as this is bringing you, the sadness of being alone for the holidays is also awful.

It may make your holiday uncomfortable now and until the day is over, but when you look back, hopefully you will have made a lonely person happy at the Holidays and I hope that brings some joy and relief to you.

I am sorry for the anxiety this brings to you, but opening your home to a lonely stranger ( I have been alone for a few) is an act of kindness that will hopefully bring you joy when you look back at it.

Merry Christmas

[moriah]

8. Thanks for understanding the panic attack going on.

That's exactly what it is, I know it.

It's not that I resent someone who is alone and lonely feeling good. I've been alone on many holidays, or worked them, but because of my issues it's been more of a relief than a cause of loneliness. Still, loneliness is terrible. It's not that.

I just wish someone had told me. Apparently the invitation/permission was't granted last minute or anything -- it was just me being told at the last minute.

It may not have made a difference in the house or in my grief, but it might have made a huge difference as to my current inability to stop streaming tears from my eyes to have known *sooner* that this was happening and wrap my brain around it.

[Raven]

6. The stranger will be grateful to have a place to go on this day. If

your place needs some straightening out, put your family to work for their dinner. Remember that the family we celebrate today lived in a manger.

[Harker]

7. One is only a stranger until you meet them. n/t

[delisen]

9. You are making "room at the inn." -and it is a beautiful thing.

The gift you are giving is the gift of hospitality. It doesn't have much to do with housekeeping, spaciousness, or elaborate preparations-we can get this type of hospitality at a commercial establishment such as a hotel chain and it may or may not be genuine-depending on the values of the corporation.

Hospitality is the sharing of yourself and whatever you have with others, and with this stranger.

Now is a time when hospitality matters very much.

I can tell from what you have written that you have much to share-lots of thinking and kindness, and emotions, and caring, and honesty, and openness and wondering.

You have that goodness and you will let it flow.

[blueinredohio]

10. The most seating around my table is 8 if everyone "squeezes" in.

I had 16 for Thanksgiving. Everyone fixes a plate and finds a place to dit and eat. It's not about being presentable it's about enjoying each other's company. If I have enough food, the more the merrier.

[Kali]

11. I would totally cancel and suggest any nearby restaurant that was open.

if people can't be understanding that you are overwhelmed, fuck them.

[WhiteTara]

13. I'm so sorry about your dear friend

I know you are in mourning for them.
Om Mani Padme Hum
May s/he have swift passage into the light with a fortunate rebirth.

As you meet the new friend, simply say, welcome and don't judge, so I don't have to judge you.

It's your home. You live as you can and do. Just smile.

I understand depression and how it can take a toll. And death makes everything surreal. Maybe this is an angel coming into your life to give you new hope and help. If they look strong, ask them to move a or two piece of furniture, as "a birthday gift to your mom." Maybe the whole crew will get in the spirit and move your stuff around in a good way.

Big hugs and lots of kisses. You can do this.

[moriah]

15. Thanks for the well-wishes.

I just learned, and apparently so did my sister, that her niece (the person inviting guests) actually invited TWO guests, not one. One hour until everyone is supposed to get here.

As far as "angels in disguise", perhaps. We'll see. The niece inviting people has never lifted a hand and there were promises made last year that an electrician would help us get wiring in place for the gift we gave my mother for her birthday last Christmas, and it still hasn't happened. I'm not anticipating anything.

Yes, I'm a grinch I guess. I feel bad for people who don't have a place to go for Christmas.

But if you have friends who don't have a place to go, couldn't you at least invite them to YOUR place, not someone else's?

And at least give notice? Or consider the fact that you're inviting them to someone else's house, where neither of the people who live are physically or mentally well, especially on one of their birthdays, and instead offer to host yourself?

[intrepidity]

17. This is some serious-level dysfunction

I don't care what day it is, the niece who invited *two* stranger-guests to a home, where the residents are clearly challenged to entertain even a few family members, is not only out-of-line and incredibly inconsiderate, but the sister who enables it is equally culpable.

Blows my mind how un-self-aware some people can be.

Moriah, I totally sympathize with you, and your feelings about this are not unreasonable.

It will be interesting to hear how this turned out; if the niece demonstrates any awareness or does anything to mitigate the intrusion, such as being extra helpful to manage the festivities, or to clean up after, or whatever.

smdh...

[OregonBlue]

16. Please let us know how it turns out.

[moriah]

18. Well the niece got flaming drunk and so did her two guests.

They have now walked down our street towards the neighborhood park with open containers in hand.

Let's hope nobody gets arrested.

I finally used the excuse of 'food made me sleepy' and have retreated to bedroom.

[cwydro]

19. Ugh.

That sounds awful.

But at least it’s over for you now.

[lunatica]

20. I get how you feel

I’m glad it’s over

[delisen]

21. Hail to you Moriah! You made room at the inn for us nd I love you for it.

Peace be with you as we enter this most challenging of New Year.