Heard any good "walks into a bar" jokes lately?

[red dog 1]

Last edited Sun Jun 23, 2019, 01:04 PM - Edit history (1)

Here are two oldies but goodies:

1) A Canadian, a Texan, and a Tea Bagger walk into a bar, and the bartender says:
"Nice to see you again, Senator Cruz."


2) (From a DUer)
A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartender starts pouring and the guy drinks them all as fast as he can.
The bartender says: "Wow! You sure downed those fast!"
The guy replies: "You'd be drinking fast too if you had what I have"
Bartender asks: "What do you have?"
The guy replies: "75 cents"

[tymorial]

1. A man walks into a bar

He had a wicked bruise afterwards.

[RKP5637]

2. OMG!

[Ohiogal]

3. A set of jumper cables walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

[FiveGoodMen]

4. Rene Descartes walks into a bar and the bartender offers him a beer

He considers for a moment, says "I think not" ... and promptly disappears.

[Paladin]

5. Kellyanne Conway walks into a bar.

The bartender takes one look at her and asks, "Why the long face?"





(Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I'll be here all week.)

[customerserviceguy]

6. A baby seal walks into a bar

The bartender says, "What'll it be?"

The baby seal answers, "Anything but Canadian Club!"

(no actual seals were killed in the telling of this joke, but a few did have their feelings hurt)

[hunter]

7. The shorter version is, "A baby seal walks into a club..."

Dead air.

People who accuse me of being cynical have never met my family.

[ProudLib72]

8. If the Rump walked into a bar...

A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink, but the bartender yells at him to get out before he stinks up the place. The mushroom looks taken aback and says, “Why? I’m a fun guy.”

[Lochloosa]

9. A three legged dog walks into a saloon,

his spurs clinking as he walks, his six-shooter slapping at his furry hip. He bellies up to the bar, stares down the bartender, and proclaims, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

[red dog 1]

10. An oldie but a goody!

[smirkymonkey]

17. *snicker*

Good one!

[Alpeduez21]

11. Two lawyers walk into a bar

You figure the second on would've seen it.

[red dog 1]

15. What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common?

Both have a one in 300 million chance of becoming a human being.

[NightWatcher]

12. A pirate walks into a bar with a huge ship's wheel on his johnson

Bartender says, "do you know that there's a giant steering wheel on your schlong"?

Pirate says "yar, I know, it's driving me nuts"

[LuckyCharms]

13. A pony walks into a bar

and takes a seat on a stool.

Bartender holds his finger up and says...ahhhhh....just one second, I'll be right back.

Bartender runs back into the kitchen and yells at the staff...HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS! COME OUT AND SEE THIS! THERE'S A PONY SITTING AT THE BAR, AND HE'S HUNG LIKE A FREAKIN' HORSE!!

[LuckyCharms]

14. A grasshopper walks into a bar

and takes a seat on a bar stool.

Bartender says...Hey! We have a drink named after you!

Grasshopper says...You have a drink named Larry?

[smirkymonkey]

16. That 2nd joke was hilarious!

I actually LOL'd. I'm saving that one for future reference!

[jmowreader]

18. I shouldn't tell the one about the 6-year-old kid who walked into a bar

The best "walked into a bar" joke I've seen recently is Ann Telnaes' cartoon, which was the lead cartoon in one of last week's collections.

[Beringia]

19. The Bear and the Octopus bar joke from movie Two Lovers and a Bear

- OK, I have a joke for you. Two lovers and a bear walk into a bar, and the lovers are carrying an octopus with them.
They set the octopus down on the seat next to them, and the bear sits down next to the octopus. And the lovers say; "This is a really special octopus, "because he can play any instrument on the planet "better than anyone." The bear's like; "Bullshit!" So, he goes to the back of the bar, and he grabs the guitar that's back there. And the octopus looks at it, and he plays it better than anybody's ever played the guitar before. So the bear's like; "All right, fine." Oh my God! - So, then the bear's like; "All right, I got ya." He goes over, and he grabs, um... the spoons that are at the back of the bar. He gives it to the octopus, and the octopus takes it in his 8 arms and, like... plays it better than any spoon player. - Wow! - Yeah. - Better than Mississippi Sam? So, then... So, then the bear's getting really pissed off at this point, so he goes over and grabs the instrument, the bagpipes, and the octopus kind of looks at them and is like, "OK," and, like, grabs them, and, like, fumbling with them, son of, like, not quite sure, and then just gives up and puts them down. And the bear goes; "Ha! I knew you couldn't play it." And then the octopus goes; "Play it? I was gonna... "I was gonna fuck it as soon as I pulled the pajamas off of it."

Read more: https://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/movie_script.php?movie=two-lovers-and-a-bear

[Floyd R. Turbo]

20. A blind man walks into a bar,

a pool table, and a hat rack!