What to do about an abusive co-worker?

[smirkymonkey]

I have this co-worker who has always been a control-freak and a bully. Fortunately I only work on her w/ one project and our "Culture Team" and she has always been unbearable, but today we really got into it via email.

We have a co-worker who is leaving so she asked the managers and myself what to do for her and made a (stupid) suggestion. We all politely rejected her idea and aligned on something else. She came back to us saying that she was going to do "her stupid idea" anyway and insisted that everyone was going to go along w/ it. End of story on her part.

I was really shocked at how rude and dictator-esque she sounded and also by the fact that she completely ignored our input and decided on her own what the entire team was going to do because she wanted it that way.

I sent her an email telling her that it was rude of her to ignore our wishes and if she wanted to go ahead w/ it that she could go ahead and execute it on her own, and that we would do our own thing. She blew up in a rage and said "fine, you guys handle it, I'm out" and then came after me wanting to "talk about it". I have had experience w/ her before and her idea of "talking about it" is her taking you into a room and freaking out on you in a rage about how she is right and you are wrong. I told her I did not want to talk about it. FYI, she is not my manager, and even though she is senior to me, my manager doesn't like her either. She is always fighting w/ someone.

Anyway, she insisted that we DO talk about it after I told her there was nothing to discuss and I haven't answered her. I refuse to engage w/ her because she is abusive and basically a raging narcissist. I know exactly what she will do. She has already taken credit for much of my work shamelessly, and has no qualms about calling everyone on the team stupid when she is probably the dumbest person we have. There is no such thing as a rational conversation with her.

So, what would you do? I want to just ignore her, but I am a little afraid of her because she is such a hot-head. I have a meeting w/ my manager tomorrow afternoon and I can tell him about the situation just to give him a heads up. I know he doesn't like her because he has said things about her in previous meetings. I just don't want to deal with her and I am afraid to face her again in person.

[Sherman A1]

1. Two things

1). Ignore her
2). Document everything.

[smirkymonkey]

4. I am.

She is pretty psycho. She kind of scares me. I don't want anything to do w/ her and she wants to engage.

[Sherman A1]

6. If you have to be anywhere near her

Be sure you are never alone and as mentioned document everything and keep a copy offsite.

If you have a Union notify your representative.

[smirkymonkey]

10. No Union, but HR and co-workers who have been cc'd on the entire message thread who

think she is out of her mind.

[Sherman A1]

17. All good

Remember that HR is not necessarily your friend. They may have similar short term goals to you in a given situation but ultimately they are there to protect the company and not the employees.

I was always happy to be in a Union Shop for my working years, rarely needed them as I normally just took care of things on my own (looking down over the tops of my glassed usually did the trick) but it was always nice to know that I had representation.

[mercuryblues]

26. every time she comes near you, put your phone on record.

[mahatmakanejeeves]

2. Well, Kellyanne, what I would do is.... NT

[smirkymonkey]

3. Damn!

You found me out! That damn SHS is just so transparent.

[VarryOn]

5. Write her off the best you can...

Last edited Thu Mar 21, 2019, 05:32 PM - Edit history (1)

Chances are everyone else knows how she is.

Fortunately, in the long run, a person has to be a team player. If people don’t like working with you, you’re toast. People in authority will ultimately have to act.

I’ll take a team player who’s a joy to work with on anyday over someone who maybe more intelligent or with whom I might agree, but who’s an a-hole.

[smirkymonkey]

7. She has pretty much attacked almost everyone on the team.

I think our boss sees right through her as he never listens to her complaints. There are very few people who get along with her. I have been able to put up w/ her until recently, but lately she has become unbearable

Thanks for the advice!

[trueblue2007]

16. Why hasn't she been fired by now. She is a terrorist sounds like to me.

[smirkymonkey]

20. She has tenure and she is fairly good at what she does.

However, I think she is pushing it. I am not so sure she is going to be around for much longer. She has just burned too many bridges.

[KPN]

8. Sounds like a tough situation. Having spent

most of my federal career supervising and managing people/teams/workforce, I would definitely keep my own manager in the loop and up/to-date on the situation as a first step. Ask for your manager’s advice and expectations on handling the situation. Make sure you express your reluctance to meet with the individual alone for the reason you described above. Assure your manager that you will continue to communicate with the individual as needed to accomplish and coordinate work. You might think about your willingness and any concerns you might have about participating in a professionally facilitated meeting with the individual to resolve issues/conflict in case your manager suggests that. .... The main thing — keep your manager informed. Oh, and document everything.

[smirkymonkey]

13. I will definitely keep my manager informed.

As I have said, he is on to her and doesn't like her. She tries to get everyone in trouble and he sees right through her. I have a feeling that she will be moving on soon and I hope so. I am going to ask him for advice on how to deal with her. I also have all her emails documented. They pretty much speak for themselves.

Thank you!

[gibraltar72]

9. I suggest shooting her. But that's just me.

[smirkymonkey]

14. *snort*

You know, that was my first thought! We think alike.

[Mr Tibbs]

11. A girl I work with pulled that on me

After doing the same thing to another co-worker. I just documented everything and emailed it to HR / the shelter director. You got to cover your ass

[smirkymonkey]

15. Yes, I will. Finally, I am going to stick up for my self. I am tired of people like this and

I will not allow them to abuse me any more. I have finally learned how to recognize them and avoid them. I will NOT let her get me into a room alone with her. She will tear me to shreds.

[Socal31]

12. Hi smirkymonkey!

I am sorry you are dealing with an uncomfortable work situation. My advice is based off of my experience as a top-level Operations manager in a standard US-based corporate structure. You made the right move by venting here, instead of at the office.

Based off of your post, I would be bringing your direct supervisors in to determine how the friction could get to this point without them stepping in for you. If I had to guess, at least one of you is BCCing a manager on those escalating emails, so they are aware there is an issue on the floor. But I digress.

Once a conflict reaches this point, all you should do is exactly what you are doing: break direct contact with the other party, review your employee handbook, and meet with your manager/HR to seek a resolution.

I am sure you know this already, but as a reminder, try to stick to a factual narrative, without attacking the other party in a personal matter. Avoid using language that makes it difficult to weigh your statements as credibly as they should be. That being said, you have a right to feel comfortable and safe at your workplace.


Good luck!

[smirkymonkey]

18. Thanks Socal31!

I have been very rational and unemotional in my correspondence with her. I have now broken contact. I will discuss w/ my manager tomorrow when I meet w/ him and if necessary, we can get HR involved (she has pulled things like this before where she will pull people into a room and just go to town on them - not even her reports - just people she has issues with).

My email chain is pretty dispassionate. I just keep telling her to go back and read her email and ask her if she can understand why it might be offensive to us. I don't accuse her of anything except for being rude and dismissive. She will not cop to anything. She is incapable of admitting that she made a mistake. Kind of reminds me of someone.

Thank you for your advice!

[AJT]

19. I was wondering why her boss hasn't already stepped in.

This woman is not her boss and should not be speaking to his team with such disrespect. He needs to deal with her and stand up for his team.

[smirkymonkey]

21. She is on his radar. She kind of has two bosses. The one on our team who doesn't like her and

the one at headquarters who does (who does not observe her daily behavior). The boss on our team is not going to give her a good review so she may just decide to move on. I think he is going to have a talk w/ her sooner or later because there have been so many complaints.

[cyclonefence]

22. Just to be clear

this is about a farewell party?

I'd walk away. Do you have to be involved? Forget it and move on, sez I.

[smirkymonkey]

23. Well, it's kind of stupid. We have a "Culture Team" on our team and there are about 10 of us on

it, but she thinks she is the Queen Bee, even though there are no positions - everyone is equal. We take care of all the social things on the team, but whatever we do, she steps in, takes credit for and controls every aspect of, even when the rest of us have done all the work. She NEEDS to be special.

I am thinking of resigning, just so that I don't have to deal with her anymore, but there is a rumor that she may be toast in a few months too, so I may wait it out. Everyone else is great.

[cyclonefence]

30. Are you a fan of The Office?

Remember the power struggles over the Party Committee? This one sounds like she's Angela.

Honestly, I don't think this is worth your getting upset over. She's a horrible person, and it sounds like everyone knows it. I'd go ahead and resign from the committee, and then if/when she is gone, sign up again. You don't need this kind of agita. Nobody does.

[smirkymonkey]

31. I think I would be, but I have never seen it.

I am definitely thinking of resigning from this committee, but I think she is out in the next few months anyway. I am so dreading going into to work tomorrow. She is just bat-shit crazy. I can just imagine what she will do when I refuse to go have "a talk" with her.

[cyclonefence]

36. My father advised me

that when I was talking to a crazy person to say "Well, you're probably right" and leave.

Good luck tomorrow!

[smirkymonkey]

38. Thanks cyclone fence!

Good advice!

[hibbing]

24. Interesting post and thread

I worked with someone who was a total slacker and none of management cared because she was close to retirement (for 5 years). My style was super passive aggressive. I wish you the best of luck.


Peace

[ProudLib72]

25. Hey SM, I'm a little confused

Did the woman who is leaving make the stupid suggestion, or did the nasty woman make the suggestion?

FWIW I think there are two ways to approach this. 1) Do absolutely nothing if you think she will be gone in a couple months anyway. That way you don't risk making any waves. It sounds like your manager already hates her and knows the score. I realize it's frustrating that it doesn't seem like anything is being done about her, but you don't know. She might already be on double secret probation! 2) Politely and calmly address this with your manager. The pro side would be that it could speed up the process of getting rid of her. The con side would be that it could create waves. Maybe if you did it in an informal manner like, "What do you think of Bella blowing up like that?" you could learn more about how your manager is handling the situation.

Good luck!

[smirkymonkey]

32. The nasty woman made the stupid suggestion.

The woman who is leaving is clueless about the situation. The rest of us just wanted to do something nice for her and the psycho thought she knew better and came up with this really idiotic idea which we all (politely) told her was not a good one.

I think I may just give my boss a heads up about what is going on so he is aware. I am sure he will take our side since it's three against one. She was just completely out of line and I know he would be appalled by her behavior.

[ProudLib72]

40. I'd be very careful

The last time I said something about a colleague, I made a grave mistake. I said that he should never have been given him position. Well, just guess who gave him the position. Yep, my boss, the one I was complaining to. Really, really dumb on my part!

[smirkymonkey]

41. Thank you, I will take that into consideration.

We aren't in competing areas so there is little danger of her replacing me, but she can be vindictive. I just want him to be aware of what is going on in case she complains. He never takes her seriously, but I do realize there is always a risk.

[LisaM]

27. You need a mutual respect in the workplace policy.

Our company used to keep a copy of this posted in the break room, and I thought it went a long way to keeping things civil. (I work at a law firm, and over the years, the culture has really changed as far as attorneys screaming at people in the workplace - and I really believe that posting the policy helped).

Maybe it won't work for you, but I think it can be a good tool.

[smirkymonkey]

33. Good idea, and our company encourages that as well.

I don't know what is going on with this person, but she has been getting progressively worse. She is just very angry and bitter and seems to be losing control of her emotions lately. Her husband has been unemployed for a few years now and I am wondering if that is what is getting to her.

[Totally Tunsie]

28. Good luck, smirkymonkey!

Hope all goes in your favor.

[smirkymonkey]

34. Thanks Tunsie!

Appreciate it!

[2naSalit]

29. It sounds as though his person

has created a hostile work environment. If others feel that she has or does with regularity, that should be made known as well. If several of you have this feeling hwere you need toemploy avoidance behavior because of her behavior, it shold be documented by those who also have such experiences, it will help further any process to relieve the pressure.

[smirkymonkey]

35. Yes, I think I will find out a bit more when I meet w/ my manager.

She has complained to him about almost everyone on the team and I think he really sees right through her. She is always getting in fights with people so it's pretty obvious that she is the one who is the problem. In my entire time there I have never had a serious disagreement with anyone, but she has just pushed me to my limit.

Thanks for your advice 2naSalit! Appreciate it!

[2naSalit]

37. Good luck...

It really sucks when there's one of those on a team.

[Major Nikon]

39. Superglue her mouse to the desk when she's out to lunch