I'm working on my profile for a dating website.

[LuckyCharms]

Here's what I have so far.

Picture...I am not including a picture of myself because I think it's kind of creepy that you want to know what I look like so soon.

Height...That depends.

Body type...Oval

Occupation...Why? You after my money?

Interests...Oh I have interests alright.

Tell us a little about yourself...Well, you can fuck right off. Why are you being so intrusive?

Goals...To keep breathing as long as possible.

What are you most proud of?...Again with the personal questions?

Ideal mate...Nobody. I get paranoid when I'm around other people.

What is a gift that you would like to receive?...None. I don't open unmarked packages.

That's it. I've never done this before. This is just a rough draft.

[Kurt V.]

1. i wouldn't change a thing. It's perfect. ;)

[Laf.La.Dem.]

2. Are you a boy or girl?

Oops - too many questions

[Lochloosa]

3. It's ambidextrous

[rpannier]

4. uh huh

[rpannier]

5. You're calendar will be full for quite some time

You'll need a stick, a guard dog and a moat to keep 'em away

[IronLionZion]

6. Body type: Used Up

I did have a joke profile like that years ago and had some good responses because it caught people's attention. I ended up going on 6 dates with one woman who could relate to hating people since we're both a bit introverted.

[DirtEdonE]

7. Congratulations, looks like you've created the world's first internet-safe dating profile. nt

[machoneman]

17. Yes, you'll have no trouble at all from any dates, dates you'll never get!

Think of all the time and money you will save! LOL

[FailureToCommunicate]

8. I see you decided to post your profile picture for the ad...

I can imagine MANY potential lonely-hearts contacting you!

[wcollar]

10. Picture is apropriate for a dating site

After all thats a "moray"

[True Dough]

13. Nice!

[FailureToCommunicate]

15. Good one!

[littlemissmartypants]

25. DUzy. nt

[mwooldri]

9. Hair:. By Maurice.

Sorry, thought this was needed ehehe ...

[Ohiya]

11. Hey, Dreamboat!

[patricia92243]

12. Invite us all to the wedding :)

[Butterflylady]

14. Goals....To keep breathing as long as possible

Amen to that one! That describes me to a T

[Tetrachloride]

16. 1. get a burner phone and burner email

1. a burner phone = pay as you go thing, possibly Walmart or Woolworths
2. a burner email. iCloud.com members can create extra email addresses which are forwarded automatically to your mail account. The burner emails are fairly easy to control.
3. A website with "rules" similar to mine
http://internetdatingrules.blogspot.com/

4. safest topics include dream vacations, pets, foods.
5. Your mission is to get your date to talk about himself or herself, or get him/her to ask the questions which show the insight of a worthwhile person.
6. If you have a dog or cat, try to NOT mention this. Instead, comment on other people's dogs or cats. A person who does not like dogs or cats either has allergies or has psycho problems. (A friend of mine said this last part and I agree.)
6a. Tell people you are well read in politics. Do not mention you are a member of DU.
7. Although your long term mission is the best goal, that is not for today. Your only goal for now is testing the waters with email and maybe a phone call.
8. Assuming you do decide a first meet, choose some place where the time will be 1 hour. Coffee shops are best, or small museums. Do not choose your favorite neighborhood shop. Choose another place. There's a place near me that was recommended, right behind a fire station. I see police cars parked there every morning at 6-7 a.m. Ask a friend to arrive before you, if you want backup.
9. or suggest a double date.
10. As for me, after many years, I found the person for me. Actually, she found me and one day I decided to tell her more about me.
11. Your mileage will vary.
12. If you do find a person worthwhile, ask a friend to help with background checks: https://www.wikihow.com/Do-a-Criminal-Background-Check

[machoneman]

19. Funny, these days it's easier to talk about sex and religion than politics! No kidding.

[DetlefK]

21. These are acually good tips.

Keep her talking. It doesn't matter what the topic is, just keep her talking.

And don't go to the date with the goal of getting more out of it (her number, or God forbid a one-night-stand). The goal is to keep the conversation going as long as possible. And LISTEN, for fuck's sake.

Anecdote: I was a regular in a club, because the music was good, the drinks cheap and the people nice. There was this cute girl who was a semi-regular. I hit on her and she immediately pulled the brakes. A few months later I was at the club, and out of boredom I started a conversation with her. I didn't even try to hit on her this time. She didn't remember me and we just talked and for quite a long time. I wasn't her type though: She was into muscular, hulky guys.

The lesson: Don't pressure, don't panic, stay relaxed and whatever happens happens.

[Harker]

18. You could go on a date

to the ATM.

[DetlefK]

20. Yeah, you won't get anybody with that. Nobody. Nothing, zilch, nada. Here's some tips:

I have been online-dating for a few years. It got me a few dates and a relationship that didn't last.



* If you don't include any picture, people immediately assume that something is wrong with your face.

* When doing pictures, don't make all of them selfies, or else people will think that you have no friends. When doing a selfie, the angle is crucial: Getting a good selfie is VERY tricky. Also, try to get pics from many different situations: casual, formal, outdoors/sports... or else people think you are a bore.

* Height and bodytype are irrelevant unless it's extreme.

* Occupation, interests, goals, proud of, ideal mate, gift... shows them what your interests are and whether you have something in common with them. To emphasize: When people look at your profile, they want to know whether YOU can make THEM happy.





You can play hard to get, you can play mysterious and dangerous, but that only works in actual one-on-one conversations when talking to someone in person. In online-dating, people will simply ignore you and move on within 2 seconds.

[Harker]

22. Both luck and charm

might help.

[DetlefK]

23. But this profile does not have any charm.

If you didn't know that this is sarcastic, it could as well be the profile of a misanthrope.

[Harker]

24. I'm not sure how lucky he is, either...

Last edited Wed Mar 20, 2019, 11:23 AM - Edit history (1)

Surely there's a good match for his unusual personality or personalities.

[PoliticAverse]

26. Scrap it all and replace it with the single line...

Magically Delicious.

[JudyM]

28. LOL!

I love it.

[smirkymonkey]

27. People are so nosy these days.

Whatever happened to keeping a little mystery?