My disappointing Christmas.

[smirkymonkey]

I don't know why I thought this year should be any different than any other year, it's my own fault for thinking it should.

It's not about the gifts, and it shouldn't be. But there is a message sent when someone gives you gifts that clearly tells you that they don't give a damn about you. My step-mother buys the gifts for all the family. Everyone gets lovely, expensive gifts from nice stores. Except me. I get gifts from bargain basement stores that I can't return and things that I can't use or wear and that I end up giving to friends or homeless shelters.

I know it sounds ungrateful, but my parents have the money and she purposely goes out of her way to find the ugliest, cheapest things to give me (and that I can't return) while giving all my siblings nice gifts from expensive places that are thoughtful and meaningful.

I hate absolutely everything she got me. I will give it all away. I feel like it was all a big "fuck you". FYI, she hates me because I remind her of my mother who died in childbirth. She has always been abusive and hateful and I have tried to get along with her for the sake of the rest of my family but I am so tired of being treated like dirt. I always wonder if I should say something, but I never do in order to spare the feelings of my father and siblings.

I am always so hurt and tired of being treated like dirt. My father gives me money behind her back. I know that if I confront her she will make his life a living hell. She always takes it out on him. I want to keep the peace but I really want her to know how I feel. I king of feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I am angry, but I don't want my anger to spill over on the rest of my family.

[Lotusflower70]

1. I am so sorry you are going through this

It's like you said, you can either say something or not. I understand why you don't because you are kindhearted and don't want to hurt anyone. But if you said something, those feelings inside would be set free. Granted you are the only one to decide. I don't understand why no one in your family says anything. She is a bitter and hateful woman and you are her target. Do something nice for yourself. Whatever it is, just do it. Be well and take care of you.

[smirkymonkey]

7. Thank you for your kind words.

It's just so hurtful to go through this every year. I think I may have to beg off in the future. Happy New Year!

[diva77]

12. I agree with roody's post. You are in the driver's seat, you can make

Christmas your holiday, not your stepmother's. Sounds like everyone has to step on eggshells around her, too. There are unlimited ways to spend the holiday. A fun thing to do, which you've probably thought of or have done already, is to deliver meals on wheels to elderly. Everyone involved is in good spirits and you feel like you've done something positive afterwards.

Happy New Year to you!!

[smirkymonkey]

66. Thank you diva77!

That is a very good idea for next year! Much less stressful and happier for everyone!

[diva77]

74. I thought of one more idea -- you could troll her by purchasing a really nice gift which

you bring to the gathering and attach a card that says it's from her to you. Then you open it as all look on and admire whatever the gift is, then you give her a hug and tell her how thoughtful she is. Then she'll have to confess that she didn't give that to you. Then you open the real gift from her as all look on, and see what happens!

(sorry if someone already suggested this -- have not read all of the replies carefully)

[sprinkleeninow]

13. What LotusFlower wrote. You recognize how she is and why.

Be above her actions. I know how people can be like that, esp. family. Sometimes envy does that to people.

I love you. We love you. Take heart in that. 💞

May you experience a beautiful 'brand new' year.

[smirkymonkey]

19. Thank you so much!

I love DU and you!

[roody]

2. Make other plans at Cmas.

You will be glad you did.

[smirkymonkey]

8. Good idea.

I think I am learning a lesson here!

[JHan]

73. I second Roody's suggestion. You don't deserve a miserable christmas.

[Marie Marie]

3. Just remember, she treats you that way because that is who SHE is.

She chooses her behavior and it says a lot more about her than you. I'm sorry that you have to be treated so poorly- especially since it seems you are being singled out. Just try to focus on the loved ones that matter to you.

[Heartstrings]

5. Exactly!

It's on her, and karma is a bitch....

Merry Christmas, dear smirkymonkey! We love you!

[LuckyCharms]

6. Your first sentence especially is dead-on correct. n/t

[smirkymonkey]

9. Thank you!

It would be so much easier if she wasn't connected to my father and siblings. They are sympathetic, but it's complicated. Fortunately, I only see them a few times a year.

[LuckyCharms]

4. Hey, I can kind of relate to this, and I'm sorry you experienced this...

I don't mind saying that I hate Christmas, but I used to love it. My family is either dead or estranged, so the only gift I get is from the woman next door who I am friends with and who I help out whenever I can. She made my Christmas this year with a beautiful fruit basket along with a heartfelt note of thanks.

Along the lines of your post...one recent year, before an estrangement from a family member, I received this...thing...as a gift from her (the family member). I don't even know what the fuck it was. Some cheap ass home decor thing you hang on the wall. I stared at it for a good 20 minutes, and never quite figured out what it was. Maybe some candle holder, and I don't even have any candles. Looked like it cost $1.49. I threw it out. I would have been happier getting no gift at all...because I don't expect them. But this gift made me realize something...I was not loved. I put a lot of thought into this person's gift because I held a lot of familial love for her, and I get this stupid thing. It blew my mind, but it kind of went along with the discord that was beginning in my family. So it wasn't the gift, it was the lack of love that slapped me in the face.

I really know how you feel here, and I'll give you the same useless advice that everyone gives me when I get down at Christmas...You're the better person, rise above this, blah blah, blah. Then I get pissed because people know I am suffering and they throw this canned shitty advice at me, like I'm some kind of dumbass.

Here is some actual useful advice. It's ok to feel the way you feel. It's ok to express those feelings. And it's ok to tell people who hurt you to piss up a rope.

[smirkymonkey]

10. Thank you Lucky Charms!

You expressed it beautifully! It is not the gift, it is the lack of love that is expressed in the gift. That is exactly how I felt. That I didn't matter. That I was not cared for. That is what hurt most of all.

Thanks and I so appreciate your post!

[hibbing]

11. Tough situation

I won't lament about my holiday situation. I started this post ready to offer advice, but now I'll pass. Hang in there and I wish you the best in the new year.

Peace

[smirkymonkey]

21. Thanks! I appreciate it!

Happy New Year!

[Laffy Kat]

14. Next time skip the Xmas with the family ...

And take yourself someplace nice that you'll enjoy. You don't even have to tell anyone why, just say you need some alone time.

[Dan]

15. How old are you?

[smirkymonkey]

16. Five.

[Dan]

22. I wasn't trying to be funny

The decisions or words shared is different based on your age.

As a young person - you’re learning at an early age that life is not always fair. You show a lot of maturity by choosing to not create waves for the sake of your siblings and father. You are also showing strength that will stay with you, a lifetime.

I’ve had friends that have been in comparable situations as yours. There are no real good answers that can be shared when an adult chooses to hurt a child, regardless of reasons. But this I do know, one day, you will be an adult or old enough to make decisions for yourself. As an adult, you can then choose to have a relationship with your step-mother or not. But you now are laying the foundations to having a positive relationship with your siblings, and that’s good. I also suspect that the rest of the family can see what is happening. And one day when you’re older - much older than five, you will have an interesting discussion with your father.

Good luck and stay strong.

[smirkymonkey]

28. Sorry about that. I thought you were implying that I was immature. Which might be true.

Thank you for your advice. It's hard. I am an adult, but this person has been making our lives miserable for a long time. She doesn't like the fact that we all like each other and tries to divide us. I have tried to discuss things with my dad, but he's pushing 80 and he's attached to her (healthy, but emotionally dependent). I guess I will just have to ride it out.

Thank you again for your kind words.

[Squinch]

113. I'm sure you behave in a very appropriate way, but having received similar

treatment from my mother all her life I understand that, inside, you do feel like you are 5 when you are handed something whose message is, "I enjoy treating you badly."

I am sorry it happens to you. Very late in the process (just two years before she died) I learned to put very strong boundaries between my mother and myself. I stopped being alone with her, I told her I would walk out of the room when she became abusive and I did it, I made sure she was taken care of but stopped caring for her myself. I spent time with the family members I love and I paid her no mind whatsoever. When she pointedly did things like what you describe your stepmother doing, I accepted the "gift" but then left it at her house when I left.

It was very freeing. It was a decision to respect myself. I took a long time to get there, and was pretty old by the time I did, but I am so grateful that I consciously made that decision, to respect myself in the face of her total disrespect for me, before she died. I am so glad I had those two years where I was a well-adjusted adult reacting to her, and not the hurt child that she tried to create.

Make sure you give yourself that. Do whatever it takes to know you have been a self-respecting person who reacted in a sane way to the total nutbag that is your stepmother.

[yankeepants]

17. Send her a charity donation card prior to holidays with stamped envelope

and ask her to send $ in your name instead of a gift.

[vsrazdem]

35. I agree 100%. I would let her know you would rather she donate to a Food Bank or charity

in your name and she can just give you the receipt as the gift. Then if she doesn't, let her know on christmas when presents are exchanged that you are so sorry she did not get the time to do the donation, and that you will go ahead and donate the gifts she gave you instead.

[smirkymonkey]

59. That would drive her insane!

She is your typical raging republican. Absolutely NO empathy for anyone. Such a cruel person. Not just toward me, but does not have a nice thing to say about anyone and hates what she perceives as weakness in "needy" people. She really reminds me of Trump in many ways. Not as extreme, but a very toned down version of him. Perhaps that is why I am so triggered by him.

[Baltimike]

112. tell her that the donation would save you the trouble of having to donate the substandard

gifts that she tends to get for you. Or...loudly ask her where she got your gifts, and are there any gift slips? because these gifts "are really not your taste"

Let her OWN it if she's so tough

[Rorey]

72. I love this idea. NT

[More_Cowbell]

18. She already knows how you feel

Because it's how she *wants* you to feel. She wins if you stay away; it's what she wants. If you want to see the rest of your family, and this is your only chance, then I would go. Just know ahead of time that you will get no validation of any kind from her or from the rest of them. I'd get my own revenge by giving her the gift of a donation to a charity. Preferably one she won't care for. But I'm not as nice as you are.

The rest of your family are cowards, which is something else you have to live with if you want to see them.

If you want to see them, go. I only hope that you have friends outside your family who are giving you the love and respect that your family isn't giving you. And I mean all of them. Your stepmother is the worst, but she's damaged in some way. The others, presumably, are not damaged, and yet they don't step up.

The suggestion to do something to help others is a good one. I'm geographically distant from most of my friends and family, and I go with a coworker to a local family center and help serve Christmas dinner and hand out presents for less fortunate families. THAT'S Christmas.

[smirkymonkey]

23. You are right. I honestly think she wants to humiliate me.

All of us get along famously and she wants to drive a wedge between us. She made my brother miserable by making his wife miserable. She is just a horrible person. It's just that my dad is 80 years old and the only way for me to see him is to see her. I always wonder if every holiday will be his last and I don't want to rock the boat.

She really is a horrible person. Her MO is to drive wedges between people. It's kind of sad. We manage to stay together despite her.

Thanks More_Cowbell!

[More_Cowbell]

25. You're right that you'll feel bad if you miss a chance to see your dad

But seriously, your stepmother isn't worth one second of your time feeling bad. Please try not to give her that power.

Happy rest of the holidays!

[RainCaster]

20. A different idea Smirky...

You are a passionate person who understands what love really is. So show her instead with your actions. Get involved in an outreach program for those less fortunate and plan to spend next Christmas helping them. What you get in return from these people will more than make up for her deficiencies. And don't look back.

[KY_EnviroGuy]

24. K&R, agree. We sometimes need to create our own space for love.

A small circle of caring, trusted friends, or an elderly people outreach group, or an animal care/rescue group, for example.

In other words, people with heart........

[smirkymonkey]

29. Thanks KY_EnviroGuy!

[smirkymonkey]

32. Thank you!

I think that might be a better idea next year!

[vlyons]

26. You can't change your step-mother

or anyone else for that matter. You can only change yourself by changing how you think, changing your point of view. That she treats you like dirt doesn't mean that you are dirt. Some people have to act out their anger, because they are simply selfish and not high-minded.

Consider talking to a therapist about how to communicate your feelings to her. She probably won't be able to hear it, because her ego is encased in hard cement. But you'll feel better having expressed yourself. As a Buddhist, I can share with you that joy cones from appreciating the success, well-being, and happiness of others. Aspire to be a high-minded person, who radiates joy for others. Then it won't matter that your step-mother is an asshole.

[smirkymonkey]

30. I know I can't change her, she is 76. She will never change.

Thank you for your kind advice. I have tried so hard to be loving and I really treat her very well considering how she has treated me. My friends have seen me around her and are amazed at how nice I am to her in the face of her cruelty. I only do it because I am genuinely kind and because I want to preserve the relationships with the rest of my family. They all hate her.

I have been in therapy for a long time and I don't talk about her. I only talk about how I feel when other people treat me the way she did and how it pushes my buttons and how I can change my reactions in the present.

[vlyons]

44. She obviously punches your buttons

That the whole family hates her is her reward. Aspire to see her as an opportunity to practice mirror-like wisdom and calm abiding mind. No matter what appearance comes before a mirror, the mirror never gets upset or angry. Mirror-like wisdom can remain clear and calm no matter what comes before it. Just so, we can maintain a calm and tranquil mind no matter what appearance comes before us.

[smirkymonkey]

60. Thank you vlyons.

I think she is in her own personal hell. I have come a long way in my reaction to her and have become much less reactive. It still hurts, but not as much as it used to. I don't care about her anymore, but what really hurts is how much she tries to divide the rest of us. She even has horrible things to say about the grandchildren, which to me should be off limits.

[vlyons]

64. She is definitely in a hell of her own making

I used to be an angry negative person. Buddhism helped me get past all that. We each are responsible for our own mental well-being. Just remember that when you die, the only thing that you will take with you is your mind, including all your mental habits, and subjective points of view. It's not about what happens to us. It's about what we tell ourselves about what happens to us.

[orleans]

27. in another post you mentioned your dad's age

and i certainly could understand you not wanting to give up the chance to see him or spend holiday time with him...

just a couple thoughts...

next christmas get your dad a gift he would love--just for him. don't give the bitch anything, or wrap up something she gave you and give it back to her

take your dad out for an afternoon or dinner or to a movie and just him--to spend some quality father/kid time together. give him a present when you're alone with him. don't get her a thing. or give her a card if you see her again on xmas.

you can tell him or not how you feel.

i would just try to carefully cut her out of the mix.

sorry this happened to you.

[smirkymonkey]

31. Thank you.

I would love the opportunity to be alone with him. It's difficult, but I think I could arrange it with my siblings' help. They are all very supportive. They know how she has treated me and are on my side.

[KY_EnviroGuy]

33. Thanks so much for sharing this, SM. You've helped us all by....

reminding us of how fragile our most precious relationships are and how one fly in the ointment can ruin them. I have those, too.

Please don't let anyone deny you of private time with your father. It is your right as his child.

I got too damn busy with life and missed precious time with my dad, and then boom....he was gone. Still suffer emotionally from that today at 70 years old.

We wish you the best in figuring a way forward with this issue. Meditate on it a bunch!.....

[smirkymonkey]

37. Thanks for that. It means a lot to me.

You are so right.

[KY_EnviroGuy]

41. You're very welcome. Sharing our lives and experiences with each other....

is the glue that keeps us functioning as a healthy society, as well as helping us to heal our hearts. I hope you can find ways to use this painful dilemma in a positive way to help others, as you have here on DU.

Your story actually helped me see through the fog of some holiday-related resentment I was holding deep inside. All I needed was reading about another person being humble enough to open up and share their pain.

....... ....... ........

[JudyM]

83. Huge that your sibs support and validate you - you can fill your heart with gratitude about that.

I wish my sibs were more supportive and less selfish.

FWIW, I’ve never recommended her on DU before, but if you want to get another set of emotional tools to work with for this issue, you might want to check out Byron Katie. She’s kind of a secular guru with a simple stepwise plan for getting your head out of the junk that gets in your way, like wanting people to treat you fairly. It’s all about reframing how you’re viewing it by both seeing it differently and seeing yourself differently, highly pragmatic. One of her main works is Loving What Is... you can find her on YouTube as well as her own website. I got my head straightened out a few times by her construct.

[smirkymonkey]

85. Thank you! I think I have heard of her before.

I will definitely look her up. I am always looking for ways to improve myself and my relationships.

Thanks again!

[lapucelle]

34. I'm so sorry...

she needs someone to bully and victimize, and she unfortunately picked you.

Did you ever think of re-gifting the presents back to her? You could say. "I know you must like this because you gave me one just like it for Christmas."

[smirkymonkey]

46. LOL! Now that is an idea!

I really should do that next year. The pathetic thing is that I get her really nice things from the best stores w/ gift receipts even if she doesn't like them. I should just give her the things she gives me in the future. I don't know why I try so hard to please her. She has been my step-mother since I was six, so it's kind of a bad habit.

Thanks!

[Mike Nelson]

36. Here's how I handle it...

… I'm friendly and thankful. The gift goes in my donations box. It's usually clothing items I won't wear, but there was a nice shirt, once, and I repeatedly liked and wore it because it matched something I had... I often would say how wonderful the gift was because it matched the pants so well. It was Khaki and I normally would think of wearing it...

Another time, it was an inexpensive little box... polished clay, I guess. I put it on the TV and stuck some plastic flowers inside. It stayed there until I got the "flat" TV. I always credited the gift-giver and year I received the gift. I always liked that little trinket!

It was a difficult relationship, so I tried to find something nice. They might have thought I was being snarky, but I don't care...

[smirkymonkey]

47. Thanks Mike!

Happy New Year!

[raccoon]

40. Sorry this is happening to you. Something similar happened to me.

Sorry this is happening to you. Something similar happened to me.

It was this horrible woman full of anger that my one of my uncles married. She was mean and bitchy to me and not just me but other members of the family as well. But nobody ever had the balls to stand up to her. Except one time my youngest uncle let her have it. I mean verbally.

Now she is in her 90s and has been in a nursing home for years so thank God I don’t have to see her.

Too bad other family members enable little Stalins like these.

Have you tried Alanon? It helps you to learn to detach from other people who are bugging you. It’s for friends and relatives of alcoholics, which I guess would include just about anybody.

[smirkymonkey]

49. I'm sorry that happened to you.

I would love it if someone let her have it, but everyone is too afraid of her. She reminds me of Trump in a way. Not as bad, but on the spectrum. Narcissistic and borderline sociopathic. She enjoys hurting people and can't stand it when the attention is not on her.

She once ran out of a restaurant crying because the rest of us were all laughing and having a good time and she wasn't the focus of attention. She also ran out of my brother's house crying because he had a photo of our dead mother in his bedroom (she died in childbirth w/ him and I was 2 1/2). How effing self-absorbed do you have to be to act like that as an adult?

Alanon might be worth a look for me. I don't think of her much since I rarely interact w/ her except for holidays, but I am interested in finding a way to detach from this toxic person.

[MaryMagdaline]

42. This really bothers me

I’m pretty good at passive aggressive counter attacks and would suggest (1) taking the gift, still wrapped, thanking her for it, and putting it in a bag to take home. Tell her you’ll open it when you get home; (2) sending out emails next year to everyone in the family that you will not be accepting gifts next year; (3) donating, in her name, to a charity for animals or children and giving her the receipt for it; (4) offering to help, financially, with the Xmas expenses, due to your perception that she and your dad have fallen on hard times as evidenced by cheap gifts; (5) giving your dad an awesome, once in a lifetime gift, such as cruise for 2, thus forcing her to enjoy something that your dad will praise you for (even better, book a family cruise for all who can attend).

I, personally, would not be able to accept the abuse and would stay home and meet up with siblings a day or so after holidays.

I suspect that you’re not mean enough and your siblings are not mean enough to cause anyone pain. I hope that you figure out a way to survive this emotional warfare. Clearly you don’t deserve this.

[smirkymonkey]

51. Thank you Mary!

I have often thought of doing some of those things. As you have said, I try to keep the peace for the sake of the rest of my family.

I actually would have said something this year except we are celebrating their 50th Wedding Anniversary at the end of January this year and I don't want to spoil it. I would love to just beg off, but I love my dad and don't want to hurt him. I also don't want to leave my siblings holding all the responsibility.

They go to Florida from Feb through the end of April and have invited me down all expenses paid. I declined. It will not be fun for me. I'm not that desperate for a free trip.

[Clash City Rocker]

107. I was going to suggest #2

And possibly encouraging other family members to do the same, but all of these are good ideas.

The woman sounds like someone who could use counseling, but won’t ask for it. The good news is, she’s 76, so you can outlive her and have happier holidays then. You must love your family, and especially your father, very much to put up with all of that. I’m not sure I could.

[smirkymonkey]

108. Thanks Clash City Rocker!

And welcome to DU!

[dembotoz]

43. No support from ur siblings? Shame on them

I had a great aunt... really not such a great aunt...
Who went our of her way to punish my uncle in her will.
My mom gave him a strong portion of what she got.
Think my other uncle s did not.
Something about needing to be able to sleep at night

[smirkymonkey]

52. They are afraid of her too.

She's like Trump. A horrible, stupid weak person, yet everyone is so afraid of pissing her off.

[lunasun]

45. "Wow I can't believe you gave me this! " no TY or other comment, toss and go on to other"s gifts

Not snarky big smile -act excited when you say it then a second later no more emotion toss it aside and forget about it
Yes it’s passive aggressive action just like hers I know but she will get it don’t worry .
I hope siblings are affirming her obvious dislike and unfairness .
Give your dad something extra nice he likes with the money you save on her

[smirkymonkey]

53. My siblings are very kind to me.

They see it and I think they try to make up for her cruelty. Yet they are afraid of her as well.

Thanks!

[Baltimike]

114. They're not being all that kind if they allow it

would YOU stand by and let that happen to any one of THEM?

[MLAA]

48. dear Smirkymonkey

Having read all the advice, I picked a couple pieces of advice given by others in the stream to underline:

1.). Go a day early or a day late and take just your dad on a dad/child only outing. That should give really her something to be an @sshole about. It has the added benefit of a truly wonderful day for you and your dad.

2.). Love the idea to regift her one of her gifts saying you got her one just like the one she gave you. Another take is to start leaving the gifts there. Just forget to take them when you leave.

Finally, I say do whatever make you feel better. And if it is at all possible see your siblings away from her and not part of these ‘family gatherings’ where you are treated so differently than they are. If you want to continuing going, I think I would tell her ahead of time that she no longer needs to buy you presents because it no longer hurts you that she buys presents that are not as nice as your siblings (even if you aren’t quite there yet).

[smirkymonkey]

55. Thank you MLAA!

Good advice. I would love to just be alone w/ my dad and siblings and I like the idea of re-gifting. This has been going on for years and I don't know why I try so hard to please her.

Maybe next year I will just beg off altogether. It's too painful. My one revenge is that my dad lets me buy things on his credit card and she ultimately pays for it since she inherited a lot of money when her mother died. He pays all the bills. It's a little slimy, but I'm pissed off enough to do it.

[calimary]

50. Aw smirky, I'm so sorry you have to go through this demoralization.

There’s some real cruelty working here. Deliberate and intentional. Especially if you all are opening presents together. The others then are able to see this out in the open. Stick the knife in and twist it.

It’s such a shame this has to happen on Christmas. I guess in a case like this, you find comfort where you can. There would be fireworks if you sought any redress or justice, and lots of emotional damage done. Especially to you. And even if you decide the only answer is to take yourself out of hurtful situations like this, that still creates pain. Especially for you.

Oddly enough, as I’m doing this on my phone, a news story pops up about Carrie Fisher’s daughter trying to cope with a different (but still profound) family wound: the death of her mother. Made me think of what I’d read from you here on this thread.

“I’ve found that what keeps me moving is doing things that make me happy, working hard on the things that I’m passionate about and surrounding myself with people I love and making them smile.”

She signed off with a sweet note to her followers, telling them, “I hope this encourages anyone feeling a little low or lost to ‘keep on moving.’ As my Momby once said, ‘Take your broken heart and turn it into art’ – whatever that art may be for you.”

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/billie-lourd-carrie-fisher-death-anniversary_us_5c24ce1be4b0407e908042a5

You are lovable AND loved. Certainly here on DU.

[smirkymonkey]

56. Thank you calimary!

That is so sweet of you! What a beautiful idea. I will not let her break me and god knows she has tried. I will not go into the nightmare of my childhood with her but she nearly destroyed me. It took years of therapy and medication for me to become functional again. I will never give her that satisfaction.

The thing that really bothers me is that she tells everyone that I am the one who is "mentally ill" and she is so sweet to everyone's face while stabbing them all in the back. I hope they see me for who I am. I think most people are on to her.

[Cousin Dupree]

54. Some people are just toxic. For your own well-being, can you limit contact with her?

Don’t feel guilty about the way you feel. You haven’t done anything wrong. Here. Have a big hug.

[smirkymonkey]

57. Thank you Cousin Dupree!

Yes, fortunately I live in Boston and they live in upstate NY and in Florida for part of the year. They invited me down as part of an X-mas present but I declined. I know better than to subject myself to more abuse.

[SWBTATTReg]

58. What a shame and also, I'm in awe of your adult attitude in this whole thing...sounds like ...

to me that you got things under control and that you're the one who has 'grown' up, despite the ignorant attitude being shown/displayed on her part.

Hang in there, and don't let this person get you down. There are far more important things in life than this idiot, who chooses to be this way. You've got a whole crowd here on DU rooting for you, one of whom is myself. Hang in there, have a nice holiday, and enjoy the little pleasures that come your way. Bless you!!

[smirkymonkey]

68. Thank you SWBTATTReg!

You are very kind!

[Rorey]

61. Next Christmas

Last edited Thu Dec 27, 2018, 02:59 PM - Edit history (1)

Next year, how about if you just don't unwrap the gifts. Just smile and tell her you want whoever will ultimately receive it to have the joy of unwrapping a present.

I'm sure your siblings all know what she's doing, and they probably don't think well of her for doing it.

[smirkymonkey]

69. They don't think well of her and they feel bad for me.

They all take good care of me. Bless them. They are all so kind to me.

[RazBerryBeret]

62. Just a thought...

you have a lot of good advice here, so hesitant to add but...
My go-to is always humor.

She clearly knows what she is doing to you, your family knows as well. is there a way you can call it out in a funny way?
"thanks for taking time shopping for me, I'm clearly a hard person to buy for..."
"where did you find this? I didn't know they were still open"
"I've always heard the perfect Christmas gift is something you wouldn't buy yourself, so this is PERFECT"
(as you open your gift) "and now the moment we've all been waiting for..." (while laughing)
(to a sibling after they open their gift) "wow, how are you always so much higher on the list than I am?"

I feel like you can say almost anything with a smile on your face and a light heart... but of course I don't know anything about your family dynamics. This situation has to cause stress and tension among your other family members, maybe you joking about it would give them an outlet. And you would show your step mother that you have absolutely no expectation of receiving a good gift from her.

[smirkymonkey]

70. They all see what she is doing and they try to make it up with their gifts.

Which are very nice and generous. My dad sees it too and tells me to buy myself something on his card because he knows that I got short-changed. I am lucky to have such a good family except for her. It's a shame that she has to create such dissent. She is cruel to my SIL's as well, although she gets them nice gifts to impress my brothers.

[Clash City Rocker]

109. "Thank you, this will make some homeless person very happy."

[radical noodle]

63. Only you can decide

Do you want to get the satisfaction of getting even, or would you prefer to keep the pretense that everything is normal and ok with you? I am personally a "get even" kinda gal, but YMMV.

You might consider re-gifting the crap she gives you to her, saying that you found one "just like you got me last year" and knew she would love it. Two can play the game.

She does this to hurt you, so you must somehow let her think it doesn't. Make her gifts a joke. Laugh at her and her "gifts." Tell her the homeless shelter will appreciate it. There are lots of things you can do. You now have a year to decide how. Be prepared.

Lots of hugs from someone who has been in a similar position.

[Hav]

65. If she's going out of her way to insult you

then don't give her the pleasure of letting it show even though it must be hard to keep up the facade. Or just wear the ugly stuff to express how much you love it. Also, don't bother too much trying to please her with your present. It's not valued anyways.
Enjoy the one thing that is the reason you go there and that you truly value which is the time with the other relatives and just ignore her.

[smirkymonkey]

67. Don't want to sound like Trump, but believe me I am very good at maintaining my composure

and being kind to everyone. I even thanked her for the gifts and told her I loved them.

I sent her a text when they were driving home to thank them again and she reprimanded me for passing on a Christmas Eve party with my brother's friends - a bunch of married, yuppie couples w/ kids that I had never met before - even though I had gone to dinner w/ people the night before and another party on Christmas.

She said I make her feel like I don't want to be with them when really I am just introverted and needed to catch up on my own emails and texts (every time I picked up my cell phone she told me to put it down. I am an adult FFS).

Anyway, sorry to whine. I guess I am still a bit steamed about everything.

[Rorey]

71. I actually think you're handling it admirably

And you could just look at it as one of those life lessons. It's sort of a lesson in strength, and you've definitely demonstrated that you're a strong person by tolerating her intolerable behavior for so long.

I did think of one more thing you could do. Save the gifts and give them back to her next year. You could tell her that you enjoyed them very much, and want her to experience that joy too. All with a smile, of course.

[smirkymonkey]

77. I like how you think Rorey!

[lunatica]

75. From what I can gather your sister is the family bully

If your father has to sneak to give you what you need that means she bullies him too.

It would be good for the family and for her if the family fired her as the gift giver.

She has the power because the family gives her the power.

I can’t give you any advice but I can tell you that my method of dealing with people, including my family, who misuse their power is to simply remove any power they have over me. Each situation is different so there isn’t some generic way to act. I would not accept her gift. Period. Even if it meant not going to the family reunion. You can tell the rest of your family why. Once you bring the subject up they will all have to deal with her bullying. They’re all probably being bullied by her. And I guarantee they don’t like it any better than you do.

[smirkymonkey]

76. Oh no! I am not sure where I gave that impression.

None of my siblings are at fault. My father has to sneak behind my mother's back to give me things because he knows that I am the only one who doesn't get anything from her. I'm sorry if that was unclear.

You are right however, she has the power because we give it to her. If one of us stood up to her she would crumble. She is a paper tiger. It's so funny how she reminds me of Trump. He is a weak, pathetic man yet nobody will stand up and call him on any of his shit. Why is everyone so afraid of him? He is nothing! Nobody! Call him to the carpet and he will break down like a little boy. My mother is the same way. I could easily destroy her if I spoke up, but I don't.

Psychologically, this is an interesting situation. I am not sure what to make of it and I don't know why we allow it to exist.

[demigoddess]

78. just skip xmas next year, I am going to.

family is getting too uppity for my taste.

[Ohiogal]

79. Oh my goodness

Nothing like making what is supposed to be a joyous occasion into a dreaded day of misery! I absolutely don't blame you for feeling the way you do. I would, too.

Is there any way you can just avoid being with them altogether? Maybe spend the day with some good friends who love and appreciate you?

I find myself incredibly stressed during the holidays, because I host the Big Three -- Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day. It all falls on me because I'm the only one who can do it. I stress out about getting the food right and if the house is presentable and are the gifts appropriate, etc. Sometimes my husband gets prickly with my sons if they don't show up at a certain time. And for the past two years, we've had a girlfriend included, as well. Thank God it all went well this time.

[smirkymonkey]

80. Thanks Ohiogal!

I got through it gracefully. I was disappointed and hurt, but did not show it. The thing that bothered me even more was that my brother was upset at how my mother was treating his wife and I. It really hurts me to see him in pain. He so wanted a happy holiday and she just ruins everything. It is very stressful.

I am glad your Christmas went well! It's almost over! New Year's Eve is the easiest holiday of all!

[Ohiogal]

81. Agree.

And, we won't have to think about it again for another 11 months!

Yay!

[mercuryblues]

82. give me your addy and I will send you something nice and well though out

Probably not expensive though. And you will have to remind me several times of this promise.

I would go next Xmas. Don't pass on the chance to see your Dad. You not showing up is exactly what she is aiming for. That way she can blame you for ruining Christmas. You know what she is, stop giving her the power to hurt you. I would give her an equally thoughtless gift, stop pretending with her that she is a loving person. If she says something, just say that you are under the impression after last year's gift that a gag gift exchange was going to be your thing and laugh it off.



You got some pretty good thoughts throughout this thread. You have a year to decide what your plan will be.

[Corgigal]

84. Just wanted to share

so you know you're not alone.

My mother in law, who has passed, gave me a gift for my birthday and then said. I don't know why it couldn't sell on eBay? Now, I don't know if she said it because my performance impressed her and she believed that I actually like the figurine, or just that kick in the ass.

So as soon as she left, I threw it in the trash. My husband tried to make it better, I told him to fuck off and fix your parents. I never allowed her near me again, any time a gift was involved. They could visit on thanksgiving, but not Christmas because we had two small children then.

It might be an answer for you, maybe. I get your dads age because we had to deal with that too.
Thanksgiving go, Christmas find something else to do.

You're welcomed at our home, we even give our fluffy doggies cute little gifts. Laughs will be shared and talking about world events are encouraged.

[smirkymonkey]

86. Thanks Corgigal!

So you know how I feel! I guess by your name that you have Corgis. I love them! They are the cutest dogs! My family has always been a big dog family (Golden Retrievers, Labs, Swiss Mountain Dogs), but some family friends just got a Corgi named Louis and he is just the sweetest little angel! I live in a city and most places only allow small dogs so a Corgi would be my first pick. They are just the sweetest small "big" dogs!

xo Happy New Year!

[Corgigal]

87. Here is our friend, Abby

Dressed for the holidays. We also call her Abba Dabba Doo.

[smirkymonkey]

91. Awwww! She is just adorable!

What a sweetie!

[Eko]

88. I hear ya.

I work in retail and I'm the store manager, getting time off for Christmas is stupidly hard and I live 5 hours away from my family. The Christmas 2 years ago I had to work from 6am to 6 pm on Christmas eve. I drove 5 hours to get to my moms house, woke up early the next day for their ridiculously early Christmas dinner, had presents for everyone, even those that didn't show up. Nice presents. Got a $20 gift card for a local gas station from my uncle and aunt. That's it. Not even a card from anyone else. Had to leave at 5pm to get back at 11pm and then be up at 5am to go to work. Figured maybe someone would send me a card, nope. Nothing else. Its not about gifts, its about realizing that I went to major lengths to be with them for Christmas and they all left me out of it. They all got each other something,,,nothing makes you feel like crap when sitting with the fam and they are all opening presents and reading cards from everyone else and you have a gift card. Needless to say I didnt go there after that. Still sent lots of nice presents but Im not going to go out of my way so they can make me feel like crap. I'll stay at home, sleep in, cook a really nice dinner like steak and shrimp or a prime rib and text them all merry christmas and leave out the fuck off I really want to add to the end of the text. And it was awesome.

[Niagara]

89. You are loved right here on DU, Smirkymonkey!

I'm sorry that you and the rest of your family have to deal with this toxic step-mother.

I've only interacted with you a few times right here on DU, however you are a voice of reason and compassionate.

There were quite a few great ideas in response to your dilemma. Please remember that you and the rest of your family can take control. Keep your chin up!

Hugs to you.

[pintobean]

90. What type of gifts do you give her

and, who's home is this happening in?

[smirkymonkey]

94. This year, my brother's home. Often it is my sister's home.

They have large homes. I live in a little studio in Boston. I give them very nice gifts from top-notch stores (with gift receipts). Very thoughtful, high end gifts. I am the poor one in the family and I charge my gifts and pay them off with my tax return. I go above and beyond. Even she admitted it. I need to learn how to pull back and live within my means.

[SammyWinstonJack]

92. My son's fil does the same to him. Gives everyone else expensive thoughtful gifts

And he gets gifts that were give aways at events. It used to bother him, now he just blows it off. Sorry your step monster is this hateful toward you at Christmas.

[smirkymonkey]

96. Thank you!

It's ok. I know that there are other people in my life who care and who see her for who she is. It helps me to see that I am not the crazy one.

[Texasgal]

93. I'm so sorry...

I had a similar problem many years ago in slightly different situation.

I finally just decided to tell everyone ( including my close family members) that I would no longer participate in gift exchanges. I decided to focus on the small children in my family. The kids are getting older but it's still fun for me to purchase fun things for them.

Let me just say it's been fabulous every year since! I no longer have to be worried about what to buy and I certainly don't have to deal with crappy things gifted to me. It was an absolute weight off my shoulders!

[smirkymonkey]

97. That sounds wonderful!

I think you have the right idea! I am going to make some changes in the next year. Thank you!

[bedazzled]

95. Buddha said that if one refuses a gift of abuse it stays with the giver

I would let her keep her gift of abuse and the physical gift too. Wouldn't even open it. You can really freak her out by attempting to treat her foolishness with compassion and any level of understanding you can manage. It is really enjoyable to see their confusion...

[smirkymonkey]

98. The sick thing is that I think she enjoyed seeing me humiliated by

opening gifts that were so sub-par compared to the ones she gave to my siblings. I know she hates me. I remind her of my dead mother (my father's first wife) and she will never get over it. It's so immature, but there it is.

[bedazzled]

100. Just don't let her hurt you. Then she wins...

A slightly condescending smile and a gracious thank you puts the ball back in her court. Takes the fun out of it. Doubt if she has enough soul to learn anything, more's the pity. And be glad you are not HER, performing such hurtful actions... Happy new year!!!

[drmeow]

99. Sounds like everyone in the family knows

so I'd do a couple of things

First - stop trying to buy something nice for her. It is a waste of you time, money, and (more importantly) your love. She doesn't care and everyone in the family will understand. I like the idea of giving her back what she gave you - no comments or justifications. Who knows, maybe if she thinks she's going to get it back the next year she'll give you something nice (which you can then keep - just give her something cheap the next year). If not, just buy her something cheap and generic. Alternatively, give a donation in each person/couple's name to a charity which means something to you (even better if it means something to your siblings but not her).

Second - I also like the idea of doing something with just you and your dad.

Third - I would also have a siblings get together, maybe the day after Christmas. Spend a little time bitching about her and then have a great time with each other. If you gave donations in everyone's name at Christmas, take this time to give them a small, more personal gift as well. Make your loving gesture in the form of gift giving something that is just between you and your siblings without her around. After all, they will still be around when she's gone.

[blur256]

101. What did you want?

Just curious.

[smirkymonkey]

102. Nothing in particular. Just to be treated like the rest of the family and to

know that she at least made an effort, like I do every year on my very limited finances. It's just that i feel like she goes out of her way to humiliate me and make me feel like I am not wanted.

[blur256]

110. I'm so sorry

You have to know you are loved here

[brush]

103. Your father married her after you mom died and then your siblings came?

Sorry. That's a tough situation. Will telling her how you feel help?

[smirkymonkey]

104. No, she doesn't care and she will find some way to turn it back on me.

I swear, she is a milder version of Trump. She really is. No empathy or compassion. She is never wrong, it's always someone else's fault, etc.

My mother died in childbirth w/ my brother, so there were two of us and then my father married her a few years later and they had two more children. All of us kids get along great and it's like we are all full siblings. We don't really see each other as half-siblings. We love each other equally. She always tries to divide us and treats my brother and I like second class citizens, but we don't take it out on the other two. We know it isn't their fault.

FYI, she (my step-mother) was one of the nurses attending my mother as she was dying. There is some big secret there that nobody will tell me. A family friend (who was also a nurse) told me she would tell me what happened after my father was gone, but she is old as well so I may never find out the truth.

[in2herbs]

105. This Christmas I made a dozen food boxes and drove around looking for homeless people to give them

to. Unfortunately, I ran out of food boxes before running out of homeless people to feed. If appropriate, wrap the gifts you receive and give them as presents to the homeless, then give your step mother a Christmas card with the names of the homeless people who received the gifts she gave to you. Perhaps she'll stop giving you gifts all together when she realizes that she is making other people happy and you should be happy because you can gift to others less fortunate without incurring a monetary expense.

[smirkymonkey]

106. I am giving her gifts away - first seeing if any friends want them and then donating to

a homeless women's shelter. Thanks for the suggestion!

[Baltimike]

111. *Nope* A bully will bully you until you fight back so say something.

and be sure to mention it to your siblings so they can see the pattern too.

You are not alone, so don't let her exclude you in any way.

[Mosby]

115. if I were you I wouldnt go

And instead have a little dinner party on Xmas eve with your and your siblings families.

Tell them you have to work or something on xmas. Or your volunteering.