My friend's mother is dying of cancer. He just learned she only has a few days left...

[Locut0s]

It really puts my own emotional struggles in perspective but also gives me pangs of survivor guilt. I realize that one is entitled to their own struggles independent of what someone else if going through but it's still a complicated mess emotionally. I've long struggled with depression, anxiety, substance abuse etc. Things have gotten much better in the past 5 years or so for me as I've managed to build bit of a working life for myself. For years I struggled with being unable to hold down school or work long term. Something would inevitably cause me to crash and burn. I won't go into the details as that is within the domain of therapy but suffice it to say I had a fair bit of shit to work through, and still do.

I've hit another rough patch in my life recently and while I remain working full time it's not been easy. I've returned to abusing alcohol regularly and struggle to get through my days. That being said I do have friends now for the first time in my life, some good ones. And drawing support from them has been a huge help. I try to support them as much as I can too as a number of them have struggled greatly with their own emotional problems. Supporting my friend through his mothers illness has been a bit of a complicated thing for me. I don't know his mother at all really so there is no sadness on my own end, but there is a sense of guilt in still struggling with my own demons as my life is easy street compared to many. But then I reflect on the fact that genetics, emotions, upbringing, have little to do with how easy or hard ones life is.

I'm just about to meet said friend and his manager, also a good friend of mine, to try to convince him not to work. We are scheduling him off so that he can have time with his mother in these final days. I know he has expressed a want to return to work however, a sense of obligation. We feel he would regret it if he missed these last days with his mother, and that if he wants to return to work to keep himself distracted and occupied the time for that is after her passing.

It's a bit of a mess emotionally. And like I said here I am struggling with my own separate depression and other issues.

[csziggy]

1. My best wishes and condolences to your friend - and best wishes to you

What a wonderful thing you are doing for your friend to offer more time with his mother - time that he would not get otherwise.

Meanwhile, please take care of yourself.

[True Dough]

2. Well put, and seconded!

One day at a time, locut0s. Hang in there!

[Locut0s]

10. Thank you!

I think my motto has always been to give to others that which is seek from others. I’ve struggled with loneliness and depression and a feeling of worthlessness for a very long time. As a result I try to empart the opposite of this to those around me.

[Doodley]

3. I am sorry to hear that bad news. You have an additional support network right here.

Depression creates a cloud that prevents you from fulfilling your desires. I know that from my own experience. Do not feel alone because many of us on DU are here for you. Feel free to private message me any time.

[Locut0s]

11. Thank you. You are correct...

I find myself at the age of 35 being where many are at the age of 20 despite technically having the potential for much more. But life is what it is. I’ve grown and matured a great deal over the years even if I have not progressed a lot in terms of those things that society measures as rulers of success. Even if my life has not been technically hard either. I would not be the man I am now if it were not for my struggles and while I sometimes think those struggles will do me in, I cherish the character and strength they have lent me.

[lunatica]

4. As long as you are there supporting him emotionally you are doing a great deal of good

You shouldn't think you need to take on the burden of his grief, or that you or your manager know what your friend needs right now.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh because it's not meant to be. My son died 4 years ago and the people around me that helped me the most were the ones who let me decide what was best for me. The ones who felt the need to take over and tell me what to do or what I needed struck me as just wanting attention. It was like they wanted everyone to see what good people they are. I say this because when I would tell them that I didn't want to talk about it or be distracted and that I wanted to be left alone they kept pushing themselves into my life. None of them had ever lost anyone but they decided they knew what I needed.

The fact is, it was my grief to deal with in my own way. And there is nothing anyone could do about that.

So basically what I'm saying is don't feel your problems are selfish because they aren't. You're dealing with them in your own way, and that is what's best for others too.

[Locut0s]

12. Thank you...

Don’t worry what t you said didn’t sound harsh to me at all. I’m very sorry to hear about your son,that is a terrible thing to have to live through.

I understand what you mean about people wanting to seem to be good people. That is something I have to be careful of guarding against. The reason isn’t because I’m not a good person but because in my extremely low self image I struggle with knowing I’m good. This leads to the need for validation and the need to feel one is expressing they are a “good person” more form themselves than for the other. Low self esteem is an insidiou cancer that I’ve struggled with most of my life. I co tinuslly find it worming it’s way back into the choices I make andthings I say without my realization.

[lunasun]

5. Remains of the day. He should attend to his mother but I would not force him on it

Like in Remains of the Day, it would be sad to have to be working when she passes imo, but everyone is different like the butler who prided himself on being able to keep it together and serve a party while his dad died in another wing of the estate

[Locut0s]

13. I need to see that film!

Good news is that he was happy to accept our offer.

[lunasun]

21. Good cuz it is clear in the movie/book he has many problems as life goes on from his duty to

service and who he was serving.
But I only cautioned because some people are like that and need to be on thier own path at the time to serve /work as thier highest purpose and I personally would not tell them otherwise if they insisted.
Kizuo Isuguro the author Nobel Prize winner also wrote Never Let me go , another made in to a movie, and many other books
Although I enjoy his work I will mention neither are light happy films and his books explore many human faults
https://m.

[WhiteTara]

6. Your friend is in denial and you are telling him the right thing.

The last few days are precious.

Big hugs to you in your struggles. We all suffer, there is no escape. I wish you well in your struggles with alcohol, it really does hurt the body! Oooh my head! hahaha

Depression is so present for so many of us. Most suffer in silence and we all try to find ground under our feet. Of course there is none. Each moment is new and when causes and conditions ripen and present themselves, it is our choice on how to live through them.

[Locut0s]

14. Thank you...

I am seeking out more mental health services. I say that even as I continue to spiral or dink. But I’ve learned some coping mechanisms that have worked well for me. One of them is that even if you are going to take negative harmful steps, don’t stop that from you also taking positive healing ones at the same time. Reach for help even if your other hand is still reaching for hurt.

[WhiteTara]

19. Well, that trick will only work for so long

as most people have trouble talking with someone who has been heavily drinking as our thoughts are somewhat scrambled in that condition. But I'm glad you have a support system, we all need that!

I too have suffered from depression and GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) and spent most of my life self medicating as well as weekly therapy sessions (I'm so grateful that was available to me) but where I have found that I have made the greatest strides has been because of my Buddhist weekly meditation class. I stumbled onto a Tibetan teacher (although that is not necessary) about six years ago and have been in this class ever since and go almost every week...but what I have learned is compassion for myself. I have been kind and compassionate with others, but did not offer myself the same treatment. My inner critic kept me down down down.

But I guess I'm saying, although I have no idea where you live, there are probably some Buddhist groups. I study Mahayana (the Great Way) which is all about compassion and loving kindness for ourselves and others. There are other schools of Buddhism and they all have the same basis, to understand that life is suffering and that there is a method to end that while in the body.

But I think that the most lasting thing that I did with that is to quiet my mind through meditation, to stop the never ending stream of thought that leads to rabbit holes of delusion and misery.

Big hugs!

[Locut0s]

23. Thank you. I have indeed thought in the past of trying meditation...

There is no doubt at all in my mind that I need to quiet my mind, it's very loud and hostile place. Although as a strong atheist I question how easy it would be for me to get into Buddhism. Self compassion is something I definitely need to learn, although I think the line between self compassion, self pity and self hatred can be much finer than most people think and I sometimes wonder what an act of self compassion would actually look like.

[WhiteTara]

24. As an atheist and pagan, Buddhism

was a natural next step. You will love Buddhism because they will tell you there is no god. I breathed an incredible sigh of relief when that was the first thing our teacher said. Buddhism isn't a religion, it is a philosophy. If you pm me your town, I'll see if I can find a buddhist center in your city.

Meditation is theory is simple. Sit quietly, breathe normally and naturally and simply follow your breath in and breath out. Thoughts will come, let them go like the unsubstantial things they are. Each time your mind wanders, bring it back to the breath. That's it. You will watch what your mind puts out, label it as a thought, resume following your breath. Start small and build up. Try and be regular every day. It is a subtle change, but change you will.

[Upthevibe]

7. I'm so sorry you're going through this as well as sorry for your friend....

You said that you've suffered from depression and are now drinking. I don't know if you've been on medication before or if that's an option for you. I know I've had some serious bouts myself and was very fortunate that I was able to find just the right couple of medications that made all the difference....Light to you....

[Locut0s]

15. Oh Ive been on and off mediation for years...

Currently I’m taking Prozac. I’ve been on many others. It’s true I might want to look into yet another change. Although I've found they all do about the same for me. I’ve also done group therapy the last 4 years which was of minimal help. But I’m now trying to track down some individual therapy.

[applegrove]

8. You have given your friend the best of advice. That is what a good friend does.

If you look like a duck gliding across the water with ease as your feet furiously paddle underwater, then that is how you roll. Good that you take the pulse of your relationship now and then. Looking at things from multiple angles makes one compassionate. Drinking is not going to solve your depression or anxiety issues. Try meds instead. Even marijuana is available medically now to help with relaxation and would be better prescribed than drinking. Vibes to your friend. It is important that they be there for their mother. It may not seem like it now but they will grow for having been there in the end. And growing is the best track.

[Locut0s]

16. Thank you!

I have tried medication and indeed I’m on meds, I’ve tried many over the years. Marijuana worked well for me for a while, however my experience is that for me it leads to serious paranoia that lasts many weeks even after I stop smoking. I’ve tried to go back several times with initial positive results only to have it turn into serious anxiety and paranoia that lasted weeks. It’s unfortunate as I felt the best on weed for a while as I’ve ever felt in my life. And I’ve tried different strains. As I was mentioning above one tactic I have learned for myself is that even if I’m reaching for a bottle with one hand, or whatever negative metaphorical thing, I still force myself to reach for something positive with the other, even if I don’t feel like it. Today I sent out a an inquiry to a therapists office and set up a sleep clinic test. I am doing no better emotionally but st least I did those things.

[applegrove]

18. I had trouble with waking up out of breath for a bit. It was when I slept on my back. My weight

was the problem. Strangely when I gained a little weight my gut was no longer pushing on my diaphragm. I carried the weight lower. So the apnea resolved itself before I had any tests. Good luck with the sleep clinic. Alcohol can certainly mess with sleep. Try taking a break from alcohol and see that some of your issues don't resolve themselves. The rest can be taken care of by meds. I have been suggested that medical marijuana might help me but really I just vent and then I feel better. Don't want to add another layer to my meds. I have tried melatonin pills. Really inexpensive. Just the hormone. Drs.suggested I could take up to 3mgs. Other Dr. said up to 10mg. You take it with lots of water as it does dehydrate. Take it and turn out the lights. 10 to 20 minutes later your eyes get really heavy, close them and you relax and try and catch that wave of sleep. Maybe belly breathe. And you are asleep. Maybe ask your doctor about that. And remember there is only one wave so catch it within minutes of taking the melatonin. Be ready to sleep then. Don't read or message. Vibes.

[Eko]

9. My mom died of cancer just 3 weeks ago.

I got there one day late. Between rushing there and then family and then coming back to work it doesn't seem real at all. I feel like I never got to say goodbye. I'm going to have to figure out how to do that, somehow, someday. But its hard to loose your mom who is one of your best friends and then to be responsible for over 20 people every day at work. I don't eat much, sleep much, do any of the same things I did before. Its a slow crash and I honestly don't care. I cant even cry over it, all I can do is live with this numbing like sadness that I wake up to and go to sleep to everyday. I know what to do, I just don't want to do it because that would really mean goodbye forever to my mom, and I cant do that yet.

[Locut0s]

17. *hugs* I can offer no more than that which I wish to receive...

I do not know the horror of losing my parents, and I do not pretend to know. I will not pretend to know how you are feeling.

All I can say is that I know what it feels like to suffer in my own way.

Have you seen a therapist? If you can I recommend it.

I have typed and deleted 2 or 3 paragraphs tying to think of what to say. Each time realizing that while I’m sure what I have to say sounds correct and meaningful it means nothing, most likely serving more to assuage myself that I’ve said something smart. The truth is that the only thing that will heal your wounds is time. But please allow time in to do its work, don’t close yourself off to EVERYTHING.

All I can offer is that which I wish to receive myself, *hugs*.

[Eko]

27. Hugs back at you.

A lot of times it's not what you said, but that you said it. Thank you for that. I'm always here if you want to talk also. They have 7-11's in Canada? I thought that was a southern US thing, lived a lot in the south and am now in PA. I read some of your posts, Im in my early forties and didnt settle on a career until the past couple of years, you just keep on keeponing and you will end up where you end up and hopefully you find out like I did that its better than what you were thinking of anyways. One of my favorite sayings is "Life happens, pretty much no matter what you do". People may feel like events are so important that they forget that their life is still happening and will continue and in the meantime ride that sucker the best you can. That's what important. That's all you can do. Anyways, I'm sure none of this will help in any meaningful way really, but at least I said it lol. Keep on keeponing.
Eko.

[WhiteTara]

20. My dear Eko

grief is a master that lets us go when it is ready. My mother died 6 years ago and I miss her daily. I got to be with her during her last moments. But life is really surreal, isn't it? Everything seems normal but nothing is. I took me a few weeks or so for that feeling to dissipate and for me to be back with the living.

I said prayers for the dead and wished my mother a more fortunate rebirth of loving family and greater understanding.

Do NOT take your life. That is cruel to the ones left behind and they will all believe forever that they failed you. My dear friend killed himself 2 weeks ago and as I pray for him through the Bardo, I fight my anger that he left and didn't need to, everything changes and so will your grief.

[Eko]

25. Thanks,

My father died in 2012, that was hard but I was able to say bye to him in a way he would have loved. I believe the problem is I haven't figured out a way to say bye to her and I don't really want to. Grief is a hard master indeed that only lets us go when we are ready, I agree. Thanks for your kind words, I really appreciate it. As for the last part, no worries on that.

[WhiteTara]

26. The first 49 days after a person leaves their body

are very important as that is the time it generally takes to find one's next birth...this is called the Bardo and you might want to light a candle and say prayers for her next life that it might be more fortunate than even this one. Also, it will help focus your grief into a positive action for her.

[Eko]

28. Ach, Im an athiest.

But I did think about doing it, I think that sounds really cool. I even thought about doing it just to do it, just for the action of it even though I wouldn't believe in it, hopefully I am not offending you at all and if so I sincerely apologize. I think this part is golden though "help focus your grief into a positive action for her." and maybe I can figure out something from that. Thank you very much for your thoughts, advice and kind words, I really appreciate it. Im going to have to look up this Bardo, I love learning about new things. (I looked it up, couldn't help it), Tibetan Buddhism, cool. You should do a daily Tibetan Buddhism post in the Religion group, I think that would be cool and I would love to read them. Thanks again,
Eko.

[WhiteTara]

29. Okay. I forgot that. It took me awhile to use that word

I really meant...the 6 syllable mantra. OM MANI PADME HUM

Those are the sounds of the universe and they comfort the dead and ring the vibrations of the universal music. The candle is for stilling your mind That was I really meant to say. I'm sorry I intruded into your grief and caused you agitation. You don't need that.

[Eko]

30. No agitation whatsoever.

I have no clue what you are saying you forgot, I just thought what you said sounds cool. Seriously. Thanks for the conversation, and please feel free to share what you have. I appreciate it!. And now I had to look up the OM MANI PADME HUM , pretty cool stuff, just in those two things you are helping open my mind and I really think the "help focus your grief into a positive action for her." is the best advice I have heard yet, by far. Thank you very, very much.
Eko.

[WhiteTara]

31. the word I forgot was atheist...so many

have such a deep belief that I try to be sensitive of that and said prayer when I don't believe in that myself...except to help focus the mind.

Sometimes I come off as a know it all and that is so offensive to me that I was afraid I had washed that all over you!

edit to add: I'm glad that I was more helpful than harmful...to me Buddhism is a thought system that is so detailed, analytical and thought provoking. I study Mahayana because I have always believed that no one is free unless everyone is and Mahayana is what the Dalai Lama teaches and he is my teacher's "boss."

[Phentex]

22. This is the lounge but what an important thread!

I remember your threads about your life situation and mental health and I am sorry that your friend's struggle is triggering more struggles for you. I, too, lost someone recently and wanted to post but wasn't even sure how or where. The responses in this thread have given me much insight on the different sides (as the friend or relative or coworker). Thank you for this. I think others have given you much better advice than I could but I wanted to thank you for putting this out here.