A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer.

[mac56]

The bartender sets the beer in front of him, along with a bowl of peanuts. While the guy sips on his beer he suddenly hears a voice:

"Dude, you are looking sharp today. That haircut makes you look ten years younger. Have you been working out?"

The guy looks around nervously, sees nobody is there, and then realizes the voice is coming out of the bowl of peanuts.

"The color of that shirt really brings out your eyes," continues the bowl of peanuts. "Yeah, buddy, you are one sharp looking dude."

Extremely puzzled, the guy decides on a distraction. He walks over to the jukebox and puts in a couple of quarters. Then suddenly, the jukebox says:

"God, you're a jerk. You are such a jerk. Everybody knows it. You're stupid, you're a loser, you're inept, and NOBODY LIKES YOU."

Now completely freaked out, the guy walks over to the bartender and asks, "What's going on here?"

"Ah yes," replies the bartender. "The peanuts are complimentary, but the jukebox is out of order."

[zanana1]

1. Oh no.

It begins.

A guy is walking down the street and he sees a stranger taking a gate
from his neighbor's yard. When asked why he didn 't do anything about it, he said "I was going to say something, but I was afraid he'd take offense."

[GeorgeHayduke]

2. The wife

Of a string theorist walks in oh him in bed with another woman. He says to her "honey, I can explain everything".

[Iggo]

3. I was walking down the street the other day...

...when a guy jumps out in front of me and shouts, "Most people who claim to be deaf are actually faking it!!!"

I told him, "I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that."