The Onion: 62-Year-Old With Gun Only One Standing Between Nation And Full-Scale Government Takeover

[geefloyd46]

NORFOLK, VA—According to numerous reports, local 62-year-old Earl Bailey, who owns a shotgun and several boxes of ammunition, is currently the last bastion of defense between the United States of America and the federal government’s plot of a full-scale takeover.

Bailey, a recent retiree and a proud advocate of gun rights, has been confirmed by multiple sources as being a true patriot, and is, at present, the only person capable of preventing top-secret forces within the government from striking and forcefully coercing hundreds of millions of Americans to submit to a fascist and brutal New World Order.

Since the early 1990s, sources estimated the gun owner has staved off innumerable large-scale government threats, all from the center of his 12-acre ranch.

“It is every American’s right to be good and armed, and that’s a right that should always be protected,” said Bailey, now the sole American protecting the nation from the government’s hidden plot of disarming all citizens, gradually gaining control of the mass media, and installing martial law throughout the nation’s streets. “Our Founding Fathers intended for each and every one of us to protect ourselves from tyranny. That’s what America is all about.”

“What happens when the feds show up at your front door and start telling you how much meat you can eat or how to raise your kids?” continued the lifetime NRA member, brandishing the very weapon that now serves as the final hope of staving off a totalitarian state. “Is that the future you want?”

Bailey, who keeps his gun on his person at all times and regularly patrols his property in his truck, has reportedly struck dread into the very highest-ranking members of the U.S. government. According to sources, top government and military officials are fully aware that they remain unable to commence with their oppressive, systematic subjugation of the American populace as long as the 62-year-old owner of a rifle exists.

Full story here: http://laborspains.blogspot.com/2013/01/from-onion-62-year-old-with-gun-only.html

Originally published: http://www.theonion.com/articles/62yearold-with-gun-only-one-standing-between-natio,30984/

[rzemanfl]

1. First it's a shotgun, then it's a rifle....

Does the Onion think this is satire or what? You wouldn't see a mistake like that in the American Rifleman, that's for sure.

[Iggo]

6. DEFINITIONS!!!

WORDS MEAN THINGS!!!

[longship]

2. The Onion, as usual, is on target (so to speak)! nt

[TxDemChem]

3. I read this this morning and couldn't stop laughing

Sadly too many people see themselves as this character. They would read the article and at least believe part of it. Although I love the Onion article about the guy talking about what he thinks the Constitution says

[BowlLikeAChicken]

4. I live in Norfolk

Born & raised in NYC. Also an avid listener to secular and religious radio for decades (with boxes of cassette tapes to prove it).

As usual the Onion is not as far from the actuality as many would like to think.

[uriel1972]

5. I loved the article (not from The Onion)

That reported that 'The Onion' had given up because they couldn't make what was happening in the world more absurd than it actually was. I wish I had kept a copy.