BREAKING: 9 year old Dylan (everybody calls him Pickle) writes to Trump about Mueller indictments.
BREAKING NEWS, NO LINK YET. 
Upon learning that Robert Mueller had filed charges and that arrests were expected on Monday, a clearly troubled Dylan took pen in hand once again and wrote to President Trump.
My name is Dylan, but everybody still calls me Pickle. I was watching my cartoons this afternoon and in the middle a reporter came on and said a very bad man wanted to hurt you. They said that some of your friends, and maybe even you, are going to jail. I cried and cried and cried and am still crying.
Why would this bad man want to hurt you? Since you are the president, can't you fire him? And if you can't, can you ask Mr. Rosenstein to fire him for you? I would hate to see anything stop you from making America great again. Other bad people say that all you do is play golf and tweet and eat and watch TV. I think you work very hard and all you care about is our great country. I wish you wouldn't work so hard. I wish you could take just a little time to do some fun things that make you happy. Maybe you could spend more time with your family and have a picnic or something. I know Barron, Don Jr., Ivanka, and Eric would appreciate it. I think you have another child too but I can't remember her name. I'll bet you can, though!
My big brother told me that you were going to prison to make license plates. If that happens, I will be old enough to drive in 7 years. Will you send me a license plate? I would like it to say "PickleMAGA."
I also heard that another man who used to be president likes to tell ladies jokes and put his hand on their bum. That is why I love you so much. A bum is a special place and I know you would never do that. I have learned so much from you about how to respect ladies. I hope that when I am old enough to have a girlfriend, I can also meet a former model from Slovenia and live with her in a nice house and make lots of babies. I plan to name them Don, Eric, Ivanka, Barron, and if you can get back to me on the name of your other child I'll name one after her too.
I love you so much President Trump. I think about you every day. You are the best president ever. Don't let this mean man hurt you. It is only Saturday. You have two days to do something about it before he hurts you. Hurt him first. Bigly.
All my love,
Dylan
= new reply since forum marked as read
But I am very humbled that the satire pieces I write and post here are often compared favorably to his, as well as The Onion.
Thank you.
I enjoy writing them and don't plan to stop...too much good raw material!
It's too stupid to believe 
udderly speechless.
This is Borowitz, correct? Hunter Thompson back from the grave? 
Any time I begin a post with:
Breaking News, No Link Yet
...I wrote it.
I'd still like for you to take it seriously, though.
You saved little "Pickles" from a well-deserved beating.
this is hysterical, and I really needed a laugh right now.. Send it to the Onion!
You are good - bigly! 
Haven't you heard? Satire is dead! So are irony, cynicism, and caricature! Andy, The Onion, and SNL have all finally been taken off of life support (couldn't keep up the copays). There is no truth to the rumor that Fox News is being investigated for shooting them in the head and lighting them on fire.
Toole and Danziger were last seen being arrested on Fifth Avenue for desperately tagging Trump Tower. Said Danziger, "It was supposed to be funny! But then Breitbart scooped me. Who knew the president really did hire a hooker to piss all over Michelle's vegetable garden!?"
As the White House press corps gathered for an emergency briefing on the matter, Sarah Sanders spontaneously combusted and was immediately replaced with a life-sized cardboard image of Bill O'Reilly drooling into a loofa.
