To all women: It's not your fault. It's never your fault.

[MineralMan]

It's the man's fault. If you did not enthusiastically consent, it's the man's fault. If you were temporarily unable to consent, it's the man's fault. If you gave in after endless whining, it's the man's fault. If you were intoxicated, it's the man's fault.

If some man takes what was not given willingly and gladly, it's that man's fault, and his alone.

You are the only person who has the agency to consent. If you did not give your consent freely and with enthusiasm, it is always the man's fault.

That's the rule. If the rule is ignored, that's the man's fault. No exceptions.

[B2G]

1. Thank you.

I so needed to hear this. Intellectually, I know that.

Years of victim blaming can take it's toll.

[samnsara]

2. thank you..that was well said. I hope some victims will find..

...your words comforting.

[MineralMan]

4. What I hope is that men who read it recognize the truth of it.

The rule is simple. Men who ignore that rule are criminals, plain and simple. Everyone knows the rule. It's not a secret. Some men simply do not follow that simple rule. There should be consequences for that. Serious consequences.

[LuckyCharms]

3. Absolutely unequivocally right. n/t

[PJMcK]

5. Exceptionally well written (n/t)

[SonofDonald]

6. Yup, it's the mans fault every time

It doesn't matter what their excuse is, there is no excuse, when a man rapes or assaults a woman he's guilty of rape or assault.

And being a major piece of shit who should be in jail.

PERIOD.

[InAbLuEsTaTe]

7. This needs to be repeated LOUDLY and OFTEN!!!

No more excuses for these cretins; no more dismissing women's complaints against them. These creeps need a symbolic "swift kick to the balls" by using all measures available through the criminal justice system.

[MineralMan]

8. I agree. This rule needs to be taught firmly to everyone.

Men need to clearly understand it from childhood. Women need to understand that it is their unmistakable right to consent or not consent and should expect that rule to always be honored by men. When it is not honored, everyone should make sure that the men who do not honor the rule face consequences.

[Doreen]

9. Thanks MM. It is nice to know there are good smart men out there

who know the truth.

[MineralMan]

10. My father explained that rule to me as soon as puberty hit me.

He made it very, very clear. I heard and understood.

[Rainngirl]

11. Bless you. eom

[LuckyCharms]

12. I would like to respond again because I was actually pondering this earlier...

This is not exactly what your OP is saying, but it is related.

I learned that you do not touch another person (man or woman) in any meaningful way unless you are sure it welcomed.

I think that it is common when having a close conversation with someone for example, to lightly touch their hand or arm while talking. To me, this seems like an intuitive gesture when the conversation is going well. However, if you are going to do this, you should probably be sure that the person is ok with it...you can usually pick up on their body language if they are not.

As far as more aggressive forms of touching such as putting your arm around someone or kissing them, you should have more certainty that they will not feel violated. To me, it's simple. If you are with someone and you want to kiss them, I never understood why as adults, people don't just smile and say "I feel like we should kiss. Would that be ok"? "Do you mind if I put my arm around you"? There is nothing wrong with doing this, and it gives the other person a chance to say they don't want to be touched.

As far as "grabbing" someone...you better be damn sure you know the person really well. Then you better be sure they will welcome it. Better yet, maybe never "grab".

I've been guilty of trying to hug someone because she had aggressive cancer and was all beat up from the chemo. She freaked out when I tried to hug her, and our history was such where I had no idea that she would not be receptive to a hug. After a subsequent discussion with her, it turns out that she just hated being touched, by anyone. It was wrong of me to attempt to hug her without asking first. Ever since this experience, I feel compelled to always ask before touching someone. I have always been a hugger, and as such, I never thought a thing about hugging someone. But we sometimes we (I) take for granted how other people feel about being touched in any way. BTW, I think all is gender neutral. make sure a man is ok with it, and make sure a woman is ok with it.

[MineralMan]

13. Yes. The rule applies pretty much to all physical contact.

I'm focused on sexual interactions, because that's in the news just now. You're right, though, it really applies to all physical contact with other people.

When it comes to relationships between men and woman, the situation can be more highly charged. I remember my very first girlfriend, when we were both just 14 years old. I asked her if I could hold her hand as we walked. She answered by taking my hand. I never asked if I could kiss her, because she kissed me first. And so it went, for the two years we were a young teen couple. I asked or she took the initiative. Always. There was never any question about whether there was consent. It was all mutual, tentative and as gradual as molasses that had been kept in the freezer.

And so it has been in every relationship I've been in. Consent was either obviously enthusiastic or there was no assuming of consent. Sometimes there was asking and sometimes there was her initiative. It all seemed pretty simple, really. If you're a couple, you do things you both want to do, from the very beginning. If it's not clear, asking clarifies. I never saw any other way to be that made any sense.

[LuckyCharms]

14. I agree. Sometimes there is no question...

But a lot of times, situations arise when it is not clear.

[MineralMan]

15. People need to communicate with each other.

About everything that involves more than one person. We have voices. We can say how we feel about things. "Not yet," means "Maybe later." "Yes, that" means "it's OK." "Would it be OK if I...?" can be answered "Yes" or "no." No big deal, really. Everything is so much better when both people want whatever it is to happen.

Relationships are complicated, at times, and physical relationships are always changing. Communication and respect are the keys to it all.

[LuckyCharms]

16. Yes, it seems that sometimes people feel a sense of...

...I don't know the right word, but it is kind of like a sense of embarrassment or something to verbalize their wishes. Communication is indeed key, and usually all it takes is a simple question and a simple answer.

[MineralMan]

17. I think a lot of men believe that they have to "seduce"

women. I think many men believe that what they want to do is "nasty" or something, and that they have to convince women to let them do those "nasty" things. I don't know. It never made any sense to me. Maybe I just met women who were unusual in some way, because mutual interest always seemed to be there. I don't think my experience was unusual, though. I think we're all sort of interested in reproductive behavior. Biology or something, I guess.