Thoughts on GoFundMe?

[Lucky Luciano]

A very good friend's brother recently experienced a horrible tragedy. His wife died giving birth to his second child - a daughter who had to be in neonatal care for a month, but she is now going to be fine. He is a well liked guy and his wife was well liked too (I did not met her). So far they have raised over $70K from 600+ people.

His friends and family set up a gofundme page for his family to make a trust for his two children. I was telling my wife that I wanted to donate, but she pushed back aggressively. She is utterly disgusted by the idea of people having their hands out to collect money as if it money will be a comfort for a dead spouse who should be in the prime of her life. He has a decent job and he owns a house, etc. Why does he need money she wants to know. Despicable in her opinion. Undignified. The right answer is to say that the thoughts are appreciated, but the money is not.

My wife was disgusted the last time I donated to a gofundme - a good friend from high school who only makes about $50K had to raise $7,000 for his dog's cancer treatment. I donated $100. My wife was disgusted when he didn't even send a thank you card (she is Japanese - these sorts of etiquette miscues definitely don't go unnoticed by her). The dog is free of cancer now though.

She would rather donate to the cause of Harvey victims as they truly need the money - my wife wants to know why I want to donate to a friend's brother who has a good job etc. My wife said she would turn down all monetary donations (except from family), be thankful and dignified, and then do whatever it takes to survive.

I will feel like a major asshole for not donating though.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

1. I think you should donate to whomever you want, but don't feel guilty if you don't.

Generosity and its motivation shouldn't be weighed. If you want to help a friend in some way, just do it. If you don't think it's appropriate or maybe they don't need it, or for any other reason, you don't have to feel guilty about not contributing.

[politicaljunkie41910]

23. I agree with you. What some people don't understand is that just because he has a good job,

it doesn't mean that this tragedy hasn't changed or won't impact on his life, and lifestyle in the days, weeks, and years to come. As a result of his wife's premature death, he now has a premature infant child in the hospital who needs his presence, and a second child, not sure of his age (post didn't say) who needs comforting and who will need his father's presence now at home, as well. If the deceased wife was a stay at home mother, that role will have to be replaced by someone else so that the father could continue to provide financially for his family. Since the death was unexpected, the Father is in a stage of grieving as well, and it will probably take him a while to get his house in order and deal with his children's needs, before he can grieve for himself. His older child lost his mother as well, and that child will need time to grieve for that loss as well. Sure there may be family members in the community, but there might not be. It will be a blessing if there are. If the father had a good job he might have also worked long hours to make that good income or had to travel for his job, something he could have done with the luxury of a stay at home wife, but may not be able to without her there in his work absence.

So people should not be so quick to judge someone else. These funds are voluntary, and people who give in these types of matters can do their own due diligence when deciding whether or not this is a cause they want to donate to. It is their money and they receive their blessing based on their good intentions and their good deeds, not how the story ends down the road. Can we all just be happy that these types of non-cynical people still exist, instead of providing fodder for them to be always skeptical and thought of as potential fools?

[nini]

2. I'm kinda with her at times but I have given to some funds

I judge them on their merits and it sounds like that guy needs more emotional help it sounds than money at this point.

I think some people don't know what to do to help others so that's become the go to place. Now if the wife had survived and he had to take time off work to care for her etc.. then absolutely help out.

It's a tough call - so like I said each case on its merits then do what you want. If you want to donate then do so.

[Lucky Luciano]

9. I like your post.

It probably is true that he needs more emotional support. It has been utterly devastating for him and their 3 year old son.

It is probably also true that I will donate because I just don't know what else to do, but I feel the need to acknowledge in some way.

He has been in my thoughts a lot - particularly because my own wife had a tough childbirth requiring an emergency c-section after her blood pressure and my infant son's dropped very fast. He has a big head and she has a very small birth canal - he was blocked from coming out without something tragic occurring unless there was an intervention.

[nini]

13. wow.. glad your situation turned out ok too

There is never anything wrong with helping others in any way you want.

[cwydro]

3. There have been some scams right here.

I'd be very careful.

[Lucky Luciano]

6. I know him well. Not a scam. nt

[cwydro]

8. Then it's all good. nt

[cos dem]

4. I recently had a friend pass away. I sent money to a fund for his kids' education.

I have not received, nor do I expect, an acknowledgement. I did it because I know it's possibly the only thing he would be worried about whether his wife would be able to take care of, I have the means, and it was the right thing to do. I don't regret it.

[Lucky Luciano]

12. Yes - ultimately it is a trust for his two kids.

[justhanginon]

5. Sometimes it does seem like, "thoughts, prayers and gofund me account".

Most people these days have limited funds available for charitable giving and I think one should be careful as to what the actual needs are and will that donation have the most impact for good. Sometimes we let our emotions override our rational side.

[Corgigal]

7. DUers donated funds to me

When my corgi dog, SugarBear had to have a major surgery. I will never forget that and she lived to 13 and a half years old. She had the surgery when she was 7, so DUers, who don't really know me but was touched that I may lose my corgi dog felt bad for me. One person, who did NOT want any attention donated 500 dollars. I was floored.

So when SugarBear had her surgery I posted up a thread with her sleeping with her IV bandage on her front leg asleep by the Christmas tree and thanked everyone who offered anything. She was my best friend and I now donate to other people. I donated some funds today to assist people and pets in Houston. I don't know how they will use it, but I have a little extra funds and I know some people helped me years ago, I remember.. if you can help, you should. We're the people who have empathy, or we would be trump voters.

[IphengeniaBlumgarten]

10. It seems OK for causes, but may be questionable for individuals

I recall donating to rebuild a mosque that had been destroyed by arson. I felt that was an appropriate use of the site.

I am less comfortable with individuals asking for donations. It seem like just one step better than standing at an intersection with a begging sign. I did donate once in such a case -- it was a relative -- but I found her story and her $-goal a little exaggerated.

[demmiblue]

11. Decide on an annual amount of money that you, as a couple, would like to include in your budget...

to use for charity/worthy causes. You decide where half of it will go, she decides the other half. No questions or commentary about where or what the other chooses to do with said money.

[Not Ruth]

14. Most of the time, people donate to make themselves feel better, rather than to effect anything else

Monetary donations are easier to make, labor donations are difficult. He is not asking for money because he needs or wants money, he is helping those that want to give.

Do what you want.

[bettyellen]

15. GoFund me is fine. It's up to you to respond, your wife needs to respect her deeply ingrained

Feelings about this are largely culturally based ideas that are more about how thinks look, or should work, rather than what they are. Families can help, but not friends? Does that mean family must help- no matter what? Where does that leave people who are already unfortunate enough to have no family - or no family able to help? Such ideas may have worked for many but were also needlessly cruel to others. These days many have friends they consider and treat like family- and that's to be celebrated!


I've worked with some people who had old Asian idea of dignity and karma and they were pretty extreme, and in their own way quite rude. I was told they believe my Mom had dementia because she was a cruel person. ot was a punishment. Ugh, how screwy.
I was also told, when sending email thank yous w a nice message -two days after her funeral- that it was time to get over it. I know these people were just sort of regurgitating what they learned growing up, and it's hard to let go of, but damn. I know if they had looked at my life they'd be appalled at how much I dosobeyed my mom too. Whatever. I'm just saying that it's worth examining these cultural rules she grew up with and whether they're kind, relevant or really fit your shared values.

LYou have your own reasons for wanting to help others, she has her own reasons to be concerned where your limits are. You guys have a kid, I think? She maybe taking the whole "family first" ethos a little more seriously now because of that.
Worth exploring with her what generosity and philanthropy mean to the both of you.

[True Dough]

16. If you know the person and are confident

then I don't see a problem donating.

I recently sent money to a Gofundme account for a fellow I know who has been diagnosed with terminal stage 4 cancer. He has a wife and two young children.

On the other hand, another friend set up a Gofundme campaign to raise money for her adult boyfriend when he decided to go back to school to get a degree. I thought that was tacky. Even worse, several weeks later he proposed to her and they splashed pictures of the big honking rock he gave her all over Facebook. Really? You couldn't afford tuition and books but you bought that diamond ring? Did some of the Gofundme money go towards that gem? Just so wrong!!!

[catrose]

17. I'm with you

Even a nominal amount would show your support & recognition of his suffering. He may have a good job but even with insurance, his medical and funeral expenses could bankrupt him. And then caring for two small children as a single parent--go ahead, give him something. For weddings & holiday presents, I agree with your wife about thank yous, but I'm inclined to cut people some slack in the midst of tragedy and chaos.

[Wounded Bear]

19. I agree with that...

Emotional support is important, of course, but there is a practical side, too. The old tradition of a feast/pot luck after a death is a way of providing material support as well as emotional. GoFundMe sounds like it could be an extension of that. Bill collectors and creditors won't be providing much emotional support.

Of course, be careful, the main problem with things like GoFundMe is that it is relatively easy to scam on it. In this case, where the recipient is known, I see no problem with sharing what you can.

[Weekend Warrior]

18. This says worlds.

"She is utterly disgusted by the idea of people having their hands out to collect money as if it money will be a comfort for a dead spouse who should be in the prime of her life."

I imagine that wat followed by a rant about welfare queens or about how you just have to turn to Jesus.

[Not Ruth]

20. GoFundMe takes a fair size fee, better off just handing your friend cash

[mnhtnbb]

21. Just because your wife expects to martyr herself should a disaster happen to her

doesn't mean that you should not help the brother of a very good friend when he has suddenly become a widower with
two children to raise.

Things have changed. It used to be it only took one income to support a family. It used to be that there were life insurance
policies on breadwinners to financially provide for the family in case of death.

If you are uncomfortable making a donation when your wife doesn't support the concept, perhaps it is time for a talk about
each of you having some funds of your own to spend as you wish.

[bathroommonkey76]

22. There were scammers on DU that were busted a few months ago using a GoFundMe account

If you search "Corey Baker" on DU you'll see the threads.

Ever since that happened on here I have been wary of those handout sites. There are people who fake illnesses all over the world raking in money 24/7- I grew suspicious of some pro-Trump accounts on Twitter a couple of months ago asking for donations for a "sick" person with cancer. I decided to report them to Twitter and GFM- Three of those accounts were suspended by Twitter and GoFundMe for trying to scam people out of money.

I guess it's fine if you know the person, but if you don't know them I'd think twice about giving a handout to some random stranger.