Alas, Poor Mooch...
Well, shit. Kind of a slow news day, huh?
Yeah, I seriously scanned my notes, thought, “slow day, I might not even post tonight.” A day like this would’ve made newspapers spontaneously combust in any other administration of my lifetime, but it struck me, for a moment, as almost not interesting enough to comment on.
Standards…they change, do they not?
The Shart of the Deal threw himself a little Twitter tantrum over the weekend, targeting Senators in his own party, bitching about their inability to heartlessly toss millions of citizens off the rolls of the insured, calling them “total fools” and “quitters” and “pathetic losers that Salma Hayek refuses to date,” not that he’s ever projecting when he criticizes people.
He sent Mick Mulvaney out to suggest that the Senate shouldn’t do anything else, pass no budgets, raise no debt ceilings, name nary a Post Office, until they deliver the Obama-shafting triumph that Il Douche is so very desperate for. “I only even RAN for President because a black guy laughed at me!” tantrumed the Shart, pitching his ice cream at the wall, “When do I get to repeal something Obama diiiiiiiiid?”
The President then sobbed for a bit, crapped his pants, and finally curled up for a nap in Steve Bannon’s office, on the couch that smells like gin.
Senators responded to SCROTUS’ demands with a rousing “Nah,” because nobody respects or fears his comically ineffectual White House anymore, which is pretty typical for six months in, right?
Aging detective novel murderer Orrin Hatch even gave an interview saying “Jesus Fuck, have you MET the Senate Republican caucus? Tell you what, YOU sit in a room with Ted Cruz and Rand Paul for ten minutes without killing yourself, let alone figuring out complex policy shit. Fuck you man, I miss Ted Kennedy,” before punching himself in the temple until he passed out.
(How bad is it for Team Shart? Shit, even cartoonishly-Republican-leaning Rasmussen Reports has his approval/disapproval at 39/61 today, with a paltry 26% strongly approving. Given Ras’ conservative bias, that means Drumpf’s actual support is down to just gun store owners, Uncles Who Don’t Get Invited to Thanksgiving Anymore, and That One Gym Teacher Who Got Fired For Putting a Camera in the Locker Room.)
Paul Ryan took a few shots of his own, saying his House of Representatives is the only arm of government that’s working, I guess because they passed a shit bill with 17% approval that will annihilate his majority and end his speakership in a year and half, despite never ever ever becoming law. LEADERSHIP!
Oh hell, didja see that thing where a bunch of the lying, thieving, murdering, scumfucks in the Shittiest Cabinet Ever have themselves a little Bible study group? For fuck’s sake, if it’s not these dirtbags gathered in a circle, quaking in fear over their own rapidly-approaching damnation, they must be working from a different Bible than the one I remember from Sunday school. Seriously…Sessions, Perry, Pruitt, DeVos, Perdue, Price and Pompeo? Hope they meet in a lightning-proof room.
Oh, I see that America’s Toughest Sheriff, excuse me, Surliest Jagoff, Joe Arpaio went and got himself convicted of criminal contempt! Arizona Joe faces up to six months in prison, no word on whether he’ll be forced to serve it wearing pink panties in the blazing sun. Me, I think six months locked in a Lollapalooza outhouse oughtta reform the old fucker. Couldn’t happen to a nastier old fuckhead, so congrats!
And speaking of shitty things happening to shitty people, the Mooch got canned, before he could even lay claim to Sean Spicer’s contraband mini-fridge! One minute you’re sweeping rivals out of the White House, giddily preparing to manipulate the Idiot Manchild Occupying the Oval Office for your own ends, the next you’re divorced, unemployed, and the single most mocked man in America! Life comes atcha FAST, amiright?
Mooch’s defenestration allegedly came at the behest of shiny new Chief of Staff, John Kelly. CNN celebrated Kelly’s swearing-in by publishing a report claiming he almost resigned over Jazzy Jim Comey’s firing. I bet that’ll make his new boss super-happy, and that they’ll go on to pass tons of legislation together, and make America great, and that Dorito Mussolini will never, ever, EVER throw his new toy general under the bus, because he’s changed now, and he really loves you, John.
Foreign Policy tells us that Jared Kushner is leaning HARD into the how-could-we-have-colluded-look-how-fucking-stupid-we-are-I-stabbed-myself-in-the-face-six-times-just-trying-to-eat-a-salad defense. While I don’t expect this to work in the end, to his credit Jar-Jar plays the Massive Blundering Dumbass part convincingly enough to earn De Niro’s envy.
Jeff Flake, Junior Senator from Arizona, decided to escalate his war with the Marmalade Shartcannon, throwing down the gauntlet in a Politico editorial. Now, smarter folks than me are saying “Hey, words are kewl, Jeff, but what’re you gonna DO?” but considering Shartboy has already threatened to finance a primary challenger for Flake, this is certainly a subplot worth following. Is this posturing, or is the GOP finally starting to seriously turn on the Anthropomorphic Outhouse? Time will tell.
What’s this now? A late-breaking WaPo story sez that Shart Jr’s initial statement responding to the Failing New York Times’ story about his meeting with all those Russians and their anti-Hilldawg intel (you remember, the one that turned out to weapons-grade horseshit?) was personally dictated by Toupee Fiasco himself.
Now, ME, if I were under investigation for obstruction of justice, I’d probably be a little more careful about, y’know…OBSTRUCTING JUSTICE, but then I am not a freakishly-tiny-fingered, too-long-tie-wearing, bloated rectal tumor of a human being, so what do I know?
Aaaaaand, just when you think you’re done laughing at the clowns for the day, along comes Jake Tapper with an encore. Diet Rambo reports that a British digital prankster, a veritable e-Pagliacci* tricked a number of Shart House officials into believing s/he was other Shart House officials, because we are being governed by the dumbest fucks walking the fucking planet. Jon Huntsman, Eric Trump, Homeland Security Advisor Tom Bossert, and the dearly departed Mooch were among the puddin’-headed victims. I’m sure these people can handle North Korea. Sleep tight.
And Corey Lewandowski got fired. That’s nice. Did you get fired today? No? See, you’re having a better day than Lewandowski or Scaramucci. You deserve a cupcake. With sprinkles.
I’m sure I missed some shit. It was a slow news day, I let my guard down. Did I see Jill Stein made an ass of herself? Fuck it, I’m going to bed. Maybe I can Rip Van Winkle this shit, wake up when the lunacy has passed…
…like I’d be that lucky. Anyhow. VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS. Shower Cap out.
* That’s just about the highfalutinest joke I could ever hope to make. Tip your waitstaff.
= new reply since forum marked as read
Don't ever let this thought cross your mind:
“slow day, I might not even post tonight.”
I was already having "Ferret" withdrawal.
Other than resorting to throwing still occupied deck chairs overboard in an attempt to refloat the SS Trumptanic... Lighten the load, I guess. (Dudes, a FYI... That only works with Zeppelins.)
Not much.
We'd better keep our eyes peeled... I feel a big tangerine shoe drop coming on.
The bad news today was a record spike in busted guts and incontinence. The good? Few reports of the need to administer laughing gas to the victims of the mysterious malady.
Other than that, I've got nothing. 
Good to see you out and about, TF. Thanks yet again.
BWAAAHAAAAHAAAAAA
Here I sit, drinking my coffee, proud as fuck I got your highfalutinest joke. You rock! And the entire piece was epic as always.
Who ferrets TheFerret?
Rec
Soooooooo glad I stopped in this morning, since I went to bed too early to see your fab post.
Laughing till the tears came!
Thank You.
This was my personal favorite:
"Foreign Policy tells us that Jared Kushner is leaning HARD into the how-could-we-have-colluded-look-how-fucking-stupid-we-are-I-stabbed-myself-in-the-face-six-times-just-trying-to-eat-a-salad defense."
