Homeland Security is not happy with your calls about space aliens. (Ha!!!)

[Equinox Moon]

April 27, 2017

Yesterday, the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) announced the opening of a hotline meant for victims of crimes committed by “criminal aliens,” a term used by the agency to describe criminal immigrants.

The phone banks began lighting up almost immediately. But to the great dismay of DHS officials, it appears many callers took the agency’s words at face value, and are making use of the hotline to report encounters with criminal aliens…of the extraterrestrial variety.

https://thinkprogress.org/dhs-mad-9f9cffd030f4


What's the number? I want to call!

[dalton99a]

1. Please continue to report the dangerous aliens

including any spaceship information

[El Mimbreno]

20. Get their license plate number. nt

[Demsrule86]

23. I called yesterday and will do so again...let's shut that naziesque hotline down.

I told them there were little green men with orange hair running around with a saucer shaped hoverboard.

[Flaleftist]

47. Sometimes my dogs bark at the door and there is nothing there

It might be space aliens. I think I should report it.

[TreasonousBastard]

2. Fuck 'em. We're not happy with homeland security either.

[kydo]

50. Message deleted by DU the Administrators

[riversedge]

3. As Jeff Sessions would say-Nobody has a sense of humor anymore!!

[Throck]

4. Tell Homeland: UP URANUS.

[Mendocino]

5. Men in Black was visionary!

[Equinox Moon]

56. Yes it was!

[Volaris]

6. Good fuck donald.

[demigoddess]

31. what do you mean?

good, fuck donald or
good fuck, donald

commas can save you

[Volaris]

38. The first one, sorry.

The more his own government hates working for him, the easier it will be to get rid of his worthless ass when the time comes.

[Coventina]

7. This makes my heart smile.

[Equinox Moon]

9. Me too! I love the wave of activism happening!

[tiredtoo]

8. number to call

1-8554886423
I called yesterday to report some aliens in my yard. I had planted grass, green grass. When i looked outside i spotted many yellow aliens in the yard.
Do not know if they came in over the wall or tunneled in but †hey have invaded my lawn. Also do not know if this is a crime but, my neighbors say it is.

[Equinox Moon]

10. Terrific!

Thanks for being one of the activist callers.

Love the story!

[El Mimbreno]

22. The Russians are coming!

We've been invaded by Russian thistle!! As well as by trump's cabinet - cheat grass!!

[dalton99a]

26. Aliens may disguise themselves as common yard insects

One can never be too careful

[burrowowl]

55. Thanks for number!

Love your call!

[randome]

11. One of my daughters was on hold last night trying to do this.

I haven't heard if she ever got through and I don't want to interrupt her while she's in class today so I guess I'll find out tonight or tomorrow.
[hr][font color="blue"][center]A ton of bricks, a ton of feathers, it's still gonna hurt.[/center][/font][hr]

[Equinox Moon]

12. Great. Please post what she told them - when you hear.

[randome]

49. She never got through.

I still give her an 'A' for effort. Now if she could only bring up her other grades...

[Equinox Moon]

52. A for effort is good.

[Phoenix61]

13. Well, we're even then

I'm not happy with them. I do think it's great the creative ways people are finding to jam their cogs. We need to remember what happened during prohibition. Alcohol was illegal yet consumption went up. We are subject to the law only to the extent we allow them to impose it upon us. Which, for better or worse, is why a truly unpopular law cannot be enforced.

[muntrv]

14. I'd like to report an orange alien at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

[treestar]

16. LOL!

[2naSalit]

21. Winner!

[Equinox Moon]

25. Good one!

[not fooled]

15. Well, look at the invasion of the White House

dump and lil' Jeffrey have a peculiarly inhuman look about them. Pod people??? Would explain a lot.



Edited to add: Ooh muntrv you and I had the same thought!

[HuskyOffset]

17. Who ya gonna call . . .

. . . if you've been, you know . . . probed? I call DHS to report all rectal intrusions, because, as they say: if you feel something, report something! MAGA: Make Anus Great Again (by kicking aliens out)

[Stallion]

30. Ghost Busters?

[mac56]

18. Here's my report

Well I saw the thing coming out of the sky.
It had one long horn and one big eye.
I commenced a-shakin' and I said oowee.
It looks like a purple people eater to me.
It was a one eyed one horn flying purple
People eater (times 3)

Sure looks strange to me.
ONE EYED!!!
Well he came down to earth and lived in a tree.
I said Mr purple people eater don't eat me.
I heard him say in a voice so proud
" I wouldn't eat you coz your so tough "

It was a one eyed one horn flying purple
People eater (times 3)

Sure looks strange to me.
ONE HORN!!!
I said Mr Puple people eater what's your life.
He said " its eating purple people and it sure is fine
But that's not the reason I came to live "
I want to get a job in a rock n roll band
I want to I want to iii want to rock n roll

Well brace my sole rock n roll flying purple people eater
Pigeon toed under grown flying purple people eater
We wear short shorts flying purple people eater
Sure looks strange to me.

And he swung from a tree and lived on the ground.
He started to rock really rocking around.
He was a crazy little diddy with a swinging tune saying a
Wa blabuma wap bam boo

Well brace my sole rock n roll flying purple
People eater
Pigeon toed under grown flying purple people eater
I like short shorts flying purple people eater
Sure looks strange to me
PURPLE PEOPLE!!!

And he went on his way And wat you knew
I saw him on a t.v shoe

He was blowing them out and really knocking them down.
Playing rock n roll music filled a hole in his head.

Purple people eater Purple purple people eater
Purple purple purple people eater

It was a one eyed one horn flying purple
People eater (times 3)

Sure looks strange to me.

[Equinox Moon]

24. Thanks! thats great.

Did you call and leave this on the voice mail of homeland security?

[Stallion]

28. Classic Rock-Used to Love that Song

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=flying+purple+people+eaters&view=detail&mid=3A7D50DC89872CC898B63A7D50DC89872CC898B6&FORM=VIRE

[randome]

35. I swear to God that song came up YESTERDAY on my randomized iPod!

[hr][font color="blue"][center]A ton of bricks, a ton of feathers, it's still gonna hurt.[/center][/font][hr]

[Atman]

19. ET stole my Reese's Pieces!

Fuck Homeland Security.

[dalton99a]

29. Missing items are often a sure sign of alien activity

[Stallion]

27. Think I'll Call and Complain About Italian Sausage and Canadian Bacon on my Pizza

nm

[DK504]

32. Dangerous aliens?

The only thing I can think of is :Gak!!! Gak!!! Gak!!! from "Mars Attacks."

Gak!

[mbusby]

33. I saw an alien and it was...

[rusty fender]

34. From a Redditor

[President Drumph] Don't forget those Klingons orbiting around Uranus.

[angstlessk]

42. I know, they disguise themselves as toilet paper....

it's a very good disguise, I must say!

[rusty fender]

48. Toilet paper is

the Klingon's cloaking device

[Doreen]

36. Ahh, now I know who to call about this

little grey fellow who keeps coming to my place and asking to phone home!!

[Doreen]

37. Maybe if we asked them if we can talk to captain kirk we will get somewhere.

[DinahMoeHum]

39. Hello, Homeland Security? I have an illegal alien to report. . .

. . .who has just committed a crime. . .and keeps committing it.

She is stealing several hundred thousand per day from the American people.
She lives in the penthouse in 725 Fifth Avenue, New York, NY (aka "Trump Tower&quot
She entered the US, and began working before obtaining the correct visa.
This means that she “engaged in fraud or willful misrepresentation in connection with any official matter or application before a government agency”.
I demand that she be arrested, made to pay restitution, and deported.
I don't know her name but you can find her at the above address on any given day.

Thank you.

[crazycatlady]

43. perfect

But give her name. Melania (Knaus?) Trump

[Equinox Moon]

44. Yes! Spot On!

[Orsino]

40. We're not happy with the president's fictional tales of aliens, either.

I propose a deal.

[smb]

41. Alien Reports

I have several reports to file, concerning:

1. An alien who repeatedly disrupts and sabotages the perfectly legitimate business operations of one of our greatest job creators (LexCorp).

2. An alien (apparently Chinese) who brazenly stole a load of laundry from a clothes line. He ought to be easy to identify; just look for the misshapen ears caused by a childhood accident with a mechanical rice-picker.

3. An alien who has somehow managed to impersonate the President, despite the laughably poor quality (ridiculous fiber mat of "hair", garish orange skin tone, absurdly undersized hands) of his human disguise.

[JustABozoOnThisBus]

45. We're gonna have to build a dome.

And get the extraterrestrials to pay for it.

[Equinox Moon]

46. Good one!

[ck4829]

51. Aww, that's really unfortunate. Please excuse me, I need to make a call.

[wildeyed]

53. Found one!

[Equinox Moon]

54. Ha!