My white teenager is dating a black teenager.

[tavernier]

I know the subject line sounds a bit melodramatic in this day and age, but I wanted to share my thoughts and feelings with my DU friends, because this has opened my eyes in all sorts of different ways.

As I said, my 19 year old granddaughter is in her first year in college and has recently started dating another freshman, who is African American.

She graduated highschool in a town in Indiana (in fact was homecoming queen), that had 0 students of color (any color besides lily white) in either their school or their town.

Surprise? Yes. But only because I hadn't thought about it. In our family a biracial couple is a first.

So... I guess I wasn't expecting this to be such an eye opening experience for us, and me.

I'm looking at things from a completely different angle than before.

The boyfriend is a very nice kid (I'm 70 so neither one qualifies as an adult yet in my eyes). Suddenly I'm nervous for them. (Did I mention the university is in Ohio??) In one sense I feel as though they didn't think this through very well... wouldn't it be a lot easier for them both to stay away from potential trouble, especially in these ugly days? On the other hand, why should they apologize to anyone for their feelings?

I asked my daughter if she had these fears. She said that since she had raised her child to be color blind, she couldn't suddenly tell her that she made a mistake, just to justify her fears.

Since then, I've done a lot of thinking about a great deal of things I've never had to think about before. My girl has brought her friend into all our lives, and suddenly I think about this nice young kid, smart and handsome, perhaps being stopped for a traffic violation that could end his life.

Funny how things become much more important when they become relevant in your life.

[guillaumeb]

1. Recommended. eom

[Mike Nelson]

2. Finding happiness with someone is so rare...

...if they find it, I would be happy for them.

[TexasProgresive]

3. It's natural that you were concerned. It's to your credit that

your concerns have opened up new thinking. I wish them the best that their future has to offer them. The upside, 3 years older than me, is that your mind is still young.

[Egnever]

4. Oddly I think this will be much harder for you than for her.

Her peer group is much less concerned about race than yours. I am sure there will still be incidences since there are still plenty of racist jerks out there but in her own life I don't think it will be nearly as big a deal as you fear. Our kids are much more accepting of race than any generation before them.

We aren't there yet but we are getting closer with every generation.

[tavernier]

6. It's hard for me in ways I hadn't expected.

I keep picturing him as a little boy, maybe age six, like my other grandson, being sat down and told some very harsh facts of life, then seeing the innocence in his eyes slowly fading.

I picture his parents and their fears when these two walk together hand in hand. (Did I say they are in Ohio close to Kentucky???)

Yes, their generation is much more accepting. It's not them I'm concerned about. Actually I'm not of a paranoid nature so I don't take these thoughts too dreadfully seriously, but I've just been doing a lot of thinking and learning in general.

[CherokeeDem]

19. Bi-racial couples are common...

in the urban areas of Louisville and Lexington, KY and likely Northern KY near Cincinnati. They are widely accepted. The problem is the rural areas, as it is anywhere the population is homogenous. I am currently in Eastern Kentucky staying with a cousin while she recuperates from an illness. There are very few people of color here, and while most of the people I've met are not racist, they still call blacks colored people. Not being exposed to other races is the problem but a black couple owns an IGA grocery store here, and everyone loves them.

Hopefully, as people become more exposed to a diverse culture, this will be less of a problem.

[get the red out]

51. Spot on

I live in Lexington, and it is common and I see a lot of interracial couples around the UK campus, and I don't think kids today have a lot of problems with it. I can't imagine a college campus in Ohio would be much different.

I grew up in eastern, KY (city of Paintsville), and it was soooo white! That area is in need of diversity for sure!

[DeminPennswoods]

10. Kids are more color blind than ever

This current youngest generation is pretty "color blind". Where I live, there are so many bi-racial couples and bi-racial kids, hardly anyone bats an eye. And I'm in a county that is predominantly white.

[gwheezie]

5. They will be fine

In 1968 my boyfriend was black. He is my daughter's father. I was estranged from my family for almost a year. We have long since reconciled. My daughter married a black man, my grandson is black. We are all doing fine.
What I learned. My family was forced to confront their racism. While not feeling I had to take sides, I have felt less threatened by the black community than the white community. Racism coming from the white community can be covert or overt but you become more acutely aware when your relationships with black people are no longer superficial. I take racism personally, it is not an intellectual exercise,it is life & death.
What I learned more importantly, my family came apart & came back together & we are better for it. My dad, who was most strongly against my relationship is one of our strongest defenders because love does trump hate. It also broke down other barriers, I have neices & nephews who are gay & have been out since they were children because it never occured to them their family wouldn't love them.

[tavernier]

8. Funny you say covert and overt

since my daughter and I were just discussing a recent incident. My granddaughter was captain of her basketball team and was scouted by this school for both bb and track. A few weeks into bb the coach who used to be super friendly to her suddenly stopped playing her even though she was one of the better players, even as freshman. Her teammates couldn't figure it out. I asked my daughter if this attitude had started before or after they were dating. She wasn't sure but didn't think covert racism was involved. I'm not so sure. And if so, its the first time in our lives that we may have been directly affected by racism. New rules!

[Blue_true]

43. Your daughter may want to switch to Track.

i don't understand why a basketball coach would hold racist views, but I guess it happens.

[tavernier]

45. My granddaughter

and she did. At the second meet yesterday she came within one inch of setting a new school record for throwing one of those really heavy hammer things. (I am sports challenged)

[Lochloosa]

46. Hammer Throw....

And if she does that...she can take care of herself....

[tavernier]

47. LOL!

Yes, she's very strong. Corn fed Hoosier with Swedish and Latvian roots! She's is a beauty, too! (not that I'm prejudiced...)

[Lochloosa]

49. That's 8.82 lbs she is slinging around. Yeah, she's strong.

[vlyons]

7. Have you shared your concerns with the couple?

Love is a function of communication. Have you asked the young man if his parents ever sat him down and gave him "the talk?" "The talk" is a phrase widely known in the AA community, especially for boys. It is about staying safe and being smart in the presence of a police officer. What to do if a cop pulls him over when driving. How to talk to a police officer. Stay out of predominately white bars. Don't go to clubs and venues known to be frequented by white trouble-makers. Don't respond to bully's taunts. Walk out of any room, where bullys might provoke him. Being a man is not about proving your manhood in a brawl. You might tell him that if he's going to date your grand-daughter, he needs to be mindful of her safety too.

Have you met his parents?

[tavernier]

9. To all of your above questions, I have not,

but my daughter and SIL have. I live in Florida. They assure me that he is extremely conscientious, kind and thoughtful. They think a lot of him.

[lindysalsagal]

11. Happens all the time. This generation is colorblind.

Beautiful thing.

Having said that- Very few relationships last beyond the college years, so, unless she takes up with a criminal or a drug dealer, don't sweat much at this age, no matter what it is.

This generation doesn't worry about religion, either.

[RedWedge]

12. "Funny how things become much more important when they become relevant in your life."

It's a good exercise to think about things that aren't "relevant in your life" and I encourage you to continue to do so.

[tavernier]

14. So true,

and we rarely do until that time comes.

[no_hypocrisy]

13. My cousin married an African-American gentleman the year after Loving.

My family stopped talking about her, like she died. In a way, she was dead to them.

Our mutual cousin showed me a picture of her and her husband about a decade after they married. He was over 6 feet and she was maybe 5 feet. This was the first time I found out what happened to her. I looked at our mutual cousin and asked rhetorically, "Is it because he isn't Jewish?"

My cousin had two beautiful daughters, both of whom I'm so pleased and proud to have as close relatives. My cousin made some unfortunate decisions and her husband divorced her. I got to know him and we got close for mishpocha. I consider him more family than some of the bloodlines I have to acknowledge under duress.

My advice is wait and see. It's the relationship that matters, not the differences in ethnicities.

[kwassa]

15. I've been in an interracial marriage about 20 years.

It is no big deal these days. Our entire society is vastly more diverse and tolerant than ever, and biracial children are common. Most urban and universities are liberal areas, and I spent my high school years in Ohio in a college town, very liberal.

[logosoco]

16. Anyone who would question this does not know about love. nt

[TNNurse]

17. They are both lucky to have you in their lives.

No one knows how long this relationship will continue (maybe for life) but they need adults who are more aware of how things are. He probably has a pretty good idea but she must not have seen much.
I wish them well, a good safe time in school and a great future whatever they may face.

Please let them know that you are in touch with many people who wish them well.

[HassleCat]

18. They should be OK.

Except for encounters with the cops, as you say.

[tavernier]

20. Yeah, baby girl might have more trouble

if it came to that than the boyfriend. Her family is pretty well off and quite well known in her community so she has lived a very white Princess kind of life. She wouldn't be rude, but she wouldn't avoid confrontation, either. Perhaps she needs The Talk. (One more thing I had to think about)

[Blue_In_AK]

21. My daughter

is married to an Australian Muslim man of color - non-USA citizen, although with permanent residency status. If I said I don't feel concerns for them under the current regime, I'd be lying. Especially if they decide to travel to Australia to visit his family any time in the near future. Immigration and Customs is slightly out of control.

[Victor_c3]

22. I'm about half of your age...

I live in the northeast. Biracial couples and families aren't exactly unique here, but I've observed some discomfort. When I was in the army around 1997-2007 I definitely noticed an increasing prevalence of biracial families. A lot of times it was a black male with a white German female.

As a father of two (pearly white) girls, I would be exactly like you appear to be if they came home with a companion other than white. As long as the person is of good morals and treats my daughter with respect I could care less.

Biracial families are going to be more and more of the norm - at least until we are all bred into multiracial mutts in the future!

[Blue_true]

44. This may not go over well, but at one time, the USA

Was like 88% White, 10% Black, 2% other. If racial mixing had occurred 100 years ago, maybe racism today would not be as big an issue. It is tough for people to dislike their family members because of race, some do, but most rational people, even many irrational people can't.

[JDC]

23. My 22 son has been with his girlfriend for 4 yrs

There is no doubt in my mind that they will marry and probably have kids. I had never once even a thought about it nor had it given me pause as to what any of this could mean in today's society until I just read your post. It is a horrible thing to say (maybe not a reality), but I think when the male is white, and the female is not Caucasian it is seen as more socially acceptable somehow. I don't know. The way my ego works is that I think I am too young to have grandkids, that was always my issue...

I have a daughter that is much younger and if she were to date a young man of color I think I would have more fear for them as a couple. Again, I honestly had never even given it a thought either until now.

Thanks for your post.

[Duppers]

26. My 30yo white son is dating a woman of mixed (AA) race.

Living in the mid-Atlantic, I've no concerns for them. Thank Dog, times have change.

[tavernier]

27. I know what you mean,

especially the thought provoking part. It's just that I had never considered it until it happened. My thoughts weren't pos or neg or right or wrong, but rather, as a comparison, if someone had said, "we are jumping out of a plane today." Now I love adventures, and a sky dive might be great fun, but it does come with risks, and besides, I hadn't even considered it till just now. ... well, maybe a bad example, but you know what I mean.

And yes, these are suddenly scarier days.

[appleannie1943]

24. I have a daughter that has been married to a black man for years.

I have 3 bi-racial grandchildren, one of which has been to Iraq 4 times and Afghanistan twice. She, the granddaughter, is engaged to a black woman with a child.

I think people are much more accepting of bi-racial couples today. Yes, there are people that will look down their noses but it is their problem and their loss, not my daughters. She has a lot of friends and she and her husband own a business that is a popular place for people to shop. I am sure your grand daughter is old enough to make good choices and as long as she is happy and he treats her good, don't worry. They will be fine.

[nikibatts]

25. Mothers and grandmothers of black males face this fear every day of their lives no matter the age.

The fear is always in the background no matter your economic level and no matter where you live. They know that they can walk outside their gated community and be arrested two blocks away for just walking down the street.

[tavernier]

28. Yes, thank you, that's exactly what I

was trying to say.

I've never had to face this fear. Yes, we have auto accident fears and drug fears and health fears, just like everyone else, but this racial fear was exclusive, and now I share it. It's an eye opener.

[HoneyBadger]

29. In middle school and high school, it is standard and has been for a long time

I see more interracial couples than anything else. It is a non issue.

Same sex couples are also accepted, in middle school, I see boys holding hands, boys that wear tutus and dresses to school, and one boy in particular that wears pink head to toe every day. Their peers could care less. I am sure that many outsiders have opinions that are not supportive. So what.

This is a selective public school with a strong focus on performing arts in a middle class urban area.

[tavernier]

30. Not everywhere.

I work at our local high school and that's pretty rare (the tutu especially), but I'm in the south.

[kwassa]

32. Where you are is important.

Most urban areas are very diverse, and there should be no problems there.

However, I know of interracial couples living happily together in rural areas that I would never consider living in myself.

[HoneyBadger]

33. My 15 year old nephew does not exactly date

Not sure if that really happens anymore. But for the last year, his regular sleepovers have covered a variety of genders and races. His peers do not appear to care about who he is coupled up with or that he mixes it up.

In middle school, they had mock marriages and divorces complete with certificates and causes for divorce, last week. From what I saw, none took place along any particular gender constructs, and certainly not along any racial or religious constructs.

[former9thward]

31. Oh please, stop being so melodramatic.

Couples of various colors are very common now. Especially in colleges. No one cares.

[Inkfreak]

36. And that's a great thing.

I'm 38, this is no strange or remarkable thing among my peers in Upstate NY.

Which unfortunately leaned heavily towards Trump.

[El Mimbreno]

52. It's not melodramatic.

Now that the trump administration has approved hate, the racists are coming out from under their sheets.

[Sen. Walter Sobchak]

34. I had a long-term relationship with a black woman

The only ongoing source of grief were the women in her family who strongly and universally disapproved. I strain to think of any issues with strangers during that time. I don't think there are really that many people anywhere who are so invested as to lash out at strangers.

[Ezior]

35. Don't worry, be happy

They will be fine, I'm sure.

One of my grandmothers was a little bit worried when she learned about my boyfriend (we're gay). She has senior gay neighbours and of course they had all kinds of difficulties in their lives. Things have changed now.

My other grandmother helped my father (her son) to get rid of the small amount of homophobia he might have felt at the time, that was really cool. She's very religious and a catholic, and she's full of love for me & my boyfriend. I guess that some level of sinning is okay with her.

I really love my grandparents for their support.

Of course, there is always some likelihood of issues occuring (with police, or society, or politics, or whatever), but love is such a strong feeling. It's definitely worth it for your granddaughter – so don't worry, be happy!

[StevieM]

37. Welcome to DU!! I am glad that your grandmothers are so progressive. (eom)

[Horse with no Name]

38. I live in a minority area

my kids were very social in High School.
There was one time when she brought a couple of young men that were black to the house to hang out with some other kids.
They walked into the front door and acted like they were scared to death.
I asked one why he was so scared and he said paraphrased that they usually weren't allowed to hang out in their white friends homes.
It was a standing joke among the kids that hung out that you could eat whatever you want in the refrigerator, there was no curfew BUT if it got loud, Mama would head down the hall in her nightgown to tell you to shut up, AND there was always the chance that I would pick their presence as a good time to move furniture around.
Haha.
As long as they did that, anyone was welcome.
The sad thing is, that there were many times the black kids in this group were singled out and discriminated against.
They all went to a nearby lake resort in Oklahoma.
One of the young black men was dating one of these girls (they have now been married 7 years, have careers, own a home and have a child). This girl is very pretty. She is very smart. One of the local rednecks at the resort started harassing the young man. He did NOTHING. He didn't respond to the harassment. It ended up escalating. Guess who was removed from the resort?
There are so many times that ALL of these white kids saw racism in action--against their friends. You are right to be concerned for his safety BUT take a lot of solace in the fact that THIS generation might be the one that actually makes living in a post-racial society a real thing for the following generation.
They'll be okay.

[tavernier]

39. I've heard similar stories from my friend in OK

It's a very diverse country, for sure.
But I've seen many more examples of love than hate in my long life.

[IronLionZion]

40. I always enjoy meeting a girlfriend's Grandma

as much as I love when she meets my own Grandma. It's always interesting to see what type of Grandma she's going to be: the type who is supportive and will say positive things to her knitting circle friends and share pictures of any beautiful kids if we have any, or the type who will have issues with it like Trump's supporters. A grandmother is the matriarch of a family and often has a lot of things to say about stuff.

Good for you for discussing these things on a liberal board like DU. It's a great way for you to understand and process it.

I had an interesting experience when a girlfriend claimed she had a racist Grandma who was very blunt. I also have a very blunt Grandma but she's not racist. The girlfriend was Swedish, I'm Indian, but we're both American and dark-haired. GF prepped me on what Grandma's concerns would be so we planned out how to address them and focus on what we have in common. Grandma looked a bit concerned at first but got visibly more friendly upon hearing my American accent and seeing that I treat her granddaughter respectfully and help out around the house. They are from small town Wisconsin, I'm from small town Pennsylvania. The lack of diversity was something we had in common, along with the importance of church and community events. We're both Christian.

To her credit, Grandma did not say one racist thing the whole time (that I know of). The only screw up I can think of was when I was on the couch and my gf came and sat on my lap, Grandma verbally expressed her horror that such a scandalous thing was happening. Kids these days. Otherwise it was fine.

My brother is married to a blonde woman and they have an adorable little daughter who is so precious. My mom was worried that my niece would look vaguely middle eastern and experience discrimination, but it hasn't been much of an issue. An occasional redneck on the street might say something stupid but we don't let it bother us.

It's best to focus on what you can find in common and celebrate some of the differences. We're all human.

Perceived to be a foreigner is different than being perceived to be a criminal. It's different issues, but if you ever want to discuss this further or have any questions, please free to PM me. I love Grandmas.

[tavernier]

41. How sweet; thanks!!

I laughed at the knitting circle, though.
My group of grannies get together at wine Wednesday, Sunday movies with cocktails after, cruises, bi yearly trips to Europe for the wine tasting.

But I'm a nurse, still working home health and twice a week at the high school, so I interact with kids a lot... including my 16 yr old grandson who lives down the street from me and as you might guess, is not a bit spoiled by me. And just to boot, my SIL plays drums in a rock band.

So I do know a bit about life outside of a knitting circle. But grannies, regardless of their hobbies, all love and worry about their little and big ones. I'm no different. Maybe just a bit melodramatic.

[Blue_true]

42. I live in the South. I have two interracial children

In my nuclear family, one is my niece, the other a child of a cousin. I see so many interracial kids these days that they don't draw a second look. At 19, your niece may move on to someone else, but part of the college experience is dating, just tell her to use the same precautions that she would use if the guy she is dating was White or any other race or ethnic group.

[AngryAmish]

48. I am in an interracial relationships. No one cares.

Never, ever been an issue.

[kydo]

50. My daughter did the same thing.

She was a sophomore in high school, that would be around 2006.

I had a brief concern, his name was the same as her brother's, Kyle. It was awkward, you'd say "Hi Kyle," and two people would answer. Wait which Kyle?

They broke up after about 6 months. Then she started dating the guy that she will probably end up marry as they are still a couple. Enrique. They would be married now but he is a "Dreamer" and doesn't want to get his US citizenship that way.

Yes this generation is much more color-blind, and a good many other areas "blind," then previous generations. I think that's a great thing!

[MineralMan]

53. And the old folks wished them well.

At least this old guy does. It's always good when young people have relationships with each other.

[yurbud]

54. the more you hang out with people from different backgrounds....

The more you realize their race, ethnicity, or religion at most determines what they have been exposed to but not what they have embraced or who they are.

[Mr Dixon]

55. IMO

Well speaking from experience as I have been in many of these type of relationships it will be a challenge but it is doable. They’re going to get some funny looks and maybe even a few comments, the biggest issue will be with family meaning your family, Black families in my opinion don’t seem to care as much way to many other issues to get caught up on skin color, minus the available Black women who will feel slighted by this young man’s choice of a mate.

The way you described your town sounds like its right out of the 50’s pretty much cause for a person like me to never visit LOL. Your concerns are warranted, be ready to see some true colors from people you have known for years, grown a thick skin I wish you luck.

[tavernier]

56. Good point, and let's start with me.

I haven't met him yet, but my first thought was, "I hope he is someone like Obama, and not like one of those rappers who wear their pants slid down their butt."

At first I chastised myself for a comment that I wondered was racist, but then after a moment of thought, I decided not. Regardless of race, religion, background, I'll always want to see her with a classy, brilliant, successful, nice guy.

[Mr Dixon]

57. Agreed

I understand your point of the Thug look, just want to point out that not all AA men prescribe to have that look. This young man is in college so there is a chance he doesn’t dress that way. I believe very strongly the AA men are purposely portrayed by the media as Thugs to scare people and this is not a new practice it is a tradition by the media since the end of slavery, thru print, film, radio nothing has changed. Give the young man a fair chance like we all would like to have, just be prepared to defend your choice if you happen to like him, because your people who disagree are going to voice their opinions

[tavernier]

58. That may be something all parents of daughters would prefer...

"Clean cut," my dad used to say about some of HIS choices of guys in my high school who I wouldn't have dated any sooner than Charles Manson.

I try not to forget that each generation have their own fashion choices, but sometimes it's hard not to roll eyes.

Knowing my gd, I tend to think that he is just as wonderful as she.

[IronLionZion]

59. Watch the Grandmas in this video

Around 3 minutes into the video there are some Grandmas with the right attitude. There's another Grandma around 5 1/2 minutes into it with a good attitude.

[tavernier]

61. I loved the last old couple...

And it worked out?
"We're not sure yet!"

LOL!!

Thanks for sharing!

[irisblue]

60. the University in Ohio,

The campus area will be fine, but outside rural areas in the SE & southern Ohio areas can be iffy at times. I am a white woman who dated an AA woman for some years, we got racial grief once which was weird, the good ol boy went right past the same sex couple and into the n word stuff.

[tavernier]

62. Thanks.

I probably wouldn't think much about it, but trump unleashed the hellhounds, lol!

[Kimchijeon]

63. They will be okay ♥

You're a great grandparent!