Need help with a moral dilemma

[lapislzi]

Daughter and I are planning to attend next week's march in DC. Because we'll be driving down from NY, this will involve at least an overnight stay. I have cousins in Fairfax, VA whom I've known since childhood. We're very friendly and see each other several times a year. They're lovely, warm, intelligent people, both PhDs.

They're also very rich and very Republican. They were both employed (gov't appointees) in the Bush administration. So, over the years, we've had an unspoken rule that politics are off the table. Nothing good could come of it.

I asked cousin for hotel suggestions for the weekend of the march. I didn't want to impose; didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable. Still, they extended an invitation. Daughter and I were considering it. I was a little uneasy, but I rationalized it by saying "hey, they're smart people, maybe they didn't vote for him. It's possible. They're not extreme; they have a daughter the same age as mine."

Today the e-mail came. "We'll be attending the inauguration, but we'd still love you to stay with us."

How do you burn a 50-year-old bridge? How do you explain that your conscience will not allow you to break bread with people who would support, even celebrate, a racist, a predator, a conscienceless opportunist?

How could I have not known? How could I have been so dumb for so long?

I'm tempted to lie and say we've changed our minds about the march, but that feels cowardly and dishonest. My gut tells me to torch that bridge with a flame thrower...but at what cost?

Mostly I'm stunned, and a little sick.

Help, DU.

[Sherman A1]

1. I would not torch the bridge, but I

would make plans other than staying with them.

[WillowTree]

17. Agree 100%.

[TheBlackAdder]

34. Yep. Same here.

[In_The_Wind]

2. Simply tell they you would feel more comfortable staying in a hotel.

[Phoenix61]

4. Agreed

Straight and to the point.

[In_The_Wind]

6. No reason to burn bridges. Most adults prefer privacy without fitting into a family's schedule.

[shraby]

3. With the internet, you should be able to locate a hotel/motel to stay in. That's what I'd

do. No need to contact them further except to turn down their invitation.

[demmiblue]

5. Thank you for the invitation, but we have found different accommodations.

There really is no point in going further than that.

[jmg257]

7. If I had a place to stay, and especially one that was free, i would stick with it.

DC is going to be PACKED next week/weekend. {Good luck finding a place and being able to travel to/from}.

Be a bit selfish, stay there with your relatives, at least as a place to sleep & shower...they will have plenty to worry about with the Inauguration BS (3 days worth maybe).

Your stance & march are important too!

[OrwellwasRight]

33. I agree with this.

I've had people stay with me to attend protests I didn't attend. Maybe the inaugural attendance is a job requirement. The friendship is about the free place to stay, not necessarily about he identical political views. So what?

Unless what the OP is saying is that s/he feels duty bound to be enemies with these folks because they are going to the inauguration. In which, still stay, eat them out of house and home, spill a little red wine on their cream-colored couch, and leave wet towels somewhere were they won't be found until they have icky mildew smell that is hard to wash out. That's the proper way to make an enemy.

[mnhtnbb]

8. Be honest. FFS be proud of why you are going. Book a hotel

and tell them you are coming to attend the march. Tell them you do not support Trump.

[HAB911]

9. Unfortunatly you should not burn family bridges

even I did not include family in my go to hell letter

http://www.democraticunderground.com/10028441529

[nini]

12. I disagree on the family thing

why should they get a free pass on this crap?

[HAB911]

14. Some you can shitcan, some you probably can't

I guess cousins are expendable, at least some of mine are, LOL

[nini]

32. I've got one side of cousins that are absolutely nuts

One argued and argued against Obamacare because she should know how all that works since she's on Medicaid.. umm ok..

How we share DNA is a mystery to me.

[nini]

10. Just tell them you have decided on another solution

you don't owe them an explanation.


Then kick them to the curb

[snooper2]

11. Stay with them, steal their tickets and protest from the inside

PERFECT

[demmiblue]

20. Heh... devious!

[Arkansas Granny]

13. Do they know why you are coming to DC? If so, I would just stick to the no politics rule and

stay with them anyway. There's no need to burn bridges. DT won't be in office forever, but family will. Besides, your cousin may have a change of heart about him after seeing how he operates. I would think it over for a few days before I came to a decision.

[teezy]

15. Ouch... tough situation.

Well, maybe they're just attending the inauguration as party loyalists? Maybe people they know in those circles are going... maybe they just feel it's a patriotic duty to be there for it. But it does still send a clear message about where they stand and what they're willing to support.

If it was me, I would politely decline by saying something like, "Thanks, you guys are always so warm and I do appreciate the gesture. And although it would be nice to see you, we'll be attending the march. It might not be the best time to get together. Hope everything is well."

That lets them know you're on the other side without actually coming out and saying it... and you're still being gracious in doing so. And it's not a cold rejection or a burned bridge. If you're seriously conflicted by their assumed support of Trump, you can just pull back and not communicate. It doesn't have to be mean or divisive. And that way if they come out of their Trump haze, you still have them in your life.

[haele]

16. Honestly, I'd be honest with them, let them know you'll be at the march.

And that you're at the very least extremely disappointed and uncomfortable with the current breed of Republicans that have and continue to treat governance like a football game - where the winner gets everything and loser gets nothing.
Tell them that you decline their invitation because 1) you don't want to get involved with a political discussion that will end up in hurt feelings no matter how adult everyone is about it, and 2) would appreciate hotel or lodging recommendations.

And leave it at that. I've got an Step MIL in Texas like that.

Sweet lady, college educated, and extremely involved in hospital and women/family support charities, but - OMG - does she ever live in a privileged class-based bubble.
She knows and has worked with Laura Bush and thinks Karl Rove personally is a great guy at parties. But at least she does think Rick Perry and their current Governor are outright morons, and agrees Ted Cruz could possibly be the Zodiac Killer - if he was old enough. (She told us everyone supported Ted Cruz for senate just to get him out of Texas...)
But - she voted for Clinton this year, because she couldn't stand Trump or Pence more. And because of 20 years of habit - and the fact she bought the tickets and reservations back in October before she knew who was going to be elected - she is attending the inauguration along with some of my deceased FIL's friends.

Look at it this way - by letting them know that you respect them enough to turn down the invitation instead of potentially creating a family rift over what they might assume you to think and what you might assume them to have done, you aren't directly insulting them.

In effect, you're giving them a presumed innocent before found guilty "out" by not immediately considering them to be part of the current rabid dog pack that is running feral through D.C, and not increasing the risk they might incriminate themselves because they live in a social bubble with these people, and aren't the targets of their policies.

Haele

[aidbo]

18. Maybe you could join them for a meal or even just coffee..

..and if you explain to them why you voted for Hillary and why you're attending the women's march. Perhaps your visit could spark a move toward opening their minds.

Posts on Facebook or twitter are only good at shoring up defenses. When one talks to people one disagrees with face to face it can be easier for them to open up and be receptive to your side of the argument.

If we never talk to these people, who are our fellow citizens and family members (for better or for worse) and they never talk to us then we might as well get ready for the next civil war.

Not talking to our enemies is a republican idea anyway. If we never talked with our enemies we wouldn't have the Iran nuclear deal or we wouldn't have seen the Berlin Wall fall.

If they just won't see your side of things or reject you, well then at least you tried. But yes lying to them and saying you've changed your plans even though you haven't is dishonest and cowardly. Not to mention it feeds into the stereotype that all us liberals don't have the courage of our convictions.

You're going there to protest, if you can't even tell your cousins that, then why go protest in the first place?

Just my two cents. I wish you well and hope that the numbers at the march are overwhelming. You're doing what I can't afford to do and I applaud you for it. Now stand proud!

[Orrex]

19. Tell them you're not comfortable staying with enablers of racism

You might also mention that their pro-misogyny and pro-sexual-assault voting history doesn't sit well with you.


Ok, don't actually say any of that, but think it really loudly.


However, I would certainly not stay with them, and unless they were important in my daily life for other reasons, I would jettison them entirely.



Good luck in your decision.

[elleng]

21. 'Thanks very much. Sorry, we won't be staying with you.'

[TreasonousBastard]

22. If they know you are coming for the march and not upset...

why do you have a problem with them? They are probably attending for party loyalty, rather than love of Trump anyway.

I understand that Trump is a far greater danger than Shrub was, but if you accepted each other in those days (and presumably also during Obama's term) why should this inauguration break up your family?

You might consider telling them that you found some super deal in some place you've always wanted to hang out in, but starting the next four years with a lie of your own does not bode well. As someone else said, Trump will be around for a few years, but family you get along with is forever. It is also too rare to throw away over a POS like Trump-- it is giving him power over your life.

Be bigger than that.

[Bonx]

23. Time to ditch the racist enablers. We're in for a fight here for what's really important.

[RedWedge]

24. "How do you explain that your conscience will not allow you to break bread with people who would

support, even celebrate, a racist, a predator, a conscienceless opportunist?"

Seems like you've got the words right here. If you're so sick you can't be with them, why would you want to continue the relationship? Or does your question to imply that you don't want to burn the bridge?

[Lil Missy]

25. Go stay with them. Have a good time.

[blue cat]

26. If it were me

I would lie and get out of it, then figure the rest out. You won't enjoy it as much. No need to burn bridges but you don't have to stay there either.

[Warpy]

27. Yet they're willing to house you when you come to march against him

I don't think this is a bridge that requires burning. Good people get to be wrong, obstinately wrong, and these sound like good people.

[politicaljunkie41910]

28. They invited you to stay. Go and stay with them, you're family. Don't let Trump destroy a family

relationship that has existed since childhood. FTR, I have a sister who is a Repuglican and we're black. I also live in a city and community that is predominately Red in an otherwise solid blue state. We have friends that are Repugs, we just don't talk politics.

You obviously have a relationship that has lasted a lifetime and that transcends the president-elect. Go and have fun. Remind yourselves that you've known these people for a lifetime, and when you reached out to them for hotel advice, they opened their home to you. Trump will be president at the max, four years. There's a good chance he'll do something before that which will force his party to throw him under the bus, and hopefully out of office. Family is forever. Your family has welcomed you to come and stay with them. You probably won't see much of one another since your activities are on different days. Bring a couple of bottles of wine as a thank you gift. You'll need it.

[lapislzi]

40. They are lovely people. I'M the problem.

I know this. I'm not over it, and I may never be.

Meanwhile, I have spent the last 20 years trying to drown out the cognitive dissonance that screeches through my brain every time I see them. How can you be so nice and yet be a corporate military-industrial-complex vulture?

On a related note, on my last trip to DC with overseas visitors, I rented the top floor of a Capitol Hill townhouse. The owner happened to be former Congressman Bill Lowery. Why he needs the money, God alone knows. I didn't know he owned it when I rented the place. Nicest guy you could ever hope to meet. We sat and talked over a bottle of (very good) wine for a good couple of hours while my peeps were on a tour. You would never know that he was corporate lobby scum by talking to him.

The world is a strange place.

[pnwmom]

29. "No, thanks. We'll visit sometime when you're not so busy."

And then find a hotel online.

[pangaia]

30. For what it is worth,

there are buses going to DC for the march from various places in NYS...
They return the night after it is over, so no hotel needed.. Just a wonderful sleep on a bus...

[lapislzi]

31. Thank you, friends

With your help, I was able to compose a civil response, respectfully declining based on my own continued anguish over the election. I said I hoped we could enjoy one another's company under better circumstances, another time. And that we would continue to take the high road with one another.

It hurts to go high sometimes, and sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between going high and just plain sanctimony. I'd rather avoid the latter if I can.

[Freedomofspeech]

39. Sounds like you did the right thing.

We are all having to face this dilemma with family and friends. I have decided that I can breathe the same air as trump supporters....I'm just not strong enough to be around them.

[Throd 2.0]

35. So you consider them "lovely, warm, intelligent people, both PhDs." and suddenly they're monsters?

Try not to view the world through politics 24/7. Life is much more pleasant that way.

[lapislzi]

42. They're not monsters. Heavens, no.

I'm the problem. I'm angry, I'm still throwing things at the TV, I'm a hot mess. Being around them would be bad for them and for me.

[philosslayer]

48. I can assure you you are not the problem

They and their ilk are.

[MFM008]

36. Honesty

Put the ball in their court.

[LisaM]

37. It's not clear in what capacity they're attending the inauguration - as DT supporters?

or just as a party thing.

Be that as it may, I would still stay with them. I don't know your daughter's age, but I think it's important for them to see the faces of people who are going to the march - and - maybe, just maybe they'll feel a little uncomfortable that their vote might have real-life implications on your daughter. I think it's helpful for them to put a face on the march.

[11 Bravo]

38. I would ask them if they were comfortable putting me up, knowing that ...

my sole reason for being there was to express my complete abhorrence of the individual whose inauguration they would be attending. If they were cool with that, I would relax and enjoy the free lodging.

[HoneyBadger]

41. Cut them off, tell them why, see what happens

[hunter]

43. You're obviously not related to me.

I grew up in a family where political and religious warfare was relished.

What's the fun of Christmas if you can't argue about how, when, or even if it should be celebrated? The party's not over until crockery is thrown and people are leaving angry or crying, and those couldn't take the heat were drunk and sleeping it off in a corner somewhere.

Let's all do this again next year. Awesome!

Republicans vs. Democrats? That was nothing... Even mild expressions of patriotism could be considered deeply sinful by some factions. (I didn't say the flag salute in school because that kind of thing could get a kid thrown into the fiery pits of hell. This only added to my already heavy aura of weird kid.)

My ancestors didn't come here chasing the American Dream (whatever that is...), they were escaping bad shit in Europe. Living in the Wild West they never had any cause to assimilate. The Civil War was a non-event to them. The only religious beliefs they shared was "not Mormon."

Politically they were all over the place. One of my grandpas was an Army Air Force Officer in World War II, the other a pacifist who'd refused to take up arms, so he was given a choice of prison or working as a welder building and repairing ships for the Merchant Marine. He built ships. The only thing my grandfathers had in common was their love of exotic machines. They could talk enthusiastically and peacefully about ships and airplanes and radar and rockets, but not cars. Never cars. So of course they fought about cars.

So what's the moral question? Tell your cousins that you're going to the protests. If they still invite you to stay, then it's a magnificent opportunity for fireworks.

[lapislzi]

47. We're all far too "civilized" for that

That may actually be the problem. The mutual respect we've built up over the years DESPITE our very obvious differences of opinion politically, is nothing short of a minor miracle. We've always been able to discuss issues in the abstract without veering off into partisanship. Another miracle. Even after a goodly number of bottles of wine, there's never been a whiff of anything worse than a snarky remark about a candidate or office holder.

They're generous, funny people. That's what makes this so hard.

[hunter]

49. Hey, we're generous funny people.

For example, I always laugh when I write about my crazy grandma.

She could say the meanest damned things, but sometimes she'd say them with a twinkle in her eye.

She eventually had to be removed from her home as a danger to herself and others. She valiantly fought off the police and paramedics for hours, cussing, throwing things, hitting, kicking. Finally strapped to the gurney she was still cussing and trying to bite people.

No assisted living place would keep her, even those who claimed they could handle difficult people. So she'd end up living with my parents.

She was, thankfully, very cheerful at my wedding, mostly gracious to everyone. She only said a few mean things, but with the twinkle in her eye.

I'm not sure what the cultural tradition is, or maybe it's simply dysfunctional family stuff, but people who don't say exactly what they think are regarded with some suspicion in my family, and in my wife's family too. But my wife's family is much more civilized. They can have very heated arguments without the fireworks.

[LaydeeBug]

44. Tell them that, respectfully, you'll be a conscientious objector. lol and then stop talking to them

[lunasun]

45. Just say they sound busy and at the same time other people you know are now coming into DC at

the same time and you will be with them instead and to enjoy their own events and thank you and to take care bye

Not a lie ; you know others are going to be in town for the W omens March, and you will "be with" them at the march
Don't overshadow an empowering time with your daughter having any issues over a free room with aggravation if you can afford it. Bet your stay will be more focused that way and feel the positive action you are both doin
.But I understand money issues also
Thanks for going

[panader0]

46. I have a few friends that voted for Trump.

They are ignorant of the issues, older ex-construction guys. The feeling I got
around here before the election was the intensity of the dislike (hate) for
Hillary. They weren't so pro Trump as they were anti Hillary. Was misogyny
involved? I'll bet they don't know the word. But they continue to be my friends
as I berate them to their faces for being dumb. My step-son voted for Trump.
I love this guy and his wife and their wonderful children (my grandkids). I would
stay with them anytime.
There were a few posts like this around lately--to hate or scorn those who voted
for the idiot. I'm trying to eliminate hate--that's the GOP's turf. It's difficult at
times, but... well, I try.

[kudzu22]

50. I would not burn the bridge.

I would most likely accept their offer. You're both going to the inauguration -- albeit one to attend and one to protest -- maybe you can share a ride into town.

I would not cut out family members over politics. I reserve that level of hatred for the politicians themselves, not the people who vote for them. Unless they become outright abusive of me personally over my politics, I will still be warm and friendly. At least cordial.