Hilarious story by my maple walnut friend, Al Howard
Occasionally I post things by one of my favorite people in the world, San Diego musician Al Howard. He is so funny, and so right on, this time especially. You can Facebook him at Alfred Howard. If you live around there go check out his music.
A lot of times when the phone rings at Cow records, I spend the first half of the call trying to figure out if I’m being pranked, scanning for soft giggles and asking myself “is this dude fucking with me, is this really his voice, can he really be talking this slowly, is he really going to sing an entire off key version of Gotye’s Somebody that I used to Know before asking me who the artist is?” and questions of that nature. I guess it takes a particular kind of person to dial up a record store clerk in this day and age, you know, with google existing and what not. Last night the phone rang and I knew I had to write it down word for word because it was going to be exceptional. He spoke in that beautiful and ubiquitous redneck accent, the same one that somehow exists in Montgomery Alabama, Van Horn Texas and Kingman Arizona, the same accent you expect to deliver a line like “honey, you’re too pretty for math” or “science is fer queers.” I answered with my polite telephone voice “Cow records, Al speaking”. To which he responds with a slow molasses drawl “I don’t know who Al is, but are you the black one?”
Since I am the black one (more of a maple walnut really, but I’m good with black), I said “yes”.
To which he responded, “Well I don’t mean to be derogatory, I don’t know how y’all like to be pronounced, but do you have that Lynyrd Skynyrd cd you held fer me?”
“I DON’T KNOW HOW Y’ALL LIKE TO BE PRONUNCED”
I was dying, along with the English language. See, here’s how racism works, if you need to distinguish between a white and a black guy, it’s perfectly acceptable to use an adjective to describe the person. If you were attending a Run The Jewels concert and Killer Mike kicked you in the face, you could say “the black one did it”, though more than likely I should thank him for autographing your teeth cause he’s a fucking legend. That’s not racist. But once you go as far as to assume that one member of a race can speak for the entire race, like if you thought I knew how all black people liked to be “pronounced”. That’s where it shifts to racism. Same if I were to assume all women had the same opinion of Hillary Clinton, that would be sexism, or maybe just stupidity. I’m not entirely sure. I guess I like to be “pronounced” Al, the name he literally said back to me, that would have probably been the best. I thought to explain all this to him, but I know he’d simply respond with “You got my Skynyrd or what?” so I saved my breath for the next battle.
Midnight Pine CD Release this Friday at Moniker, gonna be a good’n.
= new reply since forum marked as read
I read it over a couple of times, and I'm sorry to say that I don't get it.
You repeated it three times. Why?
I wish I were more in tune with what you're doing here.
I haven't read your posts before, and maybe that might have helped.
