The cost of being a loner

[left-of-center2012]

After a divorce 25 years ago; after three different friends over time borrowed several hundred dollars and none of them attempted to repay me; I just withdrew into myself.

Thinking I’m going to end up getting hurt or used, so why extend the effort to form friendships, relationships.
And I became a recluse, hermit, loner.

I live in a one bedroom apartment, in the city. I pretty much stay home except to go grocery shopping; and increasingly to the doctors and pharmacies.
I’m 70 now. Disabled. Walk short distances with a cane. Use Uber to get about.

Haven’t needed, wanted friends. No one close.

And now my doctor wants me to have a medical exam where I’ll be sedated for about three hours.
I must have someone drive me to the exam; wait for me; and drive me home.

I have no one who(m) I can ask to drive me and wait.

I can’t arrive in a cab, or Uber, or bus. The doc insists on me having someone drive me, and who will wait. Fo insurance reasons, they can’t risk me trying to get home alone in a cab, etc and possibly falling, etc as I’ll be recovering from the anesthesia.

I’ve asked a couple people I don’t really know if they would do it for money;
and hopefully one will do it for $50.

The cost of being a ‘loner’.

[progree]

1. Here's a couple of articles. Its a widespread and growing problem

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-single/201603/how-hospitals-do-us-wrong

http://homehealthcarenews.com/2015/10/how-one-home-care-agency-is-partnering-with-uber/

I hope it turns out OK.

[mahina]

7. Taskrabbit.com?

I like them a lot.

[flamingdem]

42. Uber drivers will do it if you negotiate

and have a good sense of one another

[Person 2713]

69. Have you had good experiences ?? Sounds like it . I am about to use them but hesitant...

[mahina]

72. Yes, I have. Hired someone to do data entry.

From Hawaii!

You see their face, read their reviews, which are from actual customers they've worked with in task rabbit, not fakeble.

I think something like this holds a lot of potential for all kinds of needs. Wish there was one in Hawaii. I tried to get them to open here, no luck so far.

[Liberal_in_LA]

31. There were articles (studies?) about the contradiction in Latino/a communities - poor w good health

relatively poor with health outcomes that rival more affluent in America

they attributed the longevity/good health to the strong family/community. I recall a doctor writing about
whites "writing in pain" in the emergency room alone while Latino/as where with a group. Not sure what happens the 2nd / 3rd generation...

[awoke_in_2003]

46. My wife is Mexican American

In my experience, the family unit is much stronger. We are brainwashed with this ideal of rugged individualism, how it is a weakness to ask for help. Hell, we've gotten to the point where people don't know their next door neighbors.

[TheDebbieDee]

57. I don't think it is rugged individualism that the OP speaks of....

I think the OP is an introvert - introverts have difficulty forming comfortable bonds with people. There is nothing wrong with him/her other than being easily overwhelmed and overburdened by the time and energy needed to sustain a relationship...

[awoke_in_2003]

58. I, too, am an intovert

and I often wonder how much of that is due to the conditioning I received grwoing up.

[TheDebbieDee]

59. I am an introvert. I'm 54 and I've found that the older I get...

The more introverted I am becoming, mostly because I now avoid social situations (which is nearly ALL social situations) in which I feel awkward. Also, I have learned over the last few years to accept the fact that I'm an introvert and that there is nothing wrong with being an introvert. It takes all personality types to make the world go round...

[awoke_in_2003]

60. I am 48 and am the same

(Getting more so as I get older). For our own safety as we age, we have to try to at least let someone in. I know, that is very easy to say on a message board, not so easy in reality.

[kevinbgoode1]

63. OMG. . .I am too. . .

I didn't used to be - there were times when I was very social, but as I've grown older I've become more entrenched in being my own company. I like traveling alone. I have maybe three friends in the town I live - they are wonderful people and are there for me, but I've been in the OP's spot before. I had a routine test scheduled a few years ago and no one to go with me - I had to cancel it in the end.

I too avoid social situations in which I feel awkward - I feel like I paid my dues attending those for so many years. Maybe they need to create some kind of online network for single, older people to connect with like-minded others who can perhaps help with situations in which we are required to have someone with us. It seems to me that, even locally, this should be some kind of senior service or volunteer service.

[TheDebbieDee]

78. There are a few FB groups with people who identify as

Last edited Mon Aug 15, 2016, 04:48 PM - Edit history (1)

Introverts. There's Introvert Dear and Introverts United (I think). You should go search - you may find introverts from your town if you search Meetup.com. Be careful because your search may also turn up hook up sites...

[PasadenaTrudy]

76. Same here

52 year old introvert. I find I have little desire to go out and be around people. I love being alone, always have.

[deathrind]

2. I hear you.

After getting "burned" several times in both romance and friendship it's hard to allow people in for fear of repeating mistakes and going thru the heartache/frustration again.

You may want check to see if your area has groups/volunteers who may be able to help you. Where I live there are several groups of volunteers (mostly retirees) that help specifically with the medical necessity you describe for no cost.

Best wishes!

[Lars39]

3. Social services at the hospital might have a solution for you.

[Doremus]

4. If you're anywhere NE Ohio send me a PM and I'll take you. nt

Signed,
A fellow loner

[flamingdem]

5. In some communities there are programs that offer rides to seniors

for medical appointments, perhaps your city has something like this?

I have decided to hire an Uber driver that drove me before for exactly this purpose. I asked him for his card and he seemed sympathetic and probably okay for this task. I will pay him something for his time. We'll see how this works. In my case they aren't very strict but I think he has to check in and pick me up and give them his mobile phone. If you find an Uber driver who freelances this way it could work for you

[csziggy]

6. I hope you can find someone trustworthy

I wish I had some recommendations. I suspect that a healthcare worker would be far more than $50, even for a morning or afternoon, but if the people you know can't or won't do it, you might try some of the agencies that provide home healthcare people to see if they can help you out.

You need to plan ahead for more assistance as you get older. Are there any agencies that could help you out in finding that kind of help in the future? Many states have Elder Affairs departments that help out seniors who are on their own. If you post the state I could see if I could find who to call there.

[mrmpa]

8. If there's a county..........

area agency on aging, give them a call. I've recently had the same problem as you. I could get no one to take me for a colonoscopy & they wouldn't let me take Uber home, though my 86 year old mother lives with me.

I saw my doctor & there is available a take home test. If this is what you're going for ask your doctor about it.

If there is a church or synagogue you attend give them a call, someone might be available to volunteer

[Skittles]

9. hey

I hear you on being a loner - I very much keep to myself and have only a few close friends who aren't alwasy available (no family nearby)....but while I am comfortable being alone, you sound depressed and would probably benefit from some counseling

someone is always here on DU for you, left-of-center2012

[The River]

10. Try This Link

Local services in Albuquerque

https://www.cabq.gov/seniors/senior-services

[PasadenaTrudy]

11. DU member

Warpy lives in ABQ. I'll be there for a week in Oct, not sure if that helps, but if you need a lift ...

[greymattermom]

12. I have exactly the same problem

and have put off a minor surgery because I don't have anyone to go with me. We need a facebook group or something. I'm in Atlanta, so that won't help.

[PasadenaTrudy]

13. I'd try asking

in the Lounge and in the Georgia forums. Good luck to you!

[snooper2]

70. Good idea, all the loners should start some Facebook city groups and have contacts...

Maybe have a meetup once a month at that cool little dive...

Share your personal number and text once in a while...

Wait, then you would start having friends! That won't work

[padfun]

14. I've lent "friends" money I didnt expect to get back

and I used the loan to never let them borrow from me ever. They cant borrow if they didn't pay back the previous load. In fact, they generally wont come around you. I've lent them only $100 and that might be some of the best money ever spent to let you know who isn't really a "friend".

[FrodosPet]

15. I'd have to think being a loner would be devastating for your health

Good luck with your appointment, and I hope you can work past whatever is going on that leaves you in isolation. I can kinda get the attraction of being alone for a couple few days at a time, but I am soon finding people to talk to.

First step - recognize that someone being flawed does NOT make them a bad person. We are ALL flawed in our unique and often frustrating ways. If someone you enjoy being around owes you money, let them be a friend who owes you money. Cash is rarely worth losing friends over.

[cwydro]

16. If you're in NC, let me know.

I'll take you.

I'm a loner too. However, I have several close friends and family.

Happy to help if I can.

[SCantiGOP]

21. OP lives in Albuquerque NM

[cwydro]

23. Well durn.

[SCantiGOP]

25. Yeah, long drive.

I did SC to Sourhern Cal when I was 17. It's about 6,000 miles just to get through Texas.

[Takket]

17. before insurance companies dictated medical care........

if you weren't well enough to go home alone, the hospital would........... and bare with me because this might sound crazy......... actually let you stay there until you were well enough to go home.

[Nay]

43. Yeah, how bout dat shit?? Those were the good old days, weren't they? nt

[Demobrat]

18. My hospital hooks people up with a service.

You (and I) are not unique. The hospital knows that there are many people who have nobody to pick them up in this situation. Ask your doctor. He or she has heard it before.

[moondust]

19. It's not just "loners."

Maybe 10 years ago I had a procedure done at the VA under sedation. I took a cab to get there. After the procedure they gave me a bed to let me sleep off the sedation for a few hours before taking a cab home. Worked well.

Since then the VA has adopted the same policy you're talking about--must be accompanied by someone. My doctor wants me to have another procedure under sedation but I declined, telling him that I refuse to tie up most of someone else's day just to hang around waiting for me when I know from personal experience that it's not necessary. Other people have jobs and things of their own to do.

I suspect what happened is that at some point somebody someplace was put under sedation and after their procedure decided they were in good enough shape to drive but they got behind the wheel and killed somebody on the highway. Maybe the institution/government got sued out of a fortune for letting them leave unaccompanied and now everybody has to pay for it. Or something like that.

[Buckeye_Democrat]

20. I'm sorry.

I'm a loner in my 40's and foresee myself in the same condition for years to come.

I was briefly married to a woman in my 20's who was an alcoholic and, as I later found out long after the divorce, addicted to cocaine. It's a long story about her essentially trying to wreck my life. I put up with it far longer than I should have because of my strong sense of commitment, but I'll spare you the very lengthy details which are probably sufficient for a short novel. If you ever saw "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind," the personalities of the two main characters matched the personalities of me and her pretty well. However, what I endured was worse.

Other events happened after that marriage that affected my ability to trust people, but the marriage and divorce ultimately started me on my path to being a loner.

I started losing my eyesight in my 30's. I have an extremely rare genetic condition that causes early-onset macular degeneration. I lost the vision in one eye and waited for it to happen to the other. A couple years later, the other eye caused visual distortions which was a sign that I'd lose my eyesight on that side as well.

Fortunately, by that time, an experimental drug was available to treat it. I started getting injections of that drug into the eye and it worked! My eye doctor says that I'll eventually go blind in that eye too from the "dry form" of the retinal problem, but the drug would slow down the vision loss from the "wet form."

Anyway, I've also dealt with travel difficulties over my eyeball injections. The eye doctor has refused to allow me to leave his office a few times unless I had someone to drive me home, and it wasn't easy to find help. My parents were in their 40's when I was born, and they're both deceased now. Older siblings are either gone or they suffered the same blindness when they were younger. I'm currently a regular driver for my oldest brother who is blind, but I don't have younger siblings to help me in a similar way if I need surgery or other medical care.

My brother was on Medicaid before he turned 65, and his insurance offered free travel to and from doctor visits if necessary. He tried it a couple times for morning appointments (while I was at work), and it wasn't bad. He was forced onto Medicare at 65, and I don't yet know if such services are still provided under that plan.

Have you contacted your insurance provider to find out if such travel options are provided by them?

[left-of-center2012]

22. A couple clarifications

The procedure is being done in a small clinic, actually about 10 doctors in one building, so it's not a hospital setting.
And suggestions for medical vans, etc aren't applicable as they are insisting upon a person to drive me, wait, and take me home.
Vans or cars used to take patients to appointments won't wait three hours for me.

I think paying an Uber driver to do it in his/her off time is the option I need go with. I have a couple who said they'd do it for $50.
That seems high, but the cost of regularly going to this clinic one way via Uber is $11 ~ so $22 round trip.

Deduct that from the $50, I'd be paying $28 for them waiting three hours - $9 and change per hour.

Because the exam is for pain I've had 3+ months, I really shouldn't put off or not do the exams.

Thanks for all the input.

[Squinch]

26. Too bad you aren't nearer to me... but I've had procedures where they want me to

have someone there. For whatever it's worth, there is absolutely no reason why you couldn't have a cab bring you there and then have the person you find bring you home. That way, that person doesn't have to sit around the whole time you are in there when there is no reason for that.

I'd give my doctor a hard time about the "driving to" part if I were you.

I tried giving my doc a hard time about the "driving home" part because I live right next to the hospital, but they wouldn't budge on that.

[Peregrine Took]

28. Surely you can't be the only one whose ever been in this situation.

Did you explain it to the clinic?

There are often tons of seniors who do volunteer driving - did you google your area?

Just enter "Volunteer driver" and your town.

Also if you have a religious affiliation - call your parish and explain your predicament - I bet they know someone who would do it.

[Buckeye_Democrat]

30. The "wait" part strikes me as odd.

I would think that having someone "on call" would be sufficient, but maybe there's a good reason for someone to wait during the procedure that I'm overlooking.

[JI7]

50. yeah, that does seem odd

[riderinthestorm]

33. See post #27

[left-of-center2012]

40. thanks

DU mail sent

[Laffy Kat]

37. Red Cross! I work in a clinic and they offer volunteers to do just this!

Try them in your area. For heaven's sake, don't pay for it.

[cwydro]

24. Most counties have a transportation service.

Exactly for this reason.

Check into it.

[chillfactor]

27. I live in New Mexico...

Sandia Park to be exact.....about 20 minutes east of Albuquerque. If you still need a driver, please DU mail me. I am a retired teacher and I am 74.

[left-of-center2012]

39. Thanks

DU mail sent

[awoke_in_2003]

48. You are a good person

Thank you.

[Mendocino]

52. A true knight!

I'd do it too if it didn't entail a 3000 mile round trip.

[chillfactor]

55. thank you all...

I am also a loner so I understand the predicament this person is in....

[Bobbie Jo]

64. You are awesome!

[Squinch]

65. Yay! You are fabulous.

[tenderfoot]

71. You!!!!! Are awesome!

[madibella]

74. This is so kind of you!

I truly hope this works out

[Liberal_in_LA]

29. hospitals want to 'hand off" the patient to someone. They don't even take your word

that someone is waiting in the waiting room. They'll walk you to that person and do a hand off

[Peregrine Took]

32. "Need a ride?" Albequerque area

If they can't help you maybe they know someone who can.

https://www.facebook.com/Need-A-Ride-791182904298165/

or try this "volunteer match" number


https://www.volunteermatch.org/

[PoliticalMalcontent]

34. That's brutal. I'm sorry.

[George II]

35. I can't believe the doctor or medical facility doesn't have a service to pickup/return patients.

[lindysalsagal]

36. It's an imposition to ask people to take off from work

This is a real problem for alot of us. We have friends and family but they can't take off work, or we don't want to impose.

Honestly, this could be a source of income through taskrabbit for someone who isn't in a steady day job.

[6chars]

38. after this, might want to try to make some new friends

do some volunteering - there you'll meet people who are willing to volunteer
maybe do some meetup, book club, dinner group, ...

i am sure you would like having some friends. you are a different person than you used to be and you could see how it goes. certainly you can meet a lot of different people than you used to know. and just say no to loaning money. maybe they will be not the closest friendships ever, but close enough to do you a favor in the future - why couldn't that be in your future?

best wishes for the current situation

[Person 2713]

41. I know of 2 people who have explained this to doctors and both times they were kept overnight

[left-of-center2012]

67. This is in a doctor's clinic

It's not a hospital, but a large office with about 10 doctors.

[Person 2713]

68. Sorry, If you can talk to the clinic again ask them again for help . Don't give up. Best to you

[mythology]

44. I had a somewhat similar situation a few years ago

I needed a minor surgery as a precursor for a much larger surgery a few months later. For the first one, I got 6 days notice of the surgery, and of the two people I felt I could reasonably ask, one worked at a university and the surgery was right after school started and the other could only pick me up after surgery.

So I logged on to the public transit website and found I could make the 30 mile trip down to Foxborough (estimated driving time 40 minutes) in a mere 110 minutes, including a bus trip, a commuter rail trip and ending with 3.5 mile walk from the last train stop to the hospital for knee surgery. Knowing how public transit is, and knowing how bad I am at navigating it, I gave myself an extra hour. And then promptly took the bus in the wrong direction and ended up having to take two buses, a subway trip, the commuter rail to a different station and then an 11 mile cab ride to the hospital and I was still only 10 minutes late for check in.

After I wake up from surgery which went really quickly, I had two meetings with the doctor (one of which I have absolutely no memory of) I got to spend the next hour reassuring the nurses that my ride home was going to be there at the time they had anticipated me being ready to be discharged. Because it was my friend's fault that they were ready to discharge me an hour early.

I did let my mom pick me up for the second surgery since I was crashing at their place since my life isn't set up for 7 weeks of no driving. Unfortunately my mom isn't really able to deal with Boston traffic and trying to follow a gps, so I had to remain awake and aware long enough to navigate her out of the city in rush hour traffic in the winter so it was dark out, driving my stepdad's oversized SUV since I wasn't in a position to fit into her car's backseat with a leg locked in an immobilizer.

Fun times. I did get to miss shoveling any snow during the winter where Boston got over 110 inches of snow. It did look mighty impressive from the window.

You may be a loner, but it does sometimes lead to some interesting funny stories later.

[W_HAMILTON]

45. Get familiar with the Department of Aging around your area.

I think this may be the link to their website:

http://www.nmaging.state.nm.us/

I became aware of my local version of this government agency due to having issues caring for my elderly mother. There are tons of resources available for someone like you.

Another resource you may try is your insurance plan. My mother has Medicare and a Humana plan, and Humana sent out a case manager that gave us all sorts of ideas on how to help with care, additional resources we could try out, etc.

Good luck to you!

[JI7]

47. Contact senior service type places, maybe some churches or other religious organizations

hopefully someone on here is close enough and will be able to do provide with with the help you need for this.

[JI7]

49. can you engage in social activities without the purpose of looking for friendship

by this i mean these days i am very busy and don't have time to go out with friends or even think about it much.

but in my day to day life there are people i see regularly and may now consider my friends even though we don't really do stuff outside of our usual work or whatever together.

[MFM008]

51. If I didn't have my son

I would have nothing.
I Thank God every day I have him
And he cares.

Good luck.

[kevinmc]

53. Sounds like you and I could be brothers :) n/t

[HipChick]

54. There are a lot of us in this situation..

[LeftyMom]

56. Call a livery service.

When I was a livery driver I did this exact thing a few times a week, easily. It's a very common situation- even people who have tons of friends and family can't or don't want to make them take a day off work every time they need a medical test or minor procedure.

If anybody asked (they rarely did) I was the customer's niece.

Part of the reason the doctor's office doesn't want to just stick you in a cab after your procedure is that they don't want to be liable if you're mistreated or ripped off while loopy on versed or whatever it is they're going to give you.

[nolabels]

61. No matter what you do life it will still challenge you

Maybe you were just not that lucky for enough bad things by other to happen to you and found a place you thought to hide. It's not to determine if those who did those thing you thought wronged you were placing malice to you, but rather if whatever happened is going to define who you are. I want to think i am better than that and am able to chose my own path.

I consider many annoying things just another hurdle to get jumped over (it makes the process a lot more fun)

[jcboon]

62. Churches and religious organizations

Pick one that doesn't seem obnoxious an attend regularly.
Once a month will do.
You can get to know people in a comfortably distant way.
Our church people will give rides and leave you alone when you want them to.
You don't have to be a believer to use the services.

[Squinch]

66. This is a very interesting thread and I'm so glad chillfactor chimed it. But

I am sure you are not the only one with this problem.

Perhaps we can start a forum where people in localities can reach out to each other to help with such things.

I am sure I am not alone in thinking I'd have loved to help you, but the commute from New York is just too much.

[PasadenaTrudy]

77. Good idea!

Plus many of us who are aging are childfree or just don't have any friends or family nearby.

[Motley13]

75. How would anyone know it is an Uber driver?

Are their cars marked?

[left-of-center2012]

80. Their cars aren't marked in Albuquerque

Occasionally they have a small sign placed in their windshield.
The docs just don't want an Uber driver who would drop me off, and have me in the position of calling another when I leave.
They insist on someone staying, waiting.

[AgadorSparticus]

79. I am an introvert too. It doesn't help to have a life that is full.

Full of work. I honestly don't know how people have a full time job, kids, house, and chores and still keep up with their friends. How? Maybe it is because I don't have a husband to help me? I have an ex husband...at least he doesn't get in my way

It is all I can do to just keep up with laundry and dishes. My friends are relegated to FB and occasional lunches once in a blue moon. I will probably be in the same boat.