Dazed Marco Rubio Wakes Up In Koch Compound To Find Cold Metal Device Installed Behind Ear
Dazed Marco Rubio Wakes Up In Koch Compound To Find Cold Metal Device Installed Behind Ear
UNKNOWN LOCATION—The brightly lit, stark-white room gradually coming into focus as he regained consciousness, GOP presidential candidate Marco Rubio reportedly awoke in the Koch brothers’ secret compound Thursday and reached suddenly to his throbbing head to discover a cold metal device implanted behind his left ear.
As Rubio sat up slowly on a steel cot—the room otherwise empty except for a large Koch Industries logo emblazoned on one wall—sources said he was startled to hear a soothing voice reverberating inside his aching skull, evidently emanating from the smooth metal disk that he gingerly touched while panic began to well in his chest.
“Hello, Marco,” said the oddly familiar voice. “We are very pleased to have you as our guest. We have so much planned for you.”
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According to sources, a scared and confused Rubio then absentmindedly felt for his phone and watch, only to discover that his clothes had been replaced with a white jumpsuit featuring an ID tag reading “2016 CANDIDATE #0003.”
“There’s no need to panic—you’ll be back to campaigning just as soon as our session is complete,” said the voice as Rubio searched in vain for a door or an exit of some kind along the room’s perfectly smooth walls. “Remember, what’s best for us is best for you, Marco. Now, let’s begin with an exercise on threats to American free enterprise and prosperity.”
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http://www.theonion.com/article/dazed-marco-rubio-wakes-koch-compound-find-cold-me-52260
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