New Cruz Chip Passes Test
Republican programmers announced the 4th generation conservative policy processor will be available before the 2016 debates. Dubbed the Cruz Chip after Ted Cruz succesfully Beta tested it in Iowa last week the processor reportedly has three times the cognitive dissonance resistance and thermal rhetoric protection as the third generation chip widely in use. The new technology allows candidates to safely espouse positions with no logical consistency, switch positions repeatedly and hold opinions diametrically opposed to others they hold without having embarassing shut downs or their heads explode.
Current Republican candidates have been using the older version but its vulnerabilities became obvious after Ben Carson's repeated cognitive meltdowns. The famous neurosurgeon who insiders have dubbed "Fukushima Ben" has been plummeting in the polls, unable to even pretend to make sense. Carson has scheduled his implant as early as next week but even some advisers are suggesting it may be too late. At a luncheon last week the former front runner had to have a hammer forcibly removed from his hand when he was seen repeatedly striking his head with it. Asked why, the laconic loon smiled dreamily saying. "It just feels so damn good when I stop." Cheap cloned versions of the new chip made by Syrian refugees in Trump built Koch firetraps will be available for Republican voters by September 2016.
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Well done! 
