More Tales from Dr. Ben Carson’s Life (satire)

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I turned down a full-ride scholarship to West Point, but I didn’t turn down the other free ride they offered me: an M60 Patton tank. While my friends were tooling around Detroit in their Camaros, I was proving my patriotism in an honest-to-gosh battle tank. Also, not to brag but I totally got to second base with Becky Jorgensen in the back seat. Talk about “gifted hands”! (“Gifted Hands,” page 29)

*

Our psychology professor told us that our final papers had been “inadvertently burned,” so we had to take a surprise exam, and all the other students walked out in protest. Only I remained. Just then, a photographer from the Yale Daily News popped up and snapped my picture.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“A hoax!” the professor announced. “This test was merely a test! We wanted to see who was the most honest student in the class. It’s you, Ben Carson—you’re the most honest student in the world.”

I truly couldn’t believe my own ears. The professor just said that I was the most honest person in the universe! (“Gifted Hands,” page 64)

*

The summer after my junior year at Yale, I decided to backpack through Europe. When I got to London, I ran into an old British lady who told me that I was the tallest man she’d ever seen. “You’re so big,” she said, and that is a direct quote. Her name was Elizabeth, and she was a Queen, which is like a President, only more so. She ended up naming a clock tower after me. (“Gifted Hands 2: Gift Hander,” page 60)

*

One day at Johns Hopkins medical school, I ran into a man who was very upset over a breakup. I consoled him by explaining that no pill was going to cure his ill, and when he asked me, “Doctor, doctor,” to “give [him] the news” about his disease, I told him that he had a bad case of loving someone. That patient’s name was Robert Palmer, and a few years later he recorded a song about the experience. (“Gifted Hands,” page 93)

*

This sentence is from page 120 of my book “Gifted Hands.”(“Gifted Hands,” page 121)

*

“Ben, you have worked your way up from poverty; you have become a surgeon of skill unparallelled. You, sir, are the only one worthy to succeed me. I name you my heir.”

“But, Johnny, I’ve never hosted a late-night show before. I’m honored, but my talents will be better used in neurosurgery, and then, later, in Presidenting.”

Mr. Carson put his wizened hand on my shoulder. “I respect your decision,” he said, as tears rolled down his face like spring rain on Mount Rushmore. “But I want you to know that you’ll always be a son to me.”

And that was the day that Johnny Carson adopted me. I try not to make a big deal of this in public. (“Gifted Hands,” page 211)

*

I stepped into the TARDIS and prepared to return to my fellow Time Lords when someone shouted, “Thanks for saving us, doctor!”

“Please,” I replied. “ ‘Doctor’ is what my patients whose brains I do things to call me. Call me Ben.”

With that, I shifted the TARDIS into gear and grabbed the older lady beside me. “Hold on tight, Liz. We’re about to meet your ancestor and namesake, Queen Elizabeth the First!” (“Gifted Hands 2: Gift Hander,” page 64)

*

It was 2015, and I was a front-runner for the Republican Presidential nomination. According to some polls, I was even beating the earlier front-runner, Donald Trump. This all really happened!!! (“Gifted Hands,” revised 2016 edition, page 3)

By Frank Lesser: http://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/more-true-tales-from-dr-ben-carson-life?intcid=mod-latest

[Octafish]

1. The old British lady named a clock after me.

ROFLMAO!

[trusty elf]

2. Johnny let Ben sub for him from time to time.

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[trusty elf]

3. "Jesus speaks through me to communicate with mortal men."

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[Rex]

4. That one time at band camp...

they found him with his dick stuck in a rock down by the river. Had to call EMS.