Jeb Quits Race with “Mission Accomplished” Banner By Andy Borowitz

[L. Coyote]

LOL>

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/jeb-quits-race-with-mission-accomplished-banner

MIAMI (The Borowitz Report)—Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush announced that he was dropping out of the race for the Republican Presidential nomination, while standing in front of a “Mission Accomplished” banner draped over the façade of his campaign headquarters, in Miami.

Speaking to his remaining staff members who were seated in a dozen folding chairs, Bush thanked them for the hard work that led to the triumphant completion of their mission.

“Our work is done,” Bush said. “Thanks to you, we have prevailed.”

.......

[Hydra]

1. *LMAO*

I can't wait for the real thing.

[L. Coyote]

2. Still a favorite: Trump: I Would Attack ISIS on Twitter

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/trump-i-would-attack-isis-on-twitter

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In an effort to boost his foreign-policy credentials, the billionaire Donald Trump on Tuesday said that, if he were elected President, he would defeat ISIS with “brutal and relentless” attacks on Twitter.

“Under President Obama, ISIS has been able to maraud and rampage with impunity,” Trump told Fox News. “When I’m in the White House, the leaders of ISIS are going to bear the brunt of the most vicious tweets the world has ever known.”

The real-estate mogul said that, as President, he would set aside a portion of the time that he currently allots to excoriating journalists, politicians, and assorted other perceived enemies on Twitter to focus his fury on the leaders of ISIS.

“Of all the people running for President, I have by far the most Twitter-war experience,” he boasted. ...........

[PatrickforO]

3. Well, there it is. As the ceiling caves in around you, and everything points

to how you were very, very wrong, what do you do?

Why...you declare VICTORY!

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

That's right! Absolutely! How may people, we wonder, are dead or had their lives ruined because of you, Jeb? Or should I say Jeb!

Because you cheated in 2000 when you were governor of FL and ensured that your brother W got the nod instead of Gore, who actually won. And we all know what happened with THAT mission, don't we Jeb! Hundreds of thousands dead, rendition, the Patriot Act, trillions spent, huge debt, the dastardly attempt to privatize Social Security. Gee, wonder how many senior citizens would be homeless and eating out of dumpsters if he would have pulled THAT off.

You know what, Jeb? Fuck you. Don't let the door hit you in the ass.

[NCjack]

4. Before the announcement, JEB piloted a F-35 fighter jet

and landed it on a near-by street. Upon landing, he jumped out of plane, clan in a flight suit.

[UTUSN]

5. If only. n/t

[L. Coyote]

6. "New GOP Debate Format Calls for Each Candidate to Question Self"

Andy Borowitz = 2 mins ago on Fb