It has been a rough couple of weeks. **UPDATED**
Last edited Thu Aug 6, 2015, 08:50 AM - Edit history (2)
I have been dealing with a young (23 years old) family member who appears to be suffering from an undiagnosed mental illness.
On Tuesday I stood in front of a judge with copies of half a dozen police reports to explain why I am legitimately in fear of her harming herself or others. The reports range from an "abuse/neglect" case involving her then boyfriend causing her 22-month old son to require brain surgery (the baby is now in the care of her mother, or as the family member calls her, "the devil"
to larceny charges incurred by stealing from her 74-year old grandmother, with a bonus "kicked the window out of a police car when placed under arrest", through last week's suicide threats, which she made multiple times but denied when questioned by police officers.
The judge signed the order very quickly. I don't think the suicide plan from last week (two days of hell that started when she was fired after eight days on a job due to "attitude" was what did it, or the menacing/breaking the "no-contact" order with the grandmother; I think it was when I explained that foster care had put in a "no contact" order after she had verbally abused her mother in front of them by stating "you used your vagina to put a roof over our heads, and I am not going to do that." Do I have to add that her mother is an office worker/not a sex worker?
She and her partner - her baby's father, not the boyfriend who put their son in the hospital - are currently homeless/living in her car. He works at McDonalds. Family cannot / will not take them in due to her unpredictable mental state. She verbally abuses her partner at levels I simply cannot comprehend, and nearly brags about how she has at least six domestic violence reports against him from when they lived on the other side of the state. She waved this in front of me during our last talk as her "security" - she told me she could always go to a domestic violence shelter, and they would take care of her. Her partner would have no shelter or transport, and is controlled by her as a result. (They only have one incident together here - her trying to get her grandmother arrested by hitting herself in the face/claiming grandma did it doesn't count, right?)
My plan was to have her escorted for evaluation at her next court appearance (Thursday morning) but she found out Wednesday evening. A very nice deputy took the paperwork and escorted her to the facility; he then explained to me that she and her partner didn't want any further contact with me, and if I did attempt to contact her, I could be charged with harassment. They were done with me now.
I nearly burst out laughing, but contained myself lest it become hysterical. I had already dealt with her earlier screaming threats aimed at me and my children ("I will ruin your life! I will open a CPS case! I will make sure you regret this forever! You are a liar! You said you would help me! I have always triumphed over my enemies and I will triumph over you! I will destroy you!" Etc.) so my instinctive "Promise?" is understandable, but I did not say it out loud. I heard "stay away" multiple times during the suicide drill, and she texts it frequently in between asking for help/meeting for meals, etc. This was the first time a police officer had relayed the message, along with the implicit threat, and I was torn about asking him just how seriously he was taking it, considering the place where we were at and the paperwork he had seen?
But I didn't. I could see doubt in his eyes - she can present "calmly" on occasion, and maybe he thought she was being persecuted or something. Heaven knows she does. I finished making sure the staff was aware of her issues by high lighting important bits, and left. HIPPA means I will have to rely on others to know whether they decide to keep her for more than 24-hours. She had told me she would kill herself if she was forced into a hospital, and I am trusting they can keep her safe. I had made arrangements for her boyfriend to have shelter (the car is hers and he has no license/his last arrest was for driving on a suspended license), but after the policeman's warning, I didn't call him again. (I did make sure the helper had his number, so hopefully he is going to be okay.)
It has been a rough couple of weeks. I did not take this step lightly, and am confident it was the right decision. The up/down mood swings have been getting shorter in duration and more violent in intensity. She cannot understand why the world isn't working the way she expects it to - she *knows more than EVERYBODY* and they should listen to her! - and when they don't, when the police officers and the doctors and the lawyers and the shelter workers and the social workers and her supervisors and anyone in authority tries to tell her how to behave, or that her decision making might be in error, she just cannot Get It and she explodes in epic verbal tirades. The number one question every time law enforcement has had to deal with her: is there a drug problem? And the answer is no, we don't think so - she is tested regularly during the supervised visitation, and also during the week she spent in jail last month. It doesn't seem to be a drug issue, and she is in the age range when these types of issues traditionally start to manifest....
I am left with the questions that have me awake and posting on a message board in the middle of the night. Will she be able to fool them? Am I wrong about her being mentally ill? Will they be able to help her? Only time will tell.
It's been a rough couple of weeks....
ON UPDATE: They released her within hours. The cycle continues....
Thank you, everyone for your support. I wish there was a better system for getting people who need help what they need.
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...grandma and all. You may have to tell people you would not otherwise want to share this with, in order that neighbors/friends know it is a very serious issue about her having made threats against your children. I don't know how old they are, but if they are at an age where their school keeps track of instructions about who is allowed to pick them up, put in in writing that under no circumstances is she be allowed to pick them up from school. Make sure you counsel your kids about having no contact with her, no rides, no letting her into the house. Change the locks....
I hope things improve for all of you. it's heartbreaking to have this happen to a young relation, but I see the most urgent task as keeping the rest of you secure.
Best wishes 
I read the whole post, and I must say that I agree that there is a mental health issue at work such as bipolar which might explain the ups and downs; or it could be the emergence of a Personality Disorder such as Borderline, or it could be a combination of these things.
The lying, the stealing, the rage, the delusions of omnipotence and grandeur ("I know more than everybody", "I expect the world to work as I wish","I always triumph over my enemies" , the physical strength (kicking out a car window) - that sounds like a manic bipolar episode. People with bipolar or PD do have the ability to transform themselves from raging violent lunatics to sweet docile lambs as soon as the police or mental health professionals show up, in order to advance their agenda and escape the consequences of their actions.
Even if the case advances to the point where you get a solid diagnoses and an Rx, it is up to this person to take her meds and comply with a treatment plan. This doesn't always happen, unfortunately. I can' possibly transmit my personal experience to you in a DU post, however if I could, I would say that - despite the heartbreak and the natural desire to help a family member - you may not be able to change much. I write this, despite knowing it is better to prepare yourself for possible bad news from a human being sitting in front of you rather than a computer screen 
Hekate's post about protecting yourself, your kids, this woman's baby who endured a traumatic brain injury at 22 months and will carry the scars for life, her mother who is currently fostering the baby, the grandmother who was assaulted (the woman who self-injured and tried to get the grandmother arrested for it - that was a violence committed against the grandmother) these are the people who need protection, care, treatment and support and can most likely benefit from the energy needed to handle this situation.
As Hekate posted above, absolutely do what is necessary to prevent this woman from abducting your children at their school. People with un-managed mental illness lie as naturally and as convincingly as a fish swims. This woman is very fortunate to have an intact extended family to take an interest in her and in helping her. Whether or not she will rise to the occasion and help herself is firmly in her own hands.
I highly recommend that you get support such as talk therapy to help you through this, these events are trauma. Do NOT try to handle this all alone. I tried to handle my family trauma by myself for over a decade, I didn't have to do that to myself. I can recommend the website "Out of the Fog" for personality disorder support, which I have personally found helpful. http://outofthefog.net/
Wow this has become a long post. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Please take care of yourself. 
I am so sorry, Ida. It does sound like serious mental illness is involved. My husband is a psychiatrist/psychoanalyst
and I've heard him talk about bipolar and borderline personality diagnoses quite a bit. It's a rough road for everyone
if it turns out either of those illnesses are contributing to her behavior.
It is a great idea to see if you can find a counselor or therapist to help you figure out how to live with this.
Do take care of yourself.
Thanks, mnhtnbb! 
You have to leave it in the hands of the pros. I'm sorry you are having to deal with it at all.
Please keep in mind that in some of these cases, this situation tends to repeat itself before the problem is finally diagnosed and everyone gets on board with what must be done. At least, this has been my experience in several situations.
Please take care of yourself. These events are more exhausting than we first realize. Use this time to relax and then think through anything else you might need to do to protect yourself and your family (change locks, etc.).
Good luck and prayers for the ones that are ill or injured.
I can't offer any sound advice myself, and all the previous comments are better than any advice I could give. But I can send you good vibes, and .You've done everything you can do for her - for now anyway, so take care of yourself and your family.
I'm not at all surprised to hear about your family member being released almost immediately. It is very difficult to get someone into treatment against their will.
I forgot to mention that it's normal to go through a grieving or a formal mourning period, just as if this family member had died. Except, in one sense, this situation is worse. With death, you get closure - you know the outcome. In contrast, you can't know today whether or not this young woman will get on board with a treatment plan and learn how to manage her condition.
The family member you've known and loved up to this point has departed, and she may or may not ever come back - it's completely out of your control. As another poster wrote above, it is normal for there to be progress and regression - on her meds / off her meds. When that happens, it's like somebody pulling off the scab and opening up the wound again.
So it's right and normal for you to grieve, for your body to just shut down for several months or seasons, as a result of this terrible situation.
You're one of the good long-standing community members of DU, Ida. It actually helps me today to be able to pass along a bit of what I learned when my family had to deal with a similar situation. If what I learned back then can help you and your family today, well it's a bit like having a chance to transform some lemons into lemonade...
