Man mocks alligators, jumps in water. and guess what?

[dixiegrrrrl]

CNN)A man who apparently mocked alligators, then jumped in the water -- despite warning signs -- is dead after being attacked in Texas.
Orange County Police were called to Burkart's Marina near the Louisiana state line early Friday morning after reports that Tommie Woodward, 28, and an unidentified woman were swimming in a bayou and had been attacked by a large alligator.

Woodward ignored verbal warnings and a posted "No Swimming Alligators" sign and seemed to mock the deadly creatures before going in the water.
"He removed his shirt, removed his billfold ... someone shouted a warning and he said 'blank the alligators' and jumped in to the water and almost immediately yelled for help," Price said.

Oh, yeah...it was at night, and people tried to stop him.

"If the sun is down, stay out the water. That's when they're eating. That's when they're hunting," alligator expert Arlie Hammonds told the affiliate.

http://www.cnn.com/2015/07/04/us/texas-alligator-attack/index.html

to a Texas friend who sent this to me....

[Logical]

1. Dup!!!! Nt

[Jeff Murdoch]

2. "Hold my beer!" nt

[DFW]

3. He should have read this first (from "Gator Curator," reproduced by permission):

............of an out-of-work naturalist in Florida who finds a job online as curator of an obscure museum of extinct reptiles at the edge of the Everglades. The naturalist enters the museum for the first time, and sees only lifelike replicas of huge pre-historic alligators. He looks around for whoever it is that hired him over the internet, and calls out “anybody here?”

The answer comes in a gruff voice, “of course there’s somebody here, Einstein. Who do you think hired ya?” The naturalist sees no one, though he does notice computer screens and keyboards strewn around the floor near the outsized alligator replicas. “Well, then, you wanna stop playing hide and seek, show me around and explain my duties?” calls the naturalist.

“How much more in plain sight do we have to get, fer cryin’ out loud? What do we gotta do, chomp yer leg off for a little attention?”

The tail of one huge reptile swishes, and the naturalist realizes he is being addressed by the immense prehistoric alligators who are by no means replicas. Instead, it turns out that they are talking relics from a bygone age, who have become internet savvy, and are trying to survive in a world they are positive would either kill them or imprison them if they knew the species had survived and evolved.

The naturalist is amazed they can talk, and, after getting over his initial shock, remarks that they have a weird accent. One gator says, “Listen here, until three hundred years ago or so, we all spoke only Seminole, don’t get all grammar-Nazi on us, OK?”

The naturalist can’t believe what he is seeing and hearing. “I’m being asked to play nursemaid to a bunch of web-surfing monsters!”

One of the gators snaps back, “Look, kid, I’m 125 years old and don’t need no nursemaid. Bet you don’t know a lot of 125-year-old mammals, do ya? Don’t bother to answer. We looked it up. If you’ll pardon the expression, ‘there ain’t no such animal.’” Some gator laughter. “How old are you, anyway?”

The new curator answers, “Thirty-three.”

“Hell, you’ve barely hatched. But with all the crap they’re dumping into the swamps here, we do need fresh water brought in regularly, and the occasional steak—raw, if you don’t mind. And watch the ‘monsters’ references, would ya? We get enough nasty comments from the paying visitors. We don’t need them from you, although we are rather thick-skinned, come to think of it.” The other gators all chuckle at his “wit.”

The gator continues, “Hey, all those Amazonian anacondas and Nile monitor lizards set out in the ‘Glades’ by those stupid pet owners? How many more of them do you think would be out there without a little thinning out by us, eh? But we can only go out at night. We never had to worry about the Seminoles and their bows and arrows, and the Spaniards with their stupid blunderbusses couldn’t hit sand on a beach. But you guys and your elephant guns? Those things can kill even us, and when it comes to ourselves, we’re strongly ‘pro-life,’ if you get my drift. Our skin may be thick, but it ain’t that thick. I’d tell ya to read my lips, but we gators are a little light in the lip department, in case you hadn’t noticed.”

Laughter, or something close to it, from the other gators. The naturalist asks his new employers how they finance their “museum,” and one of them replies, “Your predecessor taught us about computers, got us a few, and connected us to the internet. We hacked into the U.S. Treasury and skim one cent a year off every tax return in the US. Piece of cake, and they write it off as an error caused by a computer glitch. Lazy bastards can’t be bothered to track us down. It doesn’t exactly have Warren Buffett looking over his shoulder, but it’s enough to live on. Our last curator passed away last month, and we needed a replacement. Tag, you’re it. We don’t have to spell out for ya that no bank would let any of us make a withdrawal from the museum’s expense account even if we did have photo I.D.”
--------------------------------------------

[Hutzpa]

17. This is fucking hilarious

Thanks for the laugh on this glorious day of Independence.

[DFW]

18. Thanks!

Actually, I was being facetious when I said "reprinted by permission." I'm the author.

"Gator Curator" is a subplot of my second novel. I'm nowhere finished with it, but I'll announce it if and when.

If you liked this, you might want to check out my first one, which is out on Amazon: "The Time Cellar."

[padfun]

31. That book has many good reviews

I will get a copy and read it on my trip next month.

[DFW]

32. Hey, let me know if you agree with them.

I can always use more nice plugs on Amazon. I hope it provides some summer relief and escape.

"Gator Curator" is just one of a few subplots in my next book, but the excerpt seemed appropriate for the alligator thread.

[texanwitch]

4. Stupid fool got what he deserved.

Well the gators got to eat.

[wheniwasincongress]

5. I wouldn't swim in gator water during the day

[texanwitch]

8. I have been close to one in a canoe at Buffalo Bayou in Houston.

That was close enough for me.

It was a large gator.

There are plenty of fish in the bayou.

He looked well fed.


Never go swimming in a bayou.


That is the gators home.

[DawgHouse]

6. My goodness, what a horrible way to go.

[Aerows]

7. Watch this!

said nothing good following that statement ever, usually just screams.

[texanwitch]

9. Yep.

At least he left his ID behind.

What a dumb ass.

He jumps in bayou with a warning sign.

[Skittles]

12. it's "HEY Y'ALL, WATCH THIS!"

GET IT RIGHT, AEROWS

[Aerows]

13. At least I got the screams part of it right

Mostly just "AAAAHHHH" "AHHHHH" "AAAblblblAHah"

Substitute the blblblbl for water, blood or the gasoline that's on fire coming out of your mouth/lungs/orifices.

But yeah, I guess I'm one of those uppity Southerners. I change my boots before delivering an asskickin'

[Aerows]

15. As I think about it

It's interesting how asskickings are delivered in various Southern states.

I know you live in Texas, and I lived there for a while myself. You have a different variety of asskicking than other Southern states.

I think I need to ponder it, because a Florida asskicking vs. a Georgia asskicking vs. a Louisiana asskicking (don't fucking ask me about Alabama, I live in Mississippi now and I *still* don't go there) are all different.

[texanwitch]

10. This guy is famous.

Check out the Daily Mail article.

Daily mail.com

Pictures and everything.

[EL34x4]

28. Funny, that's exactly what I pictured he'd look like.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3148522/Man-killed-Texas-alligator-attack-late-night-swim.html

I know it's not right to laugh at death but some people's grand purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.

[texanwitch]

34. He looked like what I thought he would.

Sorry for his family but............. he made the news everywhere.

[Lucky Luciano]

11. Darwin wins again. nt

[Yo_Mama_Been_Loggin]

14. Guess you can't fix stupid

"Here hold ma beer while I take a swim"

[RoccoR5955]

16. What do you expect in Texass?

They should have put up a sign that said, "Please swim with the friendly alligators." Then people would more than likely not go in.

[booley]

23. maybe the sign should have read "Warning: alligators will grab your guns and gay marry you"

Gotta remember what actually scares people

[dixiegrrrrl]

27. He wasn't even from Texas...he was a Yankee.

Had come to Texas for work.

Must be something in the water in Texas....

Oh....wait.....

[Art_from_Ark]

19. Well, heck, the sign said "No Swimming Alligators"

so maybe he thought there were only "walking alligators" around there

[dixiegrrrrl]

26. Good point. n/t

[arely staircase]

20. some days you fuck the alligator

Some days the alligator fucks you.

[texanwitch]

21. I read that he is survived by a twin brother.

I hope he is smarter then his twin.

[booley]

22. doubt alligators can understand mockery

But they certainly can grok the concept of a lunch that literally drops right into it' s mouth

I want to feel sorry for this guy but seriously, this is a darwin award

[edbermac]

24. A re-enactment.

[dixiegrrrrl]

25. Lol!!!!!!!

[fredamae]

29. They met

They had lunch together.
The End.

[Sunlei]

30. drunks

[no_hypocrisy]

33. Reads like a Kipling "Just So Story".

Except this guy is the elephant's child I guess.

[Jamastiene]

35. How poetic.

Guess the gator showed him why not to mock a gator.