For Black Folks Who Feel Numb: On Charleston, Racism, and Not Knowing What There Is Left To Say
http://www.blackgirldangerous.org/2015/06/for-black-folks-who-feel-numb-on-charleston-racism-and-not-knowing-what-there-is-left-to-say/
I’ve been trying to write about the murders of nine people at Emanuel AME in Charleston for five days now. I keep telling myself I will, and then I keep not doing it. I’ve started a few pieces, but after a few minutes of writing, I stop. I sigh. I go back to staring at my Twitter feed.
I’m angry with myself because I should have something to say, I should have insight and critique and analysis to offer. It’s what I do. It’s what I’m supposed to do. I’m supposed to feel compelled to speak about a history of racist violence that never went away (there hasn’t been a month in the history of this country that a black person wasn’t killed by white supremacy for being black), about anti-black media coverage (stop watching CNN, for Christ’s sake) and oppressive forgiveness narratives (I’ve never seen anyone talk about Americans forgiving Al Qaeda for 9/11, but black people are always supposed to forgive, because the taking of our lives isn’t worth holding a grudge, right?)....
I was at the airport on my way to give the keynote at a commencement dinner at Antioch college when I heard about the shootings in Charleston. My first thought was to go home immediately. I texted my partner and told her what was happening and she offered to come and pick me up from the airport, where she had dropped me off only a short time before. I couldn’t think. I had an obligation to fulfill but I didn’t want to go. My flight was about to board and I couldn’t think straight.
In those moments, I felt trapped. I felt afraid. I felt sad. I looked at the white people around me and I couldn’t imagine having to spend hours on a plane with them, breathing the same air. I wanted my people. Only my people.
