Communication before, during sex is key: how to establish consent

[Omaha Steve]

Brier Jirka is a sex therapist based in Omaha. She writes regularly for livewellnebraska.com.


http://www.livewellnebraska.com/blogs/brier_jirka/communication-before-during-sex-is-key-how-to-establish-consent/article_ce65dd66-edd6-11e4-93df-1baaa662fc08.html

Posted: Wednesday, April 29, 2015 1:00 am
By Brier Jirka / livewellnebraska.com

April has a very special place in my heart because it’s the month of sexual assault awareness. As a survivor, it’s a topic very close to me.

It is not just my professional mission as a sex therapist but also my personal one to help spread the truth about sexual assault and help our culture become less prone to victim-blaming.

Asking an individual who was assaulted, “Why were you there?” or “What were you wearing?” or telling them, “You had sex with him before” is not OK. That’s victim-blaming.

Victims of sexual assault did not give consent. Consent means granting permission for something to happen or agreeing to do something.
What you need to know about consent:

FULL story at link.

Local ways to get involved

- Creighton University has different events going on all month, including talks on how to spread sexual violence awareness on college campuses. Click here for details.

- University of Nebraska-Omaha's Voices Against Violence campaign and itsonus.org campaign, which encourages people to stop being passive bystanders to sexual assault and violence.

Additional resources


For additional resources on sexual assault, check out these sites:
- The Line Campaign

- National Sexual Violence Resource Center

- Scarleteen

- Yes Means Yes

[derby378]

1. I find Jirka's approach to consent somewhat dogmatic

Here are my concerns:

"Nonverbal cues and body language does not equal consent." Actually, they sure as hell do equal consent, but you have to be smart about it, too. A "come hither" look at a fraternity mixer may not be enough for explicit sexual consent. Go slow and put that beer down.

"Make it fun. Establishing consent does not have to interrupt the flow of things. Make it part of the act itself." I appreciate this approach, but contract negotiation is never "fun." Spontaneity should not be banished from the bedroom.

But I do give Jirka credit with this statement: "Don’t be afraid to talk about sex and your boundaries, wants and needs. If you cannot talk about them, it is a red flag that you should not be engaging in sexual acts. Sex therapists can help clients gain the sexual confidence to have open conversations about boundaries and wants." Everyone has needs in bed, and with certain obvious exceptions, those needs should not be minimized or ridiculed. One of your main reasons for engaging in sex with your lover should be to meet your lover's physical and emotional needs. This is communication at its most sublime, resulting in deeper mutual understanding and pleasure and - yes! - even orgasm. Not to mention a really sweet post-coital snuggle.