Candidate Profile: Hillary Clinton

[Katashi_itto]

?6608
Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is expected to officially announce her candidacy for the 2016 presidential election on Sunday, putting an end to months of speculation about her plans. Here are some key things to know about the first Democrat to declare her candidacy:

Campaign Slogan: “I deserve this”

Campaign Strategy: Overwhelming tide of inevitability

Spouse: Former Arkansas attorney general William Jefferson Clinton

Wingspan: 7 feet, 6 inches

Ideal Running Mate: Primary opponent who knows how to gracefully step aside when the time comes

Biggest Scandals: Deaths of four Americans at Benghazi, use of private email account for government emails, choice of Nina McLemore dress at a 1998 presidential function

Grandchildren: One, but pushing Chelsea for one more before Iowa caucus

Stance On Abortion: Supports a woman’s right to choose for her husband’s mistress

Birthplace: Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin, and Wyoming

Number Of Times Teeth Gritted To Date: 489,346

Things She Personally Understands As A Grandmother: Hope, faith, future, education, children, all that crap

Greatest Fear: Charismatic young senators from the Midwest

Number Of Big Macs That Fit In Mouth At One Time: 2

Biggest Challenge: Not completely blowing it

http://www.theonion.com/articles/candidate-profile-hillary-clinton,38414/

[peacebird]

1. Popcorn....

[NYC_SKP]

3. Hereyago:

[Hutzpa]

5. Mind passing me some of that?

nt

[vt_native]

2. Another post

in the HRC room, I see

[bigwillq]

4. Ha!

I hope they do these for all the candidates. Hysterical.

[Ichingcarpenter]

11. They spare no one who has announced

as they should...........Ted Cruz's and Rand Paul's are funny also.

[JaneyVee]

6. The Onion. Hilarious!

[msanthrope]

7. Funny....but there's no mention of her Most Controversial Hairstyle. nt

[Cheese Sandwich]

8. I'm sure Hillary has a sense of humor and wouldn't mind this. It is funny.

[Katashi_itto]

9. .

[Cerridwen]

10. "Man Pleased To Find Most Of His Mid-’90s Anti-Hillary Rant Still Usable" (edit; forgot link)

Also the Onion.

DECATUR, IL—Expressing relief that he would not have to construct an entirely new diatribe from scratch, local man Harold Willis was reportedly pleased Monday to discover that most of his anti-Hillary Clinton rant from the mid-1990s was still perfectly usable. “I got rid of the stuff about her ’93 health care plan, but besides that and a few other tiny fixes, there was still lots of good material,” said Willis, adding that once he updated it with a couple Benghazi details and a quick tag about the recent controversy over the presidential candidate’s State Department email server, the well-worn harangue would be good as new. “I figured out I could just replace the part about her being a frigid woman with how she’s just another corrupt Washington politician, so that was an easy fix. I’ll probably tighten up the Whitewater section a bit, but unless there are any big surprises during campaign season, this should easily last through the election.” At press time, Willis happily realized he could simply recycle the allegation that Clinton conspired to murder Deputy White House Counsel Vince Foster without changing a single word.

[Gothmog]

12. The Onion is having fun