Man Always Carries Gun In Case He Needs To Escalate Situation

[madinmaryland]

TEMPE, AZ—Stressing the importance of being prepared for any circumstance that may occur, local man James Donner told reporters Monday he carries a gun on his person at all times in case he ever needs to escalate a situation. “I never leave home without my Glock, because you just don’t know when someone might mouth off to you in a bar and leave you with no choice but to turn a minor altercation into a tense life-or-death scenario,” said Donner, noting that he keeps his loaded weapon in a hip holster should the need arise for him to respond quickly, and with deadly force, when he is angered by a perceived slight. “Look, I hope to God no one ever tries to hit on my wife while I’m within earshot, but in the real world, things like this do happen. Sometimes you only have a split second to react and make things exponentially more dangerous.” At press time, sources confirmed Donner was pulling up next to a Honda Civic that had cut him off in traffic several blocks earlier.

Here is the link: http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-always-carries-gun-in-case-he-needs-to-escalat,38374/

Only the Onion could pull this off!!

[DreamGypsy]

1. A bit of musical satire to complement The Onion....Blow Em Away

...

[Politicalboi]

2. Pretty soon the Onion will be true

They're almost predicting the future.

[Electric Monk]

3. (Jan 2001) Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over'

WASHINGTON, DC–Mere days from assuming the presidency and closing the door on eight years of Bill Clinton, president-elect George W. Bush assured the nation in a televised address Tuesday that "our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over."

"My fellow Americans," Bush said, "at long last, we have reached the end of the dark period in American history that will come to be known as the Clinton Era, eight long years characterized by unprecedented economic expansion, a sharp decrease in crime, and sustained peace overseas. The time has come to put all of that behind us."

Bush swore to do "everything in [his] power" to undo the damage wrought by Clinton's two terms in office, including selling off the national parks to developers, going into massive debt to develop expensive and impractical weapons technologies, and passing sweeping budget cuts that drive the mentally ill out of hospitals and onto the street.

During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.

more
http://www.theonion.com/articles/bush-our-long-national-nightmare-of-peace-and-pros,464/

[Hekate]

4. Oh so that's the guy who accidentally discharged his gun in church yesterday!

[HughBeaumont]

5. Gee, When Did the Onion Stop Doing Satire Dept.

This is Northeast Ohio's suburbs.

[madinmaryland]

6. It's the same thing down in Boehner territory in SW Ohio...

where I now live.

[ManiacJoe]

7. The Onion is always an entertaining read.

[TampaAnimusVortex]

8. Would it work like this?

[onehandle]

9. Uh, this is every concealed carry/open carry individual in America.

This is their argument for this so-called 'right.'

The Onion is slipping.

[iandhr]

10. You almost had me for a minute

[stone space]

11. Wouldn't It Be Great if Everybody Had a Gun?

[Electric Monk]

13. So safe...

more...
http://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=view_post&forum=1262&pid=6067

[Paladin]

12. Another demonstration of the thin line between satire and sick reality. (nt)

[Orrex]

14. "Satire" should at least be somewhat realistic. This could never happen.

Oh, wait a minute.

[madinmaryland]

15. +1