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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsThank fucking hank… my mother finally died.
She's had diagnosed Alzheimer's for 12 years. If we, as a society allowed a compassionate option, she would have chosen death 6 years ago when she still could chew and talk and appreciate wit.
BigDemVoter
(4,150 posts)I know I certainly don't want my life extended just for the sake of extending it with no thought of quality. . .
had terminal lung cancer, COPD, and was dependent on oxygen. He gasped for breath. It really was a blessing when he fell out of bed, and hit his head. He died shortly afterwards. He would never have wanted to have his life prolonged.
ScreamingMeemie
(68,918 posts)...for the loss of your mother 6 years ago, and that you had to endure that pain with her for so long. It is an awful, awful thing to watch, and I'm so sorry you had to go through it.
hrmjustin
(71,265 posts)cwydro
(51,308 posts)but so sorry for your loss.
I do also understand that the loss occurred years ago.
An awful disease.
BrotherIvan
(9,126 posts)I hope you do feel some sense of peace about it and I hope you get some time to take care of yourself while you grieve. My thoughts are with you.
marym625
(17,997 posts)I know that you lost her, the woman she was, years ago. I am sorry for the years of needless suffering she, you and your family endured.
Absolutely right, we are a nation that truly lacks compassion. We have to change that.
enough
(13,259 posts)I also felt huge relief and gratitude when my father died with Alzheimer's. Yes, we need a compassionate option to alleviate the years of completely pointless and unnecessary suffering from this disease.
Hoping your coming years are better. It takes a while to recover.
msanthrope
(37,549 posts)uppityperson
(115,677 posts)And I very much agree.
CaptainTruth
(6,592 posts)I hope you can find peace. She's no longer afflicted by that terrible disease.
Triana
(22,666 posts)for so long. I fully support death with dignity laws. They should be the law of the entire land.
Peace to you and yours my friend.
Paper Roses
(7,473 posts)If something horrible afflicts me, I want to be able to say, "that's it". There is no reason for society to demand that we prolong suffering for the individual and families. Who does it benefit? Only the providers of end of life care(if you can afford it). This care is at the expense of the person suffering and of their families, not only in mental anguish but financial horror.
We all know that the end will come someday. We should have the option to decide that now is the time.
My sympathy for your loss, what a trial you have been through.
calimary
(81,298 posts)It's a shame you both had to endure that. I couldn't put it better than anyone else on this thread already has. I'm in complete agreement. We've become entirely too mean, hard-hearted, and utterly devoid of any human compassion. May you have peace, healing, and renewal.
shanti
(21,675 posts)May your mother be in a better place.
Aerows
(39,961 posts)and hopefully she will find peace, and you will too, Luminous Animal.
They_Live
(3,233 posts)and I was so glad she was finally released from her agony. She had cancer that was slowly working up from her lung into her brain. I am sorry for your loss, but happy for your relief.
Ramses
(721 posts)I had a family member with advanced Alzheimer's. It was no life whatsoever. A shell of a person who became violent and didn't recognize his own wife. He passed one night in restraints to protect himself and other.
The cause of death with asphyxiation. He literally forgot to breathe. His brain was so ravaged that he didn't remember how to breathe. It advanced to affect the autonomic nervous system. A hell of a way to die and a travesty to the entire family. Nothing but sympathy for you.
TYY
Ramses
(721 posts)This should be respectfully dedicated to Luminous Animal. I do thank you though for your response.
Well wishes and positive thoughts to Luminous Animal right now.
babylonsister
(171,066 posts)My heart goes out to you. I have never had your experience, but I've heard and read about them. Honesty wins.
sheshe2
(83,785 posts)So very sorry for your loss. I know your pain.
It was way past time for you both. We need a more peaceful, compassionate and dignified way to let our loved ones go. We need a choice.
Intense hugs to you and yours.
May your mom finally rest in peace.
giftedgirl77
(4,713 posts)My father passed away from cancer in Sept & it sucked.
handmade34
(22,756 posts)forest444
(5,902 posts)I wish I had thought to contribute to this heartbreaking thread. Just beautiful.
And to Luminous Animal: God bless you and yours.
Response to Luminous Animal (Original post)
Post removed
nruthie
(466 posts)I do, and I have never heard of them killing you if you aren't dead after the 6 months is up. Most terminal patients are near death by the time hospice steps in to help. An I say thank God for morphine drips.
Warpy
(111,267 posts)That shows a total lack of understanding of hospice care.
"Six months to live" is not in a contract, it's a physicians best estimate. There have been people who have rallied and a few have gone into remission and hospice merely discharges them. Others take longer or shorter periods to die. They don't kill patients with morphine, they use it only to treat pain. Alzheimer's patients aren't in pain, not after progressing beyond the point of knowing they're losing it.
However, any hopeless diagnosis should come with a way out. Most people would take great comfort in knowing it was there but not use it. This has been the reality in states that have physician assisted euthanasia laws.
Luminous Animal
(27,310 posts)with her progressive deterioration. The last one, critical care
. she was so high functioning that they had to put a picture of her on the door to warn visitors not to let her walk out with them.
Three months later, she her functioning brain was gone and she has lived for 7 more years.
Alzheimer's patients and those who take of them have no clue as to when to pull the trigger.
Hekate
(90,708 posts)I think you are beyond inaccurate in your assertion.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/01/18/AR2007011800616.html
Art Buchwald, 81, the newspaper humor columnist for more than a half-century whose newfound comic material about death revived his celebrity, died of kidney failure Jan. 17 at his son's home in Washington.
Buchwald, an owlish, cigar-chomping extrovert whose column won the Pulitzer Prize for commentary in 1982, teased death for the past year, after kidney and vascular problems forced doctors to amputate one of his legs just below the knee. Refusing dialysis, in February he entered the Washington Home and Community Hospices, which he described as "a place where you go when you want to go."
Then, amazing himself, his doctors, friends and the scores of reporters who thronged to him for a last goodbye, Buchwald didn't die. His kidneys began to work again. By July, he left hospice for his summer home. "Instead of going straight upstairs, I am going to Martha's Vineyard," he wrote. >snip<
uppityperson
(115,677 posts)have only 6 months to live but often people are on longer. Having worked on hospice, as a hospice nurse, saying we kill people in 2 days after 6 months is extremely insulting.
Educate yourself because if that is truly what you believe, you are very wrong.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hospice
https://www.hospicenet.org/html/faq.html
At any time during a life-limiting illness, its appropriate to discuss all of a patients care options, including hospice. By law the decision belongs to the patient. Most hospices accept patients who have a life-expectancy of six months or less and who are referred by their personal physician.
2. Should I wait for our physician to raise the possibility of hospice, or should I raise it first?
The patient and family should feel free to discuss hospice care at any time with their physician, other health care professionals, clergy or friends.
3. Is all hospice care the same?
No. Many communities have more than one hospice. Medicare requires certified hospices provide a basic level of care but the quantity and quality of all services can vary significantly from one hospice to another. To find the best hospice for your needs, ask your doctor, healthcare professionals, clergy, social workers or friends who have received care for a family member. You may want to call or meet with the hospices and ask questions about their services.
4. Can a hospice patient who shows signs of recovery be returned to regular medical treatment?
Certainly. If the patients condition improves and the disease seems to be in remission, patients can be discharged from hospice and return to aggressive therapy or go on about their daily life. If the discharged patient should later need to return to hospice care, Medicare and most private insurance will allow additional coverage for this purpose.
AtheistCrusader
(33,982 posts)dignity.
That was a horrible post.
Crunchy Frog
(26,587 posts)MelungeonWoman
(502 posts)I just went through something very similar with a friend. He was having hospice care at home and it was suggested to his wife to take him to Kobacker House for 5 days of 'respite'. She left him that night fully ambulatory, he was hungry and wanted something to eat, she assumed they would feed him. When she came back the next day he was in a medically induced coma and died after 3 days, I would guess from dehydration. Peace to you.
Cal Carpenter
(4,959 posts)smh
Can't believe you hijacked this thread with such bullshit and you don't even come back to defend yourself or admit how totally fucking wrong you are.
Sorry to the OP for adding to the pile-on on this subthread but having experience with this I just couldn't keep my mouth shut.
HERVEPA
(6,107 posts)Downwinder
(12,869 posts)If fact many do and are criticized for their "dangerous behavior."
DawgHouse
(4,019 posts)The slow death that is Alzheimer's is heartbreaking. I have been there.
Archae
(46,328 posts)(With exceptions, of course.)
But when my Father 5 years ago was told his pancreatic cancer was back, they gave him an option for more chemo, and he told them simply no.
It only would have extended his pain a few months.
A few months later his sister, my aunt, died of a severe stroke with complications.
The hospital wanted to suck her insurance dry.
And they did, she died finally, but was hooked up to so many wires and tubes, and she wasn't there, if you know what I mean.
Warpy
(111,267 posts)but I felt much the same way, a massive relief but a massive shock at the same time.
It's insane to force people to wring as much misery out of a prolonged death as possible.
KMOD
(7,906 posts)I don't think people who have never experienced such an event can completely understand the relief when death finally comes.
But many of us do.
Hugs and peace to you.
Siwsan
(26,263 posts)On Wednesday. She was diagnosed with 'dementia', about 5 years ago, and went into a sharp decline right at the first of the year. So, in a way, we were lucky because this was a relatively short nightmare.
My mother's disease was exacerbated by a series of 'dry' strokes, which may be the explanation for the relatively short duration of the disease process. For that I am thankful.
Please accept my sincere condolences.
Dont call me Shirley
(10,998 posts)veness
(413 posts)Hekate
(90,708 posts)I hope to gods that none of our resident life-at-all-costs-this-means-you-want-to-kill-the-disabled folks shows up in this thread. May they simply read and learn the depths and complexities there are to human suffering.
Peace, Luminous, peace.
LeftyMom
(49,212 posts)There are a handful of words that, as soon as I hear them from a doctor, I'm driving straight over the border to a pharmacia and buying enough opiates (or whatever else will do the trick) to grant myself a quiet and painless exit. That one's the top of the list. Cancer is a close second.
We don't show people the mercy we'd show a sick dog. It's so very fucked up.
enough
(13,259 posts)BEFORE hearing those words from a doctor. And we need to tell someone we trust what we want to do and how we want to do it. By the time you hear that diagnosis, you are very likely not competent to do this for yourself.
SunSeeker
(51,559 posts)I hope now that your mom is at peace you will be at peace too.
Although, I know that is easier said than done. It's been years since my mom's slow painful passing. I am still haunted by the look on her face, that hospice...it was hell on earth. I am glad that hell is behind you now. I hope you can find a way to keep it behind you.
veness
(413 posts)Blaukraut
(5,693 posts)My mom died last year after suffering from dementia for 5 years. Thankfully, her heart gave out after a pelvic fracture so she didn't have to go through the worst of the dementia. She was in a nursing home for two years already, her disease progressing rapidly. Still, we might have looked at another two or three years of misery for her and us.
You have been grieving the loss of your mom for years, without getting to say a final goodbye. Now you finally can do that and move on.
Thav
(946 posts)You really lose them twice. I lost my grandpa 3 years ago to it, and he passed away last year. I visited him once about two years ago and said, "Hi Grandpa." He responded, "I'm not your grandpa." That hurt bad.
I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope you remember your mother as she was before the disease.
hunter
(38,316 posts)... and everywhere else, insisted I was her father and that I should stop teasing her.
Somehow I managed to choke it down, shift gears and play the part, and she was happy.
She died a few days later.
Still, better than Alzheimer's. My wife's grandma and her family suffered through that, and I know it was worse.
MrMickeysMom
(20,453 posts)When I hear this song from the Dixie Chicks, it speaks volumes about Alzheimers
I'm sorry and understand your relief, LA
KMOD
(7,906 posts)Thank you for posting that.
Ken Burch
(50,254 posts)There's also this, by Elvis Costello:
Is it all in that pretty little head of yours?
What goes on in that place in the dark?
Well I used to know a girl and I would have
sworn that her name was Veronica
Well she used to have a carefree mind of her
own and a delicate look in her eye
These days I'm afraid she's not even sure if her
name is Veronica
Chorus:
Do you suppose, that waiting hands on eyes,
Veronica has gone to hide?
And all the time she laughs at those who shout
her name and steal her clothes
Veronica
Veronica
Did the days drag by? Did the favours wane?
Did he roam down the town all the time?
Will you wake from your dream, with a wolf at
the door, reaching out for Veronica
Well it was all of sixty-five years ago
When the world was the street where she lived
And a young man sailed on a ship in the sea
With a picture of Veronica
On the "Empress of India"
And as she closed her eyes upon the world and
picked upon the bones of last week's news
She spoke his name outloud again
Chorus
Veronica sits in her favourite chair and she sits
very quiet and still
And they call her a name that they never get
right and if they don't then nobody else will
But she used to have a carefree mind of her
own, with devilish look in her eye
Saying "You can call me anything you like, but
my name is Veronica"
Chorus
Freddie
(9,267 posts)Huge Elvis fan here, he wrote that song and "That Day is Done" in honor/memory of his beloved grandmother.
I too dealt with the loss of my Dad to dementia, luckily for us it was only 3 "bad" years until a stroke ended his life at 92.
Ken Burch
(50,254 posts)May you find healing as you work through both your grief and your fully justified anger.
TeeYiYi
(8,028 posts)Solidarity.
TYY
BlancheSplanchnik
(20,219 posts)Peace. Finally. For you all.
I wish we could use compassion as our guide.
My Dad drank himself to death...the last couple years I couldn't visit any longer. I told him I couldn't bear to see what he was doing to himself.
dballance
(5,756 posts)We had to watch my father waste away and suffer for months from cancer. We couldn't lay a sheet on his body without it causing him pain.
We wouldn't subject a dog to that kind of suffering. We'd be humane enough to end their suffering.
Fuck all the churches that say ending one's life at a time of one's choice is a sin. It's a sin to make other humans suffer for no reason.
Initech
(100,079 posts)My grandma had Alzheimer's and LBD - and it didn't end well either. That's a horrible way to go and once its over its over. No one should have to suffer like that.
Luminous Animal
(27,310 posts)if I missed anyone, I apologize but please know, every post on this thread means a lot to me.
TYY
Maynar
(769 posts)Can't imagine how it must be for you.
Sincere condolences.
AtheistCrusader
(33,982 posts)I've gone through that with a parent as well, but fortunately he did not linger long beyond the 'nobody home' barrier. I cannot imagine 6 years of it, and I hope your family has peace at last.
There is a well connected and well financed church with a strong subscriber base that fights tooth and nail to keep an option that any human person would do for a pet, for fuck's sake, fully illegal for the people we love the most. No matter how badly they want it. No matter how much they are suffering. None of that matters to the RCC. When we legalized it here in Washington state, every individual donor in the top 15, and every organization in the top ten donor list, was some tentacle of the catholic church. We even had martin sheen in practically every commercial break, whipping off the glasses he didn't even wear for dramatic effect, lying about the way the law worked to scare voters the other way.
It was a vicious fight, but reason prevailed and I-1000 passed. 3 states in the union have now recognized this fundamental right, and yet... we have a lot of work to do.
Beaverhausen
(24,470 posts)She had Alzheimer's but cancer took her fairly quickly.
Hope you can find peace in your happier memories of her.
ucrdem
(15,512 posts)I've lost several in the last year and just got back from the ICU where my favorite aunt is lying in a coma that she's not likely to come out of. I have a lot of mixed feeling, sadness and relief and regrets that I didn't spend more time with each one, but in the end you just have to say goodbye and promise to remember them. Anyhow hang in there.
Are_grits_groceries
(17,111 posts)It is the worst and the best moment rolled into one.
Take care of yourself.
MelungeonWoman
(502 posts)My grandmother was just diagnosed with Alzheimer's when she fell and broke her hip, she never recovered from that. Very grateful we were spared the agony you were forced to endure. Peace to you.
seaglass
(8,171 posts)lose a parent in this way. Wishing you and your family peace.
polly7
(20,582 posts)sharp_stick
(14,400 posts)My Grandfather had Alzheimer's and "lived" for almost 13 years without knowing who he or anyone else was.
tblue
(16,350 posts)She's doing very well so far, but I fear for what's coming. My mil had it too and she lived about 10 yrs after her diagnosis. It was a slow and gentle passing, though she spent the last 3 years sleeping and being spoon-fed. Once in a while she uttered a word or two.
So I know what you've been through and I think I totally get what you're saying. I'm so sorry for your loss, and her loss.
blogslut
(38,001 posts)I have not been personally affected by Alzheimer's but I had a roommate who worked with patients afflicted with it. She was not one for bitterness but when she spoke of that disease, she could barely contain her anger at it's cruelty.
Oilwellian
(12,647 posts)My father is 89 and has had dementia for the past ten years. I've watched him slowly deteriorating, so I can relate to what you experienced with your mom. It's so hard watching a parent become so vulnerable and helpless.
ctsnowman
(1,903 posts)panader0
(25,816 posts)I lost my father to dementia over ten years ago.
CrispyQ
(36,470 posts)If only we had a compassionate society when it comes to issues of birth & death. Alas, the crazies have been allowed to take over the conversation - all for profit. It's obscene.
Strength to you & your family.
riderinthestorm
(23,272 posts)Your post is wise and terribly sad at the same time.
Hope you can find some peace now.
Dont call me Shirley
(10,998 posts)Peacetrain
(22,877 posts)But it was actually an aneurism that took him from us.. and it was a blessing.. and this is hard to explain to people who have never walked a mile in your shoes or my shoes...
So sorry you had to endure watching your Mom suffer for 12 years with this horrific disease.
brer cat
(24,568 posts)Death with dignity is rarely possible with Alzheimer's. I am sorry you and she suffered for so many years.
Coventina
(27,120 posts)It is a fate I would wish on nobody.
Not even the worst human I can imagine.
Not only is it torture for the victim, but for the entire family.
I know I'm preaching to the choir here, but it just can't be said enough.
Chemisse
(30,813 posts)Whether your actual loss was this week, or 6 years ago.
May she rest in peace at last.
bettyellen
(47,209 posts)Few friends understood how I'd really lost her many years before. Thank you for this OP.
And hugs if you want them.
Gothmog
(145,291 posts)CountAllVotes
(20,875 posts)and may your late mother RIP. which I shall light today for you and her.
cherokeeprogressive
(24,853 posts)Autumn
(45,096 posts)peace13
(11,076 posts)I understand what you are saying here. Take care and be kind to yourself. I send you love and healing energy, Kim
WinstonSmith4740
(3,056 posts)but understand your relief. My mom was in the throes of that horrible disease for 3 years when she mercifully passed. Every day was a challenge. Put your feet up...you've earned it.
lark
(23,102 posts)My dad had cancer for 13 years, off and on, and chemo for 4. He was in such pain, and so out of it, that it was a relief in a way when he passed. Mom had lung issues, we knew that, but the dr's never told us she was terminal and end stage so it was a complete * utter shock when she went into heart and lung failure a day after she'd been walking around, talking about getting back into her Assisted Living apt., felt good and was happy. They had to put her on a vent, but she couldn't come off it because she lungs wouldn't work and we had to make a decision. It was the hardest thing I've ever done and it continues to haunt me. I feel certain we did the right thing but my sister feels like "she" (we) murdered our mom. Mom had 2 living wills with contradictory information, so we were in a horrible place.
octoberlib
(14,971 posts)Dementia so I know all too well what you both went through. Peace to you both.
Bluenorthwest
(45,319 posts)I understand all of your post including the relief, the gratefulness for her release. At long last, release. They did not go gentle into that good night, that much we can say....
LeftishBrit
(41,205 posts)mountain grammy
(26,622 posts)my deepest sympathies to you and your family.
shenmue
(38,506 posts)WillyT
(72,631 posts)Peace...
Thunderbeast
(3,414 posts)Both Gingrich and Obama have called for significant research initiatives into brain and neurological disorders. In his 2012 campaign, Gingrich correctly pointed out that the impacts of brain disorders will bankrupt the health care system as boomers age. In addition, the rising costs of the lost potential and treatment costs for various mental illnesses devastates families and communities. After the election, President Obama made a similar speech.
I wish that Gingrich and Obama had shared a stage to advocate for their common views on the subject. Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, M.S., Schizophrenia, Autism, Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, Depression, and many more horrible diseases may find new treatment strategies based on a foundation of research into neurological disorders.
Families bear a huge burden when these diseases strike close to home. As a society, we may have trouble paying for the millions of folks who are destined to join those needing "memory care". It would be better to unleash the research community to prevent these tragedies.
Liberal_in_LA
(44,397 posts)Terra Alta
(5,158 posts)You are in my thoughts.
MissDeeds
(7,499 posts)for what your mom and you have had to endure, Luminous Animal. Alzheimer's is a brutal disease that claims many victims, other than the one afflicted with the disease. I am glad your mom is free and that you and your family at last have peace.
Many hugs and good wishes to you, and gentle passage to your mom.
Shoonra
(521 posts)Very sorry for your loss.
I know it's very chafing to be thinking thoughts like "it's about time" in the very midst of mourning. Time will heal this hurt eventually.
In the meantime, the rest of us should prepare Living Wills and Medical Directives and so forth, in preparation for the inevitable.
mazzarro
(3,450 posts)dooner
(1,217 posts)Anybody who has gone through Alzheimer's with a parent or close family member understands exactly how you feel.
Such a horrible disease. I'm very sorry for you and your family.
I'm relieved that a new bill is being proposed in California, modeled after Oregon's Death with Dignity law
http://www.mercurynews.com/health/ci_27357033/california-bill-would-allow-terminally-ill-end-life
Warren Stupidity
(48,181 posts)My mom flunked hospice. She would have liked to have died eight years ago, now she is rotting in bed, unable to do much of anything, fitfully lucid, but unable to die.
I don't even know what the right words are. When my wife's mom finally died after years of Alzheimer's, a complete vegetable brain at the end, we mostly felt overwhelming relief. "Sorry for your loss" isn't the right expression is it?
Bossy Monkey
(15,863 posts)but given the choice would have chosen to go at least five years before that. (In spite of being Catholic, she always said that if she lost her faculties, she didn't want to be kept alive.) All the same, all condolences. If you're anything like me, you'll find yourself dreaming about her in every stage of her life, sometimes fully alert, sometimes doddering, for years. It's been 11 1/2 years for me; the dreams are finally slowing up. Peace to you and to your family.
Blue_In_AK
(46,436 posts)Even two months after my mother's debilitating stroke was too long for me. Our family was relieved when she had the heart attack that killed her.
That being said, I am sorry for your loss. It's never easy to lose a parent.
woo me with science
(32,139 posts)I am sorry for your pain and your mother's.
Sissyk
(12,665 posts)Peace to you and your mom.
femmocrat
(28,394 posts)May you find peace now that her suffering has ended.
sarge43
(28,941 posts)Anyone who says "life at any cost" has never had to pay that bill. I completely understand your relief. I felt the same when my mother's agony was over.
In the days ahead, peace, comfort and the loving memories.
Stargazer09
(2,132 posts)And I'm very sorry she had such a prolonged death.
sir pball
(4,742 posts)My brilliant, achieved, incredibly bright and engsging mom was diagnosed with early-onset in 2006. She just sort of gave up, by '10 she was in care and I'm hard pressed to get a flicker of a smile from her these days, let alone speech or recognition.
I grieved for her a long time ago, as did the rest of the family. When she finally passes, we will shamelessly celebrate her release
Curmudgeoness
(18,219 posts)even if you really lost her years ago. I understand just how you feel. There are too many people who need the option to end their life with dignity.
But it is still hard. Peace.