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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsThe downward spiral a journal of the journey
I thought I would right down the experiences of the last 5 years while I still can. This may ramble, Im sure some of it is self indulgent bitching. But these have been my experiences of going from a 6 figure a year job to the brink of homelessness and suicide. Read on if you want. It matters only to me to write this down. Maybe someone will recognize the warning signs I missed and avoid what we have experienced. Im not much of a writer, so its probably not a great read, but it follows a path that I truly believe can befall almost anyone.
5 years ago I believed fully in the American dream. Couldnt stand the Bushes, but I truly believed the system was there to help you if you needed it. That there was no reason to be homeless, hungry and hopeless unless thats what you wanted. The system had a safety net and all you had to do to rise above it was to pull yourself up by your bootstraps.
I couldnt have been more wrong. After five years of trying to pull myself up it became 100% clear that they system is designed to keep you down when you fall. The system is more concerned that 1 person gets something they dont deserve than ensuring 1000 get what they do deserve.
Five years ago at the height of the economic crash I was laid off from a job I had been working at for 20 years. I had been making 6 figures in that job. I was an expert in my field. I had absolute faith in myself to continue in my field indefinitely. The first lesson I learned
companies no longer value loyalty. Seems that loyalty and longevity are viewed as an expense rather than an asset. Its better to hire a know it all college graduate (and they need jobs too dont get me wrong) with zero practical experience in delivering a solution for 75k than to continue to fund an aging developer making 50% more. Despite the fact, that the experience and common sense granted by 20 + years of actually doing the job resulted in better solutions in half the time. The first law of US business today is THIS quarters profits. Not long term growth, not customer satisfaction, not in building a competent and dedicated group of employees. Lets face it, this was before Obama care. I had had 2 spinal fusions that were work related, had high blood pressure, severe insomnia and depression, and a slew of other minor health issues. My insurance was expensive; my salary was at least on paper expensive. I was not considered an asset anymore, merely a liability to be eliminated.
Thank heavens for the extended unemployment benefits! I thought I would be able to get another job in my industry in quick fashion. Again I couldnt be more wrong. Months went by. Dozens of phone interviews a few in person interviews
nothing. I was overqualified (I would have taken an entry level position by the end of that time
overqualified is such a LAME reason not to hire someone. A better way to look at it would be what a bargain!). I wasnt qualified on the latest tech
I didnt have a broad enough experience base (remember I was at the same company for 20 years). The reasons, when I could get them, repeated and repeated. Im absolutely sure the fact Im in my 50s had nothing to do with it (yes
sarcasm).
This went on for two and a half years. During this time I started to see how the system worked. The only income we had during this time was unemployment and a small military disability check. When we tried to get health care for my wife, who is in very poor physical shape we were denied. She could have gotten it if she had been disabled. Her application for disability was denied because she couldnt get the physician appointments she needed to get it documented and she couldnt get the appointments because she had no health insurance. The first of many catch-22s we would encounter. We applied for food stamps and we were denied. Seems the 120 dollars a month I got for military disability put us 14 dollars over the cap. Lets put that in perspective (and the amounts are from my memory so not 100% accurate Im sure). 14 dollars too much in income meant we lost 300 dollars in food benefits. If I had not served
if I had not exited with a disability we would have been able to eat
instead we lived on Ramen and the dollar store. We frequently were hungry. My wife was always in pain and we could not do anything about it. We had fallen through the first safety net.
This continued for what seemed forever. Then in December of that year we got great news. My wife would qualify for Medicaid. In fact, her approval was back dated 8 months! We got the news 5 days before Christmas and we were giddy knowing that she would soon be able to receive health care as soon as her card came in. We waited until the Medicaid card came in. It came in on the 28th. My wife started making calls to get service and found out that her Medicaid had been cancelled on the 1st of the new year. I guess the income guidelines changed
my income certainly didnt, and we no longer qualified. The Medicaid card was valid exactly 3 days and she couldnt get an appointment in the last 3 days of the year. Now keep in mind that her approval was backdated 8 months. For 2/3rds of a year she was covered but they didnt tell us until the week before Christmas. In the next year we had to get divorced, not because we werent a couple, not because we didnt love each other, simply so she could get some kind of medical care. I cannot tell you how it hurts to not be able to call your spouse of 18 years your spouse. Maybe there was another way, but we couldnt find it and when we reached out for help no one wanted to help us find a way. This was the 2nd safety net failure.
The unemployment eventually ran out with still no job in sight. My depression started to deepen. I would go for days to weeks on 2 hours of sleep a night. The pain in my neck (2 spinal fusions) was growing slowly. Ever since I got out of the service I had been dealing with thoughts of killing myself. Every day, many times a day. This got worse at this time and the thoughts took more concrete form.
I was fortunate at least that I could go to the VA for healthcare. I sought help and found out that 2 more levels in my neck were going bad and that my depression and insomnia were cause by undiagnosed PTSD from when I was on active duty. I started taking anti-depressants, oxycodone and flexiril for my spine pains (say what you will about VA care, but they do prescribe adequate pain killers when you need it), we tried lots of different meds for the insomnia, but nothing worked.
I decided to apply for both my social security disability and an increase in my VA pension. Both of these are processes that take months to years to complete. I was confident given the shape I was in that I would be able to get both. Again I was wrong. I got the social security denial fairly quickly. I appealed it. Ill go into more details about these later as it is important to have some other information in context as to why I was wrong.
I went through a brief hospitalization for the depression and soon after I was blessed that a friend of mine had created a startup company. I was getting about 12.50 an hour (well
if I worked 40 hours a week it would have been
more like 7 an hour
we worked nearly 80 hours a week). The work was fun
I enjoyed it and my boss would help us out when we were short or the car broke down etc.. For the first time in 3 years we werent in immediate danger of losing our home, heat, or going hungry. As a bonus I felt useful as a software engineer again. I was valuable. The program we were working on enabled low literacy/not literate/non English speaking folks to access health care. It is truly a wonderful piece of software.
I was making 2500 gross a month. It would be more down the road if we could get the software done and get it marketed. But at least it was something. I missed a lot of work due to the increasing levels of pain, but I managed to make the time up for the most part. My pain meds increased to 120mg of oxy a day just to function. They still couldnt manage my insomnia. We tried z drugs, benzos, atypical antipsychotics. Some days I was just a zombie. About that time I desperately searched for anything that would let me sleep and found that medical marijuana let me sleep. One pull a night off a pipe and I slept every night. Unfortunately, the VA is not kind about medical MJ use. Soon I was given a choice give up the sleep I was getting, or give up the painkillers that let me even get out of bed. Back to the endless nights. They tried putting me back on the benzos (which had been the most successful of the sleep meds), but it reacted poorly to the high levels of painkillers I was taking and I ended up in the hospital via an ambulance ride from the VA clinic I had gone to for mental confusion. So they removed the benzos.
During this time I found out that since my PTSD had come about in peacetime (stupid training accident when I was a young private) and I had not actually served in a combat zone that despite the VA treating it gladly, It could not be considered for compensation. I understand that. I could get a statement from others that witnessed it, but that was 30 years ago. I honestly dont remember who all was there, I didnt stay in contact with any of them, and while the event was traumatic to me it was hilarious for the rest of the squad. It wasnt reported. So there was no real way to get a statement. I looked on the net trying to find some of my squad mates but that didnt bear fruit. I have to admit I felt a bit sorry for myself. I had an exemplary tour of military service. I went from Private E1 to Sergeant in 24 months and if I had reupd I would have been E6 at 4 years and 1 day. I had 5 army achievement medals, 2 Army Commendation medals, The Meritorious Service Medal. I had maxed reviews the entire time. But 30 years later, my word wasnt enough. If you served *1* day in a combat zone, no matter what you did, or if you were the biggest flake the service had ever seen, you werent subject to that requirement.
Now dont get me wrong, I think it is a good thing that they made it easier for our combat vets to get compensation, hell I think it is a GREAT thing, I just think they needed to a step further. This is just one of those cases were it sucked to be me. In short my application for increased benefits was denied.
About this time my spinal issues were really ramping up. My work was suffering for it. Fortunately my Social Security disability hearing was finally coming up after *18* months. Again, my thoughts turned out to be wrong. Remember the job at the startup my friend gave me? Well it seems that because of that and the fact I had been there just over a year meant I couldnt get it (and keep in mind we would have been homeless, foodless, etc. if I hadnt taken it. If the hearing had been a couple of months earlier the judge said she could have done something. The fact it took the SS Administration 18 months to get to my case didnt matter. You can always apply again
(yes thats what they told me)
So
now we are to May of last year. No disability or hope of getting it. The pain finally lands me back in surgery. My 3rd cervical spinal fusion. Everything from c4 to c7 is now fused. The pain drops off (Im able to get off the oxy!) however my hands are now numb. That might not seem like much, but when you program for a living typing with numb hands meant I had to relearn how to type. Even now many months later its difficult and my hands cramp up badly after typing for any length of time (this missive took a long time to produce). The docs told me I could either live with it or they could do c3/4 as well to try to relieve more pressure on my spinal cord. I havent elected yet to have another surgery, but the pain is again increasing. On the bright side, I returned to work 8 days after the surgery.
Work continued till the end of November 2014. Then the company ran out of money. There wouldnt be any more paychecks unless the company managed to get some revenue. I started looking for a new job and continued working uncompensated trying to help us get that revenue. Fortune smiled on us. I got a job working for a banks IT department as a senior programmer. It was contract to hire, but that was ok. We started the background check
it came back spotless. Then they did the credit check. Remember that ambulance ride from the VA clinic? It was authorized by the VA, called for by the VA, they picked me up AT the VA. They put the bill for it in my collections. The job offer was rescinded. Yes, I should have, in retrospect, been monitoring my credit. But we havent used credit in years so I didnt even think about it. So now 3 days before Christmas when I was supposed to start work (yeah they wanted me to start on the 22nd), I was again unemployed.
Let me tell you
applying for any type of job or aid during the holidays is a non starter. I tried to apply for food stamps. Voice mail boxes at human services were full. None were forwarded. You couldnt get through to anyone. We tried a GoFundMe campaign to try to fund my old position. It raised exactly zero dollars.
Eventually the year turned over
we got our food stamps this time. Weve applied for other aid through the VA homelessness programs and that aid is still up in the air. I redid the GoFundMe campaign and so far it has had the same results as before. The landlord, who is really a nice guy, is starting the eviction proceedings and our utilities are soon to be cut off. The suicidal thoughts are back full force. Thankfully we got rid of all the guns we had some years ago. If we hadnt I wouldnt be writing this. Every day is an increasing struggle just to stay alive.
Im not really sure why I typed all this up. Lots of people have been through as bad or worse. Nothing I can fight for politically at this point will help us in any form. Were at the end of our runway and the crash is imminent. The only reason I can think of, is any of this could happen to you down the road.
So the next time you want to compromise on safety net issues that dont currently directly affect you, dont. The system is rigged. The system is broken now. Folks can and do fall through the cracks. Particularly with the new congress, this is only going to get worse. Dont be us
fight to make it so that the system works.
I have no idea what will happen to us at this point. Ive got dozens of resumes out. The GoFundMe is still up. Maybe something will save us. Most likely will be signing off when the utilities go and it will go downhill the final bit from there. Heh
maybe someone here will have a suggestion
you never know.
I havent been a prolific poster over the years, but I think Ive learned more here in the past 10 years by reading all of yalls posts than I did in all the years of school I did. Keep the faith and for the sake of whatever/whoever you believe in find common ground to win back this country.
tblue
(16,350 posts)I'm I can't bear the thought of this much suffering.
Please tell me what state you live in, what major city are you near? Also, what kind of programming do you do?
Don't give up, please. Let's see if some of us can come up with something.
I live in aurora colorado... suburb of denver. I do .net programming and also android programming. The software package I mentioned is an android survey/information entry system. Great system if we could get it to market. The software is actually done. If you can't read it will read the questions to you... if you are deaf it will read them via ASL. If you don't speak english it will read them to you in your language (we do a fair amount of spanish, korean, chinese and even cherokee for the demo install base we have). It means that a doctor or clinic can still serve patients without having to hire a translator which sometimes can be few and far between). I've seen it work in clinics and the results are amazing so I've been passionate about it. I probably stuck with it longer than I should, but it's potential for getting people health care (and this is a subject very near to my heart after the last five years) is huge. To be plain, I own nothing of the company or the product. I just very much want to continue working on it. Failing that, the search for a job continues...
ND-Dem
(4,571 posts)"The system is more concerned that 1 person gets something they dont deserve than ensuring 1000 get what they do deserve."
Yes, it is. But you still have to hang on to hope cause it's all you got. If you dwell on those thoughts, they'll kill you.
Hang in there. I wish you all the best.
newfie11
(8,159 posts)I'm so sorry this is happening to you. This country is so paranoid that "someone" might get something that isn't deserved that all are punished.
Of course these laws are made by people who have never experience the repercussions of their cruelty.
Please try to hang on. Something came along before, maybe it will again soon.
Good luck to you and your wife. I'm so very sorry for this nightmare your living.
lovemydog
(11,833 posts)Habibi
(3,598 posts)Also, rec'ing and kicking.
peacebird
(14,195 posts)Flatulo
(5,005 posts)so you have to quit your job or go out on disability, if you're fortunate enough to have STB benefits. If you dont, prepare to starve, because including the 6 months of no work, it can take 5 years to finally get approved. Who in hell has 5 years of living expenses saved?
Spine problems are notoriously hard to get a favorable judgement on, because the interpretation of the MRI can be so subjective. One doctor might look at it and say "This person is a mess" and another might say "I see nothing wrong here".
The fact that you've had so many fusions hasn't helped, because they'll say "Well if he's had the fusion surgery, the problem should be solved", except there is overwhelming evidence that fusion surgery DOES NOT reduce pain after one year. And spine problems are almost always degenerative in nature, getting worse and worse year after year until you're ready to blow your brains out.
My advice is to get an experienced SSDI attorney. They do not charge a cent until you're awarded your benefit, and then the maximum they can charge is 15% of the back pay, capped at $6000. After a few appeals, you WILL get approved. Keep all your medical records and any MRIs you might have had done. You can always get this information. It's YOUR medical history, and you own it, so don't take any bullshit from anyone who tries to blow you off. Get the actual CDs with the imaging on them and include them with your application.
You're not alone, friend. I've ridden the same train that you have - good paying tech job, outsourced in 2009 after 30 years of service, followed by 3 years of spiraling salary. I was making $135K in 2009, by 2011 I was jumping from contract job to contract job, happy to get 1/2 of my prior wage. No insurance, degenerative disc disease causing your quality of life to go straight to hell, but having to work everyday or starve. My back pain was so bad that I was down to 2 to 3 hours of sleep per night. I'd wake up in agony, drive to work in agony, sit at a desk all day in agony, then come home in agony.
I finally got a decent job in 2011, where I had a STD plan. I worked for a year, then went out on disability. I waited my 6 months, then filed for SSDI. I was approved in the first pass, after waiting only 5 months (I was lucky to get a compassionate examiner, plus I had a good record of my degenerating spine, backed up by yearly MRIs showing the worsening condition). I had retained a top disability attorney, but he didn't need to lift a finger, so he didn't even take his commission. I did the application myself, and it was good enough to submit without any edits from him.
Because of my high earnings my entire life, I get a very decent benefit; not quite enough to live on, but I'm able to survive with a small monthly withdrawal from my savings.
Stories like yours are all too common - which I why I turn red when I see so much bullshit slung about over white/male privelege. Well, if you're over 50 and you lose your job due to outsourcing or downsizing, you are absolutely FUCKED. There is no place for you in the workforce. All your experience and hard work doesn't mean fuck-all when companies move your job to China so that the CEO can make $80m instead of only $40m, or can bring in H1b workers at 2/3 of your salary, and when you add in the physical injuries sustained by huddling at your desk for 12 hours per day for 30 years, until you just physically can't take another day of pain, tell me again about how fucking blessed we are.
So please share with us your GoFundMe link. I can spare a hundred bucks or so.
And please, please understand that you are not alone. There are good people here who WILL help out to the extent that they can.
Glimmer of Hope
(5,823 posts)Have you reached out to local organizations to help in the short term? Please post your GoFundMe link.
brer cat
(24,578 posts)When you have worked so hard for so long, it has to be totally devastating to lose your job and any prospects for replacing it. It is simply deplorable that there is no safety net for you.
Is there any way to fast track a new disability claim with SS since you have gone through that previously? Without the income that precluded you before, it seems you should qualify. I know another 18-month wait would be daunting, but if the time could be shortened, it would be less so.
Thank you for sharing. You are in a community with folks who care and are concerned for you and your wife (she is still that in your heart).
Heidi
(58,237 posts)Wildewolfe
(479 posts)Habibi
(3,598 posts)Do you have PayPal? I'd rather contribute that way instead of with a credit card, if possible.
I don't have much, but I can kick in a little, and kick this thread. Best of luck to you!
jedc_rathe@yahoo.com and thank you
Habibi
(3,598 posts)mnhtnbb
(31,394 posts)redwitch
(14,944 posts)Kicking this once again. He is nearly halfway to the goal and it looks like a very worthwhile cause to me.
http://www.gofundme.com/g975f0
Wildewolfe
(479 posts)I just wanted to say thank you to everyone that responded and particularly to the person that did the first contribution to the gofundme. We may still crash and burn. But it left me in tears when it came in. Maybe there is hope.
Habibi
(3,598 posts)Hugs to you and your wife! And kickin' this up again!
Suich
(10,642 posts)BlancheSplanchnik
(20,219 posts)_/\_
davidthegnome
(2,983 posts)Even on that shitty roller coaster of low, lower, lowest... and OH SHIT - even at the very bottom, if you hang on to your hope, nothing is impossible for you. Believe that. Believing it was the only thing that got me through some of my worst experiences. I think it's possible that some of these things happen for a reason. That maybe some of our hard experiences in life help us to grow and to learn. I don't mean religion, but more like a... sort of karma.
Having had this experience, when you get back to solid ground... you will be much more understanding of what the system is like, it's ups and downs, it's corruptions, red tape, stupidity and nonsense. You can also be a great advocate for those who need help like you do now.
Keep that gofundme page up. (Hey, people, let's keep bumping this thread)
Also. One thing you said really annoyed me. Mostly because it was complete and utter bull shit. I mean this line here "Im not much of a writer. "*
It isn't perfect punctuation, nor grammar, spelling, sentence or paragraph structure... it is not these things that make a great writer. It is passion - and you have plenty, even in your suffering. Any writer worth their salt would tell you the same thing. I don't mean that those things aren't important - but they are, by far, secondary to the passion and the personality of the writer. You paint a picture with your story here - using words, you show us the depth of your struggle and you do so in a way that is profoundly moving.
You need to share this post, this story right here, not just with us on DU, but with the world. Let people know the truth.
If this whole programming thing doesn't work out... consider writing freelance. You have talent, personality... and that most important thing of all for great writers... passion.
bhikkhu
(10,718 posts)its etched in my memory, at least. I've had it hard at times, but never close to that hard. Every time I hear about poor people being lazy not wanting to work, or how hard the wealthy people in this country have worked for their money, I'll think of your story. I don't suppose it makes it any easier for you, but to keep forging ahead against all challenges, with little reward, is the stuff of heroes in my mind.
Meritocracy doesn't really describe our world well. I've worked plenty hard, but luck of the draw probably has more to do with my circumstances than anything else - being able to sleep at night it my own house, with a little money in the bank and a decent job to go to in the morning.
2theleft
(1,136 posts)shrike
(3,817 posts)Please, please get an SSDI attorney NOW. If you want you can even PM me to get some ideas.
CaliforniaPeggy
(149,640 posts)My heart goes out to you..........it is horrifying to read what's been happening to you.
There are some good suggestions here, and I hope there will be more.
for you and your wife.
snort
(2,334 posts)You are a Saint. I kicked in what I could.
lovemydog
(11,833 posts)JDPriestly
(57,936 posts)We hear stories of the self-made men, the pioneers, the cowboys and farmers, the raliroadmen, the great, the industrious, stories of Americans of the past. Yours is the story of Americans of today.
Please tell it so that those in positions of power hear it. They will not answer you. But maybe if they hear stories like yours often enough, they will decide they need to listen.
I wish you and your wife well. This should not be happening to you.
Your post demonstrates that you are an intelligent, well organized, capable person. Employers should be seeking you out, not vice versa.
Wildewolfe
(479 posts)of people to send it to?
JDPriestly
(57,936 posts)That is the President's contact information.
Here is the information for members of the Senate and House:
http://www.contactingthecongress.org/
In addition to your own representatives in Congress, I would contact some of the leading Democrats and Republicans such as Nancy Pelosi, John Boehner, Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell. I would also contact liberals like Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders, Al Franken and any other senators that come to mind. In my experience, members of the House often maybe always accept only e-mails from their own constituents. So don't expect to be able to e-mail a member of the House who does not represent your district.
Hope this gets you started.
You might also write the Sec. for Health and Welfare, but I would not make that the priority.
blkmusclmachine
(16,149 posts)1,000 do get what they do deserve. (Applies to the 99% ONLY!)
CaliforniaPeggy
(149,640 posts)KingCharlemagne
(7,908 posts)Wildewolfe
(479 posts)It was my original intention to just post so the experiences would not be lost. I had no real hope.
Now, we will be able to stay warm, stay connected and not go homeless. It will give us enough runway to get back on our feet. Mary, my non-spouse spouse and love of my life, sends her profound thanks to everyone as do I. Neither one of us has adequate words to express our thanks. Thank you... x infinity.
I'm going to take virtually all the suggestions (can't think of one offhand that I won't take) that have been provided above. The wisdom y'all have provided I think is invaluable. I plan on posting more... there are several other topics that have come to mind. I'm going to see if I can leverage some of my talents to do things here. Some of them might not be quick, but they will come. My only real hobby left has been to run an internet radio station (basically free). With all the liberal voices in the MSM being slowly silenced, maybe with my ability to set up and run and others, if interested, ability to create good content we could create our own voice here. We shouldn't be silenced in this day of the net. When I have something concrete on that I will post it.
Most importantly... I am hopeful for the first time in months. I had grown so discouraged over the last few years that I would say if a button existed that would reset humanity I would press it. Now...I think I would not.
Again... words don;'t express it well...
Thank you
Tom and Mary
redwitch
(14,944 posts)A worthwhile project. Good luck!
Liberal_in_LA
(44,397 posts)mnhtnbb
(31,394 posts)I hope that the little bit I can contribute will help you and your wife...buy some time...
because it HAS to get better.
Sending you and your wife hugs.
And you are right. We have seen first hand in NC the horrible, terrible, destructive things that Republican control
of our state gov't has accomplished in just 2 years. It just is beyond belief that people actually continue to vote
against the common good.
riderinthestorm
(23,272 posts)Habibi
(3,598 posts)Hopefully draw some more eyes, y'all!
ANOIS
(112 posts)Made a small donation.
Suich
(10,642 posts)JaneyVee
(19,877 posts)Stay strong. My heart goes out to you. Keep in touch.
Wildewolfe
(479 posts)I wanted first to thank you all for your help. Because of you we won't lose everything.
We applied for a veteran's program to prevent homelessness a little before this original post was done. It looks like they won't be able to help us. They tried to offer our landlord a small amount of the backdue rent, but it wasnt enough. They supposedly help with utilities, but it turned out they give you numbers and other programs to call (found this out this morning) and might be able to help if everyone else... doesn't. Our internet will be gone tomorrow, so I won't get to post some of the other things I've been working on... court for eviction is on thursday and friday the power goes out.
All the help you all provided is going to go into moving us somewhere. It's all catch 22. I could pay the rent and freeze, pay the bills and be evicted etc. At least and again only thanks to you we have a lifeline. We can put our things in storage.
I'm not sure where we are going. I'm not sure when I will be able to get back online here. I am sure however that without the help you all so selflessly gave things would be far far worse.
Thank you all... really... from the bottom of my heart.
Tom & Mary
redwitch
(14,944 posts)davidthegnome
(2,983 posts)Wishing you all the best. Hoping you come back to us safe and sound.