(NSFW, Graphic, Trigger Warning, Language) I am male, understand rape, and didn't report mine!

[Behind the Aegis]

Last edited Mon Jan 12, 2015, 03:15 AM - Edit history (2)

There are certainly those Kreskins here who love to make the assumption they "know" I am angry about this or that and aren't even remotely close; so, to them, I AM PISSED!

I am from a family of six. Half of us have been raped. Me, my mother, and my youngest brother. Only one reported; the youngest. My mom didn't and she has proof; you are reading the post of the product of that rape. She didn't report it, yet it happened. I didn't report, yet it happened. I even had two witnesses, as my rapist thought it would be hot to shove his cock in my mouth while people watched.

Men DO understand rape; some don't give a shit, the same can be said of some women. Ever heard "oh, I hope it gets his in jail!"? Yeah? It is a "rape joke." Men make it and women make it. Some do it because they don't see rape as a "big deal", some do it because they see it as a fitting form of punishment. It is a big deal. It is NOT a fitting form of punishment nor is it justice.

Many women don't report their rapes, but even more MEN don't report their rapes! Why? There are as many reasons as their are victims, but the two most prominent are because how they will be treated if it even goes to trial and how they will be judged/blamed for their being a victim. Times have changed, but there is still a "victim "is responsible" attitude by many. Any of these sound familiar?:

-- A man can't rape his wife. (There were actual laws on the books that made such statements!)
-- Can't rape the willing. (This is often directed at gay men and sex workers.)
-- If the juices are flowing... (If a women becomes aroused, or a man ejaculates, people assume no rape occurred.)
-- "Legitimate rape"
-- What was s/he wearing? (I don't give a shit if you are buck naked, ridding through the town on a unicycle, rape is not a legitimate response!)
-- S/he deserved it. (Usually in reference to someone who has been alleged or convicted of a crime.)

I could go on and on. As many rapes as there are, there are almost as many excuses as to why it isn't really rape. It contributes to why people don't report their rapes. There is also threats, intimidation, and other forms of coercion that prevent some from going forward. I didn't go forward because not only was I gay, it was by someone I was dating, and I was in SC at the time, which still had a "marital rape" law on the books...what chance did a "fag" have of a successful prosecution in SC?! Hell, being gay there was a fucking challenge! That was in the early 90's. My mother didn't report because...let's be honest, she was on a date and it was the late 60's. She was a "bad girl" and he was a respected member of the football team. Hmmm...sound familiar?! The only reason my bother reported was because he tried to kill himself and it came out...and the trauma and bloody sheets.

Rape is NOT about sex: it is about VIOLENCE and DOMINANCE! It is about HUMLIATION! It is about DISRESPECT! But, it is NEVER...NOT EVER about SEX!

Women can be raped. Children can be raped. And yes, Men can be raped!

I don't know why others did or didn't report, but I sure understand it. I also understand what it is to survive it. I understand how humiliating it is. I understand the instinct to withdraw (others become hypersexual). I understand feeling worthless. I understand feeling responsible and wondering, "what did I do wrong?!" For those us raped by someone we know, I understand asking oneself, why did s/he do this to me?! There are those who have never been raped who can also understand up to a point, but most are just supportive, and that is helpful!

What about false reports? Sure, they happen too, just like with every other crime. But they PALE in comparison to the actual numbers of actual rapes, and are completely and statistically insignificant when one takes in consideration the number of rapes which are NEVER reported!

It isn't necessary to attack an accused rapist, that isn't what most victims even want; all we want is to be supported!

Rape is NEVER....let me fucking repeat...NEVER the victim's fault! NEVER!

[hr]

ETA: Thank you all for the overwhelming positive and supportive responses. It is very reassuring to see so many and people willing to share. I would like to remind DU'ers, there is a Sexual Assault Survivors Support (Group) at DU.

As another reminder, if you are a victim of rape or sexual assault, you don't have to suffer in silence: https://www.rainn.org/

[LeftyMom]

1. Thank you for explaining that.

I didn't report my rape because my rapist and I were married at the time, and I was extremely ill with a high fever and barely conscious when it happened. Spousal rape prosecutions are rarer than hens' teeth, and factor in my illness and the lack of unusual physical evidence? Not gonna happen.

Hell, when the same creep tried to murder me a few months later after I'd kicked his ass out the half-assed non-investigation was over before I was out of the hospital. My lack of trust in the legal system's desire to bring me safety and justice was well-founded, sad to say.

[Behind the Aegis]

2. Thank you for sharing!

I don't think many people even are aware that there were actually laws on the books which made a wife charging her husband with rape impossible. SC was one of those states.

"There continue to be significant differences in the treatment of marital and non-marital rape in 13 states: Ohio, Idaho, Connecticut, Virginia, Oklahoma, Nevada, Maryland, Mississippi, Rhode Island, Minnesota, Michigan, Iowa and especially South Carolina."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marital_rape_(United_States_law)

And people still wonder why rapes go unreported?!

[freshwest]

3. TY, BTA, you are speaking for a lot of people. And those who have endured it or know of it...

It is way, way beyond pissed, what it is for some... and I get why you left it at pissed... is murderous rage.

And some people refuse to get it, or getting it, actually get off to it. Because it's all about being a 'winner' and making another person a 'loser' and being powerful.

It's a life altering event and should not be taken as if it's a sport or a game, or minimized.

[Behind the Aegis]

36. Thanks. It is something I guess was bubbling under the surface.

Last night, the geyser just burst. I am so happy that many decided to express their feelings and their stories. I am sometimes mystified how almost all crimes are looked down upon and the victim brought near, but rape, it seems to be so convoluted, even in this day and age.

[Warren DeMontague]

4. K&R

[malaise]

5. Excellent post

Rec

[KitSileya]

6. Thank you for this.

I also thought the OP this is in response to was wrong. Men may not think about rape the same way women do - it may not pervade their lives as it does ours, at least not in most cases. Society isn't geared towards policing men the same way it does women, so it isn't such a factor in every day decisions for most men.

However, every man that has been raped certainly thinks about it, and they face tougher hurdles than women who have been raped. There are more women who have been raped, but male rape survivors face an even tougher battle to get justice and healing, I think. The silent numbers are staggering when it comes to rape. Based on the fact that most rapes aren't reported, and those who are, an overwhelming number are misfiled as not rapes, stalled by police, or simply not investigated, it means that credible numbers of rapes of women in the US numbers over a million a year. The number bandied about is 20% of women raped in their lifetime, but I think the numbers are higher. Most sexually active women have a story about a time when they didn't want to have sex but felt obligated/pressured/was too drunk/wasn't heard when they gave a soft no and so on. And for men? The toxic culture we have about masculinity makes it even more difficult for men to admit (to themselves or others) that they were raped, let alone report it.

Just the other week I read in our local newspaper about a 15-year old boy who had called 911 three times about an attempted rape. The police laughed it off, and didn't even file it correctly. When the perpetrator was arrested a week later, he admitted that he had tried to rape the 15-year old. Fortunately, that police department is now facing investigation that is being followed closely by the newspaper, and in Norway, the blue line isn't as think as it is in the US. The dispatchers in question will face disciplinary action, and may lose their jobs.

[Behind the Aegis]

37. Thank you...again.

I appreciate your sharing, but I still remember your remarks on another thread, where I even considered going out in a massive flameout! You spoke in that thread, as you did in this one, with a truth which needs to be heard.

[KitSileya]

53. I am glad I could be a support.

It is very important to make sure minority voices aren't silenced here on DU as well as in general. Trolls as well as clueless ordinary posters can be quite demoralizing, and I know that you have been an important voice on DU to counteract these forces. The bigotry and racism in threads on LGBT issues and Jewish issues/Israel is very similar to the misogyny I see on threads on feminist issues, but while they are analogous, they aren't the same, and as a straight Christian woman, I find it imperative to listen and support in those threads.

As for the topic of this OP, all the push back about rape and especially the dismissal of how difficult it is for men who are raped drives me crazy. I am an ardent advocate for feminist issues, and this narrow definition of masculinity and how men are supposed to be invincible is so harmful for all genders. This idea that only men rape, and that only women can be raped is very wrong, and harmful. The joking that teenage boys aren't raped if their rapist is a woman, for example, is part and parcel of it all. And indeed, with the doubt and derision all rape victims meet when they reveal that they have been raped, as well as the statistics that tell us that the justice system certainly don't believe victims, I find that having a default position of believing all survivors when they reveal their trauma is best. Statistically, the victim is most likely telling the truth, regardless of posters here who would claim otherwise. And for men, that is even more imperative.

[Heidi]

7. Kick, kick, kick!

[Recursion]

8. Thank you (nt)

[polly7]

9. K&R.

and I'm so sorry, Behind the Aegis. Great post.

[BlueJazz]

10. There are monsters out there in human form.

[PCIntern]

11. Thank you. K and R. nt

[OneGrassRoot]

12. Huge K&R...with much gratitude to you.

[panader0]

13. Recommended

[Coventina]

14. My mother's story is the same as yours. I'd never tell it now, if she weren't deceased.

She never shared the story with anyone - not even the husband she later married.
The only person she ever told was my sister (who then told me).

Things are getting better, but we still have a long way to go......

[Behind the Aegis]

38. You are right we have a long way to go.

I just posted upthread about how almost all crimes are reviled, but when it comes to rape, people seem to hem and haw, even in 2015. I don't get it.

[riderinthestorm]

15. I am so so sorry BTA.

I'm pretty shocked anybody believes men can't understand rape....

You're righteous anger is entirely justified. You sound like a strong and powerful survivor now. I hope you've found some measure of relief.

[jeff47]

16. It's stunning how many people don't get it

http://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=view_post&forum=1002&pid=6070291

(I'm presuming this OP was somewhat related to people like him)

[Gormy Cuss]

24. *facepalm*

I'm glad that I missed that thread.

[Behind the Aegis]

40. It was one of three (and several posts).

It was the 'perfect storm' and I just blew my lid. At first, I wasn't going to say anything, but I went downstairs to get something and I just got more and more upset, so when I came back...well, you see the result. I know I should focus more on the people who do get it, but every now and again, I get sucked into the negative.

[SusanCalvin]

17. Thank you.

This is something that needs to be heard, and I appreciate your sharing it. Some human behavior is so shocking and disgusting - and I mean both the act of rape and the treatment of victims.

[Behind the Aegis]

41. I appreciate your comments.

Welcome to DU! Just so you know, there are some fun threads too!

[SidDithers]

18. ...

Sid

[NuclearDem]

19. I fucking love you BTA.

I've been here for five years and this is the best fucking post I've seen here ever.

The fucking trolls pushing this nonsense have zero place here on DU.

[nomorenomore08]

31. + a lot

[Behind the Aegis]

42. Oh you!

[LeftishBrit]

20. I am sorry to hear about all that has happened to you and your family...

and yes, rape is NEVER the victim's fault!!!

[Behind the Aegis]

43. It is so sad how often one needs to repeat, "rape is NEVER the victim's fault!"

To me, it is one of the things that really upsets me. Too many people still try to find blame in the victims.

[undeterred]

21. ...

(((((((((((( Behind the Aegis )))))))))))))



I'm sorry this happened to you and your family. Thanks for your post.

[zappaman]

22. Big rec and a kick!

[Sissyk]

23. K&R

BtA,

[stevenleser]

25. K&R

[TM99]

26. Thank you BtA.

My mother was raped by her father as a teenager. I can only presume he raped others as he raped myself and one of my sisters.

She never reported it, and honestly didn't even face its reality until much later in life. I and my sister were too young to really comprehend what had happened. In my teens, I was then molested again by a family friend. That time I reported it and began a long journey of discovery and healing around these sexual abuses and traumas.

These experiences in part led me to become a psychotherapist myself. I have specialized training in somatics and sexology and work extensively with both male and female rape victims.

You are 100% correct. Rape is NOT about sex. It is about power, control, humiliation, etc. but it is not about sexuality or sexual expression.

You are also again 100% correct. Rape is never the victim's fault. No matter how much responsibility we can learn to take for our adult lives and choices, we are never, ever responsible for the act of rape. Only the perpetrator is...period!

Thank you for sharing your story and giving other men here the courage to share theirs. Many of us do not ever speak of these things with even our most cherished loved ones.

Bravo to you sir for speaking out and for this post.

[Behind the Aegis]

44. Thank you for sharing!

I know how tough it is. Men face different challenges, and even today way too many refuse to even acknowledge the abuse. I am glad you used your experiences to help others. It gives you a "true north" which many don't have.

Just so you know, there is a [link:Sexual Assault Survivors Support (Group)|Sexual Assault Survivors Support (Group)] if you ever want to pop in and chat, share, or discuss. It isn't a fast moving group, but there are some very poignant articles and stories.

[TM99]

55. Yes, there are some unique & different challenges.

It has been quite a few years, but I used to run a men's survivor group. It was a powerful experience.

Which specific group are you referring to? I have My Subscriptions and rarely check out others, not because of lack of interest, but usually just lack of time. DU is a huge community.

[Behind the Aegis]

56. Looks like DU is doing that disappearing links again.

It was a link to the Sexual Assault Survivors Support (Group), it is under, TOPICS, then GENDER & ORIENTATION.

[TM99]

57. Thanks.

Found it.

[Half-Century Man]

28. Why is this so hard to understand?

I think a lot of it is intentional misunderstanding. Whether refusing to accept that some people could do this, some form of self defense because the listener might have had a powerful sexually aggressive urge at some point(s), or denial of an act long ago which might have been rape.

At the very least rape is subjugation.

[Behind the Aegis]

45. IMO, it comes down to ignorance.

Despite how sexualized our culture is, it seems the darker side, sexual abuse/rape, is still taboo in such a way that punishes those who speak out and wants everyone to discuss it in "hushed voices." I also agree with your other conclusions as to why some are so defensive.

[sheshe2]

29. You are right, it is never the victims fault.

It is definitely this. "Rape is NOT about sex: it is about VIOLENCE and DOMINANCE! It is about HUMLIATION! It is about DISRESPECT! But, it is NEVER...NOT EVER about SEX!"


(((((Behind the Aegis)))))

That was a hard story to share, yet I thank you for telling it.

To you and your family, love to you for surviving.

[Behind the Aegis]

46. Too many people seem to forget or ignore it is never the victim's fault.

Others in the thread have posited some very interesting theories as to why. Sometimes, sharing the stories lets others know it is OK to "come out" and seeking help and healing.

[sheshe2]

50. I never went through it. It never happened to me.

Abuse, yes. Physical and verbal. Never rape, yet I can understand the pain and the need to never tell. It is a silent pain, we hide it. We don't talk and we don't tell. We never tell.

[Jamastiene]

30. K&R

Thank you for this post.

[REP]

32. Thank you for your courage

I didn't report mine because I was four and didn't understand how or have the language to. In fact, since I was sent to that day care every day, I didn't know it wasn't supposed to be happening, and I didn't know how to make it stop.

The guilt over not being able to do anything to help me then has nearly destroyed my brother, who was 3 at the time.

[Behind the Aegis]

47. Thank you for sharing too!

It is amazing, in such a sad way, how many of us have been affected by this issue.

[kelliekat44]

33. Thank you for your courage in sharing this. I am sure it helps many. nt

[Lithos]

34. Thanks for sharing

<<hugs>>

[Ken Burch]

35. We haven't seen eye-to-eye at times, but please know that I stand with you here.

My late wife was raped on at least two occasions before we were married(the last rape led to a suicide attempt). Other people in my family have experienced sexual abuse.

I am so sorry this happened to you. And no one had any right to imply that it was your fault or the fault of anyone else who has been raped. No one should ever question your reality.

You have every right to your anger about what happened to you and are entitled to the support of all here. I hope there are people around you who can be of some support, for you have a lot of healing to do. Be well.

Will say no more. Only hope that this post doesn't do more harm than good.

[Behind the Aegis]

48. Thank you.

It is one of the topics which is still difficult to discuss for many people. I hope others realize they aren't alone.

[Ken Burch]

51. Indeed.

And I hope we someday become the kind of world where this doesn't happen to anyone.

[Violet_Crumble]

39. Thank you so much for posting that, BtA. I hate that you and yr family have gone through that...

I'll repeat what you said because it can't be repeated enough:


Rape is NEVER....let me fucking repeat...NEVER the victim's fault! NEVER!

[Behind the Aegis]

49. I appreciate it.

It, sadly, can't be said enough: Rape is NEVER the victim's fault. I don't know about your country, but here, we have way to many politicians and leaders who are always looking to excuse rapists and blame the victims. Too many suffer in silence. They shouldn't have to do so!

[Bohunk68]

52. In all of the years that I have been at this site

this is the first item that I have ever bookmarked. I was raped by an uncle starting at 5. By the time I went to live with my mother and her new husband, I was 9 going on 10. My new step-father raped me up in the barn and it continued until I was 16 and he then said that I had to go with wimmen. At the same time, he accused me of having relations with HIS son, my younger brother. Well, we didn't, at least, not until we were much much older and it was only an experiment on his part. And then there was the time my SF handed me over to a friend of his. Nothing happened, but the guy tried awfully hard.

But, I did not think of it as rape for many years. I just thought it was the way it was and don't complain? In the late 40's and throughout the 50's, who would I tell it to? Our minister? The one who groped me in Sunday School? The local police? The one's who answered a call about my drunken stepfather beating on his parents who then told us it was a domestic dispute and left? Those cops? My teachers? Oh, fuck no, not my teachers. It would end up all over school. I was small for my age and very good-looking, so a lot of my high school friends were always making remarks. I hated the showers after gym class and the teasing. When I joined the Navy, it was much better. Until, a fellow sailor and I got caught doing it and got reported and discharged,

There was never a case of it happening again, I had gained stature and weight in the Navy. Over the years, I have tried to forget a lot of it. But, you cannot do that, it is always there. There is always the WHY?

Thanks BTA for posting this. Love to you, friend.

[aikoaiko]

54. Thank you and be well