Good advice: 10 things not to say to someone when they're ill

[snagglepuss]

snip


1 "I feel so sorry for you"

It's amazing, the number of people who imagine that it feels just great to be the object of pity. Don't even say "I feel so sorry for you" with your eyes. One of my friends was just brilliant at mimicking the doleful-puppy-poor-you gaze, and when I had been subjected to a sustained bout of it, I used to crawl over to the local pub for lunch with him, just so that he could make me laugh by doing it. Don't say "I feel so sorry for you" with your hand either. When someone patted my thigh, or silently rested their paw on it, often employing the exasperating form of cranial communication known as "sidehead" at the same time, I actually wanted to deck them. Do say: "I so wish you didn't have to go through this ghastly time." That acknowledges that you are still a sentient being, an active participant in your own drama, not just, all of a sudden, A Helpless Victim.



2 "If anyone can beat this, it's you"

Funnily enough, it's not comforting to be told that you have to go into battle with your disease, like some kind of medieval knight on a romantic quest. Submitting to medical science, in the hope of a cure, is just that – a submission. The idea that illness is a character test, with recovery as a reward for the valiant, is glib to the point of insult. Do say: "My mum had this 20 years ago, and she's in Bengal now, travelling with an acrobatic circus." (Though not if that isn't true.)




http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/apr/18/10-things-not-say-when-ill

[ScreamingMeemie]

1. My father did not tell anyone he had kidney cancer for the longest time.

He did not want to become, in his words, "Dead Man Walking" with his family, friends and coworkers.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

2. These are right on.

We were in a hospital room in a Catholic Hospital. My mother in law is dying of cancer, which was made worse by a horrible, greedy, lying oncologist and his chemotherapy he gave her. A nun came into speak to the family. Mom's lying in bed trying to be conscious, and her mother, speaking to the nun says, "This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me." I nearly dropped that old bag right there in the middle of the hospital room. The nun smiled, we prayed for my mother in law and she left as quickly as possible. As did I. I excused myself to the chapel (this was before she passed away and I still believed there was a God).
Moral of the story: personalizing someone else's sickness and suffering is not becoming and will only anger those around you.

[cali]

3. oh for pity's sake

according to this woman one should never offer to help. I really resent people who write shit like this. It's as if they think that their disease makes them an authority on how everyone going through a health crisis feels.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

5. Maybe it's the way people have done it that set her off.

[cali]

7. Maybe

I think most people mean well. and most of the stuff there doesn't bother me.

[RKP5637]

14. Agree! And it's hard to come up with what is exactly the right thing to say. One

person might be offended, and another glad one said something. For me, I would be pleased that someone cared enough about me to say something.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

16. I told my cousin that if people are standing around my death bed...

...and no one is crying I'm going to be PISSED that no one is upset that I'm dying. We were standing at her grandmother(my aunt)'s grave side just after she had been buried. We had all been told to not cry in her grandmother's hospital room. I never understood it. I would be offended and my feelings hurt. All the smiling faces would be offensive. I'm dying here and you're smiling at me? WTF?
I agree with you though is what I'm trying to say. I am just terribly verbose.

[snagglepuss]

8. That shocked me however I think her point of offeringto do specific things

has merit as someone may not be able to drive someone to appts but could drop by for an hour a week to do vacuuming or laundry.

[cali]

10. I just think she's a know it all busybody speaking for people who haven't asked her to

speak for them.

[Luminous Animal]

15. But what if you don't want someone to vaccuum or do laundry?

Damn it! If someone offers to help, then just tell them what you need and let them choose which one would work for them.

[treestar]

28. Yeah so terrible that the person has to "think of a task" for them

How the hell does the other person know what is needed?

[Prometheus Bound]

23. She said no such thing.

[dmr]

32. I agree, Cali.

I've got the stage 4 breast cancer & I don't mind the questions. I'd rather the questions or statements & I'll deal with them as I see fit.

The worse of it all is no communication because people fear that they'll say something wrong.

I know when my daughter died, no one would mention her name or her existence. That was painful for me. I wouldn't bring her up either because I thought it made them uncomfortable - & it went on that way until I realized they were 'protecting' me!

It ended up being me breaking the ice. It's okay. It hurts me more if you ignore what I'm going through, it makes me feel as if you don't care about my feelings.

I've always made it a point to talk quietly about things to friends who are going thought trying times. I do it cautiously, & I tell them to let me know if I've crossed the comfortable line for them. So far, no one has ever stopped me, & I've had friends that thanked me for breaking the ice, which allowed them to talk - because everyone else remained silent. In other words, my small talk gave eased the way to discuss more weightier things.

I don't know, I think this is something that needs to be played by ear, & while guidelines are good, the rules are not so good. For me & my cancer, I don't bring it up too much because if others won't talk about it, I think they don't wish to discuss it. I suppose it much be them just being polite. :sigh:

[lapislzi]

4. Agh. I have a seriously ill friend.

I'm sure I've done some of that...not out of crassness or insensitivity, but out of horror and grief and a sense of helplessness.

I will learn from this and learn to listen and not talk.

Namaste.

[CTyankee]

12. A very wise rabbi once said that to sit with a person grieving, you must "breathe with" them.

I think that is very wise. Breathe the air they are breathing to the extent you can. Express your sorrow. I think "I'm so sorry..." is a good response to hearing the bad news.

I have a very good friend who had a terrible tragedy in her life. She often dwells on it, sometimes for about an hour at a time. I simply listen to her, occasionally asking questions like "what did you do then?" and listening to her response. I realize it is catharsis for her and necessary for her to have it every now and then. Actually, her experience is something that gives me a sobering reminder that my problems just ain't that bad...it's a good comeuppance for self pity, I have found!

[Luminous Animal]

13. If your friend values you, she'll appreciate your concern no matter

how elegantly or inelegantly you say it.

One of the most ridiculous "word police" distortions that has evolved over the past decade or so is replacing the simple and compassionate phrase, "I'm sorry," with the more distancing phrase, "I'm sorry for your loss."

[Luminous Animal]

6. JFC. What and ass. People do the best that they can

when faced with sobering and sad news. Though, I supposed it's great fodder for a condescending article.

[Arugula Latte]

9. The author should provide a list of 10 Approved Things to Say to Someone When They're Ill

[snagglepuss]

11. She does.

[Lionessa]

17. Funny story about the lack of PC regarding such.

So I think cancer is a good way to go because you get time to put things in order. Being a control freak, this is a better option than dying unexpectedly. Now about 10 years ago a new gal showed up to begin the bowling league. Almost immediately we "learned" she had terminal cancer which she had been fighting for 6 months longer than she "should" have.

After about the third week of her coming and all conversation being about her cancer, I let an unedited comment slip out (Freudian, no doubt) that silenced her and everyone in earshot.

"You lucky stiff, I hope I get to die from cancer instead of unexpectedly."

OOOPs.

Well long story short, the next week she was exposed as a fraud as she began to ask for money to help pay for bills, and someone agreed to pay the hospital directly but of course they had no record of her, Munchausen's, I guess.

So anyway, turned out not to be as bad as it could have been, but still, I think that probably ranks as something not to say.

[Warpy]

18. Good ones

but I'd rather bore people by asking them if they want to write out a shopping list for me than let them go hungry because they don't have the energy to go themselves.

Mostly what we did on oncology units was tell dirty jokes. Making them laugh was essential to having them think, "Well whaddya know, I'm really *not* dead yet!"

The best thing anybody did for me when I was deathly sick and doped up on morphine was bring in a stack of catalogs. I couldn't concentrate well enough to read or watch TV, but those pretty pictures were great!

[RobertEarl]

19. Good Grief!!

We are all gonna die!

No one leaves here alive!!

[lunatica]

20. Except The Dick Cheney

He's has plans.

[Warren DeMontague]

21. Basically, she's managed to list everything people might say to try to be nice.

Especially if they're at a loss for words.

[pitohui]

22. no wonder her friends make long excuses not to see her

she's absolutely amazing, she has the energy to have cancer AND be a judgmental witch with a b of every word that comes out of somebody's mouth

it's clear that she hates and resents her friends and is making them walk on eggshells

if you want your friends to hate and fear you for making them feel guilty when you're sick...by all means follow this woman's advice and police other people's language when you're deathly ill

me, i tried to focus on getting well but maybe that's just me

[varelse]

24. This must be why so many people simply shun their terminally ill friends

it's like there's nothing a normal person would say that doesn't offend.

[goclark]

25. My Mother was at our house under Hospice Care

A cousin of mine called to see how my Mom was doing.

I mentioned to her that Mom was comfortable and under Hospice Care .

Her reply was ~ " When is she going to Die?"

It was not only what she said but the way that she said it that caused me to not have my cousin anywhere near me for months.

It hit the wrong nerve with me and I was too fragile to hear it.

[snagglepuss]

27. I can understand why that comment hit the wrong nerve.

My cousin told me when her Mom was dying another relative in earshot of her mother asked "who was going to get the blender?" Some people lack even the slightest degree of sensitivity.

Words matter so I'm surprised how much flack this OP is getting. A number of years ago a Sales Manager I worked with always used "that's rough to go thru" when he was commiserating. I adopted that term and found that people especially men feel more comfortable hearing that than hearing that I was sorry.

[goclark]

34. Thanks so much for understanding

[CBHagman]

26. I actually liked the list and the anecdotes.

The thing is, when you have a serious, perhaps even life-threatening illness, you don't want to be treated like a science experiment or a mirror. There are already plenty of things to deal without juggling everyone else's expectations.

[snagglepuss]

29. My sentiments exactly. I am surprised how we seem to be in the minority

and baffled how the OP has riled people.

[Prometheus Bound]

30. Me too

The 10 comments listed are shallow and insensitive. I would never say any of them, but I can see some people saying them. Complaining about the article is very odd.

[Jim Lane]

31. As a cancer survivor, I agree with a lot of this article.

There's room for disagreement but the vitriol directed at the author by some DUers in this thread is undeserved. She recognizes that people mean well; she just wants to give them the patient's perspective so that they can be better friends.

Of course, seriously ill people aren't a monolith. They're still individuals, and there's no one-size-fits-all prescription. For example, this author didn't want to hear "You're looking terrible." When I was in chemo, one of my good friends was someone with whom (pre-cancer) I had a relationship of frequent friendly insults. When he made fun of my baldness, it was quite in keeping with how he'd acted toward me when I was healthy. That made me feel like a normal person who happened to have a health problem, rather than someone who might die any minute and therefore had to be treated gently.

If you have a friend or family member in chemo or some such, consider this author's suggestions, but temper them with your knowledge of the particular individual.

[snagglepuss]

33. There seems to be a beggar-can't-be-choosers attitude on this thread, that sufferers ought to be

grateful for whatever comes their way. I think many people feel unconfortable about being helpless but as the author points out there are simple ways to lessen that possible embarassment.