More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today, Midterm Madness Edition
(No. 17 in a series)
Tomorrow's the midterm election. VOTE. Because you don't want people like the ones I'm about to talk about running the country.
Restating and updating some older ones for Micheal Brown and Ferguson, MO:
* Assembling peaceably and speaking out against the murder of an unarmed teenager is an "unruly mob". Assembling to wave around assault weapons and scream angrily about "Second Amendment remedies" because the government wants to act against a deadbeat rancher is a "peaceful protest"
* "Walking While Black" is now a capital offense.
* You aren't racist; you're just sick of all African Americans being lazy, violent criminals who milk the system, refuse to be literate and speak proper English, and you think they were better off as livestock picking cotton on a plantation.
It's actually been a while since I felt like this old favorite needed updating. Then I read all about a certain candidate for the House of Representatives in Wisconsin...
* Michelle Bachmann, Louie Gohmert, Alan West, Todd Akin, Joe Walsh, Ted Cruz, Steve Stockman, EW Jackson, and Glenn Grothman are intelligent, rational human beings.
More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:
* Ruining your car's exhaust system is a great way to protest environmental regulation.
* Soccer is a gay abomination.
* You spend millions of taxpayer dollars investigating the Clinton's land deals, Bill Clinton's blow jobs, and Benghazi, then turn around and accuse the Democrats of wasteful spending.
* You're angry about all the children coming across the border from Mexico, but don't want to spend any money to do anything about it.
* Men who have lots of sex are awesome, manly studs. Women who have lots of sex are filthy whores. Homosexuality is icky and wrong. There's no inherent contradiction in combining those three sentences.
One pretty much straight from Hunter on Daily Kos:
* Wheelchair ramps are the gateway to world domination by the UN.
* The House of Representatives has no plans to impeach President Obama, and the suggestion that it does or should is all the work of Democrats like Sarah Palin, Allen West, Steve King, Darrel Issa, Tom Coburn, Jason Chaffetz, James Inhofe, Ted Yoho, Joe Miller, Jack Kingston, Joni Ernst, Randy Weber, the South Dakota Republican Party, and all those Tea Partiers who show up at town halls.
I sometimes (well, a lot of the time) exaggerate these things. This is not one of those times:
* You refuse Medicaid expansion in your state, then blame the President that there are so many uninsured people.
Yeah.
* You think there are too many frivolous law suits. You support suing President Obama for trying to do his job.
* It is a complete outrage that someone who works for the Nazi Communist Muslim N****r Gay Tyrant President Obozo wrote an email referring to conservatives as "assholes"
* Immediately after suing the President for "executive overreach" you beg him to take "executive action" because you can't get your own party to do anything either.
Nope. Not making that one up: http://www.democraticunderground.com/1017206402
* Joe Biden, the Clintons, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Dick Durbin, Elizabeth Warren, and Bernie Sanders are waging a war on white people.
* Registering black people to vote is "disgusting", "inappropriate", and a "tragedy".
* "Pro Marriage Family Values" = Blame your corruption charges on your wife's affair with a con-man.
* You scream "criminalization of politics!" every time a Republican gets caught breaking the law and is arrested for it, while you wanted to impeach Bill Clinton for getting a blow job and to impeach Barack Obama for being elected while black.
* Muslims are dangerous because they follow a bunch of bearded fanatics who advocate "convert to our religion or we'll kill you" policies. Phil Robertson is a great American patriot and everyone should watch his show.
* Football players beating up their girlfriends/wives are no big deal.
* Football player who beat up their girlfriends/wives are also manlier than those who don't.
* Oh, and it's also okay for football players to beat the crap out of their kids, too.
* Solar panels should be banned. Fracking should not.
* Rachel Maddow is too partisan for Meet The Press. Former Republican Congressman Joe Scarborough is not.
* ISIS is a looming, unavoidable threat to all life on Earth. Climate change is a hoax and even if it isn't it's no big deal.
* You have a job where you don't even have to show up for work for months at a time, barely do anything when you're at work, and insinuate that people who can't find jobs "would rather just sit around"
* You campaign for a job where you don't even have to show up for work for months at a time, barely do anything when you're at work, but think that working people having two days a week off is "ridiculous"
* Disrespectful to The Troops: Saluting them while holding a cup of coffee. Not Disrespectful to The Troops: Calling female soldiers "Boobs on the ground"
* Ebola is a looming, unavoidable threat to all life on Earth, but no extra money should be spent to combat it.
= new reply since forum marked as read
Over eighty schools shootings since Sandy Hook and you’re still more likely to pass on a gun rights meme on Facebook than to wonder if we should do something about lax gun laws.
You believe America is a Christian nation, but agree it should be a crime to feed the homeless.
You believe Bush was right to start a war in Iraq but Obama was wrong to end it.
You stand for “Family Values” then cheer as families are torn apart by antiquated immigration laws.
You think Iraq and Afghanistan are such awful, backward places because of all the guns and violence and religious zealotry but fail to see that guns and violence and religious zealotry are making us just like them.
You believe that having to pass a background check to buy an assault rifle is the government infringing on your constitutional rights but having to pass a background check to vote is no big deal.
You believe that people having a guaranteed right to purchase health insurance is bigger problem than people dying because they don’t have health insurance.
You believe that a Muslim with an AR-15 is a terrorist but a white American with an AR-15 is a patriot.
You believe the “War of Northern Aggression” should never be forgotten but think that blacks, American Indians & Gays should just stop whining and get over it.
You think Sharia law is bad but support limiting a woman’s right to control her own body.
Thanks for letting me share 
Some good ones there.
And welcome to DU! 
