Who would like a new topic....WOMEN WHO WERE ABLE TO LEAVE A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

[angstlessk]

and how they were able to do it?

[shenmue]

1. Yes

[angstlessk]

3. Some women stay and live horrible lives...and some leave

I think the earlier in the relationship they leave the better chance they have of surviving?

[shenmue]

4. True

I'm sure you're right.

[TorchTheWitch]

8. no, those who leave are the ones that want to enough to take the first step

no matter how long they've been with the abuser or how bad the abuse the ones that leave and survive are the ones that want to and reach out for help.

[ProdigalJunkMail]

20. so, it's that simple?

you just have to want to enough?

interesting...

sP

[TorchTheWitch]

21. Did I say it was simple?

No, I didn't. That first step is likely the hardest, and it's wanting to get out badly enough that makes victims take that first step no matter how terrifying it is. Taking that first step means having to weigh the desire to leave against the fear, finances, kids, and all the other problems and making the decision to take that first step because the desire to get out finally outweighs everything else. I can't even imagine how hard it is.

[ProdigalJunkMail]

26. i just disagree that wanting it is enough

it takes more... it takes bravery and strength and resolve and eventually you get to desire. there are millions who want out of bad relationships and want more than anything to get out but they lack the other things that it takes to actually make the move. yes, the desire has to outweigh all the 'other things' going on in the relationship... but you still need those other things.

we are probably on the same page... i know you want to help.

sP

[Maru Kitteh]

33. It takes resources, and too often, meaningful protection.

Society is really good at pointing fingers at women who stay and blaming them for the crimes committed against them - but damnably poor at providing them the resources and protection to leave safely.

[etherealtruth]

2. It is very hard, but very possible and very necessary

In my mind, it was made easier for me as I did not want my young children to grow up in that environment. I did not want them believing abhorrent behavior was normal.

[shanti]

29. i heard that

[TorchTheWitch]

5. they got a lot of help

And that's why you need to PM someone with your name and address to contact those people to come help you.

Those women were able to do it by stopping making excuses and reaching out to those that can help them. Take that one single step by PM'ing someone here with your name and address so they can contact everyone that you need to help you that will hold your hand the whole way. You need these experts, and you need them now.

[angstlessk]

7. Your it

[pinboy3niner]

10. Calling a women's shelter and talking to someone there might also be a good first step

Someone reluctant to make the break will at least find encouragement and support and information on options. And even if she rejects that now, she will know that help is there.

But if you're it, that's probably a good choice. Godspeed!

[angstlessk]

16. So no one is coming to save Linda and I?

You are a joker

[TorchTheWitch]

17. patience my dear

trying to find the right places and phone numbers in your area and I'm not very good at searching for stuff online.

[Texasgal]

24. Thank you for helping Torch

if there is anyone with the fire and determination to help someone in this type of situation it's YOU.

Please let me know if I can asisst you. I do alot of data research for work.

You are the best!

[TorchTheWitch]

31. ok, here's what I found out

I can't get through to your local police because their regular call lines are on recording now because of the time of night and they say to call 911. I can't call 911 myself because being in PA the call just goes to MY local police which of course can't do anything.

I found a 24 hour DV crisis hotline for your area and spoke to a very nice advocate there that said that they can't do anything unless you yourself reach out to them otherwise it's considered hearsay because I haven't either seen the problem myself nor heard it. However, she did say that you can email them yourself which is just as good as if you called them and told them to tell you that you can also email your local police. Since your friend is also having the same issue because of this guy, she can also call or email. Since you need immediate help she advised that you email the police since the hotline doesn't have direct email that they monitor like phone calls, which if you ask me is pretty stupid.

Here's their info:

http://www.ywcadetroit.org/our_programs/domestic_violence_services/domestic_violence.html

Domestic Violence 24HR Crisis Hotline: [phone]

http://www.ywcadetroit.org/contact.html

The only other thing I think I might be able to do is call your local PD (btw, which precinct is it?) on their regular number once they open the regular line tomorrow, direct them to your posts here and send them a screen shot of the PM since they wouldn't have access to my inbox. I think that what you've said in your posts here plus the PM could be considered to be much the same as if you'd sent an email to them yourself. Far better if you email them yourself though.

You've made that all important first step, but you might probably have to take the next one yourself by emailing the police yourself or if your friend emails or calls them since she's been a witness to the issue herself. If you can tell me what precinct your local police is then I can get their email address for you.

THe only other problem is though that I have to sleep in until about noon tomorrow in case I can get a shift that night at my job. They just hired me back and the schedule is full through the end of the month but they get a lot of call outs and no-shows. I'm over a week late on the rent, two months behind in the electric bill and have about $800 to my name which isn't enough to pay the slumlord. Meanwhile my car needs some minor repair to pass inspection which is due at the end of the month, my registration expired and I have to pay the car insurance in a couple of days or get dumped which means I can't register it or inspect it. Since it's way more than likely that I could do any fill in shifts this week they'll be night shifts which means I won't be getting home until about 3am or 4am, hence the need to be sleeping so late tomorrow. I just can't do anything that might jeopardize my making some money right now.

[mercuryblues]

6. this thread

you will find a list of numbers to call.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/125525481

I recently read an article that had this suggestion. Tell NOONE. You mentioned in a previous post that you had told a friend and she told your abuser, Tell no one. After the fact call a family member and let them know what you have done, so they do not worry about where you are. Do not tell them where you are.

Follow the advice of DV counselors.

[NRaleighLiberal]

9. my wife's friend did - but it took a long time. And very supportive, good friends.

She hid most of what was going on from my wife - one of her best friends. I think it was a lack of self esteem and damage done by her former husband - he just wore her out, in so many ways. We had to watch this from afar for nearly 20 years. Finally, when he went too far, it took my wife and her other good friends to be there to provide support and a positive message that there was a life - a much better life - without him. She is lucky - he is out of her life, and she is adjusting very well. But it will probably always be hard for her - she is a really wonderful person, far more wonderful than she could ever admit to herself - he stole that from her.

So a safety net - good friends - and somehow, realizing that there is something better - that's a start - for how to move forward, from what we've observed with those we know who have been through it. Mostly - you've got to decide you have had enough - and that you can move on forward without him, and it will be better.

[spanone]

11. k&r...

[xmas74]

13. I told no one.

I transferred my job to another city and slowly packed up what I needed without him noticing. I didn't take everything-just what I needed.

I didn't want my baby growing up with an asshole for a father.

[angstlessk]

14. BOXING HELENA

I used to tell my friend, unless Eric cut off my arms and legs, I am responsible for my actions...

Moved to Detroit..no running water, no heat..used to cook and clean till he refused to bring water up to wash dishes...he destroyed all dishes and served food on paper plates..it turned out that all Linda and I could do was waste away while he controlled every aspect of our lives..till he hated us because he had to take care of us...it is a catch 22

And now he wants to kill us because we depend on him...sort of like the family killer....he wants to leave, but can't cause we depend on him

[Paula Sims]

15. Let's amend that to say -- WOMEN WHO WANTED TO LEAVE A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP AND HOW THEY DID IT

"Toxic relationship" is defined differently and only the person in such a relationship can truly say "yes/no" to whether it's toxic. Yes, people can point it out, but only the person living in it can say "yes".

Look at Hillary -- Bill was/is obviously a womanizer and she chose, for whatever reason(s), to stay in the marriage. To work through it. Of course people wanted her to divorce him, but who are we to judge why she stayed? Only she knows if it was the right decision. We're not in her shoes.

My Right Wing brother thinks I'm in a toxic relationship (I've been married 25 years and he's on his second marriage) because I don't want McMansions and a "look at me" lifestyle. Nope, I have other (serious health) issues that I choose not to share with him and what he sees he judges on.

"Judge not least yea be judged", walk a mile in another man's moccasins -- whatever the phrase. We can only help and support -- not judge.

[NutmegYankee]

18. take photos of the damage and injuries. Write down dates and events.

Flee to a friends house that is secure and apply for a restraining order. Once before a judge, present the photos and journals.

We had a family friend leave a very violent man, but it still was a bit ugly. He was so violent that as she jumped into the car with the children to flee, he knocked out the windows in the car. I know DU doesn't like to hear this, but he even bashed his way into my parents house where his wife was staying, and only halted when he was confronted with a gun.

Some additional events occurred, but today she lives safe from abuse.

[angstlessk]

19. Yes, once he walked miles

took a ferry..then walked more miles and broke into my apartment...and grabbed me before I could call the cops..

That was 30 years ago..his threats of killing my family worked...I became his prisoner

[mythology]

22. My mom did

She eventually got a degree and a career and realized that not only was she better off without him, she was in a position where she could divorce him.

I should note that my sperm donor was verbally and emotionally abusive. While it wasn't unheard of for him to smack me for no reason, and there was an allegation he hit his first wife, as far as I know, there was no violence between my mom and my biological dad.

[Sweet Freedom]

23. Took me 19 years.

Long-story short, I decided that being dead was a better alternative to the hell I was living. It's been almost ten years. He still wants me back.

[pinboy3niner]

27. More power to you!

You did the right thing.

[Sweet Freedom]

32. Thank you.

I've never been happier. My life is completely different (hence, my DU name.)

[AngryAmish]

25. A how to guide

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&ei=opBNVJ3oJMqSyAT32ILQDw&url=http://m.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3D298nld4Yfds&ved=0CB0Q3ywwAA&usg=AFQjCNH-9QgrqfYxy5EAxkIqwTutCk2PYg&sig2=STvNfrYIgdTJzVtvtxfDpA

[shanti]

28. Yes, some do

My second husband was abusive, he was the first man to ever lay a hand on me. I was so shocked when it happened. We'd been married about a year when he slugged me in the chest while i was driving. My first reaction was to immediately drive down to the courthouse to file for divorce, but it took another year before I actually did that. I did leave him and moved about 50 miles away after the first incident. Then I stupidly allowed him to move in with me again. Come to find out, he was bipolar, and in one of his mood swings, he got angry about something and started in again. Well, that was IT, as they say. I put my notice in for the apartment, found another on my own, and filed for divorce. Two years. I wanted to make good and sure that our son, 2 at the time, would never be allowed to learn that domestic violence was ok. I was very lucky too that I was gainfully employed and had my own car. Without them, it would have been much harder. I had no friends at the time, so this was all on my own. Thank god, i found the strength to do it.

Oh, and karma took care of HIM....big time!

[TBF]

30. I left the first time it got physical -

but I had a very good job and supportive family. They kept me from going back. My brother called me every single day for weeks.

That kind of support can be life-saving.

[Zorra]

34. Week one: Over the phone, I found a new job in a different state, and found a place to live near my

new job.

Week two: I packed my stuff, said I was leaving, drove away, and never looked back.