General Discussion
Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsFamily Violence
The topic of domestic violence is in the news again, largely due to the actions of several football players. Some of the media reports seem to have value, and have the potential to bring about some thoughtful discussions about the damaging impact of physical violence within families. As the family is the basic building block within our communities, it is worth considering the effect that family violence has upon our culture.
Today, Id like to focus on a specific type of domestic violence: child abuse. Thats a broad topic, of course, and includes physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. In different states, physical violence can be defined as falling into neglect and/or abuse, depending upon the severity of it. As I live in New York, I tend to use the terms as defined by our legal system.
For many years, I worked in a county-wide program in positions that dealt with child neglect and abuse. I investigated more cases than I care to remember; counseled parents on appropriate parenting skills; and testified in court many, many times. Later, in another county, I developed a 20-week course for cases referred by Family Court, where parents were at (high) risk for losing all parental rights. That course coordinated services and evaluations through mental health, alcohol & drug abuse services, and social services.
For the sake of this discussion, I will add some personal life experience, which may relate to my position on domestic violence. I was raised in a family where violence was extreme. And I have raised four children -- two sons and two daughters -- without violence.
I believe that the only legitimate purpose for discipline is to teach children self-discipline. Hence, if an adult says, I was hit as a kid, and I turned out okay, my response is, Are you willing to consider that there may be a better way? In my experience, most parents are open to considering that possibility. Those who are not run the risk of having the system playing an on-going role in their families lives.
Domestic violence of all types tends to go in cycles; some of these cycles include generations. Not all children who are subjected to physical violence grow up to be violent adults. Yet as a general rule, adults who are violent experienced violence in their childhood. I believe that adults who become violent when they are angry did not develop self-discipline. Instead, they have learned that, when angry, to strike out at someone they are confident that can beat up.
If we are serious about breaking the cycles of domestic abuse, our culture needs to consider alternatives to violence starting with childhood. Malcolm X used to say that society should fight violent crime by starting in the high chair, rather than ending with the electric chair. Indeed, there are basic parenting skills that assist a child to become a self-disciplined person.
During the industrial revolution, western culture began to discount the significance of a childs first five years of life. By no coincidence, this is when the basic family system went from extended to nuclear, to fit the needs of the economic system. In todays high-tech society (with more single parent and blended families than in the past, again to fit the needs of the economic system), there is a greater appreciation of early child development.
There are four basic building blocks for these formative years. These are: loveable, meaning the parent loves the infant; worthwhile, meaning the parent enjoys spending time with the toddler; capable, meaning the child is able to learn things and master skills; and responsible, meaning the parent trusts the child to do things right, including doing the right thing.
A five year old who has these building blocks has a better foundation than one who lacks one or more of them. It really is that simple. More, most of the parents who I worked with, who were sincere about wanting to be the best parent they could be, would at some point be able to identify which of these building blocks they did not have in their childhood. And this wasnt a result of my asking them -- it was something they came to recognize on their own.
To be clear, Im not saying that doing this results in a child who behaves perfectly. Quite the opposite: no one behaves perfectly. And it is a teenagers job to test boundaries, experiment with life, and present challenges to their parents. The truth is that a teenagers brain hasnt fully developed in the region that identifies consequences. Parents can help them to learn to take the time to consciously think things through, and that does include having negative consequences for bad behaviors. But it doesnt have to include violence -- especially when there are better ways.
I recognize that any time a person speaks like this, there will be others who say thats unrealistic. That I do not understand human nature. That human history is filled with violence. And its hard to argue that there isnt lots of violence -- way too much, in my opinion. Yet human nature has many potentials, and non-violence produces greater options. We have the ability to see that specific systems create cycles of violence, and to make the conscious effort to identify and practice alternatives to violence.
AuntPatsy
(9,904 posts)H2O Man
(73,605 posts)I was hoping that this OP wouldn't sink! And that people would find it worth reading.
TBF
(32,090 posts)and my further theory on this is that along with being a control thing, there is also a vested interested by tptb in keeping people compliant/obedient. A child who has experienced violence themselves, I think, is more likely to be a person who buys into the violence of our society overall (the military for example and willingness to join in & violate/kill others).
I don't know if much research has been done in this area but I wouldn't be surprised to see a connection.
Happy, well-adjusted people do not tend to look at violence as an acceptable method of conflict resolution.
Tumbulu
(6,292 posts)and feel that the society allows all sorts of violence to go on unchecked ( charges against a violent person should not depend on the victim participating in filing charges, for instance). It does serve a purpose, or it would have been stopped a long time ago, I think.
sabrina 1
(62,325 posts)while violent movies and video games are hardly ever mentioned as being harmful shows where our priorities are.
It's hard to find a movie that doesn't contain graphic violence yet a one second view of a nipple which most people missed anyhow, caused the country to go into a state of apoplexy for months.
TBF
(32,090 posts)in Sweden for example they've outlawed corporal punishment everywhere - schools and homes. Most Europeans are not nearly so hung up on things like nudity. I think it's a uniquely American phenomena. Some of this likely comes from the Puritans, but the fact that it has continued unchecked makes me think people in power find it useful to control folks in this manner.
niyad
(113,552 posts)Much appreciated!
IdaBriggs
(10,559 posts)H2O Man
(73,605 posts)I'm glad that you like this.
woo me with science
(32,139 posts)A five year old who has these building blocks has a better foundation than one who lacks one or more of them. It really is that simple. More, most of the parents who I worked with, who were sincere about wanting to be the best parent they could be, would at some point be able to identify which of these building blocks they did not have in their childhood. And this wasnt a result of my asking them -- it was something they came to recognize on their own.
Thanks for a great post.
H2O Man
(73,605 posts)Both of my sons -- now adults -- have worked in human services. The younger one works primarily with children and youth. One of my favorite things has been when he talks to me about situations he encounters, often with difficult cases.
I've shared my little, informal formula on those four building blocks with him. About a year ago, he called to ask if I'd be interested in doing a training for the staff at the agency he's employed with. He wanted me to talk about this topic. I suggested that it might be more beneficial if he presented it himself. He laughed and said, "You're probably right. After all, I've had the advantage of being raised this way."
I liked that. No one is more aware than me that I was not a perfect parent. But it has been the single thing that I've worked the hardest at, parenting. Now, I'm looking to try my hand at grand-parenting!
woo me with science
(32,139 posts)that comment was:
I love what you wrote here. There is a longstanding, poisonous messaging in this country, that has been amplified through right-wing radio and fundamentalist churches, that the "problem" with our society is that kids aren't punished enough. On the contrary, I think the problem is that our culture is in many ways and many contexts starved of exactly what you describe here.
RockaFowler
(7,429 posts)Because they were beaten as a child and they turned out OK.
Well I wasn't beaten as a child and I turned out great. There was no need for that type of punishment in my household at all. Then again my cousin was whipped as a child. She died of a drug overdose. Not saying there is a correlation or anything, because there isn't. Just like there is nothing that made me who I was because I wasn't beaten as a child.
How could a person beat a child so bad that he had to go to the hospital?? That is child abuse plain and simple. Most people are punished for this. And I hope Adrian Petersen is no exception.
H2O Man
(73,605 posts)that being subjected to the violence I endured taught me to try harder to not get caught doing those things that enraged my parents. It also made it nearly impossible for anyone my size to hurt me when I was an amateur boxer -- because no other teenager hit nearly as hard as my father.
I can't say there there were not instances of child abuse in the cases that I worked on, in which I didn't think punishment was the required consequence for the offending parent(s). But generally, I felt that it was a shortcoming that was better treated, than punished. And I'm not suggesting that my position is "better" than others'. But, often enough to convince me, parents were willing and able to learn new parenting skills.
The parents that I worked with always knew that I would turn them in if they abused or neglected their children. I was always up front about that. I always told them when I did. But my goal wasn't to insult them, or make them feel guilty. Rather, my focus was always to show them a better way. And, even within the context of the imperfect system that I dealt with, I believe that I was able to improve the quality of those families' lives.
Tumbulu
(6,292 posts)how important it is, and thank you again for sharing your insights with us.
RockaFowler
(7,429 posts)TBF
(32,090 posts)and is already reinstated on his team. With Rice there was video. Now we need someone who has access to the Peterson documentation to anonymously release it. That is the only way people seem to be able to speak up - if they see it for themselves. And even then there are so many people who seem to have this disconnect that hitting children is "discipline" and therefore ok while hitting another adult is battery.
It's really revolting.
Dorian Gray
(13,499 posts)pictures of his son's injuries on the internet. I saw one briefly (by accident) and immediately left the page. I don't want to see it, but what AP did was horrific. And that he doesn't see the problem with how he treated a four year old child... well, that scares me, to be honest.
The man had another child (though I want to say that loosely, as he never met said child before he died) who was killed at the hands of another man in infancy. Having had that happen, how in the world can he justify abusing his child that is in his care?
TBF
(32,090 posts)and apparently he has several children out there.
I do feel for the guy in that I'm certain he was abused growing up. I said the same thing about Vick - I really didn't care if he went back to football (rather than being unemployed & not able to support himself) - but I'd also want a lot of therapy before he owned animals again. That is also how I feel about Peterson. I feel bad for how he must've been treated as well, but this cycle has got to stop before someone gets killed. If he's not stopped now one day he's going to go too far and that will be it.
Dorian Gray
(13,499 posts)correlation isn't causation. Saying that, my husband and SIL in law were beaten as children. My husband has struggled for years to stay sober. My SIL was hospitalized multiple times for her drug and alcohol habit. Then she died in a horrific accident when she was drunk.
I think that there are studies about those who suffer horrific abuse who turn out to abuse alcohol and other substances.
And I can't, for the life of me, figure out why anyone would want to physically hurt that young child who loves and depends on you for everything. My almost four year old is awesome. She is a caring, sweet kid. And I've never ever ever had to "beat" that into her.
Tumbulu
(6,292 posts)I learned from reading it and I thank you.
Thank you so much! Believe me when I say that your response has made my day!
lumberjack_jeff
(33,224 posts)H2O Man
(73,605 posts)1StrongBlackMan
(31,849 posts)H2O Man
(73,605 posts)Zorra
(27,670 posts)My life experience has led me to these very same conclusions, and thank you for expressing what I would have liked to have said so accurately.