Hey Baby: On Insidious Street Harassment

[niyad]

Hey Baby: On Insidious Street Harassment

Nothing makes the bottom drop out of my stomach quite like a grown man calling me baby. Baby girl, baby doll, sexy baby, pretty baby. Hey baby. Come here, baby. These little words have the power to completely ruin my day. Suddenly the outfit that made me feel so cute and confident when I put it on that morning makes me feel vulnerable and scared. All the friendly strangers I had been making eye contact with on the street seem to be staring at me the way a cat stares at a cornered mouse. The familiar neighborhood I had been walking through starts to feel frightening and
dangerous. Men generally don’t understand why these seemingly complimentary words have such a negative effect. We live in a society where very few men even understand why it’s frightening and offensive to hear a guy yell, “nice tits” or “wanna fuck?” as you’re walking or waiting for the bus, and when it comes to something as seemingly innocuous as “baby,” most don’t know (or don’t care) what all the fuss is about. So a guy said, “hey baby.” What’s the big deal? It’s not like he touched you.

The big deal isn’t just the words themselves, it’s the underlying message. There’s no point to a guy yelling, “Hey sexy baby” at me out of the passenger window of a car as it speeds past. Even if I was into creepy misogynists and wanted to give him my number, I couldn’t. The car didn’t even slow down. But that’s OK, because he wasn’t actually hitting on me. The point wasn’t to proposition me or chat me up. The only point was to remind me, and all women, that our bodies are his to stare at, assess, comment on, even touch. “Hey sexy baby,” is the first part of a sentence that finishes, “this is your weekly message from the patriarchy, reminding you that your body is public property”.

“Hey baby” is the cashier who touches your hand just a little too long and winks as he hands you your change. “Hey baby” is the guy who sits just the tiniest bit too close on the subway when there are plenty of empty seats available. “Hey baby” is the guy in the coffee shop who just keeps trying to start a conversation even while you’re giving one-word answers and pointedly staring at your book or phone. “Hey baby” is too subtle to complain about. If you try, guys will say that it’s not a big deal or you’re just flattering yourself or they wish a hot chick would say “Hey baby” to them. What they don’t realize is that this is your third “Hey baby” this week. Yesterday that guy at the bar trailed his fingers down your spine, and when you looked at him he gave you a thumbs up and a smile communicating his approval of your body and existence. Two days before, you caught a guy at work unapologetically staring at your cleavage. Last week on the bus, a guy pressed his crotch against your ass, and though the bus really was packed, it seemed unnecessary and malicious.

These guys think that they’re special, that you’ll be grateful or flattered they singled you out for their little “compliment.” They don’t realize or don’t care that they’re just the latest creep in a long line of pervs yelling at women and people who are read as feminine on the street. Their “compliments” blend into a chorus of whistles and hoots and comments stretching back to the day you hit puberty. That guy saying “hey baby” isn’t just some guy. He’s every predatory dude you’ve had to be rescued from at a party, every creep who’s ever made you feel unsafe, every rapist you’ve ever heard about on the news or from your friends. “Hey baby” isn’t “hey baby.” It’s a threat, a reminder that no matter how many advances women may have made in our society, nothing has really changed. Men still feel entitled to our bodies and time.

. . . . .
http://msmagazine.com/blog/2014/08/04/hey-baby-on-insidious-street-harassment/

Nothing makes the bottom drop out of my stomach quite like a grown man calling me baby. Baby girl, baby doll, sexy baby, pretty baby. Hey baby. Come here, baby. These little words have the power to completely ruin my day. Suddenly the outfit that made me feel so cute and confident when I put it on that morning makes me feel vulnerable and scared. All the friendly strangers I had been making eye contact with on the street seem to be staring at me the way a cat stares at a cornered mouse. The familiar neighborhood I had been walking through starts to feel frightening and
dangerous. Men generally don’t understand why these seemingly complimentary words have such a negative effect. We live in a society where very few men even understand why it’s frightening and offensive to hear a guy yell, “nice tits” or “wanna fuck?” as you’re walking or waiting for the bus, and when it comes to something as seemingly innocuous as “baby,” most don’t know (or don’t care) what all the fuss is about. So a guy said, “hey baby.” What’s the big deal? It’s not like he touched you.

The big deal isn’t just the words themselves, it’s the underlying message. There’s no point to a guy yelling, “Hey sexy baby” at me out of the passenger window of a car as it speeds past. Even if I was into creepy misogynists and wanted to give him my number, I couldn’t. The car didn’t even slow down. But that’s OK, because he wasn’t actually hitting on me. The point wasn’t to proposition me or chat me up. The only point was to remind me, and all women, that our bodies are his to stare at, assess, comment on, even touch. “Hey sexy baby,” is the first part of a sentence that finishes, “this is your weekly message from the patriarchy, reminding you that your body is public property”.

“Hey baby” is the cashier who touches your hand just a little too long and winks as he hands you your change. “Hey baby” is the guy who sits just the tiniest bit too close on the subway when there are plenty of empty seats available. “Hey baby” is the guy in the coffee shop who just keeps trying to start a conversation even while you’re giving one-word answers and pointedly staring at your book or phone. “Hey baby” is too subtle to complain about. If you try, guys will say that it’s not a big deal or you’re just flattering yourself or they wish a hot chick would say “Hey baby” to them. What they don’t realize is that this is your third “Hey baby” this week. Yesterday that guy at the bar trailed his fingers down your spine, and when you looked at him he gave you a thumbs up and a smile communicating his approval of your body and existence. Two days before, you caught a guy at work unapologetically staring at your cleavage. Last week on the bus, a guy pressed his crotch against your ass, and though the bus really was packed, it seemed unnecessary and malicious.

These guys think that they’re special, that you’ll be grateful or flattered they singled you out for their little “compliment.” They don’t realize or don’t care that they’re just the latest creep in a long line of pervs yelling at women and people who are read as feminine on the street. Their “compliments” blend into a chorus of whistles and hoots and comments stretching back to the day you hit puberty. That guy saying “hey baby” isn’t just some guy. He’s every predatory dude you’ve had to be rescued from at a party, every creep who’s ever made you feel unsafe, every rapist you’ve ever heard about on the news or from your friends. “Hey baby” isn’t “hey baby.” It’s a threat, a reminder that no matter how many advances women may have made in our society, nothing has really changed. Men still feel entitled to our bodies and time.

. . . . .
http://msmagazine.com/blog/2014/08/04/hey-baby-on-insidious-street-harassment/

[edgineered]

1. Could it be that those not

reading the article until she explains these are symptoms are already lost. Anyone lost before then is hard to reason with, and misses the message.

[amandabeech]

2. It's awful.

Guys on the street started hassling me when I was 14. I finally stopped going to the shopping area in my small town on days when I knew the creeps would be out. When I got my driver's license, starting going to a larger town for shopping where I could walk from the parking lot to the store without being hassled, and never went into the shopping area of my town again.

The only good thing about being a chubby middle-aged lady is that I now longer am verbally assaulted on the street.

This author is spot on.

[Ms. Toad]

8. 12, here.

With the verbal street harassment turning into physical harassment before I turned 13, and rape when I was 19.

It took me decades (two, literally) before I realized that my struggles with weight that have kept me overweight to obese were the result of preferring, subconsciously, to be read as invisible - rather than feminine.

[amandabeech]

9. I am truly sorry that things got so out of hand for you.

It makes the harassment that I went through nothing more than a pleasant hello.

It's certainly understandable that you wanted to become invisible!

Do you now feel psychologically ready to lose some of the weight? I'm thinking of your health.

[Ms. Toad]

10. Multiple responses to your inquiry

My weight (with a BMI of 33.3) is not affecting my health - being overweight is not inherently unhealthy. I just finished a 105 mile bike ride over the weekend, and regularly commute (33.5 mile round trip) to work on my bike. I climb at least 10 flights of stairs 5 days a week. The weekend ride would have been 150 miles, but for the weather which canceled the after-lunch portion on the first day. I have ridden this ride most years since 1994. My blood pressure, heart, cholesterol, and blood sugar are all normal. I see my doctor regularly, and the only medication I require to maintain my health is Vitamin D and an aspirin a day for a birth-defect related clotting disorder.

Losing weight is relatively easy for me - I have lost 60+ lbs twice in the decade since I made this discovery, and once before. The problem is maintenance. Now that I am conscious of the reason I have been carrying so much weight, I am no longer fighting the unknown psychological barriers - but I am fighting the habits which kept me weighing enough to feel safe for two decades before I realized it. Yo-yo-ing weight, is much harder on your body than merely remaining overweight or even obese - so long as the additional weight is not contributing to the overweight person developing health conditions which are weight related.

Those two things are important for me to say - and for you to hear. Being "normal" weight is not necessarily healthier - depending on how your body handles being overweight, and on whether it is realistically possible to maintain "normal" weight. I am not denying that there are health conditions which are often caused or exacerbated by being overweight. If I had those, it would be an appropriate medical recommendation for me to lose weight. I don't happen to have any of those. Too many people make the immediate leap from overweight, or even obese, to unhealthy & even too many doctors start with weight as the assumed cause for many disorders which have nothing to do with the weight of the person they are treating - because of prejudices related to weight.

That said, even though my weight does not impact my physical health, I feel better psychologically when I weigh less - and since I have strongly hereditary diabetes in my family (everyone in one branch of my family who is over 57 - including two skinny-as-rail ancestors & one overweight one), it could very well impact my health in the future. I'm about to start working on returning to a weight at which I feel more comfortable - likely in the mid-range of normal for my height. But I have to be careful not to keep strivibg to be a "normal" weight person at the cost of damaging myself by losing weight when I cannot maintain the loss.

[amandabeech]

13. My post did not come off right.

I'm sorry.

Actually, I need to lose weight and get into the kind of shape that you are in.

Please accept my apologies.

[Ms. Toad]

15. Apology accepted -

Having been both "normal" weight and overweight/obese, I am just far too aware of how damaging the labels (and associated prejudice) overweight and obese are - aside from any impact being obese or overweight can have on health. And how the perception, even without any real impact on health, impacts health care (I have had friends with fibroids which went undiagnosed for far too long because the presumption was that any disruption in the menstrual cycle must be caused by how fat stores estrogen, and I know of others with missed diagnoses because of similar prejudices). Even when (or perhaps especially when) I weigh in the "normal" range, it feels important to me to counter the perceived/assumed connection between weight and health.

And - my reaction is a bit closer to the surface this weekend, because I know my weight was behind the conversation one of the volunteers at the lunch stop had with my mother (who joined me for lunch) about whether I was going to ride the entire way, or both days, and whether I had ever done this before...The reality is that I've ridden the 150 miles (and 175 the year I did the century on the first day) far more times overweight or obese than I have ridden it in the "normal" weight range. But that is not what the volunteer saw (even though I was wearing a training tank top from the '96 ride). On an amusing side note, I just reconnected with one of the guys who rode part way with me in 2000 - no one would have looked at his slender & muscular physique and questioned whether he would make it. He was SAGged around lunch the first day (29 miles into the ride).

[amandabeech]

16. That's a lot of miles.

Until 3 or 4 years ago, I enjoyed walking and ice skating and had a normal weight. Then I was rear-ended and a close relative died. I ended up in an incredibly rural area without good medical care. My back and neck have been a real problem since then, and I managed to gain 25-30 pounds. I'm now back in a metro area and I hope to get my problems worked on by some folks who know what they're doing. I really miss being able to exercise. It not only very much helps to get my weight down, but it is great for the psyche, as well.

[Ms. Toad]

17. Definitely.

If you can swim, try swimming.

Until vertigo hit about 2 years ago (partially because of back an neck injuries), I swam 1-1.5 miles 3x a week. Most people who exercise get an immediate "high." I never have - I have to rely on long term, gradual increase in my mood. Not so great for getting a habit started, but I tricked myself into creating a swim habit by reminding myself that I had to shower regularly anyway - so if I joined a swim facility that was on the way to work, and showered after I swam, I was only losing the actual time in the water. (At that point in my life, time was extremely tight - due to major time consuming illnesses in the other members of my family & me being the only breadwinner.) It made a tremendous psychological difference about 6 months into the routine. Not much difference in weight for me, unfortunately. The calories burned are not really very significant - so it is only helpful to the extent it tends to suppress my appetite.

I haven't gotten back into a swimming routine yet, now that the vertigo is gone and I could again (job change so the facility is no longer on the way to work). But biking does the trick, at least during the biking season, with the same kind of mental trick. On the days I bike, I lose an extra 2 hours a day - but since I get volunteer credit for the hours I'm on the trail & exercise it is not a bad trade-off.

Find a multi-disciplinary pain clinic & run down whatever wisdom they have - but, from my experience, prepare to learn to live with your back and neck pain. I've had back pain (1-2 on a scale of 10 - with brief periods up to 4/5) for ~30 years. Every PT place I go thinks they can fix it. They're wrong - but if I'm lucky, they at least don't aggravate the peace I've made with it. (And since yours is upper back/neck pain, watch out for vertigo - if you get it find someone who specializes in cervically mediated vertigo/migraines.)

[amandabeech]

18. Thanks for the tips!

Yes, unfortunately, I am familiar with the vertigo problems. I really need to be in one place at a time, and that will happen within a couple of months one way or another.

I did get some relief with a DO sports medicine guy who did some manipulation on my back and neck. Unfortunately, I was not able to continue with the treatment due to other things going on, but even the two treatments were helpful. I really want to go back.

[Ms. Toad]

19. Good Luck!

I lived with it for a 11 months - the key for me was figuring out a set of exercises that re-established full left rotation of my head. When we started, I could unlock it for a half hour or so, and it would lock up again. Once we found the right set of exercises and unlocked it permanently, the vertigo mostly vanished. I hope you find a similar fix for what ails you.

[amandabeech]

20. Thank you!

[laundry_queen]

21. I can relate

Harassment began for me at 11 (I developed early) and by the time I was 14 it was out of control (by then I had a very large breasts and looked like an adult). I was date raped twice when I was 19. I gained much of my weight in the 2 years following that.

It's not the only psychological issue I have regarding my weight. I have very fat phobic parents who never miss an opportunity to put fat people down or talk about food (my mom has an eating disorder). A therapist suggested to me that it might be my way of forcing them to prove they love me (both my parents are narcissists and my dad was abusive). So I have that to deal with, and also medical issues that make weight loss difficult like PCOS. I'm definitely not as in shape as you are. I walk, but not as often as I should (5-10 times/week for 10 min at a time when my kids are in school). But I don't have any weight related health issues (BP, cholesterol, ECG, etc all normal)

But yeah, the relief I felt after I gained weight that I wasn't being targeted anymore was immense. Even now, I feel so much more comfortable walking at night or getting into my car after a night class. I probably need a ton of therapy before I can start to deal with the psychological issues of weight gain. But that takes money and time and as a single parent of 4, I'll have neither anytime soon. I do worry about my teen daughters though. They have started to get harassed, though it's not quite as bad as when I was a teen, it's still unacceptable.

[Ms. Toad]

23. Two things continually surprise me -

- how many people on DU continue to insist that rape culture doesn't exist, in the face of a pretty universal response by women who have experienced it directly to threads like this; I'm almost afraid to scan this thread to see if there is the usual chorus of nay-sayers.

- how common being overweight as a protective device is - nearly every time I mention it, I receive a number of public and private responses - often including from people for whom it hadn't clicked yet.

[freeplessinseattle]

3. Extra obnoxious in hot weather-this drunk guy plopped himself down on my car trunk the other day

While I was getting gas. It felt like an aggressive move, and made my little car move like he had assaulted it.

Then of course he asked me my name, and I gave him a made up one, not that he was going to seek me out with that info, it just makes me feel better I guess, because my name is none of his damn business, ya know?

When he wouldn't take the hint to get off of my car and shut up after I was done and about to drive off with him on my trunk, I told him I had to get home to feed my (fictional) kids, & he still was reluctant to quit violating my poor car.

I just kept waving my hand like "shoo shoo", until he figured he'd better leave before I break out the Raid!

[trumad]

5. Sorry to hear about that.

My wife has come home with similar stories. Funny how guys never did that when I'm around---meaning douchebags like that are cowards.

[lapislzi]

7. They don't do it when you're around

Because they'll defer to another male. She's your property, and they respect that. <--ugh.

[freeplessinseattle]

12. This guy who followed me out of a grocery store said "Oh, I didn't know you were spoken for"

when I mentioned getting home to my family to get him to go away. "spoken for"? What am I, a piece of furniture on the sales floor?

[freeplessinseattle]

11. Thank you, Trumad. Your wife is lucky to have a supportive husband!

There's a thread I just read with a long cartoon on this very subject. Sad that some have to have it spelled out for them like that, but at least there is some hope for enlightenment!

[seabeyond]

14. meaning, women are property, ownership. and when you are around you "own" your wife. so, it does

no good for another man to claim ownership.

as i just read another cartoon in HOF and when a man is around, unbeknownst to the creep, he will apologize to the man. stating he did not know the woman was with another. not apologize to a woman.

indeed.

[Warpy]

26. That was the one that made my blood boil

because it has happened to me so many times. I'm just meat on the hook and if a hooting asshole thinks another male owns it, the owning male gets the apology, didn't mean to move in on your side of beef, mate, sorry about that.

[Orrex]

34. Like this?

[Heidi]

4. Kick!

[redqueen]

6. K&R nt

[niyad]

22. . . .

[KitSileya]

24. This is very apropos for this thread.

I posted it in HoF, but it fits the subject matter of your thread to a tee.

[niyad]

28. thank you for posting this here, as well. you are correct, it is completely apropos.

[cwydro]

25. I agree that this harassment is inexcusable

but in no way do I feel that anyone owns me in any way.

Some dumbfuck yelling at me...is just a dumbfuck yelling at me.

Sometimes a dumbfuck is just a dumbfuck (to paraphrase Freud)

Never would I give that power to anyone that some stupid comment they make is somehow a statement of my second class citizenship. Nope. A dumbfuck yelling out of the car is most likely compensating for some "short"coming and trying to impress his buds. Notice how this happens when they're in pairs?

I refuse victimhood. I'm older now, and rarely get the comments. Oddly, it still happens occasionally. I don't see it at "patriarchy." I see it as a poorly brought up, low class male with low self esteem trying desperately to feel better about his pathetic self.

No. I reject that premise that women are somehow less than men.

And if some pervert pushed his crotch into my rear end...he would be very quickly sorry.

[niyad]

29. please read post 24 very carefully. no, a dumbfuck is not just a dumbfuck--he is one because of

a culture that allows, indeed, encourages him, to be one.

[cwydro]

32. Right.

Post 24 talks about how men need to protect us.

Bullshit.

[niyad]

35. THAT is what you got from that post?

[cwydro]

37. Yes dear

that is what I got from that post.

[tblue37]

27. Why post the whole article *twice*?

A lot of people won't bother to read a long post, so posting the entire piece twice in the same post means that a lot of people won't bother to read it at all.

[niyad]

30. do you have a comment about the article itself? obviously there was a malfunction in the posting.

[niyad]

31. . . .

[Agschmid]

33. Kick.

[niyad]

36. . . .