How Christian Purity Culture Enabled My Step Dad to Sexually Abuse Me

[xchrom]

http://www.alternet.org/how-christian-purity-culture-enabled-my-step-dad-sexually-abuse-me



My step-father began having problems getting erections when I was a senior in high school. How did I find out about this? He told me that he was using me to get an erection so that he could have sex with my mother.

We were very religious people. We attended a Fundamentalist Baptist Church so sexually conservative I was not even allowed to wear jeans. But still, he would sit me down and discuss what he had been thinking on those nights when he pressed my body against his and stroked my hair, the curve of my hip and the area between my collar bone and breasts until his penis was hard against my thigh.
In those incredibly awkward and galling conversations he reassured me repeatedly that he would never do anything to compromise my virginity. Using the tone of a person explaining something perfectly logical that should be obvious to anyone with the IQ of a mollusk, he explained that my mother had gained weight and it was killing his boners. I was young, slender and attractive and he saw nothing terribly wrong with using my body to kick-start the old engine and thoughts of me to keep it humming along.

What baffled me then but makes perfect sense to me now is why he thought that I would be reassured by his repeated promises that he would not cross the arbitrary line of virginity. He had no real plans to stop using me as his fluffer. But my virginity, which he had pledged to protect and to keep safe for my future husband, was off-limits. As time went by and his fluff-sessions became more lurid, I feared the line of technical virginity would be like the Maginot Line, more an illusion of safety than an actual defense.

But he kept his promise. And now I understand why. The emphasis placed on virginity by the Purity Culture allowed my step-father to minimize his non-vaginal sexual abuse of my body.

[Half-Century Man]

1. Good article, good stomach crurning day ruining article.

But, if the cost of the truth getting exposed is my day being ruined, I'll pay.

[xchrom]

2. it is a tad disturbing.

but when i first learned of these 'purity' cults -- you just sort of instinctively know -- this is one of those bad, bad things that will happen.

[Half-Century Man]

3. It all falls back on to "women as property".

A pure woman is more valuable. Any child from her has to be from her husband, therefore inheritances are assured to travel down the bloodline.

[Le Taz Hot]

21. And as an extension

since she is his property, he can do with it what he chooses.

[intaglio]

4. Similar thread published in HoF

We must have been working on it together!

http://www.democraticunderground.com/125542399

[xchrom]

5. a dose of

ESP in our coffee!

[handmade34]

6. beyond Purity Culture...

"...It (is) about men trying to resolve the problems that they have with their unreliable and incorrigible penises. They feel helpless to control their own desire, to raise it when appropriate and to let it go when inappropriate. And since they become desirous in response to women, the simplest solution seems to be controlling us. .."

[Skidmore]

11. I grew up in a fundmentalist religious tradition.

And I left it when I left home at 17. I ran from it. My whole experience of people within the fundamentalist churches I came into contact with as a child was that they were full of people who relied on the strictness to help them keep their proclivities in check. An external frontal lobe. The use of the larger group to serve that function is dysfunctional in itself.

[handmade34]

25. I had my bags packed

on (HS) graduation day and left right after the ceremony... my mother was (is-but I have broken all contact) a dysfunctional Fundamentalist Christian... it is an excuse, a justification, an unhealthy reliance on and for most everything creepy... (I found out later that my step-father had been sexually molesting my younger sister for years .......but he hadn't used the Purity Culture as an excuse)

... as for the "use of the larger group to serve that function (keep proclivities in check)" ... yes but there is good cause for community and 'group' to help each other in many other ways...

I actually went on to seminary, thinking being a minister would be a secure job, only to come away knowing the only "true" reason and benefit of the church is to help each other on this precarious path of life... unfortunately, most 'Christians' have distorted all that could be good and positive about the church...

[chrisa]

13. "Helpless to control desire"

That's the common rapist's excuse. Not once have I ever felt "helpless," and neither does anyone else. Anyone with a functioning brain can make decisions. This excuse is a way to hide behind the common assumption in our rape culture that men cannot control their desires, so it is up to women to hide their bodies. It's shameful...

[dhill926]

28. well said….

[seabeyond]

24. the reality is, their penis is being addressed every single fuggin sec of every day... continuously

without stop thru out our culture, feeding that it is all about their penis.

ya.

the need our help, rollin eyes....

i mean.

their penis has its own separate identity, often, even name. and its own mind for friggin' sake.

you know?

have we gotten to the absurd yet? have we gotten to the point of ridiculous yet?

[Demo_Chris]

7. Excellent read. nt

[tavernier]

8. Really? We're blaming this on Christian culture ?

My father is a Christian and he has never abused me, has never considered this kind of behavior as anything but unacceptable and repulsive.

But then again, according to some members here, all Christians are demented pervs.

I may be wrong, but I think that any human who abuses a child is mentally and morally ill from the get go. Their choice of god/s doesn't make them that way.

[xchrom]

9. 'Purity' culture not christian culture -- and i'm christian

and find this interest in young girls bodies disturbing.

[Scruffy Rumbler]

10. You are very lucky... not everybody was or is.

This woman made a point to explain how her abuser used the PURITY CULTURE to justify to himself, that his actions weren't really bad because he was protecting her virginity. And that just adds another layer of sickness. And by the way, many christians use their religion to cover their abuses.

[Brickbat]

12. Fundamentalist belief in "purity" doesn't turn people into abusers, but it makes it easy for abusers

to exploit their victims, and can show a way for people inclined to abuse but who haven't acted on it to rationalize their feelings and turn them into actions.

ETA: From the article itself:

But the attitudes and beliefs about women that encourage men to see daughters as apprentice wives and their sexuality as his make it very easy justify all manner of oppression and abuse just as my step-father justified his behavior. The potential for abuse grows exponentially when you factor in the isolation that these families and religions generally practice which leave the fathers with no fear of reprisal and daughters without recourse.

Here is the frightening part of my story: It isn’t particularly unusual, or even a one-off in my own history. Opportunities for abuse are thick and compelling in environments where men own women’s bodies. We know from the reports of scores of women who have lived in purity cultures that sexual abuse and rape are rampant.

And:

Of course I cannot say that my step-father would have been an appropriate father figure had we not been living in a Purity Culture. What I can say is that Purity Culture made it possible for him to coerce me and it did not stop him when his abuse was well-known.

[DirkGently]

15. Puritanism is the red flag here.

Not religiousity in general or Christianity in particular.

I think most of us by now get that hyper-sensitive moralizing about sexuality comes from a dark and ugly place -- people fear the impulses they sense in themselves.

The greater the anger / fear / rigidity, the more WE have to fear from whatever those people are repressing.

[RainDog]

41. fetishization of female virginity is the problem

and for most religious groups - this is part of their teaching about females, beginning with the idea of a "virgin birth" - of course, other Christians note this should've translated as "young women" - but, honestly, I don't know how anyone can claim that the overwhelming view of females within Christian teaching isn't sexist - and this includes the transfer of a woman from her father to her husband.

symbolically, that's a reiteration of females as chattel slavery within patriarchy.

of course, most people have sentimentalized this practice now - but they are sentimentalizing sexism.

[Daemonaquila]

16. Yes, really, we are.

Being a christian doesn't make one a bad person, or morally suspect, or anything else per se negative. There are very evil christian churches like Westboro, and very good ones that promote justice, equality, and compassion. However, there are themes in the bible and in christianity that promote irrational and disgusting ways of thinking, from the concept of "original sin," to homophobia, to sexism, to apocalyptic fantasy.

This guy's sick and twisted beliefs about the morality of sexually abusing his daughter as long as he doesn't take her virginity (but if she wasn't a virgin, might she be fair game in his world view?) are directed by the christian teachings he has received regarding the male vs. female role, virginity/adultery, the female body as "unclean," etc. Modern, more progressive christian churches are guilty of exactly what the worst examples of conservative christianity accuse - they pick and choose the good in their holy book while rejecting what is morally repugnant. A more honest approach would be to simply reject the bible, in which case it is difficult to argue that they are christians versus universalists or simply some form of eclectic mystics seeking the best from the ugly foundations of christianity and other faiths.

[gollygee]

17. Did you intentionally leave out the word "purity" ??

You can easily see the OP says "Christian PURITY culture." NOT "Christian culture."

[tavernier]

30. Since I've never heard the term before,

I guess I did leave it out intentionally.

And still I don't see what difference that makes. The guy is a sicko, and I think it was more than the inscription on the front door of his church that made him that way.

[Hekate]

35. Since you seem to have missed the stories about Purity Balls (lucky you) I encourage you to research

They are really, really sick-making. It's NOT about Jesus as you apparently know him.
~~ Hekate

http://www.generationsoflight.com/ --> in their own words

http://jezebel.com/5877931/purity-balls-still-the-creepiest-shit-ever ---> kind of how I feel about them

http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/lifestyle/2014/03/wife-of-father-daughter-purity-ball-founder-offers-glimpse-into-purity-lifestyle/
--> mainstream media

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2586036/You-married-Lord-daddy-boyfriend-Purity-Balls-girls-gift-virginity-fathers-marriage-sweep-America.html --> the UK takes note

http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Father-Daughter-Purity-Balls-to-Promote-Abstinence-Chastity-Pledges --> Oprah goes there

[tavernier]

38. Thanks for the links

I admit that I've lost friends over the years because I can't stand the hypocritical 'God Bless You (while stabbing you in the back)' culture. Most of the ppl I know who are Christians won't do business with anyone who advertise themselves as CHRISTIANS. Good deeds, charity, love of fellow man is the accepted advertisement. And contrary to popular belief, there are some of us left. 😄 I guess I just feel the need to advocate for that group. I am a democrat because I feel that my values best coincide with this party. But sometimes it is a struggle. I often feel that within our party, 'Christian' is an evil word.

[AtheistCrusader]

19. No, it says christian PURITY culture, wherein the patriarchy assigns property values to a vagina

and tolerates no outside-marriage wear and tear that could depreciate it (in their eyes), because as we all know, a vagina is like a prince Rupert drop. Once snapped, it shatters, never to be useful again. Or, some ridiculous shit like that.

And the purity nuts view that vagina as THEIR property. Which is interesting, since it's attached to someone else's body.

[seabeyond]

26. it is not christian. it is what a faction of christian is being presented today, as opposed to

yesterday. it is a whole new monster. as far as i see. regardless of what i hear. this one is different.

and being used to exploit and rape, abuse

[dilby]

27. I thought the article was garbage as well.

People can use anything to justify in their minds sex abuse. Christians do not hold a monopoly on child molestation or purity culture.

[seaglass]

14. A couple years ago I spoke with one of my best friends from over 20 years ago. She told me her

daughter wanted a purity ring - I think she was around 16 at the time. I had no idea how to even respond to that. Nothing about my friend, her husband and their separate past histories or their families would ever make me think that they were involved in this culture. It did sound more like it came from their daughter and they want along with it. Anyways still baffled by this.

The culture as described by the author of the article is frightening and pure evil.

[FBaggins]

18. Doesn't appear to have thing one to do with a "purity culture"

Just another sick wierdo living a lie.

Christian purity (specifically as taught by fundamentalist baptists) is nothing close to the implied "as long as you're still a virgin it's ok" of the story. That's just the lie that stepdad was telling himself. His actions were still vile and I'm sure the average baptist churchmember would agree.

[AtheistCrusader]

20. A culture that views FEMALE chastity in that way is actually extending property/ownership rights

to someone else's body part.

I don't see these fundamentalists having 'purity balls' for their sons. Do you?
I'm pretty sure there's a reason footage from such events sets off ALL my 'something is wrong and creepy here' detectors.

[gollygee]

22. Her point is that

the emphasis was so strongly on virginity, and it taught that women are seductresses and temptresses, and between those two things it led to his ability to think it was OK or not harmful or not a big deal, and blame her for it. Not that it was specifically taught as OK.

[FBaggins]

23. And she's wrong.

The problem here is that the person who taught her what purity was all about... was himself in no sense pure.

Look at the following two claims:

"The authority given to him by the Purity Culture meant that he owned my body was his to do with as he pleased"

"Purity doctrine had made my body and its favors his to dispense, withhold or even sample."

Both are nonsensical. Short of some incest-cult, this bears no relationship to reality.


the emphasis was so strongly on virginity

The emphasis is on purity (hence the name). The daughters aren't saving their virginity for their husbands... they're saving everything for their husbands (kissing, touching, even holding hands in some cases). We can agree/disagree re: how healthy/unhealthy that might be... but we can't spin it to mean "everything short of intercourse is daddy's to sample as he pleases".

There's no question that this women was groomed to think so... but it was stepdad who did the grooming. Not others at her church.

[redqueen]

29. Rec'd the thread for this.

Men who prey on their children or step children do not get to use the excuse that purity culture or any other rationalization 'enabled' them.

They would prey on these children regardless, and whatever excuses and lies they use to manipulate their victims are incidental.

[FBaggins]

32. Thanks for saying it more clearly than I could. n/t

[intaglio]

33. I suggest you actually bother to read the whole article

Then check the links at the end and then check these links that I posted in my post in HoF which specifies the emotional abuse this culture engenders.
http://defeatingthedragons.wordpress.com/2014/03/22/that-dating-your-dad-thing/
http://freethoughtblogs.com/dispatches/2014/03/25/shes-got-big-purity-balls/

As I commented in the Hof thread,

... I have been left wondering how many of these poor girls trapped in this will have been inveigled into "helping" their "poor, weak" fathers/brothers/grandfathers/uncles and granting him some relief. In my life I have been lucky enough to have had many women and men trust me sufficiently to open the dark corners of their lives. A significant proportion of those people have been subject to sexual abuse by family members and I hardly think the patriarchal cesspit of purity culture will be immune.

[FBaggins]

34. I read it before I commented

I stand by my comments.

The stepfather lied to her about purity for his own evil purposes. He's to blame for what he did to her... not the beliefs of others that in no way match the lies.

[intaglio]

40. I take it the Stepfather was Gaelic

Because you are either promoting or falling victim to the "No true Scotsman" fallacy.

[RainDog]

39. purity culture is sexism

any group that fetishizes virginity in females is a sick culture.

[amuse bouche]

31. Religion is used as a safe pathway

to commit every type of crime against other humans

Wake-up world. Long past time to stop respecting this nonsense and aiding these criminals

[LadyHawkAZ]

36. This piece hit my FB feed yesterday

http://www.vice.com/read/a-masturbation-lawsuit-is-rattling-christian-homeschoolers

While Ms. Torres was living with Douglas Phillips and his family in October of 2007, Douglas Phillips entered Ms. Torres’s bedroom and without her consent began touching her breasts, stomach, back, neck, and waist. Phillips then began to masturbate and ejaculated on her. Ms. Torres asked Phillips to stop and broke down crying. Despite Ms. Torres’s repeated requests for Phillips to stop masturbating and ejaculating on her, Phillips proceeded to return and repeat this perverse and offensive conduct. Each night that Phillips returned, Ms. Torres requested that he stop. Defendant blatantly disregarded her requests but continued to masturbate and ejaculate on her each night.

The 30-page complaint goes on to sketch a devastating picture of Phillips and his ministry, offering a glimpse into the darker side of the Biblical Patriarchy movement that has taken root in some corners of Christian fundamentalism. In the belief system advocated by Phillips and Vision Forum, men have spiritual authority and dominion over church and family, while women are expected to submit absolutely to their fathers and husbands in all aspects of life.

According to the lawsuit, Phillips allegedly continued to grope and masturbate on Torres for the next five years, and even promised to marry her when his wife died—setting up an abusive Catch-22, in which Torres was compelled to submit to Phillips’s spiritual authority, even though doing so made her “damaged goods” in a community that puts an outsize premium on sexual purity. In the meantime, the suit claims he had become Torres's "spiritual father" and the "dominant authority figure" in her life. "Phillips was the pastor of her church, her boss, her landlord, and the controller of all aspects of her life—obedience to Phillips was as obedience to God in this total institution," the complaint reads.

~snip

Douglas Phillips’s community had its own church-court system. Disputes were brought before a board of all male elders in what resembled a legal proceeding without any of the rights of the accused in secular courts. For Ms. Torres, this system would force her to go up against Phillips—the most powerful man in the extended community—who is a trained attorney known for his skills at argument and intimidation. If Ms. Torres were to lose, she likely would be excommunicated from her church and all other churches that are legitimate in the eyes of her community. Seeking advice from others would have been labeled as gossip and treated as a very serious sin. One could be excommunicated for this, a practice that very much protects the men in power.

The goals of the "sexual purity, modesty, submission, abstinence-only" movements writ large in multi-colored neon.

[RainDog]

37. sick n/t