Senate Aide Arrested On Child Porn Charges Says He Was Abused In Suicide Note

[okaawhatever]

WASHINGTON -- Former Senate aide Jesse Ryan Loskarn, found dead of an apparent suicide last week after he was arrested on federal child porn charges in December, said he was abused as a child in a letter published online by his mother.

"I found myself drawn to videos that matched my own childhood abuse," Loskarn wrote in the letter, which his mother said was found after his death. "It’s painful and humiliating to admit to myself, let alone the whole world, but I pictured myself as a child in the image or video. The more an image mirrored some element of my memories and took me back, the more I felt a connection."

Loskarn, 35, hanged himself on Jan. 23 in his parents' Maryland home. He said in his letter he'd been planning to kill himself since his arrest, because "the news coverage of my spectacular fall makes it impossible for me to crawl in a hole and disappear. I’ve hurt every single human being I’ve ever known and the details of my shame are preserved on the internet for all time. There is no escape."
He apologized to the children who appeared in the images allegedly found on his hard drive, and said he was not trying to use his abuse as an excuse.

"I understand that some people – maybe most – will view this as a contrived story designed to find some defense for defenseless behavior. That it’s an excuse. In some ways I feel disgusting sharing this truth with you because in my heart I still struggle to see my five-year-old self as a victim. But I’m sharing this with you because it is the truth, not an excuse. And I believe it played a role in my story," he wrote.

Continued at Link:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/28/jesse-ryan-loskarn-suicide-note_n_4680613.html

[WCLinolVir]

1. Makes me think about the paths to becoming a perp.

And I don't know if he was being honest with us or himself. My father was a raging, humiliating abuser. There was very little seduction, per se. But none of them see beyond their own desire/drive, nor any boundary of the body and soul of the child. Which is why child abuse can be so crippling. It's hard to have autonomy and a defined sense of self without physical and emotional boundaries modeled and respected. It's something you have to teach yourself.
I find it very interesting that he had a hard time seeing himself as a victim and was free to either relive it, or assume the role of the perp, and be in control, instead of controlled. Usually the abuse is charged with negative energy, the conflict. What is passed from the perp to the child without the child's' full understanding. He blamed himself most likely because his perp did on one level or another. It's the perps bread and butter to get the child to feel like they are an active participant.
I have yet to hear of a perp who looked at child porn to relive conflict. They usually pass on to projecting blame and abuse from anger. The anger that was not allowed or healed and the powerlessness becomes power.

[okaawhatever]

3. Wow, thank you so much for the insight. I'm not as educated on abuse and incest as I am on other

issues. Thank you for giving me the insight as to the perps mindset. I was surprised that he would have put in his note that some would question his apology to the victims. He may have even said something else similar in nature. I remember when I read it I thought, "why is he assuming that people wouldn't believe him?" I mean, he's killing himself so clearly there's something there. Well, duh, he thought that because he knew he wasn't being honest.

[nadinbrzezinski]

2. The cycle of violence can be this horrific kids

And yes, I believe him

I wish his family peace. (I know, I know that empathy thing)